Why should guys wait for the girl to bring up "the talk"?

[Bogo123]

Ive read on numerous threads on here that the guy should not bring up "the talk" and just wait until the girl brings it up. What's the reason? Does a man appear less of a man if he wants to be in a committed relationship? Does it appear needy?

 

Ive been dating a girl for three months now. She hasn't brought it up and neither have I. I'm kinda waiting for it to just happen. Do I ask her to be my girl or how does one know?

[AverageJoe]

Do I ask her to be my girl or how does one know?

 

After only three months you dont know anything.

 

What is the hurry?

[Pyro]

Ive read on numerous threads on here that the guy should not bring up "the talk" and just wait until the girl brings it up. What's the reason? Does a man appear less of a man if he wants to be in a committed relationship? Does it appear needy?

 

Ive been dating a girl for three months now. She hasn't brought it up and neither have I. I'm kinda waiting for it to just happen. Do I ask her to be my girl or how does one know?

 

Anyone who believes that its only the girls job is very close minded and insecure.

 

If you feel you are ready then you ask her.

 

FTR I brought it up with my last relationship at the three month mark. We lasted over 3 years.

[Metoo33]

After only three months you dont know anything.

 

What is the hurry?

 

 

3 months is plenty of time. Average Joe you sound very bitter.

[zig]

Ive read on numerous threads on here that the guy should not bring up "the talk" and just wait until the girl brings it up. What's the reason? Does a man appear less of a man if he wants to be in a committed relationship? Does it appear needy?

 

Ive been dating a girl for three months now. She hasn't brought it up and neither have I. I'm kinda waiting for it to just happen. Do I ask her to be my girl or how does one know?

 

What do you mean by dating? Are you seeing each other more than once a week and talking on the phone every day or every other? Or is it just hooking up every now and then?

[Eeyore79]

I won't date someone more than a couple of times unless it becomes an exclusive relationship and we're committed to having a decent try at things. In my opinion, a couple of dates is enough to know whether or not you want to try someone out as your partner. I will typically ask about exclusivity in the first week or two, and if it isn't on offer I'll walk. I would love it if a guy brought up the exclusivity talk so I didn't have to.

[Bogo123]

What do you mean by dating? Are you seeing each other more than once a week and talking on the phone every day or every other? Or is it just hooking up every now and then?

 

Once a week because we are both busy. But we usually spend all day together and spend a night. We talk on the phone around twice a week, and text/IM every day. We went on a road trip a few weeks ago and she brought up going on another one soon.

[AverageJoe]

Once a week because we are both busy. But we usually spend all day together and spend a night. We talk on the phone around twice a week, and text/IM every day. We went on a road trip a few weeks ago and she brought up going on another one soon.

 

Twelve days out of the ninety you have spent together, twelve days, roughly speaking.

So you really dont know much (about each other), after all as I suspected.

 

Again, what is the hurry? I can take a good guess.

 

You want the exclusive talk to prevent the chance of her sleeping with someone else. How is my aim?

[BobSacamento]

Twelve days out of the ninety you have spent together, twelve days, roughly speaking.

So you really dont know much (about each other), after all as I suspected.

 

Again, what is the hurry? I can take a good guess.

 

You want the exclusive talk to prevent the chance of her sleeping with someone else. How is my aim?

 

Exactly.

 

In fact I would even bet that she hasn't brought it up because she knows you are only seeing her.

[Bogo123]

Twelve days out of the ninety you have spent together, twelve days, roughly speaking.

So you really dont know much (about each other), after all as I suspected.

 

Again, what is the hurry? I can take a good guess.

 

You want the exclusive talk to prevent the chance of her sleeping with someone else. How is my aim?

 

Spending a night and hanging out the next day counts as two days. Sometimes we meet up for a drink mid week, but the last month its been the weekend only. Im also getting to know her through text/phone.

 

Your aim is good. I don't want to see anyone else and want her to do the same.

 

Exactly.

 

In fact I would even bet that she hasn't brought it up because she knows you are only seeing her.

 

So should I start playing games and canceling on her to keep her on her toes?

[ReturnToSender]

Uh..why would you play games? Start cancelling on her so that she thinks you arent interested and start a tailspin of depreciating thoughts about the relationship and herself at your sudden change in behavior? Im not entirely sure thats the dynamic youre going for...

 

And yeah, the exclusivity talk is entirely for the purpose of realizing you do not want to casually date, you do not want to see anyone else, and in the hopes that she feels the same way you talk about it and become clearly exclusive to each other, rather than just leaving it up in the air and up to assumptions.

 

So yeah, if youre serious about her dont set out to play games and make her second guess the relationship...just be honest and upstanding.

[Metoo33]

Spending a night and hanging out the next day counts as two days. Sometimes we meet up for a drink mid week, but the last month its been the weekend only. Im also getting to know her through text/phone.

 

Your aim is good. I don't want to see anyone else and want her to do the same.

 

 

 

So should I start playing games and canceling on her to keep her on her toes?

 

 

Why would you play games with someone you actually like? Games are for children. Women don't like games and if you go that route you may ruin a good thing.

[Metoo33]

I won't date someone more than a couple of times unless it becomes an exclusive relationship and we're committed to having a decent try at things. In my opinion, a couple of dates is enough to know whether or not you want to try someone out as your partner. I will typically ask about exclusivity in the first week or two, and if it isn't on offer I'll walk. I would love it if a guy brought up the exclusivity talk so I didn't have to.

 

 

The first week or two? That's way too soon.

[phineas]

I won't date someone more than a couple of times unless it becomes an exclusive relationship and we're committed to having a decent try at things. In my opinion, a couple of dates is enough to know whether or not you want to try someone out as your partner. I will typically ask about exclusivity in the first week or two, and if it isn't on offer I'll walk. I would love it if a guy brought up the exclusivity talk so I didn't have to.

 

Does exclusivity = sex?

[that girl]

Bogo- how old are you?

 

If it hasn't come up after 3 months, odds are decent that she already thinks you're a couple.

 

But she may not.

 

I know a couple who ended up with serious drama because of this. Girl and guy meet, are basically joined at the hip for two months. Another guy asks girl out and since exclusivity has never been discussed, she thinks why not? It is just a drink. Guy she's dating finds out about the date and dumps her, not mentioning that he knows. Girl is broken hearted, guy is broken hearted. A couple of months later, they get thrown together and end up dating again after they discuss what happened. Girl would have been fine with exclusive if he'd asked and guy had assumed they were exclusive. She just didn't want to jump the gun- some guys are really freaked out about exclusivity.

 

It was all just drama. They've been together for years and are really happy, so it was lucky they ran into each other again. But guy could have saved both of them a lot of drama if he'd just said it.

 

So should I start playing games and canceling on her to keep her on her toes?

Oh Bogo, stay a way from the advice of bitter men. She may or may not consider this an exclusive relationship. Either way, if you start playing games and cancelling, you risk losing her. Would you put up with that? Why should she?

 

Have the conversation. Odds are in your favor.

[bac]

You can talk with her about exclusivity. I have no idea why you think that she should be the first to bring it up. But, if you want to be very safe, you might want first to ask her opinion about exclusivity and when she thinks it is the right time to talk about it.

[GivenUp0083]

Ive read on numerous threads on here that the guy should not bring up "the talk" and just wait until the girl brings it up. What's the reason? Does a man appear less of a man if he wants to be in a committed relationship? Does it appear needy?

 

Ive been dating a girl for three months now. She hasn't brought it up and neither have I. I'm kinda waiting for it to just happen. Do I ask her to be my girl or how does one know?

 

You've answered your own question. Yes, you ask that question, you will not appear masculine or secure. She will initiate "the talk" with you because you are a catch, she wants to be with you, she wants you to herself, and she understands that if she doesn't claim you someone else will. If she hasn't done that yet after 3 months, she's holding out for someone better and she's using you. Do you think she's worried you'll meet another woman? Do you like her and want to keep her?

 

Here's what you do: start hanging around other women. It doesn't matter if they're friends, or random girls you met at the coffee shop. Just don't bring it up to her, but some how let her find out about it through other people or something. It'll make her wonder why you're doing that and that if she doesn't make a move to keep you soon then she's going to lose you.

 

Or, you can listen to what women say (who never agree on anything and always change their mind) and just tell her you want a relationship....just don't be surprised when she asks you to help her pack her bags.

[that girl]

Yes, you ask that question, you will not appear masculine or secure. She will initiate "the talk" with you because you are a catch, she wants to be with you, she wants you to herself, and she understands that if she doesn't claim you someone else will.

For most of human history, men have done the persuing.

 

While I think women should feel as comforable persuing, they don't always. Some don't feel comfortable, some are too traditional and some are just shy.

 

Everyone wants to feel like a catch.

 

If she hasn't done that yet after 3 months, she's holding out for someone better and she's using you.

Or she thinks they're already a couple. Or she's too traditional to ask herself.

 

Here's what you do: start hanging around other women. It doesn't matter if they're friends, or random girls you met at the coffee shop. Just don't bring it up to her, but some how let her find out about it through other people or something. It'll make her wonder why you're doing that and that if she doesn't make a move to keep you soon then she's going to lose you.

Or she'll dump you.

 

Or, you can listen to what women say (who never agree on anything and always change their mind)

This is sexist.

[zengirl]

Ive read on numerous threads on here that the guy should not bring up "the talk" and just wait until the girl brings it up. What's the reason? Does a man appear less of a man if he wants to be in a committed relationship? Does it appear needy?

 

Ive been dating a girl for three months now. She hasn't brought it up and neither have I. I'm kinda waiting for it to just happen. Do I ask her to be my girl or how does one know?

 

Personally, I pretty much always wait for the guy to ask me to be his girlfriend; I might nudge it a teensy bit, but not much. That's mostly because I know I have no issues with commitment (a fact I try to make clear), but you never know with a guy when that will kick in. I'm trying to reform myself a bit on this, since I think it should be a mutual thing -- with my current boyfriend, it very much was, and it was super natural -- but it's difficult.

 

It's in my nature to persue, actually, but I tend to suppress that when dating, as I find I wind up with better men and have better judgment when I allow them to persue. Hence the waiting for a guy to ask me to be exclusive. However, I make it clear I've not got interest in seeing anyone else, generally, and that tends to prompt the discussion.

 

You've answered your own question. Yes, you ask that question, you will not appear masculine or secure. She will initiate "the talk" with you because you are a catch, she wants to be with you, she wants you to herself, and she understands that if she doesn't claim you someone else will. If she hasn't done that yet after 3 months, she's holding out for someone better and she's using you. Do you think she's worried you'll meet another woman? Do you like her and want to keep her?

 

Here's what you do: start hanging around other women. It doesn't matter if they're friends, or random girls you met at the coffee shop. Just don't bring it up to her, but some how let her find out about it through other people or something. It'll make her wonder why you're doing that and that if she doesn't make a move to keep you soon then she's going to lose you.

 

Or, you can listen to what women say (who never agree on anything and always change their mind) and just tell her you want a relationship....just don't be surprised when she asks you to help her pack her bags.

 

That sounds terribly unhealthy to me. That's like something you'd do in high school----why try to put the person on edge? How is that a good foundation for a healthy relationship?

[waynebrady]

You got it wrong it's the other way around. Women NEVER initiate "the talk". Men are always the one who brings up the question of exclusivity.

 

You thread should really read "Why should women wait for the guy to bring up the talk?"

 

Women don't initiate anything what so ever in relationship. As a man you will have to initiate everything, including "the talk".

[waynebrady]

Oh Bogo, stay a way from the advice of bitter men. She may or may not consider this an exclusive relationship. Either way, if you start playing games and cancelling, you risk losing her. Would you put up with that? Why should she?

 

Women always advice the woman to play similar games to not be so available, keep the man on his toes and let the man do all the pursuing. Why should men have to put up with that treatment? I don't think he should play games at all, but I'm just saying men hate it just as much when you women play those same games yet women always say that women should do that. No one should play games.

[red_cloud]

Women always advice the woman to play similar games to not be so available, keep the man on his toes and let the man do all the pursuing. Why should men have to put up with that treatment? I don't think he should play games at all, but I'm just saying men hate it just as much when you women play those same games yet women always say that women should do that. No one should play games.

 

 

No we don't. The advice given to women to not pursue men is so that a lot of women don't come off as desperate and maintain a certain amount of self-dignity. Believe it or not, men are not attracted to women who act desperate

 

OP - Women don't initiate the talk. We ALWAYS wait for the guy to do it. The standard women's point of view is that men are scared of commitment and need more time to get adjusted to the relationship. At month one, the girl is already naming their children, the guy is still trying to decide if he likes her or not. And there is always the fear of scaring the guy. This is why we wait for the guy to do it.

[mmk1]

My experience is that women initiate the exclusivity talk, although I did it recently (with positive results). There is truth to knowing someone better before having the talk but I don't set arbitrary guidelines. Whenever it feels right and to whomever it feels right.

[GivenUp0083]

That sounds terribly unhealthy to me. That's like something you'd do in high school----why try to put the person on edge? How is that a good foundation for a healthy relationship?

 

Sounds unhealthy? You're a doctor? Whats your field of study?

 

There's no puting of anyone on any edge. He's just going to do what will make him happy. He should continue to be positive around her and enjoy each other's company. At the same time, he shouldn't put all his eggs in one basket, he should've been continuing to date other women at every opportunity since he even met this girl. Until she claims him or shows him any sign of wanting a committed relationship, he is free to enjoy himself and go on dates with anyone he pleases. He shows interest every time he takes her out, but if she doesn't want seriousness from him (and he clearly is looking for something serious) then he should keep going out with other women until he finds someone that he can be happy with and is willing to committ. What's so unhealthy about that?

 

For most of human history, men have done the persuing.

 

For most of human history women cooked and cleaned the house. What's your point?

 

While I think women should feel as comforable persuing, they don't always. Some don't feel comfortable, some are too traditional and some are just shy.

 

But he didn't post "Hey guys, this girl seems really shy, how do I pursue her or get her in a relationship with me". He said they've dated 3 months and she hasn't brought it up. Also, being shy and having poor communications skills are not the same thing. Even shy girls have the ability to tell a guy what they want.

Everyone wants to feel like a catch.

 

First time we agree.

 

Or she thinks they're already a couple. Or she's too traditional to ask herself.

 

Ok, so she thinks they're a couple. If he spends time with another girl (as a friend) and she is suspect of it, then she'll communicate better that she thought they were exclusive. At that point he can explain he didn't know but would like a committing relationship. Problem solved.

 

Or she'll dump you.

 

If she does, she didn't like him that much in the first place. We call it "dodging a bullet". If he were to marry her and one little thing went wrong she would divorce him and take his kids/money. If she does it early on he saves himself time, money, and massive heartache.

 

 

This is sexist.

 

I'm just pointing out that female to male dating advice is extremely suspect. Women are all too different, the majority of women don't even get along with other women these days (I have a lot of female friends who claim this all the time). There also is big holes in what women say they want and what they actually want, it's a stereotype but stereotypes come from somewhere. There are a lot of women who don't understand how to give dating advise on how to date themselves, let alone win over another woman.

[skydiveaddict]

Ive read on numerous threads on here that the guy should not bring up "the talk" and just wait until the girl brings it up. What's the reason?

 

 

'Cause you will get dumped if you do