Holiday Blues

[xpaperxcutx]

A little background story, it's been a little over three years since I was last in a relationship. Considering my age ( 21), I'm not sure how others will interpret that. The only thing I can say is that I'm no beginner to the dating scene, or even inexperienced for that matter. I've dated and met various people. Yet, as far a relationship or something solid standing was concerned, it never, ever came up.

 

I think at one time I have thought about another relationship. Yet, I also prefer to quash that idea in favor the of current state of things. I enjoy the company of others more than my own, and if I were to label the people I dated, I call them friends but still acquaintences nonetheless.

 

However, nowadays, I have been contemplating the idea of dating for exclusivity. Except, instead of quashing the idea of a relationship, I question how well I'll be able to contribute to it. I don't know whether I can be emotionally available when sometimes I think I can border on the passive aggressive.

 

I also can't help but feel that should a relationship occur in the near future, it will arise out of a selfish motive. That the only reason for me to be with someone is because I don't want to be alone. That because of my need to constantly want company and be in other's company, I will just be settling for " comfort" rather than " love".

 

Of course, I feel like I'm just overthinking things, but with the holidays coming up, I don't know how much of this " need" to be someone is because I want to be with them or it's because I just don't want to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas alone.

 

Am I crazy?

[skydiveaddict]

You are not crazy, no one likes being alone

[D-Jam]

I think if you're only contemplating getting into a RL to get through the holidays...then I wouldn't.

 

Get into the exclusive thing because perhaps you want a long term companion to share with and love. If you like being single most of the time, then be single.

[xpaperxcutx]

You are not crazy, no one likes being alone

 

You're right, but I feel like there's a difference between actually being alone and then admitting hating being alone. I really hate the latter.

 

I think if you're only contemplating getting into a RL to get through the holidays...then I wouldn't.

 

Get into the exclusive thing because perhaps you want a long term companion to share with and love. If you like being single most of the time, then be single.

 

It's not just the Holidays, but you can't say the holidays don't make things worse.

 

I'm not really worried about being single, that's not exactly the problem. Afterall, if I want to be with someone, I can always just go out and flirt. But it's the fact that if given another relationship to try, I'm afraid that I will fail miserably at it. Since my last relationship, I find that it's becoming increasingly hard for me to open up to people. Friends, I can deal with. But people who I date, I can't be more open than surface appearances. We can joke and share in a drink or two, etc. But at the end of the day, they're not a part of my life. Neither can I consider it even when they volunteer.

 

If there is a word for what I'm feeling I feel like I'm emotionally stunted. I can share my time, my energy, but I feel like I can no longer share my feelings and love.

 

I'm sure that right now, even contemplating all these things are slightly immature. I do have other priorities besides thinking about guys and whether they'll call or not. I have school and goals I can't overlook. But there is also another part of me that really worries that if I don't open up, I won't be able to have a long-term relationship with anyone.

Edited November 16, 2010 by xpaperxcutx

[Surrealist]

Christmas and New Year is a strange period, can trigger seasonal type depression in people, especially if they are alone.

[welikeincrowds]

You are not crazy, no one likes being alone

 

That's not true at all. Personally, in many cases, I prefer being alone. Many in my family and many of my friends are the same way. I don't hold it against people who feel the opposite.

 

The thing is, I make an effort to go out and be with people, whether it's just a friend 1-on-1, or whether it's a party situation, even though I like being alone at home, because I believe in doing things that aren't what you are most familiar with for the sake of becoming more whole. I may eventually reach a point in life where I will no longer feel the need, but for now it seems appropriate.

 

I would give you the same advice, papercut. You should take yourself out on some dates. Or, take yourself in on some dates. Once you don't feel uncomfortable about spending a Friday or Saturday night by yourself, your date fu will become much stronger. But that's not really the most important point, I don't think.

 

I feel like I can no longer share my feelings and love.

I can relate to that feeling.

 

I think, honestly, it has a lot more to do with this than you realize:

 

I have school and goals I can't overlook.

Also, I think it's mostly just that you haven't found the right guy yet. I really wonder if you'll have any trouble "contributing" when you meet him.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I enjoy being alone so much that it's scary. A person who will make me feel like I would rather be with them than alone has to be truly exceptional.

 

I just feel like a failure because society makes me feel there is something wrong with me because I am not in a relationship.

[xpaperxcutx]

That's not true at all. Personally, in many cases, I prefer being alone. Many in my family and many of my friends are the same way. I don't hold it against people who feel the opposite.

 

The thing is, I make an effort to go out and be with people, whether it's just a friend 1-on-1, or whether it's a party situation, even though I like being alone at home, because I believe in doing things that aren't what you are most familiar with for the sake of becoming more whole. I may eventually reach a point in life where I will no longer feel the need, but for now it seems appropriate.

 

I would give you the same advice, papercut. You should take yourself out on some dates. Or, take yourself in on some dates. Once you don't feel uncomfortable about spending a Friday or Saturday night by yourself, your date fu will become much stronger. But that's not really the most important point, I don't think.

 

I can relate to that feeling.

 

I think, honestly, it has a lot more to do with this than you realize:

 

Also, I think it's mostly just that you haven't found the right guy yet. I really wonder if you'll have any trouble "contributing" when you meet him.

 

I never saw myself as a homebody, although I do tend to stay in my room for far longer than I like. I like the quietness and since my family don't interact with each other very much, staying in my personal corner seems apt.

 

I do make an effort to go out, but here's the weird thing about me- I tend to hang out more with people I don't know than with people I do. Sometimes when I go to parties I drift toward strangers... but still I never open up to them as they do me. The only things we might ever have in common is the party, the host, the alcohol, etc. Aside from those, I doubt I will ever hang out with them. Of course, at the same time, that is when I'm the most comfortable.

 

I don't know if there will be a guy I like. I know I date guys because I have an attraction to them but then at the end, more than half the time I realized I don't really like them at all. I mean thinking back to my relationship, I don't even know if I liked my ex. The only reason I had been with him was because he asked me to be his girlfriend. I did put in time and energy to see him, but after our breakup, I was the first one to move on.

[xpaperxcutx]

I enjoy being alone so much that it's scary. A person who will make me feel like I would rather be with them than alone has to be truly exceptional.

 

I just feel like a failure because society makes me feel there is something wrong with me because I am not in a relationship.

 

You might not even realize how alone you are until somebody brings it up.

 

I never thought I minded being single until people asks why I am. To me, it sounds more taboo than just a harmless question.

[Untouchable_Fire]

A little background story, it's been a little over three years since I was last in a relationship. Considering my age ( 21), I'm not sure how others will interpret that. The only thing I can say is that I'm no beginner to the dating scene, or even inexperienced for that matter. I've dated and met various people. Yet, as far a relationship or something solid standing was concerned, it never, ever came up.

I think at one time I have thought about another relationship. Yet, I also prefer to quash that idea in favor the of current state of things. I enjoy the company of others more than my own, and if I were to label the people I dated, I call them friends but still acquaintences nonetheless.

 

Ok... I'm going to make an attempt to say something intelligent and not be a douchebag. I assume the new avatar is your picture. You are pretty so I can rule that out as an issue.

 

So your last relationship was at the highschool level? How do you feel about it looking back? How did it end?

 

However, nowadays, I have been contemplating the idea of dating for exclusivity. Except, instead of quashing the idea of a relationship, I question how well I'll be able to contribute to it. I don't know whether I can be emotionally available when sometimes I think I can border on the passive aggressive.

 

Chances are you have a lot to contribute, and it may help you break out of that passive aggressive mold.

 

However, you seem to have some larger than typical emotional walls. Is this from past experience or something you have always had.

 

 

I also can't help but feel that should a relationship occur in the near future, it will arise out of a selfish motive. That the only reason for me to be with someone is because I don't want to be alone. That because of my need to constantly want company and be in other's company, I will just be settling for " comfort" rather than " love".

Of course, I feel like I'm just overthinking things, but with the holidays coming up, I don't know how much of this " need" to be someone is because I want to be with them or it's because I just don't want to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas alone.

Am I crazy?

 

Your not crazy... this is a holiday season that our society emphasizes family and togetherness. It can make you feel very lonely.

 

What are the chances you would choose "comfortable" over "love" because it's safe not because love is hard to find?

[xpaperxcutx]

Ok... I'm going to make an attempt to say something intelligent and not be a douchebag. I assume the new avatar is your picture. You are pretty so I can rule that out as an issue.

 

So your last relationship was at the highschool level? How do you feel about it looking back? How did it end?

 

I ended it. I got into the relationship right out of high school. My ex and I met on myspace, we met in RL, and after two weeks, we were in a relationship. Looking back, everything progressed extremely quickly- I was always the one putting in the effort to visit him ( we'd lived 1hr and a half away from each other). I would see him behind my parents back, and although he'd never met my parents, I've met all his friends and his family.

 

Chances are you have a lot to contribute, and it may help you break out of that passive aggressive mold.

 

 

However, you seem to have some larger than typical emotional walls. Is this from past experience or something you have always had.

 

 

I have a past that I won't elaborate here but I was once on antidepressants.

 

I don't know how much my history affects my current state of mind, but I do like to keep my personal life separate from my social life. Like I'd mentioned, I get along with people I don't know more than my own best friends. I never talk about my family, and I certainly don't elaborate on my problems with strangers. Everything else are surface appearances.

 

Your not crazy... this is a holiday season that our society emphasizes family and togetherness. It can make you feel very lonely.

 

What are the chances you would choose "comfortable" over "love" because it's safe not because love is hard to find?

 

 

Good question.

 

Even though I live at home, my parents and I have very limited interaction. I do not get along with my stepdad, while my mom is a workaholic. I haven't properly celebrated the holidays in years. I normally just find other things to do, go to parties I got invited to, or spend the weekends at my aunt's and uncle's place. It's " comfortable" to have people around even though there isn't " love"

[Titania22]

You might not even realize how alone you are until somebody brings it up.

 

I never thought I minded being single until people asks why I am. To me, it sounds more taboo than just a harmless question.

 

This is so true. It's like my mum, people are worried about how she is coping with my dad (mood swings and the start of dementia), and she is like, if nobody said anything she wouldn't have thought about it, and be doing fine, but now she knows people are worried about her, she is finding it harder.

 

It also is understanding that many people (guys) you like when you don't know them too well, but when you get to know them, not so much. But like wellincrowds said 'it's probably just because you haven't met the right guy'. When you meet him, suddenly you will be doing things and behaving in ways you never thought you would.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I ended it. I got into the relationship right out of high school. My ex and I met on myspace, we met in RL, and after two weeks, we were in a relationship. Looking back, everything progressed extremely quickly- I was always the one putting in the effort to visit him ( we'd lived 1hr and a half away from each other). I would see him behind my parents back, and although he'd never met my parents, I've met all his friends and his family.

 

Hmm... It sounds like you made an active effort to be part of his life, while he was not a huge part of yours. It might be you didn't want him to know that part of you... which would show trust or intimacy problems. Or that he didn't want to get to know you... which would just make him self centered.

 

I have a past that I won't elaborate here but I was once on antidepressants.

I don't know how much my history affects my current state of mind, but I do like to keep my personal life separate from my social life. Like I'd mentioned, I get along with people I don't know more than my own best friends. I never talk about my family, and I certainly don't elaborate on my problems with strangers. Everything else are surface appearances.

 

Whatever it is... I think it may play a fairly large role in your current state.

 

I think your family situation has forced you to cope by compartmentalizing.

 

Lets say you met someone really great.... someone you had a deep connection with and could see yourself marrying. How would you feel brining that person to meet your family?

 

Good question.

Even though I live at home, my parents and I have very limited interaction. I do not get along with my stepdad, while my mom is a workaholic. I haven't properly celebrated the holidays in years. I normally just find other things to do, go to parties I got invited to, or spend the weekends at my aunt's and uncle's place. It's " comfortable" to have people around even though there isn't " love"

 

I can understand your distaste for being alone.

 

What do you think your chances are for finding someone you can love and who will love you in return?

[xpaperxcutx]

Hmm... It sounds like you made an active effort to be part of his life, while he was not a huge part of yours. It might be you didn't want him to know that part of you... which would show trust or intimacy problems. Or that he didn't want to get to know you... which would just make him self centered.

 

 

Actually he did want to be a part of my life, he'd always wanted to come over to my place... there were other issues... he didn't have a job at the time, and I didn't want him around my area in case my parents saw us together. I think my mom had her suspiscions at the time when I was gone for the weekends. She always had a habit lectured me not to date outside my race.

 

Whatever it is... I think it may play a fairly large role in your current state.

 

I think your family situation has forced you to cope by compartmentalizing.

Really? I never saw it that way. I just don't see the purpose of mixing pleasure with personal affairs.

 

 

 

 

Lets say you met someone really great.... someone you had a deep connection with and could see yourself marrying. How would you feel brining that person to meet your family?

 

 

 

I can understand your distaste for being alone.

 

What do you think your chances are for finding someone you can love and who will love you in return?

 

I see myself dating people. But I woud never bring them home. I just don't the possibility of introducing a boyfriend to my parents.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Actually he did want to be a part of my life, he'd always wanted to come over to my place... there were other issues... he didn't have a job at the time, and I didn't want him around my area in case my parents saw us together. I think my mom had her suspiscions at the time when I was gone for the weekends. She always had a habit lectured me not to date outside my race.

 

I've had that lecture before.

 

As I remember correctly it made me want to do the exact opposite.

 

Really? I never saw it that way. I just don't see the purpose of mixing pleasure with personal affairs.

 

Your social life and your personal life should not be too separate. Unless you put on a latex suit and fight crime at night. At least that is my thought on it.

 

The purpose is that compartmentalizing aspects of your life can sometimes be unhealthy. Especially if it's done for the reason of keeping those in your social circle at an emotional distance.

 

I see myself dating people. But I woud never bring them home. I just don't the possibility of introducing a boyfriend to my parents.

 

Dating people but not falling in love?

 

I can understand your desire to keep your parents at a distance. Do you have people you can talk to about this? If you don't... I would suggest finding one like minded person you can open up to.

 

 

 

Any of this helpful to you?

[xpaperxcutx]

I've had that lecture before.

 

As I remember correctly it made me want to do the exact opposite.

 

Oh yeah, I never dated an asian. I may have sex with one or two, but I never dated one.

 

Your social life and your personal life should not be too separate. Unless you put on a latex suit and fight crime at night. At least that is my thought on it.

 

The purpose is that compartmentalizing aspects of your life can sometimes be unhealthy. Especially if it's done for the reason of keeping those in your social circle at an emotional distance.

 

Lol. I always wanted to dress up as Batgirl.

 

It's not unhealthy, it's just convenient.

 

 

 

Dating people but not falling in love?

 

I can understand your desire to keep your parents at a distance. Do you have people you can talk to about this? If you don't... I would suggest finding one like minded person you can open up to.

 

 

 

Any of this helpful to you?[/

 

 

Umm do I have to love to date? If I like someone enough I'll date them, but half the time it's just attraction, nothing more. To even think I'll love them is kind of obscene and unimaginable.

 

Yea, this has been helpful, you asked some pretty good questions. I just don't want to talk to anyone close to me about any of these. There's no point in analyzing about my life.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Oh yeah, I never dated an asian. I may have sex with one or two, but I never dated one.

 

First two years of highschool I almost exclusively dated hispanic women. Drove my parents nuts. I didn't hide who I was dating though. My hometown is about 40% hispanic so I didn't have to try hard... just learn a little spanish.

 

At some point in my mid-teens my parents views on anything stopped being of any consequence to me. Maybe I proved my point to them... dunno.

 

What I can say for sure is that looking back it wasn't the best reason to date women just because my parents wouldn't approve.

 

Lol. I always wanted to dress up as Batgirl.

It's not unhealthy, it's just convenient.

 

Well... I'm not really trying to tell you to be any one way. Just tossing out some ideas for you to think about.

 

When presented with conflict do you like being aggressive or passive aggressive in response?

 

I'd say your answer to that may play a role in how to deal with living somewhat separate lives.

 

Umm do I have to love to date? If I like someone enough I'll date them, but half the time it's just attraction, nothing more. To even think I'll love them is kind of obscene and unimaginable.

Yea, this has been helpful, you asked some pretty good questions. I just don't want to talk to anyone close to me about any of these. There's no point in analyzing about my life.

 

For what it's worth some of the things you mention make me feel like you might have some problems with emotional intimacy. To be fair... who doesn't? But if you get into any serious romantic relationship this may cause problems. Actually it may prevent you from being in a serious relationship because of the desire for emotional distance. I'm just guessing though.

 

When you don't have anyone in particular you feel like talking to... that's when this forum can be helpful.

 

No point in analyzing your life. Do you mean to say that you can't change anything or that your content with things as they are?

 

I'm glad it's been somewhat helpful. You've always seemed like a good person.

[xpaperxcutx]

First two years of highschool I almost exclusively dated hispanic women. Drove my parents nuts. I didn't hide who I was dating though. My hometown is about 40% hispanic so I didn't have to try hard... just learn a little spanish.

 

At some point in my mid-teens my parents views on anything stopped being of any consequence to me. Maybe I proved my point to them... dunno.

 

What I can say for sure is that looking back it wasn't the best reason to date women just because my parents wouldn't approve.

 

 

Well, I'm a girl, so my parents were overly protective. My mom, especially,tend to lecture me on avoiding boys as much as possible. There was a time when I couldn't even leave my house unless I specified where I was going and with whom. She knows all my best friends of whom are girls, and the little guy friends I have, are the boyfriends of my best friends or are classmates.

 

 

Well... I'm not really trying to tell you to be any one way. Just tossing out some ideas for you to think about.

 

When presented with conflict do you like being aggressive or passive aggressive in response?

 

I'd say your answer to that may play a role in how to deal with living somewhat separate lives.

 

 

 

I can't say I don't like being told I'm wrong. But I also don't like confrontation. I tend to avoid it as much as possible. I admit, I'm alot different now than I was years ago. I used to have anger issues and tend to scream and shout alot, especially when it came to arguing with my mom. Nowadays, I just step away from the conflict.

 

 

 

 

For what it's worth some of the things you mention make me feel like you might have some problems with emotional intimacy. To be fair... who doesn't? But if you get into any serious romantic relationship this may cause problems. Actually it may prevent you from being in a serious relationship because of the desire for emotional distance. I'm just guessing though.

 

When you don't have anyone in particular you feel like talking to... that's when this forum can be helpful.

 

No point in analyzing your life. Do you mean to say that you can't change anything or that your content with things as they are?

 

I'm glad it's been somewhat helpful. You've always seemed like a good person.

 

Thanks for the compliment.

 

I am aware of my emotional distance. I don't know if I can truly change that or if I want to. Being passive has been helpful at times, as compared in the past when I let my emotions drive my actions. I like to think I'm level headed now, but it has also made me a little detached at times.