sedgwick Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 (edited) ...and it is that Joe moved away from NYC and didn't say goodbye. The last time we had a real conversation, a little over three years ago, he said he could totally see running away with me in the future, and that one day he'd quit his band and do just that (though he didn't promise to include me, he just said it was a possibility.) And it was a lie. Another lie, from a man who talked constantly about how he could not tell a lie. And it leaves me wondering yet again what it was about me that made me so worthless I was the one person in his life, ever, that it was okay to lie to. I thought I was doing okay, but today I've been crying about it off and on all day. WHYYY am I still going through this?! The urge to contact him is strong, but rest assured I will never, ever do it. I just need a little help understanding why I was so worthless to him that it was okay to be so mean and dishonest with me, when I treated him like gold and loved him with all my heart. I am working like a crazy person to make my life and the lives of other people better. I look forward to spending the next year of my life being a big anti-suicide activist. I actually just told a homeless kid I met volunteering at a shelter last year that he could move in with me for a few months, and I'm thrilled he said yes. I am busting my a$$ to be a mentor and make a change in the world. I want to think that if Joe met me now, I might be good enough for him. Edited November 16, 2010 by sedgwick
McGrupp Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 hey sedge. i think what you felt with joe was so special you "know" you'll never feel it again. but the thing is you will. It will be different but you can fall in love again, if you just let him go and start enjoying the people that are still in your life and love you and love being with you.
Author sedgwick Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 I'm still not at the point where I could trust anyone else, and I don't know if I ever will be. Finding out he left without saying goodbye, that he told ANOTHER lie, has set me back a bit. I don't really think of dating/sex/love as things that are part of my life anymore. I don't expect that they will ever be part of my world again, and it's lonely, but I think I'm doing a pretty good job of building a life without them. I have my doubts that he even remembers me, so maybe that's why he didn't say anything to me when he left, but still, it hurts.
McGrupp Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 yeah i know it does but i think it would be healthy to slowly meet new men and take some risks. dating is fun!
Author sedgwick Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 McGrupp, unfortunately I never get asked out! I might accept if I did, but I don't. I'm still way, way too scared to actually go out and like hear a band or do anything social around strangers. But I have been leaving my house occasionally and just going and sitting in Starbucks or having dinner with a friend or something, which is a huge step. I still hear Joe's voice in my head every day telling me I don't deserve to go out and have any fun, and that nobody would want to meet me, but I'm starting to battle it enough that I can go out and get coffee and stuff occasionally. That is a HUUUUGE step; you don't even know. But I'm miles away from like talking to new guys or anything like that. I don't know if I'll ever get there. I just don't want to bug anyone else like I bugged him, y'know?
mickleb Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 You mentioning that your ex had a big thing about not lying to you and then went and did just that reminded me of my ex, doing the same thing. Yes, it irritates the hell out of me, if I choose to think about it. I doubt it was anything to do with you, though, Sedg. Most of the dumpees on here will be able to provide you with examples of their exes lying to their faces. May I add I have serious concerns re. the homeless thing? Generous a gesture as that is Sedg (it really is), I think it will be tough being as boundaried as you would need to be to actually facilitate that person to improve their own situation. Remember: ultimately, you are going to have to throw them out on the street, again. Are you able to do that? Good on you for wanting to improve others lives. Take care of yourself too, though. x
Author sedgwick Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 Mickle, he goes back to college in another state in January, and he just got a 20-hour-a-week job until then. I wouldn't let him stay with me if we hadn't spent over a year developing a relationship and if he weren't busting his a$$ to get his life together!! He's having a really tough time in his current shelter because he's gay, and I just don't think it's safe for him to be there. As for the lying thing, I really really want to think that Joe just doesn't remember me, and so it wasn't a lie. I'd rather be insignificant and forgettable in his eyes than worthless.
Odyssey Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Hey sedgwick! just thought i drop by LS and check on you. Trust. Its hard to get it back again... IMO i don't think it'll be back to the same innocent easy level again. build up a wall to protect your feelings. So how's that wall now? Are things getting better ...slowly?
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