Ask her out as soon as possible or give things time to grow?

[D-Jam]

OK...my friend met some girl online (dating site) a week ago. He emailed her, and she got back, then things progressed where they had a few lengthy chat sessions over the dating site's IM system, then it progressed to Yahoo IM. She brought that up and willingly gave him her screen name.

 

Things went better, including positive stuff from her (like saying she found him attractive and liked his smile). They exchanged phone numbers and even had a nice hour-long conversation on the weekend. So far so good.

 

Today, she had a job interview (she recently moved to his town from NY) and when she got back she hopped on Yahoo IM. They chatted a little, he asked her how the interview went and she said it went well.

 

Then he tossed out there about meeting up this week...and she went silent.

 

 

NOW THEN...In my eyes I think she might have found him attractive, but just wasn't ready yet. It's like women I've met in my past where I've literally been talking to them for weeks or even months before the idea of getting together happens. Most of the reason is I can see they're "eh", but over time and just being friendly with no push for anything, they found me attractive and wanted more.

 

I told him if it were me, I'd just keep things at conversation for another week and then ask her out. I feel that she would need time to get comfortable with a guy and get to know him before she would agree to meet. She is from NY and in a new town after all.

 

HE THINKS that is a crock and felt his timing was fine, and that if he waited longer he probably would end up friendzoned.

 

 

 

So what do you all think?

 

Especially women...do you need time to get to know someone just in internet and phone chat before even fathoming getting together? Or is it more decided early on and thus you know if you would date a guy from one or two conversations?

[Tim The Enchanter]

I totally agree with your friend. There was absolutely nothing wrong with his timing, by the sounds of it. She either wasn't that interested in him and simply chatted to him because she was bored, or she simply flaked out because she's not taking OLD seriously.

 

I should add that if any woman that you've met on a dating site gets anxious because you've asked her out, she's a drama queen and not worth wasting any time over. If people are intimidated by the concept of internet dating, they should simply steer clear of it.

Edited November 15, 2010 by Tim The Enchanter

[irc333]

Actually, I'm noticing a big trend in people chickening out before meeting, they enjoy the chat, emails, banter, even up to the phone.

 

 

Then get cold feet or maybe they enjoy the "thrill of the chase" and go nowhere beyond to meeting.

 

I know a woman that had this done to her, apparently she had a date set for a guy to meet, he asked her out.

 

She was getting her nails done, and a couple of hours BEFORE meeting, he texts her to cancel said, "something came up"

 

She signs back onto the dating site, and sees him as "signed online now" and she was livid. (Yes, he would rather be on a dating site on a Sat night, THAN on an ACTUAL date!! LOL!)

 

She delete her profile after that game.

 

 

I totally agree with your friend. There was absolutely nothing wrong with his timing, by the sounds of it. She either wasn't that interested in him and simply chatted to him because she was bored, or she simply flaked out because she's not taking OLD seriously.

 

I should add that if any woman that you've met on a dating site gets anxious because you've asked her out, she's a drama queen and not worth wasting any time over. If people are intimidated by the concept of internet dating, they should simply steer clear of it.

[D-Jam]

Well...she got back to him an hour after the silent treatment.

 

She sent him an email saying she just wants to be friends.

 

I got on his case for being nice and "accepting it", despite that he's irked.

 

I told him next time to simply and politely say "no thanks...I'm interested in DATING YOU, not being your bosom buddy."

 

 

 

And now that I've thought about it...his timing in asking her out was right, and I was wrong.

[mooninite]

It;'s online dating. Why dick around on chat?

 

Send a few decent quality messages back and forth (one or two per day?). Then straight up give your number, ask for hers, suggest some cool activities, and leave it at that.

 

When you get said number, call up, iron out the exact details of time and place, make some small talk but keep the convo to under 5 min. Hang up, and continue the rest in real life...

 

If your messages consist of one-liners, then yes it may need more time. But if they're a couple paragraphs each (except the initial message, keep that short, funny, meaningful to get her attention) anywhere after 3-5 exchanges move onto RL. What's the harm?

[D-Jam]

I think about a guy who never bothered with dating, and instead would spend what he called "money I would spend on dating" on getting a hot escort.

 

I quote him: "I get to bang a super-hot girl, and yet I don't have to take her out, meet her parents, deal with her drama, or even care about her problems."

 

 

I'm thankful I found my GF...because I think dating in general is a mess and I feel bad for all the actual good people who can't seem to get a break.

[D-Lish]

That's weird that the girl was totally accepting of all of the invitations to chit-chat, then didn't want to meet up. What's the point of online dating but to eventually meet?

 

I am a fan of maybe chatting for a week, then meeting up. I recently met a guy on pof, and after 4 or 5 exchanges I was really wanting him to ask me out. He did so after about a week and I was happy about that.

 

IMO, your friend did everything right. I don't know why someone would go through all of that and then suggest just being friends when he wanted to amp things up.

 

Perhaps she doesn't look anything like her pics? Every single guy I've met on POF has stories of meeting someone that doesn't look anything like their pics- it happens a lot.

 

I'd say something is fishy with her and your friend dodged a bullet.

[that girl]

Was she on one of those sites where you can meet friends in addition to potential partners? I think OK Cupid has this option.

 

I think the timing was fine, she was probably never interested.

[GivenUp0083]

Timing means nothing. I can't remember how many girls I've met who say things like "I don't want a boyfriend right now" or "I'm too busy, too many things in my life to date a guy" and then the very next week "meet my new boyfriend!"

 

If a girl has interest, she will help you, she will be flexible and she will try to make the dating process easier on you. If she doesn't have interest, you're going to have to jump through hoops, and she's going to disappear for significant amounts of time.

 

Just don't invest serious time, money, or emotional investment into a woman until she's shown any promise of potential dividends. It's best to check your emotions completely at the door when online dating. Until the point of 10+ dates she cannot possibly earn any value worthy of such an investment.

[irc333]

Yeah, I was in a situation very similar to this one....she responded to me in an initial email, very lenghty and well written. IN that email, (and I guess I ignored that part) she said that we seemed quite different in interests and hobbies and such, but she wrote me because she thought I was a sweetheart and she was a sucker for a great smile (and she said she said I was attractive)

 

So we're chatting back and forht through the website, and she goes "You have Yahoo IM? Here's my screen name lets chat there!"

 

She was wanting to avoid the bombarded of IM's through the dating site, and wanted to chat privately.

 

After that, I got her # and we talked on the phone for an hour, we did some flirting during this course nothing hardcore, but mild flirting.

 

She said on the phone, it confirmed it even more we didn't have anything in common interests. (since when does that matter to couples, right?)

 

After we talked on the phone, whenI saw her onlien the next day I IM'ed her and asked about meeting.

 

And she goes, "I wouldn't be opposed to meeting, but only meeting as friends if that's okay with you"

 

And I siad, "Im not sure I follow"

 

And she said, like I said in my initial email, I feel that we were different in some ways (in hobbies and interests) and she wasn't feeling a love connection.

 

And I said, "Well, you can't really tell much from that online, until you meet face to face"

 

She went silent for a while, then came back an hour later , said she had a phone call....and then said, "Well, if you have a problem just being friends, I'm okay with that"

 

And I think I was still trying to ask a few more questions about why she thougth there was no love connection, even though we haven't met...she wound up getting frustating having to explain it to me, and just said, "Goodbye" and signed off.

 

I told her that MY intentions was to go out on a date with her.

 

I wanted to tell her, I wasn't interested in buddies

 

But apparently she used her FIRSt email as an "out" she did a lot of back peddling, and whenI called her on it, she just got ticked off and signed off and ignored me.

 

 

 

 

Was she on one of those sites where you can meet friends in addition to potential partners? I think OK Cupid has this option.

 

I think the timing was fine, she was probably never interested.

[zengirl]

For the record, I don't think people "get" friendzoned. I think other things happen, such as they're simply an orbitor of some kind, and they never had a chance in the first place, but I don't think that waiting can put you in some "zone." (Now, you can miss a chance, as awesome girls sometimes aren't single for long, and there is a window, and also, we go through mood swings, too, especially if you're dealing with younger/less mature girls who don't know exactly what they want from a relationship yet.)

 

However, I don't think the girl wants to meet your friend or ever had any intention of doing so from that description. Sounds like she moved somewhere new, her life is tumultuous, and she just wanted some easy male attention; hence: Online. Perhaps if she got bored enough, on a whim, she'd meet him, and maybe there's a small percentage chance that that could turn into something surprisingly. . . but I'm not one to advice waiting around for perhaps. Just me.

 

She's looking for the easiest kind of orbitor there is; a chat-friend. It makes her feel pretty, she gets to talk to someone about the move/her interviews/life/etc, and she feels good. But she isn't into the idea of actually actively persuing it. Happens all the time.

[zengirl]

Yeah, I was in a situation very similar to this one....she responded to me in an initial email, very lenghty and well written. IN that email, (and I guess I ignored that part) she said that we seemed quite different in interests and hobbies and such, but she wrote me because she thought I was a sweetheart and she was a sucker for a great smile (and she said she said I was attractive)

 

So we're chatting back and forht through the website, and she goes "You have Yahoo IM? Here's my screen name lets chat there!"

 

She was wanting to avoid the bombarded of IM's through the dating site, and wanted to chat privately.

 

After that, I got her # and we talked on the phone for an hour, we did some flirting during this course nothing hardcore, but mild flirting.

 

She said on the phone, it confirmed it even more we didn't have anything in common interests. (since when does that matter to couples, right?)

 

After we talked on the phone, whenI saw her onlien the next day I IM'ed her and asked about meeting.

 

And she goes, "I wouldn't be opposed to meeting, but only meeting as friends if that's okay with you"

 

And I siad, "Im not sure I follow"

 

And she said, like I said in my initial email, I feel that we were different in some ways (in hobbies and interests) and she wasn't feeling a love connection.

 

And I said, "Well, you can't really tell much from that online, until you meet face to face"

 

She went silent for a while, then came back an hour later , said she had a phone call....and then said, "Well, if you have a problem just being friends, I'm okay with that"

 

And I think I was still trying to ask a few more questions about why she thougth there was no love connection, even though we haven't met...she wound up getting frustating having to explain it to me, and just said, "Goodbye" and signed off.

 

I told her that MY intentions was to go out on a date with her.

 

I wanted to tell her, I wasn't interested in buddies

 

But apparently she used her FIRSt email as an "out" she did a lot of back peddling, and whenI called her on it, she just got ticked off and signed off and ignored me.

 

I don't think this girl was solely looking for buddies or orbitors but seems to sincerely see a lack of compatibility. She maybe hoped she was wrong because she found you attractive but recognized it still and was actively trying not to lead you on.

 

It does matter a lot to me if someone has common interests if I'm dating them so your comment, "Since when does that matter to couples?" throws me off.

[irc333]

Yeah, it was weird because she said she found me attractive and said I had a great smile, I was convinced she had romantic intereset in me. Then her fallback plan was to tell me, "Well, don't remember where I said we were different in so many ways?"

 

And I go, 'Yeah, but I didn't think that mattered"

 

Because she should have done what every woman should have done was said, "I'm sorry, I don't think we'd make a good match....good luck to you"

 

And be done with it, rather than continue on, but she had just moved into the area, and had "nobody", even socially, so I guess she wanted to maintain good rapport with me.

 

I had a woman like this that liked the IDEA of me giving her "attention" when I found out THAT was her M.O., I cut contact....yes, she actually admitted to enjoying my attention.

 

It's some sort of substitute for a boyfriend, but platonically

 

(Never heard the term orbitor, that's a new one one me)

 

I only can be friends with women to a certain extent, but I don't have that mindset, ESP when on a DATING site.

 

What killed me was she said "True love is friendship on FIRE" which means she likes to start off as friends and hopefully moves onto something more...she's a "Friends first" kind of gal.

 

So I was confused there, and I thought we really clicked.

 

I don't think this girl was solely looking for buddies or orbitors but seems to sincerely see a lack of compatibility. She maybe hoped she was wrong because she found you attractive but recognized it still and was actively trying not to lead you on.

 

It does matter a lot to me if someone has common interests if I'm dating them so your comment, "Since when does that matter to couples?" throws me off.

[Oliveman]

I agree with Zengirl. If the woman has any sort of interest, waiting isn't going to make her think she'd rather just be friends. I actually don't believe in a friendzone at all. It's just a fall back people use to give themselves an out. The only problem is lack of attraction. If she's attracted to you, she'll pursue you. And if she's not, you can always work to change her perception of you.

 

I also don't understand everyone's aversion to meeting someone as friends. So she says she just wants to be friends and you have nothing in common or there's no chemistry or whatever. Where's the harm in meeting with no expectations and seeing what happens? Maybe in person there'll be a lot of chemistry and sparks will fly, or maybe there won't. Worst case you end up with a friend and expanding your social network. Maybe she's not a good match, but her best friend is. I can't really think of something bad that could come from having more female friends.

[irc333]

I actually don't believe in a friendzone at all. It's just a fall back people use to give themselves an out.

 

Right, and sadly I didn't learn this until WAY later in life that if someone says, "I just would rather be friends" and if it's coming from a woman (saying this to a man).

 

It REALLY means, "I don't want you in my life little or hardly at all"....yes EVEN as a friend. Because it's moot, because if an ATTEMPT is made, even MUTUALLY to be "friends", typically the woman gives the guy the 'ol heave ho once she's found someone, and usually it's at the request of the new boyfriend, and she has no problem siding iwth the new boyfriend.

 

Worst case you end up with a friend and expanding your social network. Maybe she's not a good match, but her best friend is. I can't really think of something bad that could come from having more female friends.

 

Very good point, men have attempted this...including myself...it works, but it's only works for a finite amount of time....sometimes sooner rather than later....

 

I saw very close friendship between a man and a woman end....she had a male friend, and I knew him pretty well, he told me once she started seeing someone seriously, she actually just stopped responding to his text/phone calls, and there were times in his life where he really NEEDED a friend, too....and she shunned him.

 

Very sad.

 

 

If this repeats multiple times, you can see why people have this aversion to friendships like this. And as one gets older, the aversion is more prominent.

 

With me, there was this one woman who was in a serious relationship with a guy, we kind of hung out as a group, I wasn't really close to her boyfriend, but everytime she saw me she seemed inordinately happy to see me, even would kiss me mulitple times on the cheek in posing for a photo opportunity.

 

She made some remark at a Wine event to me, that "If anything happened with her boyfriend, she'd probably run off with me"....this could've beent he wine talking...but I was thinking "Yeah, right, dream on Irc333, lol"

 

Just recently, her FB status changed to "Single" it was weird, because I noticed her recent vacation pics didn't have her boyfriend in them....apparently she became unattached, when I would try to talk to her on FB, no responses to a couple of emails.

 

So I knew she was a phoney in what she said. She always appeared to overglamourize things, or act a little too over enthusastic....you know the type.

 

"IRCCCC! HEy, so good to see you sweeetie...long time no see..Muah muah!!"

 

KNow what I mean. LOL

Edited November 16, 2010 by irc333