Facebook Dilemma!

[vaexx]

i must've made a HUGE mistake. now i'm scared.

 

my bf removed his relationship status. i feel really like an idiot asking about fb, but....i can't help it.

 

even since my bf moved to the other end of the country (few months ago), we've been continuously contacting each other whether it'd be texts/calling/email almost daily - if we're a bit busy, then it would be at least once a week if anything.

 

generally, however, he'd call a lot for phone sex. sure, we talked of other stuff, but sometimes it was too much for me - esp because my grad classes were really taking a toll on me and i wasn't in the mood. he knew how tired i was. i didn't mind it too much until about 3 weeks ago when i was just extremely exhausted. i was falling back on my studies so i stopped contacting my bf cuz things got too busy. i was also tired of being contacted for sex (i don't blame him though - we just prob have different levels of sexual desire). however, with my being so tired/moody, i got pretty annoyed at him. my lack of contact really wasn't intentional - sure i was annoyed, but it wasn't that i didn't like him any less or anything. it was just that i needed to focus on work and was not feeling all that sexy talk. i withdrew from a lot of people at this point. it's bad on my part, and i know it seems selfish, but i just....i don't know, i wanted to be by myself. from everyone.

 

also, as bad as this may sound....he was always the one initiating contact, so when he stopped initiating, i thought that he might be too busy, so i was worried that i might be bothering him if i called him first (i have boundary issues with people in general), so i sort of waited till he'd contact me first....which he never did this time around.

 

finally, after 3 weeks of no contact, he finally called me yesterday twice, but i slept early because i was not feeling too great. so i had no idea he called until early this morning, in which i sent a text, apologizing, and saying i'd return his call tonight.

 

now here's the thing: before going to sleep, i was on fb, and we were still in a relationship together on facebook. when i woke up and saw his missed calls, i had this really strange gut feeling that something was off - that i should check fb (oh man, lol). and well, whadaya know - i was still in a relationship, yes, but his name was not there. i go on his page to see that he removed his relationship status altogether.

 

i'm guessing that either - a) he called to break up w/ me and/or found some other girl or b) he got angry after those calls and thought i was ignoring him or something....? i don't know.

 

i don't think he did this to have privacy all of a sudden w/ his relationship status bc he was the one who insisted that we have this up on fb.

 

i called him back about 2 hrs ago, but he didn't answer, and is not returning the call. i suppose i should call back again. however, i feel as though he is intentionally ignoring me. i don't know what i can do if he ignores my call yet again. email/text him? if that fails, call again? :/ seems a bit annoying. would i call it quits from there? give him space?

 

some insight on this, please? thank you so much! it's all my fault. i realize what i did wrong here. well, unless if he found someone else. *sigh*

 

i feel so stupid asking about fb activities and all, but really, isn't it indicative of some problem?

argh, how i hate facebook. i can't believe i had to find this out via a social networking site.

[aerogurl87]

You two obviously have communication issues and if his calls were mostly for sex then it sounds like the relationship isn't (wasn't?) based on any substantial emotional, mental, or intellectual substance anyway. I think this is the end of the road. Sorry.

[Citizen Erased]

If I didn't hear from my LDR bf for 3 weeks, I'd break up with him too.

[aerogurl87]

If I didn't hear from my LDR bf for 3 weeks, I'd break up with him too.

 

Yeah I gotta agree with CE. A LDR is hard enough as it is, but if my boyfriend didn't contact me for 3 weeks which is almost a whole month then I'd cut my ties. And relationships are about give and take, there is no reason he should've been the main one contacting you all the time.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree with the others, if my partner never initiated contact I would have left him, relationships have to be a two way thing, otherwise they die. Communication and contact in an LDR is even more important than in a regular relationship.

It sounds like it is over.

[sfl]

Yeah, sorry to say - but I'm not sure why you expected any different.

 

I'd say the Facebook relationship update is the last of your worries, sorry.

[LittleTiger]

3 weeks of no contact???!!!

 

If I didn't hear from my SO for more than 24 hours, I'd be frantic.

 

Then, once I'd established he was safe and well, I would:

 

1) kill him (though probably not literally)

2) remove him from my facebook page!

 

Possibly the other way around, but you get what I'm saying?!

 

I have to agree with everybody else - I think you guys are done.

[Eeyore79]

If he removed your relationship status, it's over.

 

Have you considered that he might have listed himself as being in a relationship with someone else, and has hidden his relationship status from you?

[KikiW]

While I can understand feeling like your partner only wants you for phone sex can get a little annoying, you are entirely to blame for this situation.

 

I was in a long distance relationship (now married to him), and I don't think we went without contacting each other in some form or another for more than 12 hours. It was IMPERATIVE that we communicated often, and even more that we communicated how we felt.

 

You shut him out without a word. If my LDR had shut me out for even a few days, I would be beside myself. after 2 weeks I would have assumed we were through. At 3, DEFINITELY done. No amount of apology on his behalf, save a hospital stay in a deep coma, would have made me go back.

 

No, darlin', FB was not the problem here. You screwed up on this one. Live and learn. Hopefully you will nurture your next relationship better.

[eminembnja]

The amazing thing is that, after 3 weeks of no contact, instead of calling him to see what's up you came here to find out what his FB status means. It doesn't sound like either of you really care at this point.

[vaexx]

thank you for the replies, everyone. thanks for the honesty. i know what i did was wrong.

 

i came here for suggestion after i'd contacted him, yet had not received a reply. sorry if you thought i was being irrational.

 

this is no excuse, but maybe i thought this lack of contact was allowed since we used to go by w/o any contact for at most 2 weeks back when we were on the same undergrad campus (that time, HE was too busy for me bc of studying, so i let it go). so perhaps, i thought he'd understand my stress of constant exams/research in grad school now. however, i should've realized that LDR is a completely different story. i made a HUGE error, i know.

 

well....

i continued to call him everyday - but no reply. not knowing how to get my feeling across, i finally emailed him a heartfelt apology about how terrible i am, how sorry i am, and that i love and miss him. that it's entirely my fault for being an idiot - just please respond so i can apologize to him.

 

he finally called after receiving this, but i missed his call. again. i was driving, and my phone was in my bag, vibrate mode.

 

i called back, but he didn't pick up. i texted him an apology, explaining this. i kept calling again, just to have him never respond and that's when i realized what a BIG mistake i'd made and like everyone said here, i completely deserved it. i know. i gave up at this point (last night) because i thought i was, instead, bothering him. i didn't want him to hate me even more.

 

then, as i'd given up, he called me! he said he was really baffled by my email and was very concerned by what i'd written to him (???)

 

he told me that he was not ignoring me and when i told him of my everyday calls, he said that he did not receive calls everyday, but just occasionally. he said he had also been trying to get in contact with me or smth, but i didn't pick up. he kept apologizing and asked if i was mad at him. i told my friend this, but she thinks he's lying. she thinks he did, in fact, get my calls, but now that i'd been tormented enough, sending him a sincere letter like that, he'd finally decided to call me. mind games, she says.

 

he said he knows how difficult life is for me at this point, and he understands if i can't get back to him. he said he'd been terribly swamped with work too, so he knows what i'm going through. in any case, he said he wouldn't ignore me like that. we talked for a long time.

 

then he said he's been actually thinking of marriage w/ me for a while as of late (we've been together for yrs). he wants to be w/ me forever and loves me so much, misses me, etc.

 

he called again today just to chat.

i don't know what the deal was w/ the fb status as i didn't ask (thought it might be silly?).

 

i'm not sure what to exactly make of this after what my friend told me....

Edited November 21, 2010 by vaexx

[aerogurl87]

I gotta agree with your friend. Ok so there have been times where my boyfriend misses my phone calls because of his crappy wireless service, but still he wouldn't go days and days without contacting me. If anything the most I wouldn't hear from him would be for a few hours. Heck he even got stuck out in the bush while him and his friends were 4x4ing one day for 5 hours and as soon as he got a clear signal he texted me to let me know he was fine. So something is definitely amiss here. Don't let the marriage talk throw you off. Figure out what was up with the facebook change as it sounds like that's a big deal for you two. Because something isn't adding up.

[hoping2heal]

OP, before reading your latest update, I did not understand how 3 weeks going by without contact was entirely your fault. If 3 weeks go by with no attempt to contact between either of you, that rests on both shoulders and not soley yours.

 

Busy is one thing but no time for one another for 3 whole weeks? Jeesh, I kind of agreed with what the one poster said about is there any care between the two of you?

 

Well, I don't know. I think he's BSing you about the whole I didn't get your calls and bla bla bla. Either way, your whole relationship is something I probably am not fit to comment on because I can't imagine being in one where neither party bothers to contact after 3 weeks gone by.

[LittleTiger]

then he said he's been actually thinking of marriage w/ me for a while as of late (we've been together for yrs). he wants to be w/ me forever and loves me so much, misses me, etc.

 

This right here tells me that you guys have absolutely no idea about love or marriage......and I don't care how long you've been together.

 

People who love one another do not treat each other the way you two have been. Three weeks of no contact, then missed phone calls and excuse after excuse ..............seriously!!!???

 

I'm not normally quite this blunt but honestly, I suggest you call it a day and stop wasting each others time.

[vaexx]

thank you again for the helpful replies. i see what's going on. i think i need a serious talk with him at this point. he also wants me to visit during the winter. on one hand, i feel like that may be a good idea for actually having a face to face talk (which i really prefer since i'm not a phone person), and i do want to see him. however, on the other hand, maybe i should talk it out over the phone rather than even thinking of heading there at all.

a friend told me i'd be a fool to "waste" money to fly out and see him after all this. it's been so long seeing his face....

 

it made me look at how we grew up, too, and thought if it's also something that affects our communication. by seeing his interactions w/ his folks, friends, etc., he's certainly not very open about feelings, and well....neither am i, but i am a bit more open than he is. i guess that's a bad mix overall? communication issues may be the big problem at hand here. he's also a bit of a loner, if that means anything, but i don't think it does.

 

some people said his denial of ever ignoring me may be a passive aggressive move. i don't know much about passive aggressiveness, so i couldn't really confirm it.

 

this is my first relationship ever as this is his second (or third?) real relationship. it made me think of his previous ones, and based on what i've gathered, it seems like he was a bit detached from them, as well (more focused on his studying, work, etc.).

 

i figured if it was ever gonna end, i didn't want it to end w/ him ignoring me, being mad, etc., but rather on mutual terms. i don't wanna lose our friendship.

 

i'm not thinking of marriage at this point...or in the near future. i told him this, but he wants to do it eventually w/ me, or get engaged and stay that way. i don't know why he's thinking about this already.

we both have a long road ahead of us, and we certainly don't need a divorce. his parents are divorced, and i know he harbors hateful feelings for his stepmom and a little for his dad. he cares only for his single mom. i assumed he'd be more careful about marrying the right person at the right time since he, himself, comes from such a family....

Edited November 22, 2010 by vaexx

[Fufu]

LDR is definitely not easy. My ex broke up with me due to LDR and our recurring consistant fights that lasted for months, which I find them pretty silly and really wanted to work things out after he came back. Unfortunately, he decided to choose the best path for himself to end our relationship. (Though he kept saying it's for our best, come on don't kid me.)

 

For LDR couples, I strongly encourage them to have heart to heart talk once a month thru skype video or msn video or best when meet up seeing each other face to face. We are not mind readers, we won't understand one another fully. When it's time to speak up your feelings in your heart, do speak up.

[everlast]

a-a, we only went once without talking for 3 days and that was when he forgot his phone charger when he went to uni... i freeked out and now we talk every day at least for an hour.

LDR is a thing that just can't work without comunication... and even a few days without a word i know we'd both went crazy...

if he's not held hostage or abducted by aliens he has no good excuse for not calling

[crystle600188]

Just saying...I would DEFINITELY ask him what that facebook status was about. If my boyfriend deleted our relationship status I would FREAK our

[creighton0123]

I agree with the others. Still, there is a significant amount of "me, me, me" going on in the post.

 

The only thing I could imagine that would cause a quiet, introvert type to stop calling the person he is dating is if he is stressed because of lacking communication on any level.

 

I have never understood the "I'm too busy to talk or see you because of work/study." It makes me think that the two in the relationship think spending time with one another requires 100% focus on the other person....

 

That's not a relationship... a relationship requires that two people live their lives with and for one another.

 

Am I the only person who thinks that leaving a video chat open for a few hours and just... sitting there doing your own things doesn't count as "quality time?"

 

Hell, half the time my BF and I have video chat, he's cooking breakfast/taking a shower/reading the news and I'm cooking dinner/blogging/posting/working/playing video games.

[crystle600188]

.

 

Am I the only person who thinks that leaving a video chat open for a few hours and just... sitting there doing your own things doesn't count as "quality time?"

 

Hell, half the time my BF and I have video chat, he's cooking breakfast/taking a shower/reading the news and I'm cooking dinner/blogging/posting/working/playing video games.

 

Absolutely, me and my boyfriend do this all the time. Often we'll be on the phone not talking to each other at all. He's doing his thing and I'm doing mine. But the point is to us is that he is still THERE even if we aren't talking, its more like how we would be if we were living together. Also we fall asleep on the phone together every night, just because we can.

[aerogurl87]

I have never understood the "I'm too busy to talk or see you because of work/study." It makes me think that the two in the relationship think spending time with one another requires 100% focus on the other person....

 

 

I don't understand that either and if you ask me it's a BS excuse for ignoring the person you're with. My boyfriend works crazy hours. Most of the time he's up before I wake up in the morning and gone for 12 or more hours a day. But he still makes time to talk to me. In fact, he worked an 18 hour shift the other day and still came home, dead tired, and got on the phone with me to see how my day went and stuff. It all comes down to priorities. If someone is a priority in your life you will make time to speak with them even if it's for 5 minutes.