Ex came back, drop the current boyfriend?

[antonia]

I'm torn between 2 men, please help!!!

 

I've been with my ex (let's call him K) for 1 year. Rocky relationship from the beginning due to some mistakes I made, lots of fights, broken up 3 times, last time in July. The main issues we had was my insecurity and jealousy, triggered by him not being as affectionate as I needed and expected in a relationship. He kept trying to calm me down, but his actions always amplified my insecurity (I even saw some signs of cheating, like women's hair in his house, but dismissed them as he never admitted to cheating and I did want to believe him).

 

Long story short, we broke up for the last time in July, and kept seeing each other once a week for the next 2 months as I was unable to accept the breakup and he wanted to help me get through it. At the end of September I felt I couldn't keep seeing him as it was extremely painful, so I cut all contact with him (without any explanation) and decided to move on with my life.

 

It was very difficult, as I still had feelings for him, but I started dating and 5 days later I met a guy (let's call him S) that I really liked and he liked me back just as much. We started seeing each other almost every day and a week later we decided to be together in a committed relationship.

 

Things were going great, the first 2 weeks were a bliss, until we had our first sexual encounter, who was a total disaster. Not sure what went wrong, it could have been the stress of the new relationship... He assured me that he didn't have this problem before, and ask me if this happened to any of my exes... and that's when I made the mistake to tell him that my last ex had a minor hang up in the beginning, but eventually it turned out that we had great compatibility.

 

This blew him away and probably created a complex, cus the next 2 times we tried... he couldn't handle it mentally and he would just stop after a few minutes.

 

We agreed to give it time and work on it, since we were both happy with our relationship overall, and that's when my ex steps into the picture again. He gave me a call, probably to test the waters, and we talked for 1 1/2 hours. Nothing came out of it, and I told my current boyfriend about it and assured him there's nothing going on.

 

He became insecure, started obsesssing that I will go back to my ex, and I never thought I would, it just seemed so absurd at the time...

 

Unfortunately, he was right. My ex called again and wants me back... I don't know what to do!!! I wanted my ex all this time and he wouldn't get back together with me, he was dating other women, and now when I finally moved on he wants me back! This is so hard... I want him back, but I'm just scared that things will not work out again... Besides, I started to have feelings for the new guy, and he has treated me so good, I would hate to hurt him. He doesn't deserve it.

 

I told K about S, he was hurt that I started a relationship while he was just seeing other women but didn't take it any further... He also said that it was my right to do so, since we were broken up...

 

Now I am so scared of losing both of them... I have to make a decision now or it will be too late. K is hurt, and he says he will try to get over the fact that I got into a new relationship, but I suspect his heart isn't 100% into working things out, as I feel he is still seeing other women. S is hurt too, because I stopped seeing him and asked for a break, to see if I want to continue our relationship or not. He insists that time off will just ruin everything, that we can work out any problems we have, and that he can't handle going on and off. It's either are are together or we break up, no middle ground.

 

It's hard to choose because K represents everything I ever wanted in a man, we had great chemistry, and S is the almost opposite of K, but gives me what K couldn't: stability, affection... and he treats me great.

 

I am so confused and torn apart!!! I need some sound advice, please reply and leave your input, I would appreciate it so much! I am so emotional that I feel I can't think straight anymore, and the clock is ticking... I need to make a decision ASAP!!!

 

Thank you for reading.

[Eeyore79]

S sounds like the better option. K is messing you about; he only wants you because you're with someone else, and once he has you back he'll treat you like crap again. K has already broken up with you once, so why give him the chance to do it again? He's already proved that he's unaffectionate, capable of cheating, and generally doesn't make you feel happy and secure - why would you want to drop a secure, happy relationship with S in order to go back to the insecurity and unhappiness of being with K?

 

If you feel that you don't want to be with S, then dump him and be alone, but for goodness sake don't get back together with K whatever you do.

[AlisaMarie]

Hello! Just my personal opinion, but you should look for one guy that has all of the qualities that you need! The fighting, cheating, lying? I don't think you want K back, you want to fix what was broken long ago. It won't get better and people don't change. You also said that you broke up 3 times before... so why do you want to go back to this terrible pattern?

 

I really think that you should not contact K anymore... let it go and try to move on, but not with S. Take some time and date and get over K completely before getting serious with anyone again. I hope it works out for you. Best wishes.

[antonia]

Thank you all for your answers. I really appreciate the feedback, although it's not what I wanted to hear. I am inclining towards K, although S does sound better...

 

For 3 days now I am trying to push S away, coming up with excuses why we have to stop seeing each other. I just couldn't tell him that I'm going back to my ex, because that would hurt him too much, and I couldn't say that I don't like him or want to be with him, cus that is just not true. I do want him, but I think I want my ex more...

 

S has taken each one of my excuses and broken it into pieces, analyzed every detail and offered all his support and willingness to work out any issues we might have and have a good relationship together. He was so sweet, kind, honest, that it made me feel so guilty for thinking that I still want the other guy. If I told him that I just don't like him enough, he would give up, but the truth is that I do like him and also, I don't want to hurt his feelings. He also seems interested in a very serious relationship, who knows maybe later leading to marriage. He didn't mention the M word, but he sounded so interested in me and so serious about us that this would be just a logical continuation of a good, solid dating relationship.

 

K also called. He knows I broke up with S, and at the time I thought I did, but a few hours later S called again and we had the aforementioned conversation. We talked for half an hour, mainly about me doing some things he knows I wanted to do before we broke up (like him teaching me some things, he's supporting me to give up smoking, take up a sport again, exercise daily), which shows he cares and he's interested in being with me (at least in the near future). He is acting very protective, like he used to when we were together before, and he keeps saying that, had he left me by myself (NC) for more than a month, he wouldn't have found me anymore because I would have ended up sick from too much smoking (which, by the way, I started after our breakup). I know he says it in a protective and affectionate way, he doesn't really mean it that way...

 

The thing that worries me about K is that I think he is still logging to a dating website. I'm not 100% sure though... and I don't know how to find out and honestly, I don't want to play detective, I've done it before and now just the thought of doing it again makes me sick.

 

If I could have from K the security that S gives me, there is no doubt I wouldn't even consider S, as nice as he is...

 

I feel extremely guilty, I do like S and appreciate everything he wants to give me, but I still want K... HOW IN THE WORLD CAN I FIGHT THIS FEELING? Am I wrong? Am I making a mistake by choosing K? Could it possibly work out with K, since he also mentioned that if everything goes well then he can see us making progress in our relationship?

 

Tomorrow I have to make a decision. FINAL DECISION. It's not fair to let S think that we will work things out if we won't... and it's not fair for K either, who thinks it's already over with S.

 

I have less than 17 hours to tell S it's over... and I still don't know how to tell him, what to tell him... I just know it breaks my heart to do this to him, and I am afraid that I will pay for this if K will leave me again later on...

 

What should I do?

[Eeyore79]

I can't believe you're thinking about getting back together with a guy who has cheated, split up with you numerous times, is still logging into dating websites, and generally makes you feel insecure and unloved. If you don't have strong enough feelings for S, dump him and look for someone else, but don't go back to K. If you're stupid enough to get back together with him, you deserve everything you get.