Star82 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Hello. I am new here and just looking for some input, advice, tough love, whatever. I met this guy about a year ago, we will call him J. I knew he was married but we started out as friends. Typical story, we had so much in common, yadda yadda and we started a physical as well as emotional relationship. I know his wife knows about me because he's talked to me on the phone in front of her and actually wants me to meet her next weekend. Of course I have gotten the they no longer have sex fairy tale. I know I should just tell him to ^%&* off and move on with my life, but he has been a god send to me through some rough times, I don't know if I have the strength. I have tried and always end up talking to him again. I just wish I understood what he's doing, what I'm doing and why the heck she would want to hang out with me.
fooled once Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Hello. I am new here and just looking for some input, advice, tough love, whatever. I met this guy about a year ago, we will call him J. I knew he was married but we started out as friends. Typical story, we had so much in common, yadda yadda and we started a physical as well as emotional relationship. I know his wife knows about me because he's talked to me on the phone in front of her and actually wants me to meet her next weekend. Of course I have gotten the they no longer have sex fairy tale. I know I should just tell him to ^%&* off and move on with my life, but he has been a god send to me through some rough times, I don't know if I have the strength. I have tried and always end up talking to him again. I just wish I understood what he's doing, what I'm doing and why the heck she would want to hang out with me. \???? why in the world would he want you to meet his wife? For a 3some? Was he talking about having sex with you in front of his wife? He easily could have said you were some girl from work who has a crush on him. I Husband at times talks to females he works with on the phone (when we are at home) but just because he talks to them doesn't = he is cheating. Heck, my BOSS calls me at home at times but there is nothing going on there.
Author Star82 Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 We did not talk about sex, but he did tell me he loved me a few times in front of her.
alexandria35 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 So why does he want you to meet his wife? Does she want to meet you? Does she know that you are having sex with her husband and if so do they have an open marriage?
Author Star82 Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 He wants an open marriage, she doesn't but from what he says she's accepting it. According to him, she wants to meet me.
Silly_Girl Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 He wants an open marriage, she doesn't but from what he says she's accepting it. According to him, she wants to meet me. What do YOU want? What's your ideal scenario?
2sunny Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I just wish I understood what he's doing, what I'm doing and why the heck she would want to hang out with me. sounds like he's set up a plan for a threesome. his wife is in on it, reluctantly... and now he wants you on board - all for his own selfish gain. since she's reluctant, if you all follow through with it... expect her to have emotional swings about watching her H have sex with another woman. is that good enough for you?
KarmasTestDummy Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 He wants an open marriage, she doesn't but from what he says she's accepting it. According to him, she wants to meet me. Sounds to me like she doesn't but knows he's going to (well is) anyway so she might as well meet you to size you up as her competition. That old adage, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. She may be sweet as pie, but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 this whole thing has the potiental to blow up and hurt everybody. His wife has been kept in the dark, lied to as well ... Just like YOU have. If you believe they don't have sex, you're fooling yourself. NO wife who hasn't had sex with her husband for whatever reason isn't going to all of a sudden allow another woman into their marital bed. Either she IS into this or she isn't. WHo knows what the truth is, guess time will tell if you decide to go. But, i'm advising you not to. You like this guy, alot right? he is married and probably has no intention of leaving his wife, ending his marriage to be with you. If you want kids of your own one day, your own husband, a family life, this guy is NOT it. He isn't long term material for you!!
Author Star82 Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 I do want a husband and kids and I know that he is not the one that will provide me with those things. I guess at my age (I'm 39), I feel I will never have it. I don't believe for one second that they are not having sex. I have looked at him as my best friend, that is why I don't know how to give it up.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 This whole thing just sounds shady to me. Do NOT meet the wife, that will just open up a giant can of worms. MM are liars by nature, therefore you really can't believe a single thing that he says to you. I highly doubt she is just "accepting" having an open marriage. And he doesn't want an open marriage, he wants to continue to have an A with you without the hastle of having two women nag him to death. I would go NC again, as hard as it will be. Just keep in mind that he is trouble and that you will NOT get your happy ending (marriage, kids, ect) with him in your life. If that is your goal, then you are going to have to go elsewhere for it. Be strong.
LovelyDaze Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 It sounds like he is trying to legitimize the purpose of having you both in his life. If you do meet your MM's wife, it would be interesting to see how he introduces you. Will he just say, "My friend ****" or whatever label he gives you (i.e. girlfriend). I agree that you shouldn't meet the wife though and try to separate yourself despite the deep connection you have.
fooled once Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Sounds to me like she doesn't but knows he's going to (well is) anyway so she might as well meet you to size you up as her competition. That old adage, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. She may be sweet as pie, but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. I wouldn't trust the OW as far as I could throw her knowing she is screwing my married husband. I do want a husband and kids and I know that he is not the one that will provide me with those things. I guess at my age (I'm 39), I feel I will never have it. I don't believe for one second that they are not having sex. I have looked at him as my best friend, that is why I don't know how to give it up. Why don't you think you could have a husband and kids? Why settle for someone else's husband? He isn't your best friend. He is a guy getting lots of sex from you (and his wife). Now, he wants HIS fantasy played out - no matter who gets hurt. Sounds like a jerk to me.
spice4life Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 (edited) I agree with lovelydaze and think he is trying to legitimize having you both in his life out in the open. Has he ever talked to you about his M? Are they "together" for the kids and financial reasons? Or do they seem to have a good M (I know I know, so why the A then?...lol) and he wants to have both objects of his desire without lying? To me it sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too out in the open. How does this sit with you? What he wants doesn't matter - all that DOES matter is what YOU want. Have you thought about therapy to help you understand that at 39 you still do have a lot of options? It's a matter of being open to those options and it will happen. If you are tied up with your MM and his W you won't be. it's up to you and what you want. If you go for his suggestion how is he going to treat you? Is he going to still make you sit on the sidelines waiting for scraps while he plays honorable H and father? Or will you get the same consideration his W gets and be treated well? I don't know - there are a lot of issues with this arrangement. I really suggest therapy though because you need to get to the bottom of why you feel you have no options. That is where I would start. Take care of your needs and stop and think about why you are willing to contort yourself to have this guy in your life. Good luck to you in whatever you decide. Edited November 17, 2010 by spice4life
Author Star82 Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 You are all right. I made some calls today to try and find a therapist that takes my insurance. He called last night and ended the affair. He is not sure what is going to happen with his marriage but claims he is going to leave her in the next few months, which I think we all know is not true. He says he wants to remain best friends. I said "fine" thinking this was his way of dumping me without looking like the bad guy, but it looks like I was wrong as he called me throughout the day as normal. I guess ending the affair to him is ending the physical aspects. He still wants me to meet her but that is not going to happen.
Recommended Posts