Pregnant wife's affair

[Brian Kent]

I added this story earlier to another - probably - less appropriate part of the Loveshack site. Your insight, thoughts and views would be appreciated.

 

I've read a number of letters on this and other sites that men are often shown as the unfaithful partner during their wife's or girlfriend's pregnancy. As you will read there are exceptions.

 

The following event happened 20+ years ago ~ Nine years into our marriage and a few weeks prior to giving birth, my wife who was in her late 20's had an evening 'date' with someone who she barely knew. She said she was going out with some female friends and this would be her last opportunity to do so before having the baby. A couple of weeks after the birth and following a number of phone calls made to the house (when I was at work and which I learned about later), to further woo her, she met-up again with her new male friend and they had a night of passion and unprotected sex. Several months later (on a Sunday evening, I remember like it was yesterday) in a sudden guilt attack she unloaded her bombshell. She pretty much insisted that her affair was all my fault... "as she had felt unhappy with me for some time". I honestly didn't think our marriage was in any problems. Personally I was too busy looking forward to the new baby, keeping my job and paying the bills. Whatever, I accepted her views (as her betrayal was done and I didn't want to inflict any unnecessary pain on her or on our young family). So after much heartache I/we carried on with our lives in wedded bliss! She insisted (as she still does) that this was her only sexual indiscretion in our marriage. I also forgave her because I loved her to bits, as I still do and she tells me likewise - but the problem is - every couple or more years (in the same months the affair took place) and without warning a dark cloud descends where my mind gets embroiled with the same painful memories and great anguish to that which I suffered when she told me about her affair. When under its spell I have an urgent need to revisit and mull over every part of her story. After a few days (sometimes weeks) I manage to snap myself out of it, but not before I’ve drowned myself in a lot of pain and negative thoughts. What's troubled me most is my wife blaming me for her affair and made to feel the guilty party. Alas still after all these years she still has problems telling me what happened by answering "my annoying questions". She tells me 'in her mind it was a stupid mistake' whereas in my mind the affair was an unmitigated disaster and her 'deception still continues to this day'. Also I can't help but think that our family and friends know what went on but they are keeping the lid on it! I have no evidence of this but this constantly racks my mind, as such these past years I have gradually distanced myself from everyone except my wife and children. With the passing years - and we aren't getting any younger - I look back and think that I must have been a doormat and a bloody fool for putting up with her cruel actions. That said, it would have been very wrong and callas of me if I had decided to throw the towel in and left my wife and young family in the circumstances that I have described.

 

I'm a proud person and have never sought counselling. I also have never confided in anyone (other than my wife of course). Can any of you relate to my situation? Will these thoughts ever go away?

[Bryanp]

What your wife did to you was horrible. She dates another man a few weeks before she is to give birth. After the baby is born she keeps in touch and has (as far as you know) a night of passion that puts your health at risk for STD's. This story seems very strange. Why would a wife go on a date a month before giving birth and kissing another man behind her husband's back? Why after giving birth after a month would she go and screw another man?

 

Unfortunately her attitude to you is that it was no big deal to her. How do you think she would have felt if the roles were reversed? I have a hunch that there is a lot more to this story. Clearly you were a doormat back then. It has been bothering you for many years. I would demand that she take a polygraph so you will finally have the full story. Be prepared for the full truth.

[bentnotbroken]

I am sorry that you are here. One of the reasons I filed is because I knew it wasn't healthy for me.

[whichwayisup]

She hasn't shown you genuine remorse for her selfish and stupid choice. She blames you and hasn't owned up to what she's done so she doesn't/didn't have to suffer any consquences. For her, it's easier to sweep under the rug, pretend it didn't happen, not talk about it, not allow you to feel what you feel, not try her best to make it up to you by showing you that remorse you deserve..

 

This WILL eat you up and make you distant towards her..The mistrust is still there, deep inside you (maybe what if she cheats again, with that guy or someone else when things get rough in life, in marriage, at home..) Talk to her, go to marriage counselling, sort this out. If she is unwilling to go, unwilling to open up and fix this, then your marriage isn't going to stay a happy one, no matter how much you love her and want to stay married to her.

[GorillaTheater]

Brian,

 

I think you were a doormat at the time. Perhaps it would have been callous in some sense to leave your young family at the time, but healing would have come. As it is, it doesn't sound like you've healed much at all. In fact, it sounds like you've drifted into a clinical depression, feeling for years that you've had the world on your shoulders. You have three choices, so far as I can see. Continue on as-is (not a healthy choice for anyone, especially you), get help to regain a healthy marriage, or get a divorce (not as "punishment", but to get you to a healthier place). The last two choices are equally valid, under the circumstances.

 

Regardless of what you do, you have to do something about this:

 

these past years I have gradually distanced myself from everyone except my wife and children.

 

Classic depression symptoms, this perceived need to isolate yourself. Reconnect with these people. Get out in the world and regain your life. Get whatever medical/counseling help you need. Keep telling yourself that, regardless of what happens, you can handle it.

[wicar1]

I added this story earlier to another - probably - less appropriate part of the Loveshack site. Your insight, thoughts and views would be appreciated.

 

-The following event happened 20+ years ago ~ Nine years into our marriage and a few weeks prior to giving birth, my wife who was in her late 20's had an evening 'date' with someone who she barely knew. She said she was going out with some female friends and this would be her last opportunity to do so before having the baby. A couple of weeks after the birth and following a number of phone calls made to the house (when I was at work and which I learned about later), to further woo her, she met-up again with her new male friend and they had a night of passion and unprotected sex.

 

Sorry to say this my friend but seems like your wife is a real s***. She f**** OM weeks after giving birth to a child..wtf??? what was she thinking. Anyway if she can date a man when she was pregnant then it is possible that she already had affairs with OM. It is also possible that the child is not yours. Have you ever thought of that? May be you should do a paternity test.

 

-Several months later (on a Sunday evening, I remember like it was yesterday) in a sudden guilt attack she unloaded her bombshell. She pretty much insisted that her affair was all my fault... "as she had felt unhappy with me for some time".

All cheaters blame BS for their selfish filthy act, it's not new. Feeling unhappy does not give her the right to cheat.

 

-I accepted her views (as her betrayal was done and I didn't want to inflict any unnecessary pain on her or on our young family). So after much heartache I/we carried on with our lives in wedded bliss!

You should have left her then and there, for the love of god this is a woman who's filthy enough to date complete stranger almost when she's expecting a baby and could f*** OM weeks after she gave birth to her child. feel bad for your poor child.

 

-I'm a proud person and have never sought counselling.

- I dont believe in counselling.

 

I also have never confided in anyone (other than my wife of course). Can any of you relate to my situation? Will these thoughts ever go away?

- The chances are these thoughts will remain with you for the rest of your life. It sux, but it's the truth. Especially if she blames you for her selfish acts. You could have minimized the damage far more on D-Day, if you had left her. I know you had a baby but still, I think it wouldt have made any differnce. Simply she's not woth your 20+ years of commitment and life. I think you know that by now. She was simply using you for her comfort. I think you should dump her atleast now.. and tell everything you had to tell her for 20 years and just walk away. I am sure it would give you atreast some sort of relief to you, because you know that you are not living a lie anymore.

 

Anyway does your child know about your wife's act when he/she was a newborn ? I think he/she ought to know it because your wife was not only betraying you but also betrayed your child by f**** with some guy while your baby needed her.

 

A child is a gift and I really think some people does not deserve a child. Your wife is one.

Edited November 17, 2010 by wicar1

[Spark1111]

fBS here....now successfully reconciled.

 

It seems to me you have, for the sake of your family and your children, buried way too much of your feelings regarding your wife's affair.

 

It was an affair, and her answers to your questions do not ring true for you; your intuition tells you/has told you there is more to the story that you do not know or may never know.

 

This affects your trust, not only in your wife, but in your sense of reality. We need to trust our instincts and intuition.

 

You are triggering, all these many years later, because you and she still have some serious work to do; work that should have been done at the time of discovery, but did not.

 

It's okay. Get to a good marriage counselor, the two of you. You got stuck somewhere in the healing process. It will take a professional to help you get unstuck.

[Holding-On]

She hasn't shown you genuine remorse for her selfish and stupid choice. She blames you and hasn't owned up to what she's done so she doesn't/didn't have to suffer any consquences. For her, it's easier to sweep under the rug, pretend it didn't happen, not talk about it, not allow you to feel what you feel, not try her best to make it up to you by showing you that remorse you deserve..

 

This WILL eat you up and make you distant towards her..The mistrust is still there, deep inside you (maybe what if she cheats again, with that guy or someone else when things get rough in life, in marriage, at home..) Talk to her, go to marriage counselling, sort this out. If she is unwilling to go, unwilling to open up and fix this, then your marriage isn't going to stay a happy one, no matter how much you love her and want to stay married to her.

 

I second this. I would say however that this has and is eating you up, not will. After 20+ years if she won't help and you can't get closure healing I don't think the thoughts are going to go away. Communication and empathy makes open marriages last and monogamous ones heal. You do not demonstrate that she shows either. Is this common for her? Does she display this in other areas of your marriage or is this the lone cruel streak?

 

I have nothing to go on but your message and marriages are a lot more complicated and messy than a single page of text but you really need to get out and make a life for yourself. Make friends and expand your circle so you are NOT reliant on her emotionally. I would not be at all surprised to learn that the more you cling the nastier she gets. Even kind, helpful good people do not want to be overly responsible for the emotional well-being of another. The unkind/non-giving even less so.

 

You may not believe in therapy but I do not see how it can hurt to at least do some reading. I personally liked "Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave" but your mileage may vary.

 

Personally if you got to the point where you need her less (start making friends, make a life, separate yourself temporarily by camping with the guys or something like that) you will have more internal power and the ability to say "no, this is not right".

 

My guess, and it is only my hunch, is that unless you actually put your money where your mouth is and be able to physically and emotionally separate from her, she will never be forced to take stock of her actions and recognize the stonewalling of your healing. Instead she probably simply sees you as wallowing in an event that took place decades ago.

 

If any of your mutual friends DO know, then they will think less of her, not you. I think you should reconnect with your friends, research depression (and cognitive behavioural therapy- it got me out of mine) and start trying to envision a life without her. Hopefully you will find that bossy enough.

Carhill is probably the best poster to help you on this topic.

[Jonah]

Forgiveness is not to forget. Some injuries never completely heal and the pain does come back. Please let her know that you are feeling hurt and, once again need her reassurance that she loves you. She is your help meet, and on times like these, she can help you.

[2long]

I'm having a hard time believing that she can't come clean about an event that happened 20 years ago... ...unless she's still hiding something.

 

Are you certain that your child is biologically yours? After all this time, of course your child is "YOURS", based on what I've heard other men say about how they feel if they've learned that the OM is the father of their child.

 

I also agree that you have 2 get this out, or the resentment 2ward HER will continue 2 build. You're deflecting this resentment if you say you're resenting everyone but your W.

 

best,

-ol' 2long