I moved in with my BF and 5 days later he asked me to move out!!!

[headstillspinning]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have been reading through your stories for the past week and have finally decided to post my own. As you can see from my name, my head is still spinning over my break up with my boyfriend. I want to share my story and hopefully gain some insight from others. I am sorry it's so long…..he we go:

 

We met online 6 months ago. We just "clicked" immediately. Felt like we had known each other for years. I (26 years old) have a seven year old son from a previous relationship and he (31 years old) is divorced (no kids). We both felt that our broken paths had lead us to each other. We fell in love very quickly. That being said, I was still very guarded as I had been so badly hurt in the past by my son's father. He was a very patient man and accepted that it would take some time before I could fully open up to him. We had some bumps in the road, but nothing too major. I met his family, he met mine and became an active role in my son's life. Everything was going so perfect, he asked me to move in with him. At first I was hesitant, but I agreed as I felt like he was "the one". I gave two months' notice as I was renting at the time, and was set to move in by the end of September.

 

Late August, he lied to me about a conversation with a woman on Facebook. It was seemingly innocent enough, but when she asked him what was new in his life, he mentioned the fact that he had moved but didn't mention me or my son. He then went on to ask this other woman if she was seeing anyone. It appeared to me as if he were trying to keep his options open. As my son's father used to talk to women online, it sent panic right through me. I waited a few days, but ultimately decided to ask him about it. He told me this woman was his cousin. I later found out that she was not his cousin and actually a woman he met online as well. I was furious, but he assured me that she meant nothing to him and it was an innocent conversation with a friend. It took me about a week to calm down, but I decided to work it out with him. I should also mention that during this time, my son's father noticed I wasn't wearing the ring that my "ex" had given me and tried to kiss me. I was very vulnerable and kissed him back for a second until I realized what I was doing. I told my ex about this when I decided to work it out with him, and he forgave me. We went to a few counseling sessions to get some advice on how to communicate our way through the lie. The next month was rocky as I was very distant, but I still loved him so much and wanted to get through it. I was able to extend my lease for another month while we worked through the lie. Which brings us to October….

 

We went to Europe on a vacation for 10 days in an attempt to reconnect. The vacation was a disaster…..one night we both got very drunk and got into an argument. He was being verbally assaulting to me (which he had never been before), and after he had called me names four times, I hit him in his face. I can barely remember this happening, and I was so remorseful for my actions the next day. Despite this, we both said how stupid we had been and how much we loved each other and wanted to be together. A few days later, he said he was having second thoughts and I had to be out of my apartment in less than two weeks. He went back and forth quite a bit. One day, he wanted us and the next day he didn't. I was prepared to put my stuff in storage and move on with my life when he said that he wanted me to move in after all and was just scared of getting hurt, but the pain of not having me and my son in his life is far worse than the thought of getting hurt…..

 

So we moved in, and 5 days later he said he made a mistake. I asked him to give it some time as he appeared to be confused and had been very stressed at his job. During the next week, he was very short with me and cut off all physical contact. He said he was trying to want to try but was having a hard time getting past the "abusive episode"….and now he was also bringing up every other thing that had ever happened in the course of our relationship, including the fact that my son's father had kissed me.

 

On November 5 we had plans to go out to dinner. He took the afternoon off because he was feeling stressed. When I got home he was laying on the couch. He was being very short with me and seemed irritated. I asked him if he wanted to cancel dinner, to which he replied "why do I always have to over think everything". I explained that he seemed annoyed with me and I was simply giving him the opportunity to opt out if that's what he wanted. I tried to explain how I'd been feeling lately and he cut me off mid sentence and said "do we have to f******g talk about this again?". I was obviously offended and we got into an argument. He got up to leave, and I told him that if he left, I wouldn't be there when he got back….he left and I packed and went to my parent's house. The next day he sent me a TEXT message saying "I've left for my parent's house and won't be back until tomorrow evening. I can't do this anymore and I think you're done too. Please make arrangements this month. We need to stop hurting each other." It's been 8 days since I last heard from him. He is leaving to go to Mexico on Wednesday, and I have plans to pick up my stuff on Saturday. I am so heartbroken and disturbed that he would do this to me and my son. We changed our whole lives to start a life together. I wonder if he is interested in someone else and just doesn't have the balls to say it? It's just so confusing that he begged me to move in….bought me flowers, a card, and a gift only 5 days before asking me to move out. My son is devastated as am I. I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. I know that we were both wrong to argue the way we did and let it escalate to that level, but I feel this is a tad extreme given how much we wanted to be together. He said he loves me, but is so hurt and empty that he is unable to be IN love with me anymore. I even offered to go to anger management, stop drinking alcohol, and go to counseling to try to work through it and he declined. Can a man's feelings really turn off that quickly? One other piece of information that is interesting is that his marriage only lasted a year. He said that once the moved in together, they started arguing all the time and that was it. Any thoughts are appreciated.

[cerridwen]

headstillspinning,

Good...LORD! What a roller coaster!

I understand you're hurting.

But, you have all the answers (or most of them) about this situation. You met a louse. There were red flags which you may now see waving.

"he lied to me about a conversation with a woman on Facebook."

"he mentioned the fact that he had moved but didn't mention me or my son"

"He told me this woman was his cousin. I later found out that she was not his cousin"

"he said he was having second thoughts and I had to be out of my apartment in less than two weeks. He went back and forth quite a bit."

"he begged me to move in….bought me flowers, a card, and a gift only 5 days before asking me to move out."

"his marriage only lasted a year. He said that once the moved in together, they started arguing all the time and that was it"

 

All couples have problems and you offered to approach yours maturely (I even offered to go to anger management, stop drinking alcohol, and go to counseling to try to work through it and he declined). Have peace about that and see HIS answer was to run.

Edited November 15, 2010 by cerridwen

[headstillspinning]

I know it seems like he is a louse, and perhaps I'm lying to myself for thinking otherwise. I mean this man showered me with love and affection. Flowers, gifts, jewellery, poetry...you name it, I got it. When he lied to me about the conversation on Facebook, he suggested we go to counselling and he even paid for my rent that month because I decided to extend my lease one month while we worked on things. He seemed genuinely interested in me and my son. He is the one who pushed for us to move in together. I mean it's possible the fight in Europe sent him over the edge, but when I think about the extent to which he was willing to fight for this relationship after he made a mistake, I can't help but wonder why he didn't want to give me the same chance if he loved me as much as he said he did. The last time I saw him, he was very mean and unloving. Said horrible, hurtful things. He even said he and his ex-wife got along better than we do and looked me straight in the face without a shred of emotion and said "im sorry you're hurting, but i'm not sorry for the relationship". I'm hurting so bad. I just can't wrap my head around it.

Edited November 15, 2010 by headstillspinning
update.

[AlisaMarie]

I don't know... someone responded to my story and mentioned borderline personality disorder. It really made me see that my problems with an ex wasn't me... it really was him. Here is the a link to the article he shared with me. It really hit home. Let me know if this helps.

http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

[cerridwen]

That combination of being loving/kind/generous one day only to then be hateful & selfish the next, seems to be what gets to people most. It's what causes the most hurt and confusion. It's like, how do I get you to treat me kindly again? Why did you yank that away and replace it with this sh*tty treatment?! What was my misstep? How can I get that back?

[headstillspinning]

Thanks AlisaMarie,

 

I don't think my ex has BPD. He is a very successful, intelligent man who is a little overemotional at times, but for the most part he seemed like a normal guy. After he lied to me, I was a little harsh for a few weeks. I think I was testing his love for me. In the end he was treating me way worse than I ever had treated him and he seemed to be enjoying it. Like it was some sort of revenge for him, as sad as that sounds. I am not an abusive person. In fact, I was in an abusive relationship with my son's father for years and wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I am truly ashamed by my actions and so very very sorry. I feel like it's my fault that my son doesn't have a "new house" anymore, or any house for that matter. I know what I did was wrong, but I won't ever understand why he asked me to move in only to ask me to move out. I wonder if he gets off on this ****.

[ReturnToSender]

My head is spinning too! That really was a whirlwind, and Im sorry that you and your son had to go through that. One can never be 100% sure, but I know that I want to make as sure as possible that Im making the right choice where my daughter is involved.

 

My ex and I were looking to move in together after wed been seeing each other a year and I can say that first year was nothing less than perfect...I had zero hesistation or doubts about him. Until. He mentioned he would keep his condo...for business reasons. Yeah, I did not like that, it turned into what would be our first fight ever, and the plans to move in together were chucked. He still came back to the idea a few times, but I didnt want to I was too freaked out at this point. Good thing too...

 

I know now, unless a guy has proposed to marry me, and we are at that point where we are going to be together, no doubts or hesitations, then thats the only time I would have it and move myself and my daughter in with someone. Cause Im not the only one who feels the heartbreak...kiddo does too.

[headstillspinning]

That combination of being loving/kind/generous one day only to then be hateful & selfish the next, seems to be what gets to people most. It's what causes the most hurt and confusion. It's like, how do I get you to treat me kindly again? Why did you yank that away and replace it with this sh*tty treatment?! What was my misstep? How can I get that back?

 

I totally agree. I was fine putting my stuff into storage and getting on with my life. I had accepted that I made a mistake and was prepared to suffer the consequences for my actions. What I don't understand is why he went out of his way to perform this grand romantic gesture with flowers, card, gift, 1000 kisses and hugs...telling me our life together is going to be wonderful this and that and beg me to move in only to tell me he had made a mistake. It's a mind **** to say the least.

Edited November 15, 2010 by headstillspinning

[KraftDinner]

You guys have only been together 6 months and already:

 

- you have hit him

- you have kissed someone else

- he has been verbally abusive

- you have broken up

 

I have been with my fella for over 8 years and not once have we ever done ONE of those things. And we are far from perfect.

 

Dude... you and he are not meant to be.