He lied to me about a one night stand, kept talking to her..idk !

[samadams]

Hey so I have a problem having to do w/ being lied to,& getting over the past.. So here's the story:

My current bf Chris & I met on myspace (dorky i know!) a while back.. He's from London, I was in NY..*

We chatted online for a few months when he told me he'd be in NJ for the summer of '07 & that he'd like to see NYC for a day & we should meet up so I could show him around. So we ended up meeting up for the day doing some sightseeing & had lots of fun!

We exchanged numbers & started becoming pretty close, texting each other every day. He even started to get quite flirty & I kinda started to like him too but I didn't wanna get attached cuz I knew he'd be going back to London.

We didn't end up meeting up again since he was mainly staying in NJ w/family, but @ the very end of the summer he told me he was going to Miami to meet w/ another myspace friend& go to a concert.

It was a girl he was meeting w/, so ofcourse I joked around w/ him & asked if he was only going over to get laid, & he right away said he wasn't like that, wasn't that type of guy at all, etc.

He spent 2 days there I think,& I asked him (jokingly!) if they ended up hooking up & he kept saying no & that he thought one night stands were the lowest you could get etc.

Moving on- he went back to London,& that September I started college. We kept in touch tho,& eventually started chatting on webcam. I think the longest chat we had literally lasted for 13hours! Seriously! And by around November of that year we were telling each other we loved each other,& I actually stayed single-during my freshman year of college- cuz I knew he was the guy I wanted to be with.

Because we met online,& he was over 3000 miles away, the only "portal" into his life was basically through his fb/myspace page.*

So when I saw random girls-including the one he met up w/ in Miami- write things like "hey handsome get online xx" and things like that, I obviously asked him who they were. Especially when he was telling me I was the only girl he was interested in.

The comments from random girls continued far into our relationship- we started "officially" dating in march of '09,& they continued until maybe October of last year?

Anyway. So we ended up going out finally, & he ended up moving from London to NYC a little over a year ago & things have actually been going way better than I couldve ever imagined.

But around a month ago I found out something about him that made me flip out.. I'm not sure how the conversation started since it hadnt been on my mind AT ALL.. But we were out drinking when he admitted to me that he actually did hook up w/ that girl when he went down to miami..

Now you might say "the past is the past, he's with you now" etc BUT he lied about this to me for a very long time & all I've ever asked him to be is honest with me,& he was telling me blatant lies to my face. I asked him a handful of times before (not constantly, but over the course of time it came up) if he'd ever had a one night stand & he always said no, he's not that type of guy, etc so to find out after all this time is really hard for me to deal with, I mean I honestly look at him differently.

ALSO, the past may be the past, but he did not keep her in the past. In fact I went to his myspace page once I found out & saw that they were exchanging comments around may of last year. (after we were dating).*

AND when I found out, he told me that he was "so ashamed" it happened that he just wanted to forget about her. Well it's common sense that you do not keep in touch w/ someone who you particularly want to "forget". The comments they would exchange would always get under my skin too, when we were chatting, cuz they were always flirty & at that time, he was telling me I was the only girl he wanted to be with,& yet he was still chatting it up w/ the other one.

So I asked him if he liked her/was it emotional & he didn't really give me a straight answer but in the end told me it wasn't anything emotional.*

(which means he was entertaining her.. Still not a good look!)

(Btw you might say there are things in my past which I regret but actually he's the guy I lost my virginity to so not really)*

And this isn't the first time something shady has gone on. When he first moved here last October, I was messing around on his phone/his fb (he knew I was btw)& there was this girl who he knew from home who kept writing him flirty comments so I asked who she was,& he said she was "psycho"& had a crush on him forever.

She asked him how it was going in NY so I wrote back saying "great I'm having fun w/my gf" and he got SO awkward about it! He was all like "why did you write that? Ahh now it's gonna be awkward" I was like, "uh why, cuz now she knows you have a gf?"

I went into his inbox as well (f*ck it) and I saw that he was writing her messages from the month before asking her for topless pics (she had just gotten a boob job) & asking her questions about her boobs,& asking her when they were gonna meet up to have sex! This happened,to remind you, about 6 months into our relationship.

He wriggled out of that one by saying it was "a joke" & all his friends from home "joke" w/ her like that.*

Well that was strike one, this thing he lied about is strike 2 and a half- I cannot stand liars & he's known that since day one.

I found this out about him a little over a month ago,& we talked about it,& he apologized over & over,& I accepted his apology & forgave him. But I haven't forgotten.

I don't WANT to be mad at him, I do not like fighting or being angry. Man I wish you knew me so you could know just how laid back & not jealous I am lol but recently this has been getting right under my skin & I dont know what to do anymore.*

We talked it through, I said I'd move on,& I thought I actually was getting over it, but I started thinking about it the other day & was becoming just as livid as the night I found out.

I mean did he think he was gonna get away with it or what? It was obvious they had a thing,& obvious he liked her back or else why would he have stayed in touch w/ her?

Anyway what are your thoughts on the whole thing,& what is your advice for me? She will always be a part of his past, nothing will change what he did, so I KNOW I need to get over it.. But damn it's hard..*

[lululucy]

Were his only indiscretion this one night stand with her in Miami, I would have said just find a way to let it go. But the fact that he continued to lie about it, even after you knew -- it just seems so strange. Nevermind asking for boob pics and all that .. I don't know how long you'd been dating (and I mean actually, in the same city dating) when that happened, but that is pretty much unacceptable once you're serious.

 

I think you need to ditch this guy and try to concentrate on yourself. Try dating around to get your mind off of him -- but if you are really set on working through this with him, you need to get both of you to a counsellor and try to get the truth (the WHOLE truth) in the open so you can deal with it.

[aerogurl87]

Dump the loser and move on. He's a liar and probably a cheat as well. No one jokes about meeting up for sex while requesting pictures of someone's breasts.

[samadams]

hey guys, thanks for the advice so far.. I'm 50/50 on the "dumping" him thing.. I mean he left his job, family & friends to move to NY to be with me and thats a huge deal. He's always been a great bf & I know he would really do ANYTHING for me, & it complicates the situation..

If he weren't that great of a guy, he wouldve been gone by now, believe me. I know he made a mistake in his past, I get that he had a life before me. But it pisses me off to no end that he LIED to me about it straight to my face when I asked him.. It bothers me that I was "serious" about being with him since day one & he kept chatting/being flirty w/ someone he had sex with well into our relationship :/ and then he had the nerve to tell me he just wanted to forget all about her?? HA.. Like I said, you don't stay in contact w/ someone you want to forget..

I was on his fb now looking at some of his pics & noticed that girl was commenting on them last january, that is less than a year ago. They may just be pic comments but it meant they were still fb friends. so when is it that he finally decided to "de-friend" her? I mean that in both the fb term and just in real life.

I cant help but think he was actually really into her and for all those months (before he moved to NY) he was telling me he loved me & still chatting it up w/ someone else, that is something I would've never expected from him.