2010_Sorry Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I was married to the love of my life for 8 years and unfortunately, I messed up and had an affair. I was so incredibly stupid... I've NEVER been unfaithful before, but I swear I was living in a fog! My husband asked me to move out, and I did. He filed for divorce 9 months later. This whole time I was in a relationship with the "other" man. The divorce was final in September and in the courthouse I was hit with some unexpected emotions. I feel like that day, I woke up and realized what an idiot I had been, what I had done to hurt my husband and how terrible I was. I immediately broke up with the "other" man and told my ex husband how incredibly sorry I was. I poured out my heart.... I told him why I know I did what I did and how I was committed to dedicating the rest of my life with him. He was interested, but said he wasn't ready.... said we needed to take baby steps. I respected that and kept my distance. That was in September. I finally asked him to dinner last night and he came over. The meal was good and he asked me to sew a button on his shirt I broke down in tears afterward and told him how terrible I felt and how much I love him. He couldn't have left any faster than he did. I got a text a few minutes later that said "Thanks Again". I messed up again by sending him a barage of texts last night (through the entire night) saying that I would agree to a pre-nup to NEVER leave him again or give up my retirement (which is something he has asked me about a few weeks earlier), I found a marriage retreat in CA that I offered to pay for, I promised and begged... all of these texts went unanswered until this afternoon. He sent me an e-mail that said that although we had an incredible marriage and love, it's gone now. The only feelings he has is respect because I'm the mother of his children. He wants me to go out and date so that I can find happiness. He doesn't want me to wait for him because he is not sure that he will change his mind any time soon.... I am dying inside. I'm finally grieving for the loss of our marriage and realizing the depth of my mistake. I loved my husband so much and I cannot believe that I let myself do what I did, and hurt him! I'm sure that this is exactly how he felt when I moved out... He has asked many people what they think he should do, so I know that he has considered us again. I'm thinking that I came on too strong last night, but I feel that it is important that he knows how committed I am to working on our relationship forever. How do I move forward? I do not want to be with anyone else! I am planning to wait for him, but I guess the next move is his... God I hope he makes a move. Please help give me some guidance, I am hurting so badly... I am so scared.
january2010 Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 A link to your latest thread: Here comes goodbye
dreamingoftigers Posted January 5, 2011 Posted January 5, 2011 You move forward by deciding 100% that you will never lower your dignity again, then you forgive yourself and try again when you fail in small measures. Whether or not your husband makes an appearance again will not decide your happiness when you know that you have incredible self-worth and that your life circumstances do not decide what you react like. Forgive yourself for having fallen, but make sure you nip temptation right at the root next time it happens. If your husband is still around in a decent enough measure he may take notice of this and realize the changes are worth trusting. Good luck
HRCT Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 As a guy this is what I will say... make yourself attractive to him again. Doing what you did, though it makes sense at the time, did not help. he agreed to a dinner cause he probably remember the good times. Cheating is a HUGE blow to a man's ego. But you basically have to ask yourself, honestly, what was bigger. His ego (love of self) or his love for you... It is something that he has to struggle with in his own heart. And nothing you can do at the moment will speed up that process. Even if you are dying inside, control yourself. So that when he meets you again (and I guess he will cause you share children) show up with a smile, new haircut, new dress/coat/shoes... even new jewelry (he might think some other dink bought it for you. So if he compliments on it just say "I know. Its nice isn't it... and turn away from him. He will be curious, not jealous.) You look healthy, good and gorgeous, he will think "damn, what IF she ends up with another bloke? Did I make a mistake?"
BB07 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 As a guy this is what I will say... make yourself attractive to him again. Doing what you did, though it makes sense at the time, did not help. he agreed to a dinner cause he probably remember the good times. Cheating is a HUGE blow to a man's ego. But you basically have to ask yourself, honestly, what was bigger. His ego (love of self) or his love for you... It is something that he has to struggle with in his own heart. And nothing you can do at the moment will speed up that process. Even if you are dying inside, control yourself. So that when he meets you again (and I guess he will cause you share children) show up with a smile, new haircut, new dress/coat/shoes... even new jewelry (he might think some other dink bought it for you. So if he compliments on it just say "I know. Its nice isn't it... and turn away from him. He will be curious, not jealous.) You look healthy, good and gorgeous, he will think "damn, what IF she ends up with another bloke? Did I make a mistake?" Considering that the OP had an affair, I think your advice is way off the mark. The last thing she needs to do is give her husband the impression that she is seeing another man. After all, that is exactly what got her into the mess she is in.
JustJoe Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 BB07 is right on the money. Thi OP had an affair, and ANY hint that she is seeing other guys will surely end any chance of re-conciliation.
aerogurl87 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Actions speak louder than words is all I have to say. I wasn't married to my ex, but I did cheat on him when we were together. I told him I'd do whatever it took to get our relationship to work and I did up until the day he left me for someone else. But you know what, I kept my promise to him. I was always there for him when he needed me, I never let him down one single moment after the day I cheated on him. I SHOWED him that I meant business when I said I was sorry and that I'd work to make things right with him. In fact I told him that I would put in work to restore his faith in me even if he never took me back. Now we may be reconciling. So my point is, if you screw up that badly you have to put in the work to get your ex back. Yes he may be unreceptive at first or flaky, but you cheated on him so it's not his job to do all the work, it's yours. You have to own up to what you did, be vulnerable to him, show him that you will not repeat your past actions. Then he may come back, although that's not guaranteed either. And for that I say your best bet is to work to make up for what you did to him not in hopes you get him back one day, but just out of real regret for hurting the person you love.
JustJoe Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Aerogirl.........smarter than the average bear!!;)
Darth Vader Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 To answer both of your Threads at once "Do I have a chance?" and "how to reconcile?" To be perfectly honest, it would take Almighty God to repair the damage! God is more than able to do it, but, you have to remember, God will not force your Ex-husband to do anything! Just like God did not force you to cheat or stay faithful to your ex-husband. People have choices, you had your choices to make, now it's time for your ex to make his choice! Whatever you do, don't push your ex-husband, even if he ends up marrying the lady he's seeing, wish him well, and hope and pray for the best for him!
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