Long-distances and rebounds

[NG85]

A few months ago the most successful relationship of my life ended. My ex and I were together for 2 years, but we spent most of it living 5 or so hours apart from one another. We began experiencing some turbulence in our relationship over the summer when it became harder to see one another. Also, she made some lifestyle and value changes that made her happy, and it really bugged her that I wouldn't change my lifestyle for her. Around early September we got into a huge fight, and a few days later we talked on the phone and both decided to take a break - I had been thinking of doing this for a while, so it felt like a huge relief.

 

The goal was to wait it out until January and see if things improved, and then to see if we wanted to reconcile. But about a month later my ex kind of hinted that it was just time to end things. I enjoyed my freedom, so I agreed. I began to focus more on my career and tried internet dating (With no luck). But a few weeks ago the breakup really began to hit me, and I realized how much I missed not having her in my life. We still spoke and were friendly, but it just wasn't the same.

 

I decided I was going to tell her that I wanted to reconcile things, but what I didn't notice was that according to Facebook she was seeing someone new. I waited a day before confronting her, and I finally got it out of her that she was seeing a new guy - Who lived 3,000 miles away on the other side of the country and had just visited her the week before. I found out she was talking to him online while we were still dating, and even though I assume they onl just met, they're already talking about moving in together next year (So she sees herself being with him for at least a year). I ended up crying to her and trying to reason with her about meeting up again, but it was no use. She also ended up ranting to me about all the things about me she didn't like. The conversation ended civilly, though, with us being friendly once more. I sent her a text a few days later, and we talked some and I tried to be nice and confident, but it still felt awkward. Since then neither of us has made the move to speak to one another.

 

I'd like to ask you guys for some tips on how to approach things from here on out with the intention of proving that we should get back together. Here are some things I find that are in my favor, and that there might be a chance:

- Her new relationship is moving WAY too fast, to the point where they're already talking about moving in together - Pretty positive it's a sign of a rebound, and apparently 90% of rebound relationships fail within 2-5 weeks

- He lives WAY too far away, and plane tickets are EXPENSIVE - They probably won't be able to see one another very often at all

- When we were together she thought about me 24/7, and sometimes the smallest things I said or did would hurt her, so I don't think that in 2 months she could be completely over me

- Up until our fight she was still texting me and acting friendly

- A few minutes after our fight she showed concerns with a recent illness I had, and helped me find a good doctor to visit online

- She still has some of my clothes, and hasn't mentioned to me that she wants to send them back

- We still talk in our "baby talk" lingo, and mention some inside jokes from time to time

- Before the fight she mentioned wanting to meet up later in the year, although I don't know if that still stands

 

However, these stand in my way:

- I still haven't changed my lifestyle in a way that would make her happy

- I still live really far away...Not as far as him, but it's still across state lines

- She's struggled with depression for years, but she told me that once we broke up, everything began going her way for once, and that she's completely happy for the first time in years.

 

I'm trying to be very positive about the whole thing, and I say to myself every day "I'll get her back!" On the other hand, she does get attached to guys very easily, and I wonder if this could be the real deal (When we began dating we lived closer to one another, but after the third date we were separated by about a 5 hour distance and still made it work). She's planning on visiting him within the next few months and already has plane tickets, and needless to say I'm not too happy. Is there anything I could do at this point to change her mind about me, preferably before she gets on that plane?

Edited November 16, 2010 by NG85

[and.then.some]

Before she gets on the plane? Probably not. The real issue is why the two of your broke up in the first place and why you really want her back.

 

A. Are her complaints legit? Are these things you feel you should change about yourself, or need to compromise on? If so, start turning yourself in the right direction. If you do that and stay there, she might regain interest.

 

B. Why were you okay with ending the relationship? Was it really a good relationship or do you simply miss that thing you had together? Those two things are NOT the same. I can related to the feeling of wanting back into a not-so-great relationship because I really missed the good parts. But, if it wasn't working, and things weren't changing for the better, there's no point in going back to the same old thing. Were there things she did that seriously bothered you in the relationship? What if she's not willing to change? Why were you content with being free of her? I think that says a lot.

 

What you have to understand about some people is that... we don't all just cut ties because we've ended a relationship. Some of us feed off the attention, the energy, and so forth. We like the connection, we like all of that stuff. So, I myself have kept contact with and returned mild flirting with a couple of exes in the past. (I don't do that anymore lol.) It can send the wrong message, but some people are okay with being "friends", because they're still getting the good things out of the deal.

 

Whether you tell her about your decision or not, the best thing to do would be to stay out of her face (so to speak), stay out of her way. Don't beg or plead anymore. You've already told her how you feel I assume. If you guys talk every once in a while, keep it causal, short, and simple... and, make whatever changes you feel necessary and reasonable. Please also consider if there's anything she needs to change. Sometimes it can turn into resentment when one person does all the changing, the other person does not, and yet that other person still manages to find things to complain about down the road. Some people are hard to please, or settle in relationship which they have a hard time finding happiness in.

 

If that connection is deep, and there was enough good in your relationship for her to reconsider a relationship down the road... the best thing is to simply get on the right track and stay there. Don't feed her ego... back away. If you're always there, there's nothing to miss. Consistency is what shows change.

 

Best wishes!

Edited November 16, 2010 by and.then.some

[NG85]

Hi, and.then.some, thanks for the help, and thanks for listening! Our relationship was very atypical, and in the beginning and at many points it was obvious that she loved me much more than I loved her (Although I did love her very much and bent over backwards for her when we got very serious - Although it was expressed that sometimes it wasn't enough). This was my longest relationship, and during some parts I wanted to go slowly whereas she wanted to go fast, and it made it seem like I didn't care. She was going through some problems, and despite the issues, she was worth it, and I did my best to keep her happy.

 

The bulk of the problems for me came from our constant contact with one another through texts, IMs, and emails almost 24/7. We were able to get along most of the time, but she would get jealous if I had friends over or went out and had a good time, and would call or text me all night. I had also recently left my job to begin a new career being self-employed and was working more and was very stressed. The constant IMing and texting and phone calls was distracting me. So I thought that by being free, at least for a little while, would help me and her take care of ourselves, then maybe when we reconciled we'd be better people.

 

Her lifestyle choices were important to her, and I'm glad they made her happy. But I didn't think it was fair for her to try and cajole me into changing with her as they weren't right for me (Although if she was less forceful I'd consider it more). I feel like if I begin making these changes now without her influence, it'll make me look desperate. There are some personal issues I've been working on, but these were only some of the minor changes she wanted.

 

I feel like I blew it when we had the fight, but she seemed to be friendly when we spoke a few days later, if not a little distant. I've been told to cut off contact, but we still spoke every day after the break up like nothing really happened. I don't want to come across as bitter, and I feel that not having contact is sort of a sign of defeat on my part. But likewise, I feel like you can't go 2 years of 24/7 contact with someone and then not notice something missing when you do - I wonder if she feels the same.

 

It's been 3 days since we last spoke, and neither of us has made the effort to contact one another, or do little things like commenting or "liking" something on Facebook the other person posted, which is what we were still doing up until our fight (In fact, she pretty much stopped posting on Facebook after our fight - The fight we had was essentially about something I saw on Facebook). I kind of want to tell her that I'm happy with her and get on her good side, but I'm afraid that initiating contact and having constant contact will make her miss me less, and could put me in the "friend zone". I also have the feeling that she will talk to me if I call or text or IM her, but I also feel like if we go weeks or days without talking, she'll forget about me.

 

Thanks again for the help, and if anyone has any suggestions on where to go from here, let me know!

Edited November 16, 2010 by NG85

[DustySaltus]

How do you know that they were talking about moving in together? Just curious.

 

If the problems that led to the breakup aren't fixed, a second chance won't work. Sure, as and.then.some said, you can work on yourself, but do it for yourself not her. Take a step back and let her live her life. I know it's a tough pill to swallow but it's the most effective way to get yourself back on track. You can't put your life on hold waiting for her. Trust me, i've been there. If she comes back and is willing to work on the issues, then you have something to talk about, but the ball is in her court...

[NG85]

How do you know that they were talking about moving in together? Just curious.

 

If the problems that led to the breakup aren't fixed, a second chance won't work. Sure, as and.then.some said, you can work on yourself, but do it for yourself not her. Take a step back and let her live her life. I know it's a tough pill to swallow but it's the most effective way to get yourself back on track. You can't put your life on hold waiting for her. Trust me, i've been there. If she comes back and is willing to work on the issues, then you have something to talk about, but the ball is in her court...

 

She told me about the moving in together thing herself and wasn't sure if it was a go, but the thing that bugged me was they were actually talking about it. It's also not unreasonably close to where I live.

 

I'm definitely working on improving myself. My work still takes up a large portion of my time, but I'm working on streamlining it so the hours are shorter and it's not as stressful, keeping me mentally secure. I'm also working on getting in shape, which is something she had wanted me to do but which I never pursued - I had wanted to do it for myself for a while, but never had the motivation.

 

I'm also wondering how to handle Facebook statuses, because I know she's on it all the time and she'll probably see them. I keep them positive, but I wonder if there's any way I could make just a general status and get her to talk to me about it........

[DustySaltus]

I think you need to stay off facebook for a while. If someone really wants to get in contact with you, they will. I wouldn't try to do anything through facebook. Don't put any weight into anything that goes on in there....read the links in my signature...

[NG85]

I think you need to stay off facebook for a while. If someone really wants to get in contact with you, they will. I wouldn't try to do anything through facebook. Don't put any weight into anything that goes on in there....read the links in my signature...

 

Thanks for the links and advice, Dusty. My Facebook activity hasn't changed much since the break up, in fact I think I use it less. But it's a good way to get it out there that things are going good for me and I'm having fun. I've never used FB as a place to express negative emotions, before or after the break up.

[and.then.some]

Well, if the changes she wanted you to make were more about her personal lifestyle... then I don't see that as reasonable. If it were something like... drinking too much and it becoming a problem in the relationship or in your life or whatever. Or, you not being reliable or something... then okay. But, if it's more or less something that she would just rather you do, I can't call that a fair request. I don't know the specifics, but that's what it sounds like to me.

 

So, if reconciliation happens she's going to have to make some changes herself. Think about it... if you guys got back together and she was constantly stressing you out bugging you and with jealousy, eventually it would get to you again.

 

You said that maybe in the future, after you've both sorted things out in your lives, you guys might be able to get back together, etc. So, I say that you should probably go back to your original thinking. "Maybe in the future." If nothing has changed, then all of those old problems would still be there.

 

If the relationship was that important to her, you don't have to worry about her forgetting about you. If she's worth reconciling with in the future, you won't have to worry about her forgetting about you.

 

Just take advantage of this time apart to focus on your goals and yourself.

[NG85]

Excellent advice, and.then.some. The problems were nothing as serious, to me, as alcoholism. I live a pretty balanced life, and these changes were more peripheral - It's not like not making them would kill me.

 

I decided yesterday after some soul-searching that I was extremely disrespected, and that it's going to be HER that has to work to win MY respect, not the other way around. I've cut off all contact with her, and if she does care I'll wait for her to get in touch with me first. There's a possibility that after a month I may get in touch with her just to make some small talk, but I'm putting the ball in her court. If we do start re-connecting, we'd pretty much both have to start making changes and really talk it out.

 

In the meantime, I've been focusing double time on my work. I've also been making some changes for myself. She had always wanted me to get into shape, but I was very lax about it and barely pursued it. Starting this week I began jogging about 3 miles a day in order to lose some weight and get back into shape - Not because she'd want it, but because I finally reached a point where I wanted to do it for ME. It's been so long since I could make a decision for myself only and not for us, so it's a strange, yet liberating feeling.

 

I've also been trying to get dates with other girls. This will no doubt help me move on, but I also think it will make her very jealous (Moreso jealous than I am), and could lead her to get in touch with me. If she still cares, this will also bug her, too. In addition I'm going out with friends all the time and basically making it known through Facebook that I can have fun without her, and indeed the stuff we're doing is a type of fun I haven't had in a while.

 

Thanks again!

Edited November 18, 2010 by NG85