Thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend (mostly) selflessly

[sfl]

I just don't know what to do any more!

 

I love her so much and have got into a (worrying) state of mind where unless I'm with her I can't be happy, but I'm like... she's making way too many compromises for me; getting way behind with her work, thinking of giving up so we can be together more (it's an LDR at present), giving up large parts of her social life and lots of other things.

 

But also for myself too. The fact I am in that state of mind, the fact I don't like being so far apart, and more than anything the fact I'm constantly worrying whether or not I'm holding her back.

 

It's quite sad cos I can genuinely see us being together in 50 years (never felt like that before) and she feels the same, but with the circumstances the way they are right now I'm just kinda fed up of constantly feeling bad.

 

Any suggestions? :/ Thank you

[sfl]

But fuuuuuuuck I don't want to lose her, ahh! My mind is all over the place right now, sorry.

[strangeways]

Have you actually talked to her about these worries you have?

[sfl]

Have you actually talked to her about these worries you have?

Yeah, but she thinks I'm just being silly. Today she only scraped through her course, not through any lack of talent, ability or motivation, but because she was so unprepared because she came to see me this weekend.

 

Next week will be the same when I go to stay, and I know she'll feel bad (although she shouldn't) if she just leaves me to it and gets on with her work, and I'll inadvertently be a distraction anyway. She also works solidly and has lots of late nights in the week (as well as a brief Skype chat to me most, if not every night) that means she can never go out with her friends, every time she gets asked out she's either too busy because of me, or doesn't want to go because we have different tastes and she doesn't want to drag me somewhere she thinks I wouldn't enjoy (even though I'd like to go anyway).

 

Just thinks like that. She's constantly compromising for me and it isn't fair. I know it's silly that I'm the one worrying about it too, but it really, really bugs me that she's having to push herself so hard or is missing out on so much because of me.

Edited November 15, 2010 by sfl

[czen]

I wouldn't break off the relationship, but I do think she should spend more time on her work if she truly has a difficult time keeping up with it. Also, iff you break it off, she might even become so sad that she won't be able to do much work at all.

 

I'd like to know though:

How long is this relationship going to stay in this long distance form?

[Cee]

I wouldn't worry so much about it. Your girlfriend lacks time management skills, but that's pretty normal for a lot of people. Let her worry about her workload and her schedule. People who procrastinate often prefer to work under time pressure. If she thinks you are being silly with her concerns, trust her.

 

As I write this, I am procrastinating on a project. It's not your fault that I'm on LS instead of doing my project. It's my responsibility.

[sfl]

I wouldn't break off the relationship, but I do think she should spend more time on her work if she truly has a difficult time keeping up with it. Also, iff you break it off, she might even become so sad that she won't be able to do much work at all.

Thanks, that's a very good point actually, especially the last bit, I didn't even think of that! I agree about her work too, but she's so happy at the thought of seeing me every weekend (we're booked up until Christmas!) and always gets excited to speak to me every night and a quick 2 minute chat sometimes turns into two hours, ahh! Maybe I need to be firmer?

 

I'd like to know though:

How long is this relationship going to stay in this long distance form?

3 years. She had a week where she had all but decided she'd come back at the end of the first year (for what it's worth I never once encouraged this, and told her to stay on!) but after a chat with her dad changed her mind. I'm happy in a way but pretty gutted in another...

[quankanne]

it can be done – my husband and I are living proof, as we were in the same situation 20 years ago, but he was working in the Middle East and I was in Texas ...

 

first off: Is this the person you see a future with? Not just the fun, "we're gonna live happy ever after" crap, but all those things that pop up when kids come along, when finances are tight ... when your health starts to go? In other words, is she worth a long-haul commitment? If the answer's no, then it might just be best to break it off so that your school work doesn't suffer, because at this point, it's the most important thing you've got going in your life, and once you get it successfully out of the way, you can focus on other stuff.

 

secondly: If this is the long-haul commitment you both want, it's time to set priorities. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to focus on school so that you can get it out of the way as quickly as possible so that you can fully be together. Maybe you two need to cut back the visits to once a month, rather than every other weekend so that she can focus on her schoolwork and not be sidetracked by you coming or her going to see you. Not meant to be harsh, but to point out that it *can* be done even if it feels like a sacrifice, but knowing that this "sacrifice" isn't a long-term thing.

 

if you love each other, seeing each other twice a month isn't going kill you, but it *will* help you get other priorities taken care of so that you can focus on each other when you're together and not have an "oopsy" moment come up because you blew off school work. And to be honest, it'll give you both more breathing space because then you can socialize a bit more, even if it's just to have coffee with a friend once a week – that stuff is important, even though you both seem happy to focusing solely on each other ...

 

third: cut back on the instant communication and give each other space. I understand what it's like to miss your honey, but I'm a firm believer in giving a relationship space so that it can develop a bit more naturally than like a burning blaze that's all or nothing. Set up one or two times a week where you Skype, email and call a couple times a week ... or, go old school and simply send her a card or letter. Trust me, as horrific as it may sound to a young adult, there's a something about getting a card/letter in the mail from your honey every so often because it gives you time to reflect, rather than obsess the way people tend to do with their constant texting and calling and emailing. You're not going to die without each other if you don't adhere to instant communication, you'll just grow up some in the sense that you start to see that a relationship CAN work if you take things slowly.

 

again, I know what it's like to miss someone who is long distance, but kid, you're killing me here!

[sfl]

Posting quickly from my phone - I think I have a lot of issues, mostly insecurities and also get jealous for absolutely no reason that aren't helping matters either. I feel I'm not ready for a relationship in that regard but if I'm single I'm never going to get over them.

 

Thisll sound lame but right now I can kinda see me spending the rest of my life with this girl, ahhhhh.. But is it fair I put her through this too?

[qinboxmail]

Posting quickly from my phone - I think I have a lot of issues, mostly insecurities and also get jealous for absolutely no reason that aren't helping matters either. I feel I'm not ready for a relationship in that regard but if I'm single I'm never going to get over them.

 

Thisll sound lame but right now I can kinda see me spending the rest of my life with this girl, ahhhhh.. But is it fair I put her through this too?

 

Why dont' you move there with here?

[sfl]

@ Cee - Hmm, you're right, but I think the problem is she does have a huge workload, as opposed to just procrastination, but who knows... you are right though that it's something maybe I should let her worry over and I should just make the most of when I can see or speak to her (2 hours on Skype tonight again, ahhh!)

 

@ quankanne - 20 years! Very impressive I know it'll seem crazy considering I started this thread, but I really hope we'll be together that long (and then some) too. I love her so much, she's absolutely perfect for me, it's just the situation I don't like really...

 

She's definitely something I see long term though, I'm not the sort of person to be with someone unless I see it as a long term thing really, especially all the hassle associated with LDRs...

 

And you're right on the other stuff. I don't know, it kinda sucks for me though, I do have a great life here and could keep busy on the weekends without seeing her but I really don't want to. I can quite easily get everything I need to get done on week nights (including play/watch sports, go out with friends etc if I can be bothered) and still see her, which for me is ideal. But I know what you're saying about her work - I suggested we see each other once a fortnight and she wasn't too keen, hmm.

 

Regarding the communication, I think you're right but it's kinda hard, we text each other a lot and she's said many times she'd like if possible to speak to me every night on Skype (I just got a web cam especially tooo) so it's kinda... I don't know, I love talking to her as it helps me miss her a little bit less too, think she feels the same - we're lost causes huh?

 

@ ginbox - I could, but I have probably the best job I'm ever going to get in my life right now, I've also just purchased and done up a 4 bed house, and I kinda like it here where my friends and family live (and hers too...) and I kinda hate city she's in, so honestly it's a lot to give up, but I really haven't ruled out the option, and if I had no other choice I'd do it.

[Coolsbreeze]

I wouldn't break off the relationship, but I do think she should spend more time on her work if she truly has a difficult time keeping up with it. Also, iff you break it off, she might even become so sad that she won't be able to do much work at all.

 

I'd like to know though:

How long is this relationship going to stay in this long distance form?

 

 

I agree my ex broke up with me at a horrible time. She did it right at the start of school in September and it really has been a hellish semester. I was late with handing in many assignments and i did very badly on a few tests. I was just too heartbroken and focussed on the past relationship to actually focus on schoolwork.

[sfl]

Thanks again guys, I think maybe that's not a bad way of me to look at it - I feel I am messing up her work, but I'm pretty sure she'd be as messed up over it as I would be if we broke it off, and with high pressure stuff and deadlines that's the absolute last thing she'd need! That thought kinda makes me happy, that staying with her (which is of course what I want to do anyway) is definitely for the best

[sfl]

Just to pick up on something that quankanne said, I think this is part of the problem for me, that I'm generally not a very sociable person at all - I have some amazing friends but I'm quite lazy/apathetic when it comes to going out. This'll sound terrible but I genuinely had a nicer night speaking to my girl for a bit on Skype (whilst doing some work and other bits of course) than I would have done had I gone out to a gig I was supposed to with my friends, ahh... that's pretty bad right?

[sfl]

Really fed up, again. I swing from super happy to super depressed at the drop of a hat. Maybe I should hit the self improvement forum? If I carry on like this either I'm going to end it and regret it, or just keep pushing the issue until she eventually gets fed up anyway...

[Sante]

I feel a lot like you and its the most awful feeling. I am contemplating ending my relationship for similar reasons and I am not dealing with it very well. Communication is the key have u tried discussing or writing a letter?

[sfl]

Yeah I do talk to her about it, idk, LDRs ****ing suck which is getting me down right now too.

 

(edit) ahhh! Sorry :/

Edited November 16, 2010 by sfl