lenny Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 (edited) Been with my wonderful man for a few months now. I work Mon - Fri and we've fallen into the routine where Fri and Sat night he stays over, Sun is recovery night (hehehehe) so he sleeps at home and from Tue to Thur he'll stay over two or three nights. Weekends we share meals and I'll usually invite him over a couple times throughout the week for supper. It just occurred to me though that although the meals together are generally my idea, when he stays over is completely, 100% his. Sometimes it's laid out in advance he's not coming over, but other times it's last minute (baby I'm just too wiped to want to move off my couch tonight). He will generally come by around 8:00 where we'll hang out or watch a movie and then crawl into bed a little earlier than I would on my own for snuggles, pillow talk, and other things . I really like the way our routine has unfolded here. We have plenty of solo time - visits with friends and family, evening meetings, supper, housekeeping, getting ready for next day, etc as well as lots of time together. I've been reading some threads on the forums and I'm starting to doubt this arrangement and if I should maybe be saying no sometimes about him coming over. There are indeed some nights where I'm kinda hoping he decides not to come over as I'll be motivated to get into some kind of project, be too wiped out to want to visit with anyone, or have a busy evening where I'm rushed trying to get as much cleared from my plate before he's going to arrive as I can. I do like spending whatever time I can with him though, especially since this is new, so work around his schedule. As some extra background on me, I am accused of being a bit of a doormat, and he's one of my biggest accusers. I'll give a friend my last 10 bucks if they need it. I have been working around his schedule even though it's not always optimal for me selfishly because I really do enjoy being with him but will this result in him taking me for granted? In particular, we're coming off recovery Sun night, Mon night was an in advance not going to work for him but Tue he had totally cleared for me. My reality however is that Tue I have some overtime that's being offered and Wed I have a meeting in the evening which means I'll be rushed all night to clear time for him so saying "just ain't gonna work tonight hun" would really be totally acceptable but *gasp* that would be a terribly long time to not see him. Prior to about 30 minutes ago, him not spending the night on Tue and Wed would not have occured to me but now I'm seriously considering it. In my mind this is kind of game playing because really I could make this work with my other obligations and would be saying no only because of this new doubt I have that I'm always too available but is this something I should really do anyways? For those that read all the way to the end, I apologize for rambling so much and thank you all for your comments. Edited November 16, 2010 by lenny
that girl Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 There are indeed some nights where I'm kinda hoping he decides not to come over as I'll be motivated to get into some kind of project, be too wiped out to want to visit with anyone, or have a busy evening where I try to get as much cleared from my plate before he's going to arrive as I can. Of course, if you have something that needs to get done or are too tired, you should say no and suggest he come over the next night or whatever night you think will work. In my mind this is kind of game playing because really I could make this work with my other obligations and would be saying no only because of this new doubt I have that I'm always too available but is this something I should really do anyways? It is game playing if you do it because you worry you are too available. It is not game playing if you do it because you want the overtime or whatever.
Author lenny Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 thanks that girl, and reading my post I see I didn't really state the question I wanted advice on very clearly. It's not in my nature to play any kind of games. With me it's what you see is what you get - no surprises. But what I'm really wondering is if I should purposely start the game playing to better the relationship? Because of my nature, I really can't see myself as saying no to an evening that doesn't work for me at this time; any saying no at this point would in my mind be only to strengthen the relationship ... by not being honest in my mind. Like I had said, even though the circumstances aren't ideal for him visiting, I would still make it work because I really do want to spend the time with him (man do I sound clingy there but really I'm not) - but it's always on his schedule, so to say not for Tue would be a game. It seems there is a dating game that people play. I am generally an avoider of all of these games and readily break these "rules". I am also 38 and seeing the current guy for only three months so I'm not convinced whether avoiding the games has served me well in the past or I just needed to wait for the right guy. This guy is unlike any other one I've been involved with in the past and if saying "no don't come over" a time or two when I don't really mean it will help the relationship I'm willing to go against the grain here.
sanskrit Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 (edited) It would be too much face time for me inside of about ten months, but different people have different desires for company and tolerance for it early. Don't look at it as being too available, but rather getting too involved. Are there other aspects of your life that would be growing or that you want to enlarge? Setting up personal boundaries are never game playing, but doing the things necessary to make sure the relationship doesn't get too close before a real emotional foundation is built. One guy's perspective - The top reason my past relationships have broken up is because there is too much contact before there is any real trusting or emotional foundation. When I try to tone it down, they get worse, so it's a catch 22. I even explain it to them, they smile and agree and seem so happy that I am trying to build a good foundation for us, then the next day it's back to business as usual with them wanting to plan out 4 or more days together during the next week, constant texting and calling. It's like they don't listen to a single word. Your guy may be thinking the same things you are, it's not a talking point, because it sounds like you are both really happy. But if you have the opportunity to cut out a day or two during the week, it may do your relationships good. Relationships don't mean perma consta contact, especially not in the first few months. Edited November 16, 2010 by sanskrit
utterer of lies Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Let me summarize: It's going really great and we're having an amazing time together but now I randomly want to create problems out of nothing and make his life worse. Great plan. Ouch.
SadandConfusedWA Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Is it just me or does anyone feel that this amount of time together is kind of suffocating? I mean it would feel like that for me. I don't think I would want to see someone more than 2x a week within the first 2 months of dating. At MOST spend a weekend together. Makes me feel like I may not be ready for a relationship.
runner Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 ^^ me too. i kinda like missing her a little and then jumping on her when i see her- in the early days at least. besides, i'm impossibly busy and i really do need the time to get things done.
Eeyore79 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Is it just me or does anyone feel that this amount of time together is kind of suffocating? I mean it would feel like that for me. I don't think I would want to see someone more than 2x a week within the first 2 months of dating. From the beginning of our relationship I saw my bf 3-4 days per week. That level of contact is fine for me - less than that would make me feel somewhat neglected. I guess different people have different needs, and the trick is to find someone who's happy with the same arrangement as you are.
zengirl Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Is it just me or does anyone feel that this amount of time together is kind of suffocating? I mean it would feel like that for me. I don't think I would want to see someone more than 2x a week within the first 2 months of dating. At MOST spend a weekend together. Makes me feel like I may not be ready for a relationship. That seems like very little to me. Generally, I start off with 2x a week or so, but by the time we're sleeping together and spending nights. . . not so much. By the end of the first month, my boyfriend and I were sleeping together, and he had me bring stuff over to his house, so I could easily spend the weekends. We sometimes have long stretches we can't see each other because our schedules don't mesh (last week, for example, we had to go 5 days because I worked early, he worked nights, and I went out of town for a few days) but most weeks, I see him 4-5 days. That's not all "alone time" or anything; we do things with other people, together, and we always keep our separate things -- for instance, I have some social clubs he's got no interest in, and I still go, and he still keeps up with some hobbies as well -- but we like each other. Why not spend time together? We've only been dating 3 months (almost 4), but it's been like that basically since we were official. I find it weird to limit the time you spend with someone. Now, if you have something else to do, I get that. I don't neglect my friends. I sometimes bring my boyfriend along, but not on "girls' night" --- usually there are other couples and fellas there anyway. I don't neglect my work. I don't neglect my family or my interests. We just happen to have plenty of interests in common so we do a lot together. I find it interesting that you need a lot of texting but find more than 2 nights a week suffocating, SadandConfused. Mostly because I'm the exact opposite. I want to see my fella, but in between, I rarely contact him (except the long stretches, like 5 days, or to point out something we should do on a certain date).
Author lenny Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 The frequency we are seeing each other works for us. I know it's been pretty rushed but we're happy with it and this isn't reflective of how previous relationships have worked for either of us. So, I stewed this over a bit more and have come to some conclusions. It is his choice 100% as to where he's sleeping for the night. In fact, him coming here is a newer development as at the beginning it was me staying at his place and that was 100% my call as to when I would. For being too available, the time we spend together outside of the sleeping arrangements is quite variable depending on both our plans which could easily be me going out with my friends and him hanging out at his place waiting for me to be home to make plans for the rest of the evening. I am glad I won't feel the need to randomly create problem out of nothing since that kind of bs just doesn't sit well with me.
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