Tell me your positive stories...I need the boost right now.

[Fern]

Suffered a bit of a setback this weekend. Saw my ex of 3.5 months (together 6 years) out with his new GF - the girl we split up over him cheating on me with. She's nearly ten years younger than me and much prettier. I didn't do anything to embarrass myself. I just ignored them both completely and got TRASHED with my friends. But I feel terrible today still. I suppose I've been convincing myself they wouldn't last but they seemed really happy together and in love. And now I feel awful. I should never have gone to that bar. I knew there was a chance they'd be there. I was doing really well and now I feel awful again. I couldn't even go to work this morning.

 

Would those of you who have managed to get over your exes or had real breakthroughs mind sharing some of those positive stories here? I'd really appreciate hearing from people who have come through this. I want to hear stories about getting over them. I feel, right now, like I'm never going to be OK with this as long as he's still with her. Tell me it gets better.

Edited November 15, 2010 by Fern
mistake

[AlisaMarie]

Aww this sucks! Rule number one, do not go where you know your ex even might be! You don't want to see him with anyone else, it hurts! Even if you have to go a little further and a new hangout. Even if your ex was there without his new girl you probably would have still felt bad, or even worse, ended up going home with him.

 

I think everyone reading these posts probably have nothing positive to say right now. I am here trying to figure out a way to get my ex out of my head and mind. It's been two weeks and it hurts so much, but I am crying less so I guess I am taking baby steps.

 

After 3 months of being apart you should be starting to accept that the relationship is over, unless in between you had contact and meet-ups. Dragging stuff out surely puts a damper on the healing process. Six years is a long time to be with somebody. I wish I had something positive to tell you, but we are probably all here for the same reason.

 

If you find yourself not being able to function, take a break on yourself. Read some self help books, go to the gym or for a walk to burn off your stress, but don't let him control you. You have to start working on you! You are right when you said it takes time, but it also takes self motivation. Don't worry about what his new gf looks like or how old she is. That is only making your self esteem fall. Just because he is with her doesn't mean that she is better than you! Keep your head up and I hope you are feeling better soon.

[quankanne]

my first boyfriend, who was much older than me, was a real man-pig, but naive little country girl that I was, thought I had to be the good girlfriend and put up with it, because that's what you're supposed to do.

 

looking back, I think he felt he had to give me some kind of crash course in how to be in a "grown up" relationship, because he'd share stuff that had no business in our relationship. But what really killed me was that he went on and on and on and on about the one who got away. How she was so beautiful because she was a redhead, how perfect she was, blah blah even though she really sounded like the kind of gal who knew how to use her looks to her advantage to get guys to do whatever she wanted.

 

about a year after he broke up with me, his mom told me he was marrying this girl, then later said she wasn't happy about it, because Red was separated from her husband but sleeping with her son and ended up getting pregnant so she rushed through a divorce to marry her son. At some point, my ex and Red divorced, but I didn't find out later from his mom that Red had divorce papers lined up to go the minute their baby was born, she only wanted to be married long enough to give the baby his name.

 

okay, so it's probably not the BEST happy story out there – or the one you needed to hear – but it just goes to show, men can be real idiots because they'll blow off perfectly decent women so they can land some fantasy bxtch who treats them like crap.

[Green]

There is more then physical beauty to a woman and believe me if this guy broke your heart he will break more hearts including his own. Time will heal your wounds if you can just magage to hang in there by going to the gym and taking walks and eating healthy and drinking lots of water ... with time you will start to feel better and a new guy will come into your life and show you feelings you didn't know you had. So for now just clear you mind avoid seeing or thinking about him. Work out, eat clean and entertain yourself with fun activities like theme parks, movies, games ect. ect. You got this

[Theforgottenmelody]

sorry you had to go through that. but the truth is we all will at some point. I to am where you are and it hurts. but there is something i learned through all of this is that. true/unconditional love doesnt have money,age, rational,face,body nice car or any of the things people use in there decision to break another persons heart. That love stands alone and cannot be swayed or corrupted. People are driven by idealism not people themselves. love yourself cause you can do that unconditionally and somebody else will too! good luck

[Trovador]

With due respect, I don't know why people get so upset when learning their exes have moved on or are dating again... did they wanted the ex to stay stuck in the past like themselves?

 

That's selfish... plainly... next thing you are going to blame your ex for your unhappiness...

 

I don't think you should hide in a cave in order to grow out of your past relationship, far or near, if you are still carrying your ex on your shoulders (not the best methapor, I know) you'll never find peace... better to start trying to live live at its fullest and sooner than later you'll find that you are not just trying but doing it actually...

[Fern]

With due respect, I don't know why people get so upset when learning their exes have moved on or are dating again... did they wanted the ex to stay stuck in the past like themselves?

 

That's selfish... plainly... next thing you are going to blame your ex for your unhappiness...

 

I don't think you should hide in a cave in order to grow out of your past relationship, far or near, if you are still carrying your ex on your shoulders (not the best methapor, I know) you'll never find peace... better to start trying to live live at its fullest and sooner than later you'll find that you are not just trying but doing it actually...

 

I'm upset not because he has 'moved on' but because he was there with the same girl he was cheating on me with. If it were ANYONE else I'd have had a much easier reaction.

 

As for the rest of those platitudes you spouted 'start trying to live life at its fullest' - who says I haven't been? What PRACTICAL, USEFUL advice on how to do that do you have to impart? You know nothing about me or about my situation. If you don't have anything helpful/useful - or just plain NOT HURTFUL to say, please don't bother posting on my threads. Cheers for making me feel worse.

[Cee]

Fern, I think you are a success story. You are moving on from a 6 year relationship. Seeing your ex with his new love would throw anybody for a loop. Being depressed for a few days shows that you have maintained your humanity and are moving along well with the grieving process.

 

When I look back on my successes in getting over someone, some of my "best" memories are how I endured the pain. I can't believe how strong I was and how much I've grown up.

 

If you keep tracking your emotional progress through the grieving process, you will be amazed at how well you are doing. Think back to the week after you broke up to now. Do you see a difference? I bet you do.

[Hhhh]

With due respect, I don't know why people get so upset when learning their exes have moved on or are dating again... did they wanted the ex to stay stuck in the past like themselves?

 

That's selfish... plainly... next thing you are going to blame your ex for your unhappiness...

 

I don't think you should hide in a cave in order to grow out of your past relationship, far or near, if you are still carrying your ex on your shoulders (not the best methapor, I know) you'll never find peace... better to start trying to live live at its fullest and sooner than later you'll find that you are not just trying but doing it actually...

 

This is a supportive forum what kind of post is that?

[broken-and-lost]

Fern, not sure if this will help but i'm in a similar boat at the moment and i ran into the ex on a night out hurt like hell, i have had 3 very serious relationships and i thought my life was over when they ended. This is my 4th and it hurts the most but i have gotten over the other 3 in time i'm guessing this will be no different tho i am tired of it and the pain it brings i'll no doubt in time start again with an open heart and hope for the best

[Trovador]

ok, girls, despite I said "with due respect" you take this as something personal... I am just another voice on the Internet saying what I think not what you wish to hear and if this is your way of reacting to a post... oh, well, it's not worth

 

ok, keep suffering like this, it's your choice...

[Fern]

ok, girls, despite I said "with due respect" you take this as something personal... I am just another voice on the Internet saying what I think not what you wish to hear and if this is your way of reacting to a post... oh, well, it's not worth

 

ok, keep suffering like this, it's your choice...

 

 

I didn't ask for your 'advice' (though 'attack' might be a better word for it) - I asked for positive stories. And prefacing an insult with 'all due respect' doesn't make it any less of an insult. You're a boor. Stop replying to my thread please.

 

The rest of you - thank you. It all helps. I'm grateful for your kind words and your stories. More than you can know. There's only so much friends and family can say.

[coltsfan1]

I ran into my ex last week to the day with the married man she was cheating on me with. I felt bad for a bit but I began to think about what all she has given up to sleep with this man. A quality group of friends, a stand up boyfriend, and an opportunity to have a VERY grounded solid family. Then I began to laugh not at her expense but at how young and foolish she must truly be to not see the bigger picture!! Hope this helps!!

[Eternity001]

I don't have any stories I can think of off hand but I have one question.

 

You didn't go to this bar witht he slight hope of seeing this man did you?

 

You're doing well though, I read your story a couple of weeks ago and all power to you I say.

 

This is just a minor setback, besides, you said you got "TRASHED" which is good and also means you would have been hungover, so you took the day off for that... we've all done that before. Some of us many times

[Am4Real]

Suffered a bit of a setback this weekend. Saw my ex of 3.5 months (together 6 years) out with his new GF - the girl we split up over him cheating on me with. She's nearly ten years younger than me and much prettier. I didn't do anything to embarrass myself.

 

.....

 

Tell me it gets better.

 

Fern, Fern, Fern…you went to a bar/hangout where there was a chance he might be. Ah girl, you know better than that…lesson learned, right?

 

I am so sorry the sight of him in the company of the new girlfriend set you back; I think it is perfectly understandable considering you have not totally healed.

 

You know…the happy story you are hoping to read will eventually be your own, it really will, although it’s going to take some time and some focus from you on yourself before you will become indifferent to the past.

 

I’ve gone through the pain like you and so many others.

 

I was able to keep a personal diary of my emotions and each day or even multiple times per day I would record what I was thinking or feeling, or what I would do if I would encounter my EX (from the time) or what would I like to say. The more I wrote it down the more bored I became with the situation and after about three months of constant attention to my diary, I took less interest in the past.

 

The therapeutic effect of those writings was enormous. Within days after reaching that boredom stage I seemed to become totally indifferent to those feelings and thoughts of the past. I’ll be honest and tell you it took the better part of a half-year more to leave my mind totally, but it was those three months of recording my daily emotions that helped me make such encouraging gains.

 

I believe transferring your thoughts to paper, the computer or wherever or however you decide to record them helps flush your mind of the constant thinking and replaying of the past. It really worked for me.

 

I thought I would share and hope it can help you some way.

 

Best wishes,

 

Am4Real

[Fern]

Fern, Fern, Fern…you went to a bar/hangout where there was a chance he might be. Ah girl, you know better than that…lesson learned, right?

 

I know. :-( I really didn't expect seeing them to have such a huge effect on me. I'd been feeling so much better recently.

 

I just learned today that he's taking her to a gig next week that I've had tickets for for 2 months. My flatmate got them to me for my birthday. Should I sell the tickets? One of my other friends (who split with her husband 9 months ago) says I might surprise myself - she thinks that Saturday night might be the band-aid ripped off. She reckons that I'm not going to feel THIS bad about seeing them next time. I don't know what to do. I don't want to have to live my life avoiding him forever. It's not going to be possible.

 

What do you all think? Sell the tickets? I really don't want to.

[melenkurion]

I don't know Fern, are you certain you'd be really able to enjoy it with him there? I don't see that it's a forgone conclusion that each encounter will be "better" than the one before. The fact that you are both wanting to be there suggests the band might have some meaning to both of you. There's a chance that might make you feel bad?

 

Only you can know for sure, of course. There is a chance the bandaid thing could be right.

[Am4Real]

I don't know what to do. I don't want to have to live my life avoiding him forever. It's not going to be possible.

 

What do you all think? Sell the tickets? I really don't want to.

 

 

 

Fern,

 

I’m afraid I can’t answer that question for you because only you know your own thresholds on emotions.

 

However if it was me I would go to the event under the following self-directed guidelines.

 

1. While at the concert if I (you) was discreetly scanning the audience and trying to locate my EX then NO I would not go. The reality is once I (you) find the EX my (your) thoughts and attentions will continually be directed on them and it will surely drive me (you) emotionally downwards as ( (you) continue to look over at them.
    
    
   
2. If on the other hand I (you) can convince myself (yourself) to truly stay focused on the performance and use the friend who will accompany me (you) as the audience or eye-to-eye partner (so that one don’t start gazing around) I (you) should be fine.
   

 

As your friend put it to you I also believe the first appearance of him in public is probably the most difficult. As you come to accept the break up and new partner as fact it might still hurt you but the shock value will wear off. You should also know that as you appear to be having fun you will not only become more confident in yourself, it's very likely you will become radiant and attractive to others.

 

One last thing…alcohol or other stimulants can wreak havoc on emotions and cause all types of reactions both submissive and assertive. It might be best to go really light prior to and at the event then hit a bar or club later where the EX will not be and let loose there. Just a thought.

 

Good luck Fern.

[curiousnycgirl]

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, you know I do. My ex didn't leave me for anyone in particular, I don't even know for sure if he ever cheated (although I still believe he must have), I just found his match.com profile that said he was active within 24 hours and I ended it.

 

However I can guarantee that if I went out for an evening to hang out an de-stress and ran into him, I'd be a mess! Whether he was with a woman or not! So of course my heart goes out to you so, so, so much!

 

Give yourself a break, allow yourself to react and to grieve, you deserve it, you've earned it, and lord knows you paid for it! Then pick yourself up and go back out and get yourself another drink gosh darn it!

 

kisses and hugs!

CNYCG

[Fern]

I think I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go easy on the alcohol - you're right about that, it really does make me feel worse the next day (which is when I started feeling bad this time). However I suspect my friend is right about the 'bandaid' thing. It won't be even nearly as bad next week and then I can go back to NC with my head held high. I'll be able to ignore them. Even on Saturday I managed that much quite easily. I'm fairly sure I gave the loser some food for thought. I'm fonder of my dignity than I am of him.

 

Thanks for the input everyone. It's good to have a sounding board to bounce this stuff off and figure out how I really feel.