artchick88 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 A couple days ago, my boyfriend who I've just met 3 months ago told me some things that I'm really having trouble dealing with. I'd first like to say, aside from his past, there are absolutely no issues with our relationship. I thought I was for sure in love with him until this issue surfaced a couple days ago: Like 5/6 years ago, he was dating a girl with whom he had a relationship that was mostly built around sex and convenience. (so he says) Toward he end of their relationship, his girlfriend and he engaged in a 3-sum with an 18 year old Swedish girl who was visiting the US (He was probably 25ish) Once she went back to Switzerland, and he moved away from his girlfriend, he pursued a relationship with the Swedish girl. He moved out to Switzerland and lived with her for a couple months. Then he moved back to the states and they would meet each other for travel occasionally for trips of a couple months and so forth. This relationship lasted about 3 years apparently. Also, he admittedly cheated on her while they were apart. As to the seriousness of their relationship, I'm still not sure. Now, the girl has moved to the states and lives here now and apparently they havent been "together" for about a year and a half but apparently he slept with her once this summer when he was helping her move. I feel disgusted by this whole story. I can't image pursuing a serious relationship with someone I met through a 3-sum. I want to be thankful that he was honest and remember how good he has been to me and how I felt before I learned this information, but it is so hard to get this out of my head. I feel like he is disgusting. I don't want to be upset about this. I want to move on. He says that he was not the same then as he is now, and I believe it, but I don't know if I want to be involved with someone who acted that way EVER. For the time being, I have decided to avoid him a bit and brush him off until I can figure out how I feel. I don't want him to regret being honest, but I don't want to overlook something that may indicate a huge character flaw. Is it possible that he is a different man now? Or should I base my feelings on things he did before I knew him? Thoughts/ and or opinions? Thank you.
Eternity001 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I'm a bit confused, what is your major issue with his past here? Is it the cheating? or the fact that he pursued someone he had a 3-sum with? Are you worried he's flakey and will leave at a moments notice or are you just disgusted at the whole concept of what he says he's done? Personally I avoid judging people on what they did prior to me. It has no real impact on me and to me that's the bottom line. I think unless they have cheated repeatedly then what people do before me is their business. Delving into people's pasts can be risky, some people think it's a good idea to find out what they might get from a person whereas others find out things that don't really affect them but they don't like the idea of, such as this case.
Eeyore79 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I would be put off someone who'd had a threesome; I'd dump him straight away, because I don't want a guy who totally separates sex from love.
sedgwick Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I've had threesomes. (Though no "3-sums." Is that like some crazy modern-day internet spelling?) They were part of growing up and discovering sex and figuring out who I was. Does that mean I should never be dated again and all my partners should be skeeved out? (Not that I'll ever have another partner again; this is theoretical.) Moral of the story: I don't see why it's a big deal in the slightest. He's with you now. Who cares who he slept with in the past? Consider yourself lucky to have an adventurous lover!
Mad Max Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I would be put off someone who'd had a threesome; I'd dump him straight away, because I don't want a guy who totally separates sex from love. But when it comes to a woman's sexual past, it's in the past.
Author artchick88 Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 I've had threesomes. (Though no "3-sums." Is that like some crazy modern-day internet spelling?) They were part of growing up and discovering sex and figuring out who I was. Does that mean I should never be dated again and all my partners should be skeeved out? (Not that I'll ever have another partner again; this is theoretical.) Moral of the story: I don't see why it's a big deal in the slightest. He's with you now. Who cares who he slept with in the past? Consider yourself lucky to have an adventurous lover! Hey, I wanted to thank you for your response. I really love this man. I just feel so upset about the whole thing. If you don't mind I'd like to talk to you about it more. I feel like the serious feelings he has for me are belittled by the fact that he was once so serious with someone who is nothing like me. I enjoy sex and I'm glad he's adventerous, but I would never have a threesome (i didnt know how to write it! haha) with a guy I was dating and then some new guy and then think I should follow this new fellow to another country.. unless there was something absolutely amazing about him and from what my ex tells me he didn't even know this girl at all before she left the country, so it leaves me thinking that his strong feelings for her were based on sex and sex alone, which I really don't like. And its not that I don't like it because I think that makes him gross. I don't like it because that is not similar to how I feel about things at all. Can you give me some more advice or point of view so that I can please please get over this?
Eeyore79 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 But when it comes to a woman's sexual past, it's in the past. A guy is entitled to have the same feelings about a woman's past as I have about a man's past. It seems totally acceptable for me to reject someone if I feel we're incompatible because their opinions about sex are so different to mine.
Mad Max Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 A guy is entitled to have the same feelings about a woman's past as I have about a man's past. It seems totally acceptable for me to reject someone if I feel we're incompatible because their opinions about sex are so different to mine. I'm not putting down your opinion, but the general consensus is that we men are not allowed to judge a woman's sexual past, otherwise we are insecure.
112233 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Thoughts/ and or opinions? Thank you. Wondering if you can explain why a Swedish girl was in Switzerland? Was she going to school or on a prolonged vacation? Maybe he was just vacationing with her? Touring Europe before she and he went to their respective homes?
Author artchick88 Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 Wondering if you can explain why a Swedish girl was in Switzerland? Was she going to school or on a prolonged vacation? Maybe he was just vacationing with her? Touring Europe before she and he went to their respective homes? yes she was studing there, but they did some month long trips together after he left switzerland. Their relationship involved meeting up in different countries to travel and be together.
cerridwen Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Artchick, I get where you're coming from. It's about feeling like your sexual morals are aligned--or at least similar enough not be creept out by the other person. I dated a guy who was sexually adventurous past the point I was comfortable. He told me some things he had done in his past (threesome, homosexual exploration) and I thought it was indeed in his past. Turns out he wasn't done with it completely and it morphed into unacceptable online activity. Bottom line: It wasn't for me. Maybe for someone else but not me. It doesn't mean you're uptight. It doesn't mean you're wrong. It means we have to find someone who we respect and are comfortable with and that will vary person to person. It sounds like you two aren't a match in this regard.
sedgwick Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I don't like it because that is not similar to how I feel about things at all. Well, there's your issue. You have to accept that different people have different life experience! I see nothing whatsoever wrong with any kind of sexual experimentation as long as it's between consenting adults. Threesomes are pretty common, actually! I probably know more people who *have* tried them than people who haven't!
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