About to Give Up: Guys Keep Disappearing on Me!

[runner87]

first of all, i'm gay. i've been out for a little over two years now, and i've dated quite a few guys for someone who lives in the midwest. people tell me all the time that i'm attractive (even though i don't see it), but for some reason, almost every single guy i've ever dated just runs off and completely disappears on me without telling me why.

 

i've never liked myself or had high-self esteem, and this just makes it worse.

 

to top it all off, one of my guy friends (who doesn't really know much about my situation, but he knows i'm gay) did the exact same thing a couple weeks ago to a guy he was dating--- he just stopped responding to his texts. when i asked him why, he said this, "well, he's kinda needy and came on too strong. if he was better-looking, i could deal with it."

 

so now it makes me think that these guys run off on me because i'm ugly and everyone around me has just been lying to me to make me feel good about myself and my looks.

 

so guys, both gay and straight on here, i have to ask--- are you more inclined to keep dating someone even if they don't have a good personality or are needy, just because they're extremely good-looking? or does personality outweigh looks for most people?

 

i need to figure out how to keep guys from losing interest or running off; it's really killing me.

[Tim The Enchanter]

Everyone has their own preferences. Some people are shallow and superficial, so to them appearances are everything. For me, looks are very important but then so is personality. If had to choose between a very attractive girl, but whose personality stank (think Naomi Campbell etc) and someone who was merely attractive but with a great personality, I'd go with the personality every time.

[runner87]

Everyone has their own preferences. Some people are shallow and superficial, so to them appearances are everything. For me, looks are very important but then so is personality. If had to choose between a very attractive girl, but whose personality stank (think Naomi Campbell etc) and someone who was merely attractive but with a great personality, I'd go with the personality every time.

 

 

Okay, well I don't have a bad personality in the sense that I'm mean/bossy/demanding/arrogant like Naomi Campbell. I'm a nice guy, I'm just shy, and I wondered if that was enough to rush guys off.

 

What if the girl you went out on a date with was very attractive but shy and maybe awkward--- not bitchy? Would you still choose the merely attractive girl with the great personality?

[BrianK]

Base your relationships on personality, ability to interact, humor and a bit on attraction. With me, as long as she isnt obese or deformed in some way I am game. Its hard trying to find one with a good personality! There are also the girls that are 9-10's and too hot.

 

Walk down the street and guys are honking their horns at them (never mind the fact you are holding their hand) and they get hit on 24-7.

 

NO THANKS! Too much bs...

[welikeincrowds]

Have you asked this question other places than here?

 

I've noticed that LoveShack is primarily concerned with hetero relationships. (It blew my mind once I realized that.) It occurred to me that the gay community has been using the internet to express their concerns for a very long time. It makes sense that there would exist relationship forums specifically for the purpose of discussing gay relationships.

 

The reason I bring this up is because I am absolutely certain that you are not the first recently outed gay male with low self-esteem. I think you will get some great support here, but you may also get needed perspective from a forum tailored to gay men. However, I don't know of such a forum off-hand.

 

almost every single guy i've ever dated just runs off and completely disappears on me without telling me why

OP, this is standard in dating. Everyone goes through it, and most people do it. It sucks to experience when you're into someone and you didn't see it coming. Whatever the reason, it comes down to them not seeing a compatibility, and that just can't be helped, by either person.

 

Sometimes they don't tell you from lack of courage -- then good ****ing riddance. Sometimes it doesn't seem appropriate because the energy is lacking on both parties -- oh well.

 

are you more inclined to keep dating someone even if they don't have a good personality or are needy, just because they're extremely good-looking?

People will date, or not date, for literally any reason. You can influence what a person is thinking or doing. But it can't be controlled, and in many cases it can't be known. Maybe he's just obsessed with your pinky toe. I've heard of weirder.

 

I wish I could tell you something different from what you probably already believe: that your perspective on this needs to change, and it needs to be turned back around on you.

 

If you believed that you were valuable, you would have a completely different perspective on this issue. You would see it as a hurtful thing an ******* did, and although you would be upset, you would also see it as a good thing that an unappreciative person has left your life. Either that or you would see it as an inevitability and write it off as a bad match. Ultimately the difference is that you would not take it upon yourself as a personal failure, because the lack of commitment does not reflect on your own flaws or weaknesses as a person, but on the fundamental (in)compatibility between you and the person you happen to be dating.

 

The ironic thing is that if you work on yourself and come out seeing your own self-worth, you will become much more attractive.

 

But I must stress again that I'm not suggesting that you work on yourself so that you can "keep a man". In fact, you don't know why these guys are leaving unless you ask them, and even then you don't know -- but that's not the point. The point is that life becomes so much more possible when you believe in what you're doing in it. Things fall into place, and things that don't are the things that, ultimately, you didn't want anyway.