boyfriend punched me in the face

[squirtle]

wasnt sure which section to post this on but here goes. ill try to make this short as possible. i am 22 and my bf is 28. weve been together on and off for about a year n a half. first time i broke up with him was because i found out he had cheated on me and he also was in a lot of trouble with drugs. i tried to stand beside him in that but it was putting me in danger. we broke up and i started seeing someone else over the summer and he did too. we ended up back together and he kicked the other girl to the curb pretty much. i know i shouldnt have taken him back after all that but i think it might have been a combination of jealousy/missing him. i had always held the moral that i would NEVER tolerate a cheater but for some reason i threw that out the window. i ended up moving in with him and things were going awesome, i couldnt have asked for better, we were both working,happy and doing fun things together. 3 weeks ago we got into an argument after both drinking. fast forward and i wound up in the emergency room with a shirt torn open and needing 5 stitches from him punching me in the eye. he threw all of my stuff out the door that night and i ended up at a womens shelter for 3 weeks (just moved out today) hes done some pretty bad things while drinking before (mostly drunk driving) and there were some violent episodes but i thought those were drug related and i was stupid enough to believe they went away with the drugs. i am so torn up inside... i love him more than anything and i truly believed he was my best friend. i feel so STUPID for letting all of this happen. he promises he is going to get councilling and work on the relationship but he keeps pressuring me to move back in. out of everything i just cant get over a lot of the lies and it is so hard to decipher what is truth and what is not with him. he told my mom i fell and hit my eye on the dryer. he also has pictures of scratches on his face from when he was on top of me and i was panicking. the thing is he is NOTHING LIKE THIS WHEN HE IS SOBER! when drunk i have seen him smash plates on his head, punch walls and throw things. when he is sober we cuddle and watch movies and get along great. i am also across the country from my family which makes things even worse i feel like he is all i have and i will never find anyone else i feel like i have fallen in love with somebody with a bad problem and i dont know if he will be able to fix it. i want to move away but im scared that ill be lonely in a new city, that i wont find a job, etc. it discourages me that i broke up with him for good reason before but ended up taking him back. i have never had a person have such a hold on me before in my life and i dont know if he loves me or if hes just manipulating me. he has offered to go for help once the whole court process is through but it feels like he is bribing me saying he had a trip planned but now we cant go cause he might have a record. i know i will not ever be able to stay away from him while im in the same city. i know no one can provide answers for any of this but i just really need to vent n maybe get some outside input. i feel like my life is in shambles and the easy thing to do is stay with him cause i do love him but now i am scared. this whole thing probably sounds crazy but this is my life right now. i didnt want this is just gradually came to be and i guess i should have paid better attention but i have very little self esteem left in me. everyone tells me im pretty and will find someone else but i dont WANT anyone else and am scared there IS no one else . all i want in life is peace, happiness and be able to finally get my drivers liscence (still have my beginners) and to go to school and become a social worker. but with all this commotion in the past year or so those things have been put on hold. basically my questions are :

has anyone else been in this situation?

what do u find helped you to overcome this cycle?

does violence always escalate?

will councilling (batterers treament, anger management etc) help or does this just sound like a lost cause?

i am so tired and confused after all of this the violence, the cheating, stealing, etc that i know i am not thinking with a clear mind. the shelter is referring me for coucilling but im not sure how long that will take. im just tired of my life being in turmoil. sorry this is so long i just really needed to vent!! thanks guys!

[sedgwick]

Anyone who hits you does not deserve to be rewarded with your presence ever, ever again, period. Out of respect for yourself and for every other woman who has ever been hit, you cannot go back to this person. All the counseling in the world can't make it right.

[Don Ho]

does violence always escalate? will councilling (batterers treament, anger management etc) help or does this just sound like a lost cause?

i am so tired and confused after all of this the violence, the cheating, stealing, etc that i know i am not thinking with a clear mind. the shelter is referring me for coucilling but im not sure how long that will take. im just tired of my life being in turmoil. sorry this is so long i just really needed to vent!! thanks guys!

 

You need to run away from this guy fast! If that takes moving and/or continuing in a woman's shelter, so be it. Best to be alive then dead. Yes, I believe his violence will escalate. Counseling may help you, but won't help him for a long, long time if at all. Don't jeopardize your safety on that hope. You are in the classic abusive relationship and he is the classic abuser. You need to cut all ties with him and get the support you need from the women's shelter and counseling. Keep us posted.

[squirtle]

thanks. i wish there was some manual on how to get up n walk away. i am doing my best i just have a lot of weak moments and im so used to turning to him when im upset to talk to and now hes the one person i cant confide in with this he just gets mad or says were both at fault!

[inthagong]

I read the first two sentences and thought FK what is this girl doing...

you need to leave this looser...NOW, before he brings you down with him.... and trust me, if you stay, he will bring you down andmake ur life miserable...

Any guy who hits a woman is pathetic for starters.... and I have no doubt he is most likely cheated or has cheated before.... dont let him loose your self worth, cause it already seems like you have lost some of it, because you are staying with him..

 

BE strong and move on. It is hard in the beginning but DOES get soo much easier....

Take good care.

[squirtle]

a lot of people have told me he will bring me down and in a lot of ways he has. i ended up missing a week and a half of work cause i work with the public and my eye was all shades of black n red n purple n i couldnt open it. i dont know whats wrong with me! i give him chance after chance cause when things are good theyre really good n he really makes me feel no one else is there for me. like i said i am not perfect but i never give up. i dont know if what i feel for him is love anymore or just habit. he has told me that most guys out there just want to sleep with me and toss me. i never used to think like this but after being told over and over it really just takes any confidence u have! i am hoping councilling for myself works. i am tired of feeling like the crazy girl always defending him n looking like a victim! i am not the person i was before i met him!

[squirtle]

and thanks for the advice it really helps to get an outside perspective. cause being in this thing its all so gradual that it becomes normal...i think i need to retrain myself to think normally again ugh i think i have my work cut out for me!

[inthagong]

Why are you giving him chances??? I dont get it, you gave him one and he ****ed it up, dont give him any more.. the longer you stay with this dick, the longer he will feed off of your insecurities....

 

GET some self worth PLEASE!!!!!

[squirtle]

i think i give him chances cause i feel like i need him. in the beginning i was so happy and proud to be with him. i know i need to get away it hasnt even been that long together n hes got me like a puppet on strings. the past few weeks hae put things into perspective i have done tonnes of reading on the cycle of violence and everyone i have spoken to has come to the conclusion that hes a master manipulator. i am seeing now how he says one thing and then does another. if this was the only incident i would be more apt to stick it through with him if he went to councilling but i have lost almost complete faith that this will ever work. i feel like a really weak person putting up with all of this. it makes me mad that he can ruin so much for me yet continue on with his day. on the upside i am NO LONGER living with him and am getting a lot of support from my friends and family.

[sedgwick]

Listen to me, and please believe me: this is the CLASSIC profile of an abuser! You must never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, give this man the time of day ever again. No matter what he says, no matter what he does, no matter how much counseling he gets, NO MATTER WHAT. Your job is to build a life in which being alone is better than being hit. Promise yourself that you won't even entertain the thought of speaking to him until you are 100% certain you have built that life. I guarantee you that once you have, you won't be willing to entertain the though of speaking to him AT ALL.

Edited November 16, 2010 by sedgwick

[squirtle]

sometimes it just seems that all of that good life is so far away though...and its easy to get sucked back into being with him. i am contemplating moving back home where my family is cause i dont have any family where i am. one of his family members actually had the NERVE to say that "if this happens again not to call MY family cause theyre not here and not involved" i was SO MAD! of course i am going to call me family! ... and his mom doesnt really say anything cause apparently his dad used to hit her. i have spoken to him since the incident and hes being really really nice almost overly nice but im thinking its cause he believes i can drop the charges (which i cant) he also thinks i am out to get him for money?! which makes no sense to me. i get really nervous now when something little makes him mad and im beginning to see through it when he tries to remain calm to get me to move back in but i just have a bad gut feeling and i am going to listen to it for once!!

[squirtle]

amd i also agree that i need to cut contact with him and MEAN IT THIS TIME cause anytime i contacted him when we were broken up before he would either

A) say things to make me jealous and want him back

B) i really think he wants to see me fail. he would always criticize me for making bad decisions on my own. i really really think he wants me to do bad for myself and its hard knowing someone is watching to see u fail.

C) message me and then he would come over and act like such a great guy.

 

i think he knows that no matter what he does he can get me back and i NEED THIS TO END ITS EATING AWAY AT MY SANITY!!

[sedgwick]

Have you read any books or websites about domestic abusers? What you're saying could be coming straight out of a textbook, seriously. Yes, PLEASE get away from him, and do WHATEVER it takes to build that good life. Thinking it seems far away or will be difficult to get is no excuse for going back to this guy.

 

You can do it!!!!! Do it for yourself, and do it for every other woman who's ever had to miss work due to a black eye.

[Cee]

The best thing to do is to put all the love you feel for your BF into yourself. Please, get counseling and check out a 12 step program. I suggest Al Anon or perhaps AA. I was dating an alcoholic and thought he was the only one who had a problem. Then I realize that I had a man problem AND a drinking problem. AA and Al Anon is completely free and anonymous. You will get a lot of support there. You can find meeting locations by calling them or by googling them on the web.

 

You need as much help as you can leaving this man. Get your friends, family, and recovery community behind you. Leaving someone can be hard. Good luck.

[squirtle]

yes ive been doing quite a bit of reading and its true he does match quite a bit of the criteria but not all of it.... but im sure abusers dont always match all of it. im just finding it really hard to deal with the fact that this person has never really loved me when i thought they did all along. i think ive been in denial for a long time he is always telling me how much he loves me and is always talking about having a kid with me (dont worry i know better than this and am not ruining my life in that way) he thinks it will make his life better. i just dont understand his thoughts at ALL sometimes. and i hate how his family and him try to blame it on me being too young for him when i try so so hard! n i hate breaking up with him cause the last time i did he goes around telling people im a gold digger that was using him, a sl*t etc. i need to get rid of this fear of being alone n STAY alone for a long long time im scared this will happen again with someone else.

[squirtle]

oh and cee yes ive been looking into that things have just been hectic lately with just moving and still working lots. i am going to sign up for councilling sessions and i am thinking about AA too. it just makes me mad cause HE is the one that told me i need to go to AA cause he said all of this happened cause we drank but i want to look into it for myself not cause i think im an alcoholic but i think any kind of help like that is good help!

[Cee]

Do AA for yourself, not him. I went to AA initially b/c of my alcoholic boyfriend, but then I discovered that I also had a problem. He never went to AA, but I don't care because I'm not with him and he can do as he pleases.

 

AA was such a huge blessing- support, new friends, and lots and lots of coffee. A lot of my family has gone into recovery and our lives has changed. Instead of drinking over Thanksgiving, we actually have conversations.

 

Lots of hugs in AA. You might need some.

 

I'm not saying AA is right for everyone, but it's worth a shot.

[squirtle]

right now anything is worth a shot! thanks you for the advice. there is nothing worse than feeling so alone and i can use all the support i can get. i am hoping that he gets court mandated into a 12 step program for his own sake. he claims that he resolved his drug problem "on his own" cause he ws scared out of it and i left him. but his problem was on again off again for 6 years i think its just under the surface ready to pop up again at any minute. i am always worried about that.

[artchick88]

I was with someone for 2 1/2 years who was abusive to me and he did all the things that you are saying this man does.

 

He would apologize profusely, make me feel so wanted and special, then he would cut me down, make me feel like I was making terrible decisions and that I needed him. He would criticize my friends and family and question every thing I did that wasn't his idea. Other times, when I got fed up, he would beg for me to be with him and go through all these huge shows of affection.

 

Here is the problem:

The pain, shame, humiliation, heart-break.. all of it... you think he is the only one who can make it go away.

He has truly cut your self-esteem down so much, that you feel that he is the ONLY one that can fix it. This is how abusers keep their partners close. It will feel better if he consoles you and tells you hes so sorry and that he wants to make it better. But that feeling is temporary and hollow.

 

Take it from someone who has been there. The only one who can make this better is you and people who really care for you, like your family. If your family is not supportive of you, you still have the power to move yourself away from this man and cut all contact. YES it will be so f*king hard at first, and maybe for awhile after that. But finding the strength to say no to him and stay away from him will build your self-esteem up again so that you can finally get some clarity and realize he is NO GOOD for you!!

 

You're still young. Trust me, you can heal from this man and find someone who will be good to you. Love yourself first and screw what he thinks. The man put you in the hospital. His opinion and feelings are worthless. Your life will go on but only once you find the strength in you (that he hasnt stolen yet) and leave. For good!!

 

Good luck to you.

All I can say is now that it's been almost 2 years since I left my abuser, I can look back and realize how transparent all his bullsh*t games were and I feel SO good!!!

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm really sorry this happened to you. It always frustrates and saddens me when women get abused, and somehow they always seem to blame themselves for everything that went wrong.

 

The first step you have to do above all else is to stop making excuses for his behavior. He hit you. That's the one thing you can never, ever overlook. A man who raises his hands to a woman is a monster and any amount of reasoning to condone that behaviour is unjustified.

 

Please do find yourself help and support.

[MicheleLee1996]

i think you should move back where your family is, that way you can explain to them whats going on and you wont be lonely because you will have people there to support you. a man should never hit a woman, but i understand how hard it is to not love sombody that you love so much. trust me; if you dont break it off he will just hurt you more. and the quicker you get out of the relationship the easier it will be to let go.

[squirtle]

this all makes so much sense! artchick u hit it right on ... he seems like the only person around that gets me and i can talk to! but he keeps pushing me to move back in and saying that everything will be better and it was just a drunken mistake. i want more than ANYTHING to move home but there is no work there and i dont want to be broke. i could move to another city out here but that still keeps me away from home. my family is all very supportive and my mom is coming out to visit me so that will also help me keep distance from him cause he knows she doesnt like him and wont come around. all of this court stuff is making me nervous too... i get scared this is all going to turn around on me and if he pleads not guilty it will go to trial. he will get to hear my statement!! see everything i said or wrote EVERYTHING! when i gave my statement i was still in shock over everything, i gave it right before the doctor did my stitches! i dont remember everything in its entirety that i told them but i dont want him to hear it! ive never felt so horrible in my life.

[quankanne]

kiddo, your sense of justice needs to be bigger than your sense of fear. Because if you bow out now because you love him and don't want to hurt him ... or because you're afraid ... then you let the bullies win this round. I guarantee, he's not going to be allowed the opportunity to reform unless he is confronted with the fact that his abusive behavior is not allowed and that he needs to change. In other words, if you give in to the desire to just let things lie, he's only going to get worse because you've given him the okay, the power to be abusive with women. Sometimes, it's not just about you and him, but something bigger.

 

you also will lose something precious if you back down from this fight – it's not so much about winning or losing or hurting someone you love, but about your dignity. And that should never, ever come with a price tag. You deserve better than what he dishes out, and I think you know it but you're letting "love" confuse you.

 

if anything, you should love yourself more than you love him, because until you learn to respect yourself, no one else will. Especially some dude who thinks it's okay to slap you around and tell you sweet lies just to keep you where he wants you ...

 

you can do this – you KNOW you can do this. The question is, do you WANT to be strong for yourself, or do you want things to remain like this the rest of your life? Because once you set a precedent of rolling over for one abusive partner, that's what you'll be doing the rest of your life with different partners.

 

you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I suspect you understand that you should never, ever let a man define you, no matter how much you think you love him ...