How do I start over, how can I trust again?

[Mylonelybones]

We met online 5 years ago. we met in person two years ago. Me not having a father and being raised by single mom have always wanted marriage, a home and children. He was the most handsome, attentive, romantic, caring guy ever. He swept me off my feet with compliments, calls, he took me to meet his family in different cities back in my home country. I did noticed he had a pattern o breaking up with me and coming back asking for forgiveness once i stopped contact. I didn't think much of it. He is 9 years younger than me (initially he told me 4, a friend later confessed he had lied) but he looks and def used to act a lot more mature. I blamed me this pattern on immaturity.

 

I moved to Miami to be with him, he again broke up with me three weeks later. He comes back asking for forgiveness saying he'd only gotten scared he proposes, it's like a dream come true to me I said yes. We married in February, small wedding at the beach (my mom and brother were totally against it bust still attended) It was the beginning of my dream ...not

 

He's 20 I'm 29. He said he was going to start going to school, later on I found out he hadn't even graduated high school (he dropped out of high school) I have a BA. I knew he smoked pot (never around me as I don't like it for myself) I didn't know he smoked 24/7 for the past six years, would not give it up for his mom, got his ex gf to smoke with him, argue with me all the time over it (would never choose me over pot either) He had a really strange relationship with his mom who needed to know his every move and criticized our every choice. She claimed she love me but I knew better. He was crazy jealous. He could be very sweet at times, and talk about our future children and how much he loved me, he'd surprise me, take care of me, we'd have great sex, sometimes I really felt like his princess.... Most of the time I just felt he really didn't love me.

 

We "broke u with me" several times during the marriage and not having any family or friends I was forced to live with me, sleeping in the same bed as a "separate couple" he'd go out Id cry, he'd call me a drama queen, his mom would call me a drama queen. His mood changed all the time, and no matter what it was always my fault. he took his ring off, put it back on, take it off again (his mom gave him condoms to prevent him for getting girls pregnant and was so kind to inform me about it) I started resenting him and his mother so we fought a lot. I got depressed, worked insane hours at a restaurant, I started drinking by myself. I was feeling like s**** self seem down the toilet, he couldn't care less. He lost his job, I payed for everything, even one time he wanted to go to **** one festival he asked me for 100 and got angry, calling me names because I wouldn't give him the money.

 

Finally I got a job, a room in a nice apartment and moved out. His mom convinced him I had slept with other men while I was still living with him (up until this day and since the day I met him I haven't even kissed another guy) He showed up a devastated, we had awesome sex.. I was hooked again. I got pregnant, he couldn't cope, he said he wanted to party, that I wasn't as fun anymore, that he needed more sex than I was giving him. I found out he was texting with a girl he had met. I found out he did almost the same things to his ex gf that he had done to me, I found he kept naked pictures of his ex gf.. Again I tried talking to him about it but he said I was pure drama. I started feeling it was all my fault If had had never asked him to quit pot, if I had not mind his mood swings, if I had just put up with his mom, if I had been all sweet and peaches.

 

He said he was done, that we were just not meant to be. I asked him to leave. The company I was working for closed I was out of job. I cried for ten days straight he wouldn't even call to ask about the pregnancy... He had moved on. His mom asked me to meet her, they (her and her son) have decided that I should go back to my home country have my pregnancy time there and come back to deliver the baby in the US... I wanted to slap her in her face. Ok, I said, so I let him have his bachelor's apartment while i am pregnant by myself, and when I come back and he's already with someone else, where are me and the baby suppose to live? She call me drama queen again and said t trust he'd help me. He cares about none but himself, how can I trust him? He's disrespected me, put me down and walked away when I was 8 weeks pregnant...he just doesn't care.

 

I turned to my mom and brother and although sad (mom specially) they both advice me to get an abortion. I loved my baby I really did, and respect whatever opinions people might have about abortions but mine was a decision made out of love. My brother asked me to come to New York where he lives to have the procedure there. I called my ex husband and ask him to please re consider wht he's doing and give us and the baby a chance, he says I'll be there for my kid... I know he's just incapable of loving. I had an abortion almost three weeks ago and cry myself about it still, I lved my baby to the point were I knew he deserved better than that. He texted me that day to say I'm sorry,no contact after that at all. This week he is in a relationship in fb with this woman. we have even divorced yet. He doesn't care

 

Did he ever care?

Was it my fault? I feel I could had just done something different?

I was a successful 28 year-old social communicator, beautiful, confident, strong.. Where did all of that go?

I am now in my home country taking a break from all of this, I have blocked him in fb, msn, he doesn't even know where I am and I know he doesn't care.. his in love again now

I REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM, but I have no idea what to do next. I can't stay in my home country because there are not job options here, yet my residency in the US depends on my marriage to him (him and his mom swore they would help me with that until the end- How can I even trust them)

I want to focus on me, but don't know how, I can't sleep or eat... I feel so bad

I don't love him nor do I want him back but I can't comprehend how he was such an ******* to me (a mama's boy? a narcissist? a player? a drug addict? All of them?)

 

My therapist says she can't believe how strong I have been. she says I should get ready for my new life in NYC, get a job, write (which is what I do best) take care of me, be ready to be a great mom and make room for an imperfect man whom I will love and will love me as imperfect as I am but it's not emotionally detached like my ex.... yes this is logic sounds reasonable, but in practice I feel like I have lost me, my trust in men, my dream of marriage... I feel sad, devastated, empty, unattractive I feel I have wasted two years of my life and now doubt I was no more than a toy to him, he hurt me and didn't acknowledge he did... At 29, how do I start over?

 

I know it was long, I just had to let it all out..thanks for reading

[Don Ho]

Lots of your emotions have to do with the fact that you did not have a Dad and your issues around that. Continue with your therapy and work on it. Funny thing about humans, we tend to forget the pain after a while and we try love again. You'll meet the right guy.