Why Can't I Even Begin To Get Over Him?

[Figuring]

I've been reading on here for the past month and found some comfort in hearing what everyone has to say and because this seems like a safe place share I've decided that I want to. I'm not sure what advice can be given and I know I set myself up for all of this and that it's now my path to walk from here, I just don't know where to begin.

 

My story is a little complicated - I was the MOW (I have two kids) to a MM (no kids) for over two and a half years, we ended when his wife found out just five weeks ago now. My H has not found out that we were ever together and it was MM's prerogative to never let his W find out that I was married as he only admitted half-truths about our relationship to her.

 

I was madly in love with MM, we had been together a very long time and spent at least 6 full nights together a month, had hour + long daily phone calls, went on week long vacations together (and were sneaky enough for quite some time to get away with all of this) we referred to each other as our lover, soul mate and best friend. Throughout the relationship I would have been willing to leave my H for him, not because H is a bad man or even because we don't have a good relationship but because I truly felt more connected to MM then I ever have to anyone my entire life. MM however had said that he wouldn't leave his wife "I'm still in love with her" and I was way too STUPID and I didn't listen to that. We had spoken about knowing our boundaries and that we could love one another endlessly and freely within them, at times I even tricked myself into believing that I was okay with that. In my heart of hearts I thought he and I would always be together and that someday she would leave him and we would be together. Of course that is just pathetic because I shouldn't be a consolation prize. He'd always said she'd leave him for sure if she knew about us and that we were in love etc, etc. It's obvious that even while he didn't give her full details (and despite a craving I'm not going to) that she is absolutely open to forgiving him and not divorcing. It's sad to say how much I loved and still love this man because in the beginning of our relationship when I told him I wanted more he responded by secretly cheating for three months. I found out about this and we worked through it - just like you would in a 'real' relationship. Through the process of forgiving him I came to trust him more then I have ever trusted another person and I let him truly know me. I felt like I knew the same of him.

 

I was SHOCKED when Dday came that he left me immediately - just a call to tell me he owed it to her to give her 100% (I should have been forewarned as he did the exact same thing to the girl he cheated on me with). He hasn't contacted me since then and our last conversation ended with us saying we'd love another forever and me acknowledging that I couldn't change his mind and that I must therefore respect his decision - I had promised him I would all along.

 

I can't stop checking his twitter and facebook and it's killing me more by the day - he really is giving her 100% and it's all the things I wanted with him - they are going out to dinners, traveling on the weekends and having all sorts of fun together - he really has recommitted to her and I know it feels good because I was once recommitted to by him.

 

I viewed MM as powerful, no one in my life has ever made me feel submissive before and I loved that connection. I would have done anything for him and been thrilled just to please him. He was charming and generous and made you feel as if you were the only person alive. Then all at the same time as being powerful he was small and sweet in my arms and let me know his vulnerabilities as no one else ever has. I was madly in love with him.

 

My huge issue comes down to the fact that after five weeks of NC that I can't even begin to feel over him. I'm working with a therapist but I'm stuck, still so in love with MM that I can't even begin to think about my own marriage. My husband is a good man, we married young, I was desperate for commitment then and I didn't really know what I wanted. We'd always been good friends but never really had chemistry. After an episode of him rejecting a certain sexual activity I wanted to try I looked to see if someone else would want to. I actively searched for my affair and I truly thought I'd meet someone (if even that) realize that it was a BAD idea and walk away. I never even for a moment thought I would fall in love and that it would be a long term affair. I can't knock down my wall of resistance to my H because he will never be MM even though he offers me something MM never did - true commitment. I know it is evil and selfish of me that my H has lived without a true companion for almost three years now because I'm doing my own thing. Many will just say get a D, he deserves it but I asked him just a few weeks ago how he thought we were and he said that we have a "wonderful" marriage. Maybe he truly is clueless.

 

I know I need to give my marriage a try, maybe we can make something of it - we have two young kids, we get along well but to do that I have to get over MM and I'm finding it impossible. I ache for him and I don't have a clue what to do. Someone on here said posted "Recipe To Being Miserable: Find only 1 thing in the world that you can't have, and pine after it" and it's absolutely where I am at. How do I get over this man I viewed as my perfect partner? I'm still in shock that he left me and I feel so stupid for ever going down this road. I wish I'd never had an affair and never known what it was like to be with someone with whom I had amazing chemistry, got along with perfectly and shared such intimacy with. I've caused so much pain - to myself, to his wife and eventually no matter which way this goes to my spouse and marriage. My H deserves to have someone that loves him and I deserve to have a marriage that makes two people happy not just one. I just need to get this "ideal" man out of my head. At this point I'm emotionally divorced and I haven't the slightest clue how to begin again. How awful for my H to be the man I got stuck with instead of the man I wanted but I'm not sure he'd be any happier if I left. I know the kids would suffer unbelievably. I used to love him - it has to be in me somewhere to find it again.

 

Instead each day I make myself suffer because MM has moved on (immediately it seems per twitter) and is living and loving with his BW while I'm the one that never got found out and I'm miserable. I want to break NC so badly and call him and ask if he's just making a front and he really does miss me. It's making me insane and no matter how many times I list all the bad things about him I still ache for our connection - it was the most powerful thing I have ever known.

 

I'm in such a fog and I'm as lost as ever, I feel like things may never get better and that at only 30 I've already had and lost the greatest love of my life. Even as I write this I know it sounds pathetic, I have a husband that loves me, a decent house, two amazing kids and a good life. Why do I long for him so?

[bentnotbroken]

That's a good question that says a lot about you. When you figure it out, then maybe you will move on with healing without either man.

[aim9618]

I am in the same boat as you. It is so hard to live. You are thinking about the person every single second. I am in therapy and thinking about taking meds to help me get thru the day. I never experienced such pain. I dont wish it on anyone.

[bentnotbroken]

Unfortunately if you participate even if you don't wish it on someone, it happens when discovered. I had to do the meds to get through the day and take care of my children. No win situation IMO.

[pureinheart]

Figure and Aim...

 

My thoughts to you:)

 

Figure, you have got to heal as you have no choice (easier said than done, I know). One day at a time...first off, I'd stay away from twitter and things will get easier, I guarantee it.

 

This man possibly lead you on. If I read you right, he has no children? Yet he is with another for over 2 years, then discovery and he dumps you...wow...I'd be pissed as hell at him and myself.

 

Can you stay off of twitter?

[endlessness]

My first step towards recovery was a conscious, committed decision to make every effort to move past this. I had to let go of him completely. And that meant that I had to stop keeping tabs on his life through his W's posts on a public forum. I had to stop driving by his house just to catch a glimpse of his life outside of me, looking for some evidence that would fuel my withering hope. I was absolutely obsessed, which I recognized and, one day, simply made up my mind about healing. All it took was a conscious decision and a promise to myself. It's been five weeks, and so far have not had the urge to contact him or get an update on his life.

 

So, if you're truly committed to healing, the first step is to let go of any connection you have to his life. I know you are still under the influence of the drug that is your MM, and twitter gives you that fix, just like my xMM W's posts were giving me mine. You have to quit him and begin the detox.

[fooled once]

I've been reading on here for the past month and found some comfort in hearing what everyone has to say and because this seems like a safe place share I've decided that I want to. I'm not sure what advice can be given and I know I set myself up for all of this and that it's now my path to walk from here, I just don't know where to begin.

 

My story is a little complicated - I was the MOW (I have two kids) to a MM (no kids) for over two and a half years, we ended when his wife found out just five weeks ago now. My H has not found out that we were ever together and it was MM's prerogative to never let his W find out that I was married as he only admitted half-truths about our relationship to her.

 

I was madly in love with MM, we had been together a very long time and spent at least 6 full nights together a month, had hour + long daily phone calls, went on week long vacations together (and were sneaky enough for quite some time to get away with all of this) we referred to each other as our lover, soul mate and best friend. Throughout the relationship I would have been willing to leave my H for him, not because H is a bad man or even because we don't have a good relationship but because I truly felt more connected to MM then I ever have to anyone my entire life. MM however had said that he wouldn't leave his wife "I'm still in love with her" and I was way too STUPID and I didn't listen to that. We had spoken about knowing our boundaries and that we could love one another endlessly and freely within them, at times I even tricked myself into believing that I was okay with that. In my heart of hearts I thought he and I would always be together and that someday she would leave him and we would be together. Of course that is just pathetic because I shouldn't be a consolation prize. He'd always said she'd leave him for sure if she knew about us and that we were in love etc, etc. It's obvious that even while he didn't give her full details (and despite a craving I'm not going to) that she is absolutely open to forgiving him and not divorcing. It's sad to say how much I loved and still love this man because in the beginning of our relationship when I told him I wanted more he responded by secretly cheating for three months. I found out about this and we worked through it - just like you would in a 'real' relationship. Through the process of forgiving him I came to trust him more then I have ever trusted another person and I let him truly know me. I felt like I knew the same of him.

 

I was SHOCKED when Dday came that he left me immediately - just a call to tell me he owed it to her to give her 100% (I should have been forewarned as he did the exact same thing to the girl he cheated on me with). He hasn't contacted me since then and our last conversation ended with us saying we'd love another forever and me acknowledging that I couldn't change his mind and that I must therefore respect his decision - I had promised him I would all along.

 

I can't stop checking his twitter and facebook and it's killing me more by the day - he really is giving her 100% and it's all the things I wanted with him - they are going out to dinners, traveling on the weekends and having all sorts of fun together - he really has recommitted to her and I know it feels good because I was once recommitted to by him.

 

I viewed MM as powerful, no one in my life has ever made me feel submissive before and I loved that connection. I would have done anything for him and been thrilled just to please him. He was charming and generous and made you feel as if you were the only person alive. Then all at the same time as being powerful he was small and sweet in my arms and let me know his vulnerabilities as no one else ever has. I was madly in love with him.

 

My huge issue comes down to the fact that after five weeks of NC that I can't even begin to feel over him. I'm working with a therapist but I'm stuck, still so in love with MM that I can't even begin to think about my own marriage. My husband is a good man, we married young, I was desperate for commitment then and I didn't really know what I wanted. We'd always been good friends but never really had chemistry. After an episode of him rejecting a certain sexual activity I wanted to try I looked to see if someone else would want to. I actively searched for my affair and I truly thought I'd meet someone (if even that) realize that it was a BAD idea and walk away. I never even for a moment thought I would fall in love and that it would be a long term affair. I can't knock down my wall of resistance to my H because he will never be MM even though he offers me something MM never did - true commitment. I know it is evil and selfish of me that my H has lived without a true companion for almost three years now because I'm doing my own thing. Many will just say get a D, he deserves it but I asked him just a few weeks ago how he thought we were and he said that we have a "wonderful" marriage. Maybe he truly is clueless.

 

I know I need to give my marriage a try, maybe we can make something of it - we have two young kids, we get along well but to do that I have to get over MM and I'm finding it impossible. I ache for him and I don't have a clue what to do. Someone on here said posted "Recipe To Being Miserable: Find only 1 thing in the world that you can't have, and pine after it" and it's absolutely where I am at. How do I get over this man I viewed as my perfect partner? I'm still in shock that he left me and I feel so stupid for ever going down this road. I wish I'd never had an affair and never known what it was like to be with someone with whom I had amazing chemistry, got along with perfectly and shared such intimacy with. I've caused so much pain - to myself, to his wife and eventually no matter which way this goes to my spouse and marriage. My H deserves to have someone that loves him and I deserve to have a marriage that makes two people happy not just one. I just need to get this "ideal" man out of my head. At this point I'm emotionally divorced and I haven't the slightest clue how to begin again. How awful for my H to be the man I got stuck with instead of the man I wanted but I'm not sure he'd be any happier if I left. I know the kids would suffer unbelievably. I used to love him - it has to be in me somewhere to find it again.

 

Instead each day I make myself suffer because MM has moved on (immediately it seems per twitter) and is living and loving with his BW while I'm the one that never got found out and I'm miserable. I want to break NC so badly and call him and ask if he's just making a front and he really does miss me. It's making me insane and no matter how many times I list all the bad things about him I still ache for our connection - it was the most powerful thing I have ever known.

 

I'm in such a fog and I'm as lost as ever, I feel like things may never get better and that at only 30 I've already had and lost the greatest love of my life. Even as I write this I know it sounds pathetic, I have a husband that loves me, a decent house, two amazing kids and a good life. Why do I long for him so?

 

You have built this MM out to be this GOD, this absolutely wonderful, loving caring dude ==== yet you admit he CHEATED on you with someone else - not even HIS WIFE.

 

he tells you he is IN LOVE WITH his wife. And he dumped you flat?

 

yet you are still pining for him?

 

I think it is more the desire to be loved and cared for by someone, not necessarily with him, because from what you wrote, he is a complete *ss hole and a jerk. Yet you have made him immortal and on such a high pedestal.

 

Doesn't your H sense how you are grieving? I can't image you are able to hide it.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I hope you can continue to work with your therapist to get through this and make a decision about your life.

[alexandria35]

I agree with FO. You have placed this man high upon a pedestal that he doesn't deserve to be on. He cheats on his wife, he cheats on his OW, then he dumps his OW like yesterdays news to save his marriage.

 

I have been where you are. There was a man in my life that had the same effect on me that you describe with your MM. He wasn't married but he had other issues that created incredible pain in our relationship. When things were good it was so amazing that I believed in him and our love more deeply than I had ever believed in anything. This is what I held onto when things would spiral downwards into hell. I really gave him my whole heart and soul and there was nothing I wouldn't do for him. He would break my heart over and over again. He would have rages and break up with me on a whim and I would cry like it was the end of the world. Then when he would come back (sometimes in a matter of days, sometimes months later and once two years) I would immediately welcome him back with open arms. Sigh...It was the most romantic love of all time.....

 

Yuck! I can hardly stand to remember it now. Thank God there came a day that I finally opened my eyes and saw that this guy was just a man, and not even a particularly good man at that. He was good at being charming and manipulative, he was good at making women (not just me) feel that special connection that they thought they were missing and that they would never find with another. This just isn't true. If all of our happiness is wrapped up in being with one specific person then there is something wrong with the situation. There is something psychologically out of whack. If our love for someone causes us to overlook glaring flaws like cheating and lying (or in my case, blatant disrespect and abuse) then there is something malfunctioning somewhere.

 

Your mm is not powerful, he does not hold the key to your future happiness. He is just a cowardly cheater and he managed to reel you into his web of lies and deceit. It does you no good to keep tabs on him as doing so only feeds into your fantasy of him as your one true love. He is just a man, a seriously flawed man.

[Figuring]

Thank you all for the quite appropriate swift kick in the ass. I needed it badly.

 

It's so true - I made MM a God and allowed him to do as he liked while I came in second and all at the same time I did that exact same thing to my H.

 

I know this is going to be an unbelievably long wrong but it has to start with me acknowledging that the affair is over, that it isn't coming back and that there is something about my need to be loved, desired etc that drove me to do some terrible things.

 

I know my husband deserves for me to get my head in the game and make a damn decision. I've decided to leave the darkness, it doesn't mean I learned and loved for nothing with MM but that I have to move forward now.

 

Thank you all.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you all for the quite appropriate swift kick in the ass. I needed it badly.

It's so true - I made MM a God and allowed him to do as he liked while I came in second and all at the same time I did that exact same thing to my H.

I know this is going to be an unbelievably long wrong but it has to start with me acknowledging that the affair is over, that it isn't coming back and that there is something about my need to be loved, desired etc that drove me to do some terrible things.

I know my husband deserves for me to get my head in the game and make a damn decision. I've decided to leave the darkness, it doesn't mean I learned and loved for nothing with MM but that I have to move forward now.

Thank you all.

 

Seriously... I don't even know where to start. Do you have a history of trauma or abuse?

 

You want help getting over this MM who is pretty much a complete scumbag. He was emotionally abusive and you love it and want more. Which should be a pretty clear indicator to you that your messed in the head. Bigtime. Until you actually realize this you can't give your marriage a shot... or really even get past this other guy. Your emotions are flipped upside down from what they should be. It's not Ok when an emotional punch to the face is what turns you on... and loving behavior turns you off. Get it?

 

I would say your dominance/submission issue plays a key role here. I assume your husband does not actively try to emotionally dominate you... as most mentally healthy people would not.

 

My suggestion is some intensive personal therapy.

 

Additionally... how you can you live without feeling guilt or shame?

Edited December 2, 2010 by Untouchable_Fire

[Pink_orchid]

Your MM does not sound a very nice man to me. Cheated on his wife, cheated on you, dumped you, to go back to the wife he 'loves' . Well listen if that's his idea of 'love' to be honest aren't you better off without it.

 

He is good at being charming and making women feel special clearly but he is one big liar. I know you felt that this man was 'the one' but he obviously didn't feel the same way. I don't say that to intentionally hurt you as believe me I've been there, thinking that I would die of a broken heart over a married guy who I had an amazing connection with, and all that... and he ended up throwing me under a bus, so I do feel for you, I just mean that he has decided to stay where he is for whatever reason, perhaps because he knows that he can play away from home and she turns a blind eye, it could be anything. It doesn't mean you're not a great person. Ignore the don't -you-feel-guilt-and-shame brigade. You don't need that right now. I think that the one who should feel most guilt and shame is HIM.

 

Take one day at a time. The disappointment, and the cutting of contact, is awful to go through. On top of that there is the thought of the two of them together, and normally you would get sympathy for being dropped suddenly for another woman, but because of the situation, the secrecy, you can't talk about it to anyone. It really is hell. BUt how much respect has he for her, really. ZERO.

 

Be kind to yourself, do something nice for yourself, each day, look up old friends, just take your mind off HIM and stop looking at his/her social networking profiles as it's only going to hurt. You know it is all fake anyway, you know what he's really been up to, he'll be looking for another OW before long, he may come sniffing around you again so be careful! Be glad you're not the poor deluded wife. You will over time get more angry than upset with him and that's progress.

[Hazyhead]

Be kind to yourself, do something nice for yourself, each day, look up old friends, just take your mind off HIM and stop looking at his/her social networking profiles as it's only going to hurt. You know it is all fake anyway, you know what he's really been up to, he'll be looking for another OW before long, he may come sniffing around you again so be careful! Be glad you're not the poor deluded wife. You will over time get more angry than upset with him and that's progress.

 

Okay... PO, you need to take heed of this yourself. Follow your own advice - you can do it!

[Pink_orchid]

Okay... PO, you need to take heed of this yourself. Follow your own advice - you can do it!

Yes very true easier to say it than do it isn't it!

[Hazyhead]

Yes very true easier to say it than do it isn't it!

 

You're right. Like so many things BUT, think of what life will be like to be free of this. It's not impossible PO, just not easy. You can do this.

 

Best thing I ever did.

[silktricks]

It sounds like you are a diabetic trying to avoid sugar by visiting the bakery whenever you can . The cakes and cookies look delectable and smell divine, but you know you can't eat them. Really, your life will begin to be more pleasant if you quit visiting the bakery.

 

Avoid contact, involve yourself in your own life. Keep going to the therapist. Visit LS and write all you need to. Get angry. Take back your life. And through all of this, start to look at this guy a little more realistically. As everyone has said - he doesn't sound like much of a prize. You deserve better - as does your husband.

 

Once you start feeling better, I'd strongly recommend marriage counseling, or sex therapy, or both. If what started you on this path was feeling denied sexually, then address it with your husband. And make clear to him the importance of what you are feeling.

 

I would personally recommend telling him the truth, as you aren't going to be able to truly rebuild your marriage without coming clean; but that is something you need to decide yourself.

[jwi71]

My story is a little complicated - I was the MOW (I have two kids) to a MM (no kids) for over two and a half years, we ended when his wife found out just five weeks ago now. My H has not found out that we were ever together and it was MM's prerogative to never let his W find out that I was married as he only admitted half-truths about our relationship to her.

 

Why is your xMM so concerned that his W not know you are M too?

That seems curious to me.

 

Throughout the relationship I would have been willing to leave my H for him, not because H is a bad man or even because we don't have a good relationship but because I truly felt more connected to MM then I ever have to anyone my entire life.

Why don't you leave H now?

I ask because you are clearly unsatisfied with something and your H is incapable of delivering it. So find a man who will. This also allows your H to find a woman capable of fully loving and accepting him. Don't worry about the kids...I got D when my kids were 3 and 5. Kids are far more resilient than we adults give them credit.

 

It's obvious that even while he didn't give her full details (and despite a craving I'm not going to) that she is absolutely open to forgiving him and not divorcing. It's sad to say how much I loved and still love this man because in the beginning of our relationship when I told him I wanted more he responded by secretly cheating for three months. I found out about this and we worked through it - just like you would in a 'real' relationship. Through the process of forgiving him I came to trust him more then I have ever trusted another person and I let him truly know me. I felt like I knew the same of him.

Its obvious he is skilled liar and cheat.

 

I was SHOCKED when Dday came that he left me immediately - just a call to tell me he owed it to her to give her 100% (I should have been forewarned as he did the exact same thing to the girl he cheated on me with)

Yup.

Or so you think.

Remember...he IS a skilled and experienced liar and cheat.

 

. He hasn't contacted me since then and our last conversation ended with us saying we'd love another forever and me acknowledging that I couldn't change his mind and that I must therefore respect his decision - I had promised him I would all along.

So you are still madly and passionately in love with him.

This makes my first question all the more pressing - why NOT file for D now?

I don't mean to disparage your H but he doesn't sound like the right man for you. Find another. Allow him to find "the one" for himself.

 

Everyone wins (even the kids).

 

I'm working with a therapist but I'm stuck, still so in love with MM that I can't even begin to think about my own marriage

This will prove SO helpful to you. But IC can take months to show benefits - and you get out of it what you put in it. Of course, the same holds true for M as well.

. My husband is a good man, we married young, I was desperate for commitment then and I didn't really know what I wanted. We'd always been good friends but never really had chemistry. After an episode of him rejecting a certain sexual activity I wanted to try I looked to see if someone else would want to. I actively searched for my affair and I truly thought I'd meet someone (if even that) realize that it was a BAD idea and walk away. I never even for a moment thought I would fall in love and that it would be a long term affair. I can't knock down my wall of resistance to my H because he will never be MM even though he offers me something MM never did - true commitment.

No one doubts your H is a good man. But he isn't the RIGHT man for you. Big difference.

 

Seriously, given what you write...keep in IC and file for D.

 

I know I need to give my marriage a try, maybe we can make something of it - we have two young kids, we get along well but to do that I have to get over MM and I'm finding it impossible.

Why do you "have to give your M a try". You did...for however long you were M before the M you tried. Didn't work.

 

Look, your M doesn't get better for as long as your H does NOT know of your A. That barrier will forever prevent you from "closing the gap"...so, file for D (since I know you will never admit your A).

 

Honestly, the alternative to truly trying to "fix" the M is to be open and honest. To put all the issues on the table in MC - including the depth and duration of your A. I also happen to know you will NEVER do this and as such your M will simply sink (since its in a full on crisis now).

 

So, spare yourself. Get the D now.

How do I get over this man I viewed as my perfect partner?

Flip side of the coin.

If this is the only perfect man for you why don't you do EVERYTHING in your power to have him. Like have a chit-chat with his W. Stab a dagger so deep in the heart of that M that it fails. And then you have your chance to have him forever. He wants it to. So help him get it.

 

I'm still in shock that he left me and I feel so stupid for ever going down this road. I wish I'd never had an affair and never known what it was like to be with someone with whom I had amazing chemistry, got along with perfectly and shared such intimacy with.

Now that you know how unhappy and unfulfilled you are in your M, file for D. Because the path to being happy and fulfilled is to throw yourself 100% into reconciling with your H or leaving. And, because he is "clueless to the state of the M" (have you been lying to him?) - there is likely little chance he will up and realize the crisis in order to work on it too.

 

So file for D.

 

I just need to get this "ideal" man out of my head. At this point I'm emotionally divorced and I haven't the slightest clue how to begin again. How awful for my H to be the man I got stuck with instead of the man I wanted but I'm not sure he'd be any happier if I left. I know the kids would suffer unbelievably. I used to love him - it has to be in me somewhere to find it again.

The kids won;t suffer. Mine didn't. They are thriving and living healthy, happy lives - splitting between me and their mother. Yours will do the same.

 

And yeah, how awful that you "must" live with the H who doesn't meet your needs and he lives with a W who is clearly not emotionally into him.

 

Doesn't have to be that way. Invest in your M or leave.

The middle road really sucks because YOU WILL BE CHEATING AGAIN (because you haven't solved the actual problems in the M).

 

SO...you must choose NOW. Fight to reconcile or file for D.

 

As far as getting over the MOM...its like any other breakup. You cry, you grieve, you learn lessons and you move on.

[thissecretgirl]

Figuring my heart goes out to you! *hugs*

 

I am in somewhat of a similar position, particularly in terms of letting go and moving on.

 

To everyone else...you have given some fantastic advice and definitely some that I am going to take up. I also keep tabs on my xMM life looking for a glimmer of hope and this has made me realise how much I need to let that go and concentrate on building my life and healing.

[michee]

I am in the same boat as you. I am in love with my MM but have decided to go NC..without him knowing. We haven't been together as long as you and your MM but it still hurts. We met and were both head over heels with each other...both of us in marriages where we weren't in love. About a month in we both said we loved each other..actually he said it first. Anyways we had a few bumps in the road..nothing major but I kept seeing a pattern with him. He contacted me when he wanted and if I didn't respond he would ask why but if I ever said why haven't you contacted me he would respond as if I was needy. I read over and over on this site and others and everytime I read a story it is the same scenario. Eventually he broke it off once with me and I was hurt etc..and then he came back saying I won't leave my wife because of the kids but let's be FWB. How nice is that...I like you but not enough to want to be with you fulltime or forever. I finally decided to ignore his texts, calls and emails. There is a power in doing so and I know if I respone even once I will go back to square one with this person. I decided that if he wants to be with me he will do what's right to make that happen and if not that is what's meant to be. It is very painful but I do know that with time I will move on from the feelings of despair and longing for this person. Would love to chat with you if you like. I know exactly what you are feeling and going through.

[Breezy Trousers]

Great advice here.

 

I found reading "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra L. Brown to be very eye-opening. The words you've used to describe your relationship -- i.e., submission -- sound very characteristic. Who knows? ... Contrary to public opinion, psychopaths aren't serial killers and often never even get a ticket. They are people who often live normal lives but are highly sexed, charismatic, intense and uber-masculine. (They make normal men look like wet dish rags in comparison! lol) Even if the book doesn't fit, what Brown says is very informative for those having affairs. Saved me years in therapy and shock treatments! Maybe you'd find it to be helpful, too. Many therapists fail to touch on these issues, which is tragic. There's lots of incredibly helpful, eye-opening information on the internet by people who recognize this gap in the therapy community and are trying to plug the hole by sharing articles and their own experiences.

 

Anyway, knowledge is power. I don't believe anyone has affairs because they are BAD -- only because they are UNAWARE. The bad thing about being naive is that we don't realize that we're naive until we're no longer naive!

 

I think once you let go -- through counseling, education, awareness and TIME -- you will look back on these intense feelings and say, "WTF?!" I know I do now.... I was obsessed with a man for two years, but I gradually began seeing the truth of the situation and now can't believe that ugly old slimy man ever held any attraction for me! So these crushy/grieving feelings, too, will pass in time. You may even see your husband in a different light once you grow in detachment and awareness ... The problem with affairs is that things are so intense and so sporadic that you don't have that much time to see the true nature of things. You're already too involved, too quickly. That's why we read of so many painful crash & burns here.

Edited December 4, 2010 by Breezy Trousers