youbeauty Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Now. Interesting thought. What are people's thoughts re: who should be calling who in the early stages of a relationship. Say we're looking at 3-4 weeks down the track here. I'm the guy and I'm more than happy to be the instigator/planner of dates etc but its safe to say this girl and I have progressed past the initial dating complexities/nervousness and are pretty comfortable in each other's company. However, I have one bone to pick. I am doing all of the contacting! Neither of us are not interested in dating "games" per se, but my attitude is that a budding relationship shouldn't be a one way thing from a communication perspective! I have had mixed experiences with girls in the past (some wait for you to call, some are happy to pick up the phone), but would really like to hear what people think about this?
zengirl Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I tend to do more sitting back and waiting. Not really a game, but it's the best way to observe a guy's behavior early on to assess his interest and character. I tend to suggest good times/things to do ON the dates, though, but I expect the guy to have the follow-through to set-up the next actual date until we're an official couple. I won't set up dates until then, generally, except for perhaps on a date (i.e. if my friend is having a party later in the week, I'll mention it on the date, and we will set it up; but I wouldn't call the guy to set it up unless he were my boyfriend).
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I understand your concern. I think it all depends on how healthy you think the relationship is, besides the phone contact stuff. In the past, I used to feel slighted if girlfriends didn't call or text first, and I would sometimes "test" them by sitting back and waiting for them to contact me. Nowadays I have a more mature approach to communication. If the relationship is going well and I'm happy, I don't really give much thought to who instigates the calling. For instance, I'm dating someone at the moment and it's usually me who does the calling. However, if I call and she doesn't answer straight away, she always returns the call within a few minutes. She even did it on Saturday when I called and she'd been asleep in bed (I was checking to see if she had got home safely).
Author youbeauty Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 Interesting points from both of you so thanks v/much for the response. I guess the other issue is that she indicated she wants to take things slow from the outset (largely due to some pretty ordinary experiences with other guys previously) so guess there is no rush, particularly as I get the impression she is still a 'bit' hesitant and building up her trust/confidence in me. But also a need to maintain a healthy balance between giving her the required space and yet showing you still have some interest, which is the difficult part. Sent her through an sms yesterday to see if she had capacity to catch up this weekend so will leave it to her to respond. The hard part is that I am usually very prompt in responding to people (part of my nature), more out of politeness and courtesy, so a bit hard to not come across as being overly eager at times!
zengirl Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Interesting points from both of you so thanks v/much for the response. I guess the other issue is that she indicated she wants to take things slow from the outset (largely due to some pretty ordinary experiences with other guys previously) so guess there is no rush, particularly as I get the impression she is still a 'bit' hesitant and building up her trust/confidence in me. But also a need to maintain a healthy balance between giving her the required space and yet showing you still have some interest, which is the difficult part. Sent her through an sms yesterday to see if she had capacity to catch up this weekend so will leave it to her to respond. The hard part is that I am usually very prompt in responding to people (part of my nature), more out of politeness and courtesy, so a bit hard to not come across as being overly eager at times! I think prompt responding is good! While I do sit back the first few weeks and let the man assert himself, just to see how things are, I always respond as promptly as possible when contacted. (I mean, if I'm teaching a class or in a meeting or otherwise engaged, I can't text back, but the next time I'm at my phone, responding.)
Author youbeauty Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 Well that's refreshing to hear zengirl. Out of interest, so I've sent this sms re the weekend. Haven't heard back as yet (been a bit over 24 hours now). But tempted to give her the time to respond (so thinking a couple of days). Would you bother chasing her up later in the week if I don't hear back from her, say on Friday, or just leave it go, and perhaps touch base with her early next week, on the basis she is probably indicating by her absence that she has other plans?
zengirl Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Well that's refreshing to hear zengirl. Out of interest, so I've sent this sms re the weekend. Haven't heard back as yet (been a bit over 24 hours now). But tempted to give her the time to respond (so thinking a couple of days). Would you bother chasing her up later in the week if I don't hear back from her, say on Friday, or just leave it go, and perhaps touch base with her early next week, on the basis she is probably indicating by her absence that she has other plans? I wouldn't really text again, unless you have some reason to believe she didn't get it. I think it's rude of her to wait more than a day to respond.
waynebrady Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Men. Offcourse. Women never initiate phone calls or any sort of contact. But I think I speak for most men here... It would be nice if women initiated contact atleast sometimes. But offcourse this dynamic is never going to change in our lifetime, women are unwilling to initiate contact not only in the beggining stages but also in a long term relationship. It is what it is...
zengirl Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Men. Offcourse. Women never initiate phone calls or any sort of contact. But I think I speak for most men here... It would be nice if women initiated contact atleast sometimes. But offcourse this dynamic is never going to change in our lifetime, women are unwilling to initiate contact not only in the beggining stages but also in a long term relationship. It is what it is... Funny how this is only true of the women men like. I have loads of friends who are always texting guys first and are plenty communicative. These relationships never last, and those friends are single.
Girlygirl1977 Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Funny how this is only true of the women men like. I have loads of friends who are always texting guys first and are plenty communicative. These relationships never last, and those friends are single. that's interesting and out of curiosity - Is it chicken or the egg here? The guy didn't start out very interested to begin with (and the reason you say you wait for guy to assert himself in first few wks)? Or he loses interest because of the woman's initiative?
zengirl Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 that's interesting and out of curiosity - Is it chicken or the egg here? The guy didn't start out very interested to begin with (and the reason you say you wait for guy to assert himself in first few wks)? Or he loses interest because of the woman's initiative? I think it's a combination of two things: 1. Men really do like to chase---so long as they are given enough encouragement to make it worth it. (For communication, I think this means: 'Respond promptly, but don't pursue' for women, generally.) 2. The kind of girls who are pursuing generally are the ones who don't value themselves as much and have their stuff together. I've learned through experience to sit back a bit and let the fella direct things at first, as it shows his character and interest; generally, those who text a lot and such are trying the shotgun approach to just find a guy who's "Right" when they don't know what they even mean by that.
waynebrady Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I think it's a combination of two things: 1. Men really do like to chase---so long as they are given enough encouragement to make it worth it. (For communication, I think this means: 'Respond promptly, but don't pursue' for women, generally.) 2. The kind of girls who are pursuing generally are the ones who don't value themselves as much and have their stuff together. I've learned through experience to sit back a bit and let the fella direct things at first, as it shows his character and interest; generally, those who text a lot and such are trying the shotgun approach to just find a guy who's "Right" when they don't know what they even mean by that. Alot of men hate the chase. It's a myth invented by women so you never have to take any initatives or put in any effort. I have seen loads of men on this board say they hate the chase, I have seen loads of men say they would like it if the woman was more assertive. Infact I have seen very very few men say they actually like the chase. No offence but I'm really getting tired of all the women saying "men like the chase" or "women should never initiate contact with a man, it scares men off and makes you like desperate" and so on, it's really ridicilous. If a man likes a woman he is not gonna mind it all if a woman initiated contact. And if he doesn't like it then obviously he wasn't very intrested from the beggining. Just because some women have had a bad experiences with it doesn't mean men don't like it when women initiate contact, it simply means the guy wasn't intrested from the start. If I was dating a woman and she never initiated contact I would eventually start to wonder if she is intrested at all. I would eventually move on, because I wouldn't like to be in a relationship where I'm ALWAYS the one who calls.
waynebrady Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 that's interesting and out of curiosity - Is it chicken or the egg here? The guy didn't start out very interested to begin with (and the reason you say you wait for guy to assert himself in first few wks)? Or he loses interest because of the woman's initiative? Any woman who says that men lose intrest if a woman initiates contact is lying plain and simple. It might be true in some cases but most men if they are intrested in a woman will defenitley like it if she took the initiative from time to time. Offcourse most women will say men hate it when a woman takes the initiative and that men like the chase and so on. It's in YOUR advantage as a woman to let the man do all the calling, take all the initiatives and put in all the effort.
zengirl Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Alot of men hate the chase. It's a myth invented by women so you never have to take any initatives or put in any effort. I have seen loads of men on this board say they hate the chase, I have seen loads of men say they would like it if the woman was more assertive. Infact I have seen very very few men say they actually like the chase. Men don't like wild goose chases, but they love having to work for what they get. On a fundamental biological level, it boosts testosterone, which is linked to happiness and pleasure levels in men. Men regularly engage in recreational activities that have goals, and they generally (on average) enjoy achieving goals and problem solving, in part because it's what they're socialized to do and in part because it boosts certain chemicals in the body, including testosterone. Now, there are different kinds of chases, but the fact is that most men want to work for a quality woman and feel odd when they don't have to do so. That doesn't mean they want to feel they are spinning their wheels or being mistreated----that's what no one likes. No offence but I'm really getting tired of all the women saying "men like the chase" or "women should never initiate contact with a man, it scares men off and makes you like desperate" and so on, it's really ridicilous. Not never, but women do need to be careful early on. Men think they'd like women to contact them all the time, but I've never seen a relationship where that actually worked out for a gal. Later on, it's different, of course. If I was dating a woman and she never initiated contact I would eventually start to wonder if she is intrested at all. I would eventually move on, because I wouldn't like to be in a relationship where I'm ALWAYS the one who calls. Of course, you want to feel the other person is invested, but the beginning is just different. And women can show their investment in other ways. What women need to do more of, to show interest, is to return calls promptly and with enthusiasm, be timely on dates (and look fantastic, and like you obviously tried), and express their interest clearly when the man is actually present. Calling and texting all the time is something many women find endearing but most men I know don't really care for it. A good chase keeps a man one step behind and feeling like you want him to follow you somewhere fantastic. A bad chase makes a man feel like he's lost in the mist and doesn't know where to go or what's going on. There's a huge difference.
Recommended Posts