havehope Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 (edited) This is more or less of a vent / reflection for me. Get my thoughts on paper about the end of the relationship and trying to visually see why I need to move on and why NC is the best thing for me, because I really need support I'm doing the right thing and don't know why I'm on the down for the emotional roller coaster ride right now. * "I needed to be with other people and get my curiosities out of the way to make sure you're the one I want to marry." - Yeah... because after 4 years and picking out rings he's not sure... when the first sl*t that walks by opens her legs for him. What about my feelings? I didn't have to be with other people to know. I knew I wanted to marry him. I always did. Yeah maybe I was curious here or there, but never enough to even fathom doing anything about it and ruining a good thing. Guess I should have known when he flat out refused sex for weeks and withdrew all physical and emotional affection. Would have like the common courtesy of a break up first before being with other ppl. Just saying. * "We should stop saying I love you as much. We say it too often and we probably shouldn't hold hands as much anymore when we're out." - like I was then, I still don't know how to respond to this. * "She was all over me - what was I supposed to do? I got tired of saying no. Besides it was only sex with her. Its making love with you." - Is that supposed to make me feel better? I have an idea: How about keeping it in your pants. * "You should have put more effort into your appearance to be pretty." - Oh I'm sorry. NOT * "If you did everything I wanted you to, you wouldn't have made me do it and we would probably be engaged today instead of apart." - Wish he was man enough to have communicated his unhappiness with me. Call me weird, delusional even, but I find it REALLY hard to believe that f***ing someone else helps work out 'our' problems. I wish he respected me enough to grow a pair and end it before he started sleeping with her and me during the same time frame. Thought I meant more than that, that our 4yr relationship meant more. * "You should be happy I was only sleeping with one other person, not multiple girls." - this statement doesn't even deserve commentary * "When its more convenient for my work schedule and not alot of work, I think we should try again because I know I want to marry you now. People may come and go between now and then, but I know I'm gunna end up with you. You should be over what I did, since it was a year ago - that way we can start again. i always loved you." - wrong. you stopped loving me when you got in bed with someone else and didn't apologize or attempt to fix it. Being with me should not be because its a convenience. It should be because you think its special/ a priviledge (so to speak). I'm not a secondary choice. I'm worth a first choice. I want closure. I want to be stronger than this. I want to move on. It's been 1.5yrs. I want to stop loving you, stop missing you, stop thinking about you, stop wishing we could be friends. I want my self-esteem and dignity back. I want to wake up and be happy for once. I'm disappointed in myself because I can tell complete strangers how I feel and how f-ed up it is... but I can't tell you. - h Edited November 15, 2010 by havehope
jessysea Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Wow what you are saying is alot of the same things I am going through...After just 4 months of being gone, I still don't know what to do... I still love him with all my heart, but yet I am sick of it all at the same time.....
Ajax Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Wow. Just... wow. You deserve a medal. He's truely a pompous arrogant *******. My favorite part is when he said that you should be over what he did after a year. Please move on. You really need to because you can do a lot better than him. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve to be with someone who's not an idiot.
redmelon Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Oh man, I hate your ex! People like him remind me how I can relate to murderers. Wash your hands and be grateful to have this moron out of your life...
Author havehope Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 Its hard when people you love turn into 180 degree opposites. Hearing him say all that was hard because he was never EVER mean or degrading before (as most are). Its like *WTF* why is it so hard for me - it shouldn't be hard because he is an ass and I have a damn good reason to move on too. Whatever self esteem I have goes down when I get sad about him because I know I shouldn't be sad over someone so... arrogant is a nice word Ajax. I feel like I'm wasting my life over someone who doesn't give a damn about my heart. I hate I still care sometimes.
WTRanger Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Maybe you still care about who he was. Sometimes it's hard to see a person for who they are now, we tend to hang on to who they were. It's almost as if we don't want to let go of this mental view we have. It's not always an easy thing to do.
Author havehope Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 (edited) When I wrote some of the things he said down, its easier to see why I need to go NC. I mean if my friend told me her (ex)bf said those things to her at the end, it would be a no brainer. It should be a no brainer for me too then right? My self-esteem is practically non-existant if I still want to talk to someone who treats me like that. I hate myself for that. on one hand he says stuff like that... and on the other he tells me what I want to hear: he still loves me, he wants to be with me, he learned from past mistakes, it won't happen again, I'm the only one he ever loved. I tell other people they deserve better after reading their stories. Why is it so hard to believe that myself... it's not like I am exception to a cheater Edited November 16, 2010 by havehope
Recommended Posts