tobydog Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 My feelings change from day to day. One day I am so angry that he just walked out on us and his dearly longed for son, now today I am feeling sorry for him? Why? He has lost everything he loved. His lovely house, new car, our lifestyle, his business and above all his son. He will regret this, ruining his first weeks at school, everything. But I saw him the other day and he looked so bad. Unshaven etc, he didn't see us. He is in financial turmoil and it seems like a feud at the moment. I do something like cancel all his Drirect debits from my account , then he does something nasty. he won't talk, even ask about his son, no money. he has severed all ties with us. I am still ill and heartbroken, I know I will never get him back, he hates me and I find this hard to deal with. I am not a bad person but I must have damaged him and I can't take the guilt of this anymore.
iheartboobs Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 From what I remember of your situation (and I'm going to go on that instead of rereading through your threads, so forgive me if I'm wrong) you didn't really do anything to your husband... he pretty well did it all to himself. So my advice would be to quit feeling guilty and learn to enjoy that bastard's misery. Your worthless ex may not love you, but karma does... I'd take that trade any day.
Author tobydog Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 yes but I did, I drank too much and he could not stand it. Only 2 nights a week but he hated it and I did not stop. I feel like killing myself at the mo, tho will not do as I have Matt.
iheartboobs Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Do you go to therapy or take anything for depression?
habs53 Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I would have to say that your ex is a very depressed person right now. As you say, everything is gone. That is probably the reason he has chose no contact right now. He does not know what to say. I think you still have hope. If you could contact him somehow and talk, really talk..... he may come home. You would have to prove to him you can change and really do it. Dont let this go on any further. Do it and do it soon.
Author tobydog Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 Thanks guys, I am having therapy and have quit the drink, he will not talk to me and has severed all ties with us, I do not think he is going to talk to me at all, not even about his son, he wants out and has gone. So there is nothing I can do. I have ruined his life and he hates me.....I cannot deal with that...
Author tobydog Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 How can he hate me so much? He has cut all ties and not been back to get his stock for the business. He has redirected his mail and will not have anything to do with Matt. How can he do that? It's been 9 weeks today since he left and I am plagued by questions? help anyone? It's lke we no longer exist.........getting stronger but still weepy and heartbroken for the future we have lost.
dazedandconfused2008 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I am in the same boat as you are. I feel this "hatred" and i do get the blame for everything that he CHOOSES to go through. What i really need to do is really look at it in a different way. What could you have possibly done to make someone hate you that much? What did your son do? Realistically your son has done nothing to deserve this and really...neither have you. If you ask me i think this is HIS way of dealing with his own guilt and shame. Its easier to blame and point the finger and justify his bad behaviors by throwing it all on someone else than to look at yourself in the mirror and even worse....looking at the faces of those we hurt. Our lives are consumed by guilt. As i read in a book..."guilt is the gift that keeps on giving". My ex has always sucked me in by way of guilt. Whether intentional or unintentional. Why people may ask would you feel sorry for someone that treats you so poorly? Hell im still trying to figure out that one myself. But the answers are really within us and we have to ask ourselves why is it we feel GUILT? Its not that we feel sorry for them as much as we feel guilt for "being" uncaring and "bad" people. How were you raised? What values did you pick up along the way and what values were instilled in our beings growing up that in order to be "good" people we must be "giving"..."kind to others"..."forgiving"...etc...i could go on and on. The one thing that is forgotten is about taking care of ourselves too. We are just as important as everyone else. Doesnt make us "bad" people to say no...our own value and self worth is really whats at play here. That is where we need to dig into and pull back out again. Address your guilt and take responsibility for your OWN actions...not his...and go from there..start from you...from within..start small..
Author tobydog Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 Thanks, that makes sense. But how can he hate me in 9 weeks. I know he loved before this ****e happened........
dazedandconfused2008 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 To know the answer to WHY HE does something...you would have to dig into HIS psyche to really understand him and his way of thinking and doing what he does. But really would that make things any better. Sometimes we want answers to lessen our pain...but we also have to remember that sometimes answers can cause more of it. All that time and energy learning about someone else could be better spent on focusing and directing energy on how we can make our OWN lives better. Sometimes we just have to surrender and let go and make peace for our own lives. I spent 3 years wondering how my ex could just be hateful to me off and on and just up and leave and pretend we dont exist. Its because he hated himself...it was NEVER me and still isnt. Because after a certain period he would always come back. Then the guilt trip..always poor poor him...and i fell for it everytime. Yet...when did i ever get MY compassion from him...where was he when it was me holding my sobbing children? Where was he when i had to go on welfare? when I just had my baby and was sick and had lost a lot of blood having to care for a newborn plus 2 other little ones? Getting up at night and taking care of schooling and of house and of kids and of life? and yet i STILL feel for another human being...one that deserted us. We had a lot of good times and memories way before all this...and I miss those SOOO much it hurts. Trying to understand him can only take me so far with this pain...now its time to take over and try and understand ME and try and look at life with meaning and make it one of meaning again. Try and focus on what you DO have and not what you dont have cuz it makes a huge difference on how you see the world. Were all on our own journeys and your ex is finding his way on his...be it good or bad...and you have to do the same. He doesnt hate you...its just his way of coping with some deep garbage inside of him. Dont let it ruin your path...im walking it with you too.
Author tobydog Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Thanks so much for the reply and wise words. he does hate me and says I've ruined his life, but how can he abandon his dearly loved son?
worlybear Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 He's abandoned his son 'cos he can't and won't accept the responsibility. It sounds as if he has a prolonged and fatal attack of the "me" syndrome. He considers himself and his own feelings as the entire universe. He simply hasn't got time or space to consider anyone else! This may partly be due to depression or it may just be his mind-set. I share your anger and disbelief- your son doesn't deserve to be treated like this but I doubt you'll change your X's mind. He has decided he is the victim in all of this and it won't be a role he gives up ,lightly as he's very ego-centric and narcissistic. Be strong for your son ,enjoy him and remember that it will be your X who loses out big time. Hugs:bunny::bunny:
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