Fermentum Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 First off I want to thank everyone in this forum. I’ve been lurking for about 10 days now, and it has really helped me put everything into perspective. McGrupp’s list has be invaluable. This is my story in brief; I figured writing it down would be best for me, and if people can take something from it or give me something back that would be wonderful. After re-reading it now....it has put things into perspective. I met J when we were both 19 and similar majors at University. A bit of context: she was a bookish Toronto private school girl (some will know the type) that became more open and more social as time went on. We got to known each other throughout the end of the spring semester, until a Shakespeare themed party she threw culminated in a three day stay at her place. We separated for the summer, and picked things up that fall when we back in school. We’ve always had amazing physical and intellectual chemistry, but at the time I wasn’t ready for a commitment. I would put off “the talk” until after the winter break, over which she slept with an Ex (I only found out through snooping, bad I know, but we weren’t committed, so c’est la vie) and I found out I did truly want her. She returned to break it off with me. I don’t blame her for this, I wasn’t being the boyfriend she wanted. I promised things would be different, asked her to take me back and she did. And the next four months were bliss. Helping each other procrastinate, staying bed all day watching movies, talking and being intimate. I fell deep and fell hard. Until the summer came. We decided to stay together until....two months in she talked about opening the relationship up. I knew the ex was back in the picture. I stupidly agreed, or at least I think I did. I was doing a lot of drugs to deal with a toxic family situation, which only exacerbated the situation. I had no prospects, chances to date, jobless and living at home, while she was living it up and partying. I moved out and back to the city I went to school in, and started dating and getting my mind and life in order. She came back that fall, and wanted to meet. And it started again. Casual dating at first, until we went to a party and I hit it off with a girl. Then she ended it, before telling me she wanted to give it an honest go. As usual...I agreed. At Thanksgiving we went to her cottage, and she took me out onto her lake and told me that she loved me. And so it was for the next three wonderful years. It took me a while to trust her again, I had believed she changed for the better. We moved in together the next year. She stayed in town after graduated to live we me and took a job that wasn’t really related to her field to do it. And it was wonderful. So wonderful for so long. We were the couple everyone was envious of. Until I applied to Grad School. We had been getting a little complacent. Bigger. Fatter. Not taking the time to renew the relationship. And not communicating. Never REALLY communicating. So things became routine. Sometime boring. I got into a Grad program I had worked my butt off for...but it was in another city. And we had talked about long distance, and agreed at the time it was something neither of us wanted. And we weren’t ready to make the lifetime commitment that would entail. So I began to try and emotionally withdraw from the relationship. Not telling her how pretty she looked as much as she insisted. Picking fights over small things. Looking back, I think I was scared. Scared of losing her, scared/excited about being young and single in a new city. Scared of the huge upset to my life and perspective that was coming. So I didn’t think about it and didn’t think about it. I was working a ****ty job for the summer, I couldn’t wait for it to end. Then it came time for me to leave...and it was the hardest thing I have ever done on the worst day of my life. I drove down the 401 sobbing the entire way, moved my things into Residence and dropped off the car to come home. It was days before I felt better. I joined two online dating websites within days, to try and get my mind off her.The adjustment to everything was huge the first month. New school. New program. New level of work. New friends. New everything. And lonely, very lonely. I dated a lot that first month, trying to get past her and over her. Went on a lot of days, a few panned out but not many. One I was really into, but then she dropped off the face of the earth. Then I saw J Thanksgiving weekend. We met for a drink that night. And I was fine. Didn’t really feel anything. I felt satisfied in that. But the next day we met for breakfast...and spent the day and the night together. Everything it all came rushing back. The chemistry. The conversation. The wall-climbing sex. The love. It was an escape. A wonderful, beautiful escape. And a mistake. She wanted to keep in touch while we dated other people. Maybe sleep together if we were in the same city. But I knew that the minute this arrangement stopped it would be horrible beyond thought. That keeping that line open would make it hurt ten times more when it When she left I was back to square one. But we had discussed me going to visit her city for her annual Halloween party. Over the subsequent weeks, we chatted on FB, skyped, talked. I was still dating other people, but this became the focus. I went to the city...and it was a huge mistake. Too soon. The emotion was still there. We met for a drink, and she told me first off that she’s starting to see a woman. Wanted to explore her bisexuality. Which was an utter shock. Not a good start to the weekend. The next day I tried hanging out with her and two friends of hers we used to double date with, but it was too hard. I didn’t go to her party, we met on the Sunday instead for a final coffee before going NC. And that was even worse. Both of us crying. Not wanting to say goodbye. I got back to town and finished my work for the week. Barely. But I began to think that we had made a mistake. Maybe it was worth fighting for. Because if the love was still there, maybe it was worth the fighting through. So I called her. Talked to her about it. And she said now. That she wasn’t done. She didn’t know who she was. She wanted to be single. That it was her time to experiment and find out who she is before marrying at 30. And that she still wanted to have my babies. And she will probably ending up being a boring housewife who squandered her intellectual gifts in her 50s...but who could tell of the time when she fulfilled that WASPy fantasy of dating a woman and sleeping with a *gasp* African-Canadian! But I’m a little bitter. I said then that’s it. We’re done. Time for NC. And I made the mistake of not blocking her on FB (it ALWAYS comes back to FB on here). And the next two weeks have been the hardest. I’m always thinking about her. Bitter, a bit, but we had broken up and I’m dating someone new. Until yesterday. I blew it on a big date with someone, and then came home to find her Profile photo had changed to her and the lesbian. And my night was ruined. Sobbed my heart out, went out for a run, which made it marginally better. So I blocked her (should have done that from the beginning) and de-tagged all our photos. I’m on day 12 of NC. And it’s getting better. I saw my new girl today, she came over and we were intimate. Watched some Blackadder and the Office as a study break. But I’m still thinking about J. All the time. And the new girl is nice...but I don’t think I can be the boyfriend she needs. And that’s my story. Strange to type it all out. The last two months have almost been as painful as the three years were wonderful. I’m still bitter about the profile photo, only because we had talked about FB protocol, and I would not do the same in her place. I’m remembering the good times, the many good times, but also how selfish and callow she could be. And is being now. But I still love her. And want her back. And I suppose I will for a long while. The breakup was primarily because of ****ty circumstance, but I think she wouldn’t have wanted to continue regardless. So that’s that. She has a lot of growing up to do to become independent. I just hope she knows that. There were a lot of ups and downs in our relationship. Part of it being young. Part of it was being stupid. Part of it was not communicating. Not making her feel wanted and loved enough for her standards, although I did it in my only private way. Part of it...I don’t know. We had talked about the future. About when we were both done with Grad and Professional School...and if we were living in the same city...maybe. Maybe maybe maybe. But I know people change. Things often don’t work out that way. So banishing hope and finding someone who does want to be with me is what I’m focusing on now. And myself. I’ve taken up Muay Thai. I’m losing the weight. Reading more. Doing very well in my classes. Going to get that family crest tattoo I’ve always talked about. Meditating again. Maybe I’ll start painting too. I’m turning 25 in five months. And I know it’s time to grow up. Time for me to focus on myself. Time to heal. Thanks for reading. :-) You’ll probably be seeing me around a lot more.
january2010 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 A link to your latest thread To go from NC to LC?
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