Fatality? uh nope, it's just reality. I'm going to be A ok. ( caution: silly rant)

[LoveTNT]

After the second time around, going to his place, something clicked within. Nothing I didn't know before, but something I was suppressing and pushing further down with something called "hope". Hope is a good thing, I won't lie, but when you're constantly caught up hoping for unrealistic outcomes that just aren't what's on the agenda in the present time (whether you like it or not) friction will proceed and proceed and did I mention proceed, until you've made yourself so vulnerable and exhausted that you realize you're not winning this one. I've been on the journey to self-love, self-worth trying to understand the things I do in life that link with self-sabotage ( even during the time we were together) but bamb! this break up smacked me upside the head. I felt so guilty. I felt I was the one that ****ed it all up. If I continue to think that way, then it will only dig me 6ft+++. I'm tired of feeling that way. I've tried all I can and to some yes this will sound like a broken record because I do say this a lot, because inevitaby it is the golden mission.

 

I did the crying, talking, seeing him and explaining myself for the first 5 weeks.

 

I did the , FINE! you want space, ok fine I'll go full throttle with NC (lasted a 1 month 1/2)!!

 

He emailed me between the NC moment, but I chose not to reply because I was scared.

 

I broke it to call him for his bday, he was angry and didn't want to answer, That failed.

 

I went to his place 2x and spoke to him. I took him some tea and a letter etc...

 

 

I mean honestly , that's it. But I will say I'm not taking back anything I did. Some of you may think I hit the Psycho-realm, but I know him. I know he sees where it truly came from or at least he will one day. I'm glad the last contact we've had was him texting me last week saying thank you for the tea and "wonderful" card, oh wow look I got a wonderful, now let me go read into that, haha, uh no. Ok I did for a few seconds, but I'm letting it go. I just appreciate he reached out on his own. BUT that's that.

 

Anyhow, theres nothing more to do. I feel good about my efforts.

 

So if he doesn't want anything to do with me, then fine. I've put down the pinata stick. ( don't go quoting me now!)

 

NC is his religion currently, so I know he won't be reaching out anytime soon. I've been more accepting about that now more than ever.

 

 

I don't know what hurts more, not getting tickets to see SADE next summer, or realizing I'm letting it go.. jk

 

No but honestly, it's about that time my LS brothers and sisters.

 

Can I throw in an "I think" in between the word honestly and it's?

 

ok no I'm just being silly. I'm getting sick I took some echinacea, some vitamin c and having a cough drop. I'm weak and delusional now. I'm seeing double on the screen. I had a long math test this evening.. My toes are cold. My back hurts. Do I really need to go to work tomorrow? Am I really talking to myself right now? heh.

 

am I really still with the lights on and typing away? , my throat hurts.

 

Good night.

[Don Ho]

Nice rant. Well that's good that you're taking solace in the fact that you tried. I think you would have been over him sooner and with less misery if you had gone NC and stuck to it. But as long that you're now on the road to recovery, that's the important part. Hang in there!

[stopthemadness]

am like you kinda. I know hes seeing someone else. But I still kinda have hope that oneday he wakes up and cant live without me. (dumb huh?) Iam going through chemo therapy right now, so am sick and weak it sucks. I still miss him!! I,ll live..

[LoveTNT]

@Thanks Don. So yeah I stayed home from work today. Sick in bed. I'm about to go get my warm blanket (not the one his mom bought me that's super warm, oh no I'll never use that again, jk hahaha) and order a movie. Dang that sounds nice. I have to study though.

 

@StopTM: Hope you're feeling better today hun. Stay strong and have hope for the things that will only bring peace and love to your heart, right? right...