I need to leave him

[4321sn]

The more Im reading the more I realize that I need to get myself out of this. I feel like I have an illness. It's been so long since I've actually felt good about the A. Well I NEVER felt good about the A...idk I thought of it as a relationship. But it wasn't.

 

Why I am so scared to leave when it is only making me miserable?

 

Today he texted that his teenaged daughter who tried to comit suicide in May was not doing well. Some girls at school were talking about her and she had a breakdown. He had to leave work and take her to her therapist.

 

This man has so much sh*t going on right now. He can't leave...

Finances are a mess...(really really bad), daughter is in a fragile state and work is crazy and will be for the next month. He's working 80 hours a week. So where do I fit in? Somewhere if there is left over time from work, his children, marriage counceling, fighting with his W and sleeping. He is in a terrible state of mind and was crying on the phone with me yesterday.

 

I need to face the reality that although he loves me it is just not possible at

this moment. Maybe in 6 months maybe a year but not now.

I just want to be happy again...

 

I am supposed to see him tomorrow after being apart for 3 weeks. I guess there is no point. What will I gain by doing this? We will spend 6 hours

together and the whole time I will be thinking about when he has to leave me. I don't want to live this way anymore. It's too much.

[4321sn]

Today I hit a new all time low. I was taking a shower and I dropped to the floor and cried in a ball.

[TigerCub]

(((4321)))

I'm so sorry for your pain sweetie

 

It is hard to love someone that can't be there with you.

But as you said it, his life is a mess and you're just prolonging your own agony the more you hold on.

 

Its scary to think of leaving someone we have an emotional tie to. But on that same line of thinking, that explains why he can't leave his family either, especially when his daughter is going through such a terrible time.

 

I think that you're on the right track with your thinking, that you're just making yourself miserable by holding on.

And as scary and hurtful it is to end it with him, you need to just let go.

 

It will hurt a lot, but it will get better with time. And maybe in time, his life will be less of a mess, and if you 2 are meant to be, it will happen.

 

I never used to believe in "meant to be" before, but I've come to realize that sometimes as much as it hurts, you need to let go and leave things up to fate - for your own sanity at least.

 

I wish you the best, and I truly hope that you find some comfort and strength during such a dark time in your life.

 

It will get better, but you have to look out for your own health - emotional, physical and mental.

[4321sn]

"It will hurt a lot, but it will get better with time. And maybe in time, his life will be less of a mess, and if you 2 are meant to be, it will happen.

 

I never used to believe in "meant to be" before, but I've come to realize that sometimes as much as it hurts, you need to let go and leave things up to fate - for your own sanity at least."

 

that is exactly what my best friend said yesterday. Thank you for your kind words. I hope that being honest with myself and then posting here will give me strength...

[Lauriebell82]

Get that strength to leave!!!! You are so close!

 

Use this as motivation:

He completely manipulated you by telling that his daugther was "bad again." He is giving you yet ANOTHER excuse for why he "can't leave." Playing on your sympathy is pretty low. You seem like a very empathetic person, and he is just playing you.

 

I have been through some rough break ups and I have to say that it DOES get better with time. Yes, it hurts a lot at first, BUT it gets better and you will be free to meet and fall in love with someone who is a good person, who is not married, and who is 100% able and willing to be committed to a life with you.

 

Don't settle for this loser, you can do so much better!!!!

[MorningCoffee]

Today I hit a new all time low. I was taking a shower and I dropped to the floor and cried in a ball.

 

So sorry for the agony you are experiencing.

 

When things get this difficult, it is not only an incredibly painful event, but also a wake-up call. Your reaction is telling you that the stresses you are under are literally taking you down.

 

I get that the guy you love is having a tough, tough time, but really . . . anyone who loves you doesn't want you curling up in a ball crying, either. Love is a lot of things, but it isn't that.

 

As others have said, you must take care of you. Self-care. Name of the game. Keep posting.

 

Best wishes.

[fooled once]

The more Im reading the more I realize that I need to get myself out of this. I feel like I have an illness. It's been so long since I've actually felt good about the A. Well I NEVER felt good about the A...idk I thought of it as a relationship. But it wasn't.

 

Why I am so scared to leave when it is only making me miserable?

 

Today he texted that his teenaged daughter who tried to comit suicide in May was not doing well. Some girls at school were talking about her and she had a breakdown. He had to leave work and take her to her therapist.

 

This man has so much sh*t going on right now. He can't leave...

Finances are a mess...(really really bad), daughter is in a fragile state and work is crazy and will be for the next month. He's working 80 hours a week. So where do I fit in? Somewhere if there is left over time from work, his children, marriage counceling, fighting with his W and sleeping. He is in a terrible state of mind and was crying on the phone with me yesterday.

 

I need to face the reality that although he loves me it is just not possible at

this moment. Maybe in 6 months maybe a year but not now.

I just want to be happy again...

 

I am supposed to see him tomorrow after being apart for 3 weeks. I guess there is no point. What will I gain by doing this? We will spend 6 hours

together and the whole time I will be thinking about when he has to leave me. I don't want to live this way anymore. It's too much.

 

Please take care of YOU! ((hugs))

 

It shouldn't hurt like this (love that is).

 

Who knows what the future holds, but for NOW, he is married and staying that way for whatever reason.

 

Maybe he does care about you.

 

But you need to care about you more. You need to take care of you and stop waiting for someone who has other priorities right now. He should be focused on his daughter and her issues. He shouldn't have to worry about seeing you and making time for you. He has higher priorities and you - YOU - should not have to wait for someone. You are putting YOUR life on hold. Do not do that. You do not now what tomorrow will bring -- life could change dramatically and you cannot count on him to be there for you.

 

So be there for yourself and be good to YOURSELF. ((hugs))

[endlessness]

My xMM was guilting me into staying by stressing that I was his salvation in a time of utter chaos and pain. He begged me not to leave early in our A. How could I say 'no' to a man who was on his knees? Within four months I was dragged into his deep black hole just so he could have a friend to share his misery. And when he finally climbed out of it, he left me in there to rot. I just hope that the same won't happen to you, if you decide to stick by him. I failed myself first and foremost because I pushed aside my own feelings, dreams and desires and made his happiness my priority. So, please, fully acknowledge what this is doing to you and start taking care of yourself, because this man is clearly not doing that for you. Explain to him exactly what you are going through. I understand that this is a vulnerable time for him now, but if he truly cares for you, he will recognize what this A is doing to you, accept that he cannot give you more and let you go. And if he doesn't, then he is just as selfish as the majority of them.

 

You have all the tools right in front of you to pull yourself out of this. Please take the necessary step and make yourself a priority in your life. I think you owe it to yourself at this time.

[4321sn]

All of your words are helping me. They are giving me momentum to do this.

 

I want to share a bit of what he tells me so you know what I am dealing with. Is he someone who truly cares for me and feels badly and wants to change? Or is he saying "yes, I suck bur I admit it so it's okay"?

 

Anyway please tell me what you think...

 

"I cannot know fully how I hurt you, but I do know how I have along the way, and the amount that you have endured because I have not come through on promises and things that mattered so significantly to you... I know this and it weighs on me greatly... I love you and I am guilty of failing you, not just once, but numerous times.

 

* I have always tried to be honest with you, but I know I have failed here too. My intentions have always been to try to tell you what I know and feel, though I know I have often seemed ambiguous and unclear. This I know has been frustrating and hurtful... I am certain this has fueled much if your anger at me.

 

I know you are anxious. I do not blame you. You have a right to be. I love you.... This should never be questioned... Despite all my mistakes and failures... You should never doubt my significant love for you. I do so very

much. I know this is hard when my silence has been an issue.

 

* I love you... This does not fix things, but I need to keep reminding you of the importance of these three words... These words DO matter... They have meaning... I hope to show you that they do...*

I love you. This, I hope, still matters... Though I know its limitations... I have work to do."

 

When I first read this it meant something. Now all I see is blah blah blah...*

[inthagong]

I just broke up with a married guy...sorry to break it toy ou but he wont leave his wife and family for you, any time soon at least... unless you are strong enough to be second best, because at the moment that is all you are, is second best....then leave.... because you will only shed more tears, get more confused...and worry more.... trust me.

 

There are plenty of fish in the see and one day you will meet someone who isnt married or attached.... stay strong okay and think about your future...

[endlessness]

When I first read this it meant something. Now all I see is blah blah blah...*

 

I'm sorry, but that's all I see too.

Actions, not words. That's all that matters.

 

I too have received heartwrenching crap like that on a consistent basis. Though I still have it saved somewhere, I have no interest in revisiting any of his love letters, because they were empty. They were never supported by actions. I man who truly loves you will never be okay with causing you pain.

 

This is simply a case of emotional blackmail.

Start living for you.

[TigerCub]

 

When I first read this it meant something. Now all I see is blah blah blah...*

You're right to think that.

Look, he may care about you and even love you in his own way, but he's not giving you anything more than just words.

He's causing you to be miserable, and frankly, the way he's talking is cruel because he's just trying to manipulate you into sticking around, into putting YOUR life on hold just so he can have his illusion of an escape.

That's not real love.

 

I completely agree with what endlessness said to you above. The words don't matter, they are empty if they are not backed up by actions.

 

Take care of yourself sweetie and don't allow him to manipulate you and guilt you into wasting your life.

 

He made his bed - he can be miserable in it - its all about choice!

[newpriorities]

All of your words are helping me. They are giving me momentum to do this.

 

I want to share a bit of what he tells me so you know what I am dealing with. Is he someone who truly cares for me and feels badly and wants to change? Or is he saying "yes, I suck bur I admit it so it's okay"?

 

Anyway please tell me what you think...

 

"I cannot know fully how I hurt you, but I do know how I have along the way, and the amount that you have endured because I have not come through on promises and things that mattered so significantly to you... I know this and it weighs on me greatly... I love you and I am guilty of failing you, not just once, but numerous times.

 

* I have always tried to be honest with you, but I know I have failed here too. My intentions have always been to try to tell you what I know and feel, though I know I have often seemed ambiguous and unclear. This I know has been frustrating and hurtful... I am certain this has fueled much if your anger at me.

 

I know you are anxious. I do not blame you. You have a right to be. I love you.... This should never be questioned... Despite all my mistakes and failures... You should never doubt my significant love for you. I do so very

much. I know this is hard when my silence has been an issue.

 

* I love you... This does not fix things, but I need to keep reminding you of the importance of these three words... These words DO matter... They have meaning... I hope to show you that they do...*

I love you. This, I hope, still matters... Though I know its limitations... I have work to do."

 

When I first read this it meant something. Now all I see is blah blah blah...*

 

I am so sorry you are hurting so terribly. I want to second (third!) what others have said about actions. He may truly believe all that he is saying, he may truly, truly love you, BUT, the bottom line is that the actions are killing you, deeply wounding you and as others have said, that is not love. If he truly, truly loves you, he needs to let you go and if he can't/won't then you need to gather yourself up, look in the mirror and tell yourself over and over again that you are worth so much more! Say it until you're exhausted from saying it! Wash your face, dry it off, step out into the sun and live--it's a beautiful world out there, really! Hang in there!

[KikiW]

I agree with the others... He IS in a lot of turmoil right now, having an unstable child is gutwrenching when you just want to make it all better for them and all you can do is try and support them. The problem is that he sees you as a lifeline, and he's using you as a support.

 

That is not fair. You are being used as a buttress (ha what a stupid word, but it describes exactly what your role is, google images of them if you don't know what they are) - you are a support beam on the OUTSIDE of his life. He needs you, because he feels like he doesn't have enough help, but what he really needs is a professional to do that. You are being put through an emotional wringer. You will get nothing positive out of this, and a whole lot more drama and sorrow.

[4321sn]

I agree with all that has been said. Thank you all for taking the time to write out your responses. They help me a great deal.

 

Today I saw him. It was a bad day but helped clarify where I need to go from here. He cannot be there for me the way that I need him to.

 

I was so angry with him because this A is ALL about him and his needs and never about me. I cried...he wiped my tears away.

I told him I used to think it was sweet when he would hold my face and wipe my tears away. Now I just want someone who will not make me cry in the first place.

 

I talked about all if the times he disappointed me. All the times he failed to come through. I told he that his I love yous meant nothing. He cried and cried...so hard but I didn't feel sorry for him. I said that I don't think he is a terrible person but that he has don't some sh#ty things to me.

 

I told him that I don't believe a word he says and that I really wanted to confront his W...I won't...but I would like to compaired notes. He said that I would destroy his children. I said don't put that on me. You cheated on their mother not me. I bear responsibility for what I have done to my family, you need to take responsibility for yours.

 

He is suffering-I know this. I need to take care of myself-he can't give me what I need...

 

I want to be happy again. I want to laugh and feel again. I have been numb...

[TigerCub]

I agree with all that has been said. Thank you all for taking the time to write out your responses. They help me a great deal.

 

Today I saw him. It was a bad day but helped clarify where I need to go from here. He cannot be there for me the way that I need him to.

 

I was so angry with him because this A is ALL about him and his needs and never about me. I cried...he wiped my tears away.

I told him I used to think it was sweet when he would hold my face and wipe my tears away. Now I just want someone who will not make me cry in the first place.

 

I talked about all if the times he disappointed me. All the times he failed to come through. I told he that his I love yous meant nothing. He cried and cried...so hard but I didn't feel sorry for him. I said that I don't think he is a terrible person but that he has don't some sh#ty things to me.

 

I told him that I don't believe a word he says and that I really wanted to confront his W...I won't...but I would like to compaired notes. He said that I would destroy his children. I said don't put that on me. You cheated on their mother not me. I bear responsibility for what I have done to my family, you need to take responsibility for yours.

 

He is suffering-I know this. I need to take care of myself-he can't give me what I need...

 

I want to be happy again. I want to laugh and feel again. I have been numb...

The bolded part is so f'n typical of them - its always someone else's fault. Good for you for what you said back to him.

UGH!!

 

Anyways sweetie, I want you to be happy again. I know what its like to be numb - frankly I loved being numb in comparison to feeling pain - but both those things are just terrible states to be in.

 

Lets aim for happiness, we'll get there

 

Good luck to you

[Lauriebell82]

 

I told him that I don't believe a word he says and that I really wanted to confront his W...I won't...but I would like to compaired notes. He said that I would destroy his children. I said don't put that on me. You cheated on their mother not me. I bear responsibility for what I have done to my family, you need to take responsibility for yours.

 

 

YAY!!! Good for you! Nice guilt trip he laid on you..man what a loser. Do NOT go back to this guy. Stay strong! If you need support come on here, do not rely on him. His "tears" don't mean jack either. He is just playing on your sympathies.

 

He is not "suffering" it's just all a game to him. After all, he has a wife and family to go home to, he has no right to be crying at all. Keep that in mind when he begs you to stick around.

 

Stay strong!!!

[4321sn]

Thank you...

I must sound pathetic...I hope I am not draining you.

 

I am so mad at him. I would love to talk to his W to compair notes. Maybe it's all been lies.

 

I need to start NC again today...

Do I have to tell him or do I just ignore him?

[KikiW]

You don't owe him anything. Just do it. Change your number, or at least block his numbers from coming through.

 

And yeah, telling you that YOU would destroy his children... priceless. You were right to call him on it, good job.

 

Would calling his wife help you, really? Or is it just a curiosity at this point? On the off chance that he was telling the truth about his daughter, you contacting her might not be a very wise thing right now. Assume he's lied about pretty much everything and wipe your hands clean, start fresh, take care of yourself and clean out the corners of your heart so you can be ready to meet the right person.

[newpriorities]

You don't owe him anything. Just do it. Change your number, or at least block his numbers from coming through.

 

And yeah, telling you that YOU would destroy his children... priceless. You were right to call him on it, good job.

 

Would calling his wife help you, really? Or is it just a curiosity at this point? On the off chance that he was telling the truth about his daughter, you contacting her might not be a very wise thing right now. Assume he's lied about pretty much everything and wipe your hands clean, start fresh, take care of yourself and clean out the corners of your heart so you can be ready to meet the right person.

 

I would strongly urge you NOT to say anything to his wife. I went through this with my teenage son and if someone had told me this about my H during that time I would've literally lost my mind--the children need to come first in this situation. Yes, he put them in the position that they are in, but I don't think you should be involved.

I am so sorry this has been so difficult for you but it sure sounds like you took a good first step in taking care of yourself.

I agree, why bother telling him about NC. Just do it.The more conversations you have the more the drama will continue. Deleting my xMM from my cellphone was really scary (because I didn't ever memorize his number) and blocking him from my email was tough. I also went to my wireless carrier and blocked any incoming calls or texts from his number--again, scary. But after awhile, it was amazing how free I felt. Try it. Nothing is set in stone. He needs to get his sh--- together before this could be anything but a disaster for you. And you really need to live!

[fooled once]

All of your words are helping me. They are giving me momentum to do this.

 

I want to share a bit of what he tells me so you know what I am dealing with. Is he someone who truly cares for me and feels badly and wants to change? Or is he saying "yes, I suck bur I admit it so it's okay"?

 

Anyway please tell me what you think...

 

"I cannot know fully how I hurt you, but I do know how I have along the way, and the amount that you have endured because I have not come through on promises and things that mattered so significantly to you... I know this and it weighs on me greatly... I love you and I am guilty of failing you, not just once, but numerous times.

*Translation -- so sorry I have hurt you, but I luv you. And while I know I have hurt you, I keep doing it.

 

* I have always tried to be honest with you, but I know I have failed here too. My intentions have always been to try to tell you what I know and feel, though I know I have often seemed ambiguous and unclear. This I know has been frustrating and hurtful... I am certain this has fueled much if your anger at me.

 

*Translations -- yeah, I am guilty of lying. yep. But I luv you. I realize you want answers, yet I do my best to dance around those answers. And it probably makes you mad....but what was the question again so I can dance around it? Oh yeah, I luv you.

 

I know you are anxious. I do not blame you. You have a right to be. I love you.... This should never be questioned... Despite all my mistakes and failures... You should never doubt my significant love for you. I do so very

much. I know this is hard when my silence has been an issue.

 

*Translation -- I really luv you, but I lie to you, I hurt you and I dance around your questions. But you know this and you accept me for it. Did I tell you I luv you?

 

* I love you... This does not fix things, but I need to keep reminding you of the importance of these three words... These words DO matter... They have meaning... I hope to show you that they do...*

I love you. This, I hope, still matters... Though I know its limitations... I have work to do."

 

*Translation -- will you keep being my mistress? I like it so much and I can do and say whatever I want and you keep hanging on. Did I tell you I luv you? And since I luv you, that must mean something, right? So let me keep lying, dancing and hurting...

 

OHHHH ... and I am just so messed up. Isn't that playing on your sympathies at all?

 

When I first read this it meant something. Now all I see is blah blah blah...*

 

I agree with all that has been said. Thank you all for taking the time to write out your responses. They help me a great deal.

 

Today I saw him. It was a bad day but helped clarify where I need to go from here. He cannot be there for me the way that I need him to.

 

I was so angry with him because this A is ALL about him and his needs and never about me. I cried...he wiped my tears away.

I told him I used to think it was sweet when he would hold my face and wipe my tears away. Now I just want someone who will not make me cry in the first place.

 

I talked about all if the times he disappointed me. All the times he failed to come through. I told he that his I love yous meant nothing. He cried and cried...so hard but I didn't feel sorry for him. I said that I don't think he is a terrible person but that he has don't some sh#ty things to me.

 

I told him that I don't believe a word he says and that I really wanted to confront his W...I won't...but I would like to compaired notes. He said that I would destroy his children. I said don't put that on me. You cheated on their mother not me. I bear responsibility for what I have done to my family, you need to take responsibility for yours.

 

He is suffering-I know this. I need to take care of myself-he can't give me what I need...

 

I want to be happy again. I want to laugh and feel again. I have been numb...

 

Suffering? How? Because his mistress is pulling the plug? Because he is going to lose his fantasy sex partner? He isn't suffering because of the lies or the hurting he has done to you - because if he was, he would push you away to NOT CAUSE any more hurt or tears FOR YOU. Instead, he slightly threatens you by telling you that YOU would destroy his family by telling about the affair. Nice guy No ownership at all of what he has done!

 

I know you are hurting, and staying in the affair is going to cause you more hurt.

 

Be done with him. No, you don't have to tell him because this final conversation should have SHOWN him that you are done.

 

Good luck and stay strong!

[myname]

I agree, I don't think you have to tell him, but if in doing it that way you're going to feel bad and that would make things worse for you (which is what I felt even though me and MM had had a weekend of discussing it all, and a morning of me in tears saying I couldn't stand it anymore, pretty obvious where it was going) then you could just take his next phone call and tell him calmly what you've decided with no discussion of it, just as a fact of how it now is going to have to be.

 

At least that way you won't be feeling any guilt (even though you have no reason to, the brain can play funny tricks on us especially in these moments when we're confused and hurt) and will know you've been straightforward and not played games and can go forward from there.

 

All the best. x

[spice4life]

I agree with all that has been said. Thank you all for taking the time to write out your responses. They help me a great deal.

 

Today I saw him. It was a bad day but helped clarify where I need to go from here. He cannot be there for me the way that I need him to.

 

I was so angry with him because this A is ALL about him and his needs and never about me. I cried...he wiped my tears away.

I told him I used to think it was sweet when he would hold my face and wipe my tears away. Now I just want someone who will not make me cry in the first place.

 

I talked about all if the times he disappointed me. All the times he failed to come through. I told he that his I love yous meant nothing. He cried and cried...so hard but I didn't feel sorry for him. I said that I don't think he is a terrible person but that he has don't some sh#ty things to me.

 

I told him that I don't believe a word he says and that I really wanted to confront his W...I won't...but I would like to compaired notes. He said that I would destroy his children. I said don't put that on me. You cheated on their mother not me. I bear responsibility for what I have done to my family, you need to take responsibility for yours.

 

He is suffering-I know this. I need to take care of myself-he can't give me what I need...

 

I want to be happy again. I want to laugh and feel again. I have been numb...

 

Good for you that you are beginning to see this guy's dysfunction for what it really is - complete and utter dysfunction. Who knows, his daughter may be having issues because of what is happening in that house and his contribution to it. Is that something you really want inherit? Take look at how he has you feeling - someone who is curling up in a ball and crying. And he wipes the tears off oyur face?! The way it reads, (and correct me if I'm wrong) is that he actually gets off on that?! Has he ever stopped to think that he may be the major cause of the depression that is happening around him? Not trying to sound cruel but has he ever asked himself that question? (That's a retorical question no need to answer)

 

I'm not saying any of this to be harsh in any way, I'm just trying to say that you deserve so much more than some guy who is making you feel this bad. By ending it with him you are taking control back of your life. Good for you! If you stayed with him he is only going to cause you more heartache which will lead to serious depression. And you never know, this may be what life is like with him if he was free. It almost sounds like this the only he knows how to function. This is strictly an objective opinion based on what you have been writing.

 

Be glad you are out. Now you can bring laughter and happiness back into life and that is the way it should be. Keep up the good work - you are almost there!

 

Who cares about his silence, his ambiguity and everything else that is a part of him. That's his problem not yours. If you stick around he will continue to project all of his turmoil onto you. Think about it, he is having problems and you are the one feeling like crap and crying.

Edited November 16, 2010 by spice4life

[endlessness]

I cried...he wiped my tears away.

 

My xMM would kiss my tears, saying, "They are now mine." Today I think, "You're right, they are yours and always were."

 

I am glad that you took the first step. Don't feel the need to explain anything. He knows exactly what is happening and why. And please don't hold on to this urge to explain as an excuse to reestablish contact in the near future like I did. Like you, I really wanted to compare notes with the W after I ended it. That desire quickly transitioned into a full-blown obsession (worse than when we were actually still seeing each other!). Please don't go down the same road because it's not going to be pretty.The healing process will be incredibly difficult, but stick to NC no matter what, otherwise all this progress you're already making will go down the drain in a split second.

[myname]

My xMM would kiss my tears, saying, "They are now mine." Today I think, "You're right, they are yours and always were."

 

I am glad that you took the first step. Don't feel the need to explain anything. He knows exactly what is happening and why. And please don't hold on to this urge to explain as an excuse to reestablish contact in the near future like I did. Like you, I really wanted to compare notes with the W after I ended it. That desire quickly transitioned into a full-blown obsession (worse than when we were actually still seeing each other!). Please don't go down the same road because it's not going to be pretty.The healing process will be incredibly difficult, but stick to NC no matter what, otherwise all this progress you're already making will go down the drain in a split second.

 

I've had that urge too, to find out what their marriage is really like, to find out the truth and to know what he was saying about me. Probably I wouldn't find any comfort in any of it, and I sure don't want to bring myself anymore pain right now. Just about handling what I've already got.