Author tigressA Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Thanks, guys. I got along with him really well; it seemed like things were good. It would've been nice to see him more, but I know that's not going to happen. I'm resigned. Once I declared this dead in the water, three other guys who seem decently promising started corresponding with me. I guess my milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard?
Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I guess my milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard? Confidence will do that.
Crazy Magnet Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I could teach you, but I'd have to charge! Go get em girl!!!! The men of this world won't know what hit them!
Author tigressA Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 :lmao: "Are your parents from Iraq? 'Cause I think you're THE BOMB." --Opening line from a message I just got on OKC. :lmao: I just can't stop laughing right now.
northern_sky Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) Well, as a rule I'm not wrong about stuff. You know that. I figured some might agree with me. Particularly those who have come to know how I'm generally right. But I don't think it's important to point out Star's mistake. I agree that your post was spot on for Tigress. I didn't want to offend her so I held off from saying what you voiced. Also you have a way of putting things sensitively yet honestly that I lack. Edited November 24, 2010 by northern_sky
northern_sky Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Actually, in my experience J is pretty much always spot on. It probably wouldn't hurt to consider what he said. J is like Silent Bob. He rarely says anything serious, but when he does it's always profound and cuts through the bull.
northern_sky Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) I appreciate your thoughtful post, Johan. Yes, my sex drive is above normal. Yes, I am proud of my body. No, I don't feel a compulsion to use either to get approval from men. I never regret any of my encounters. I do what I want when I feel like it, and I accept the consequences, whatever they may be. I say this with fondness, because I really like you Tigress, but I feel like you're somebody who keeps herself from herself. You are rather defensive when people point out your mistakes, and I think you have all these walls up inside that prevent you from being more self aware. The only times I've noticed you aren't defensive is when people point out surface or circumstantial mistakes that don't get to the root of deeper patterns. I am bracing myself for a defensive or dismissive response to this (which is understandable), but I'm crossing my fingers that some of it gets through. Edited November 24, 2010 by northern_sky
northern_sky Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) I'm not biased towards anyone, OG. You think I don't like you just because I disagree with your choices and behavior, but you're wrong. I do like you, a lot actually. Yes, she has patterns. She jumps into bed fairly quickly, but she moves on just as quickly, without a lot of heartbreak and torment. Why is this? Because there's a big huge difference between a woman who loves sex and enjoys her sexuality and the "thrill of it all" while it lasts (TigressA, Lizzie60, et al.), and a woman who uses sex as a replacement for love and validation of her self-worth. I really, really would hesitate from using Lizzie60 as the example of anything approoooaching a healthy psyche. In addition, she is definitely somebody who uses sex as a replacement for love and validation, imo. Edited November 24, 2010 by northern_sky
Author tigressA Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Shadow, I'm not offended by anything anyone says about me here unless it's a blatant personal attack. If I were at all afraid of criticism I wouldn't bother posting here on LS. It's cool that you agree with what Johan said, but ultimately I disagree with the assertion that I use sex/my body/my appearance to make guys like me or to keep them around. I don't sit around thinking, "Oh I wish I hadn't done x, y, z, maybe then he'd still want to see me..." The way I think about it is, if a guy dismisses me for doing something I felt like doing when I felt like doing it, they're not worth my time. Sure, I get a little bummed because we got along well and it would've been nice to see them more, but nothing more than that.
Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I really, really would hesitate from using Lizzie60 as the example of anything approoooaching a healthy psyche. In addition, she is definitely somebody who uses sex as a replacement for love and validation, imo. Meh. I disagree that she uses sex for validation and love. But fine. Take her out of the equation. My point still stands. There are those who use sex as a replacement for love and validation of their self worth (you obviously know who I'm talking about) and there are those who, plainly stated, just really like to f**k and will have a good time whenever it presents itself and for as long as it lasts without harboring any negative feelings about it. TA has sometimes presented herself as selfish, sometimes stopping her feet in a little bratty way (you know I love ya, TA! ), but she doesn't use sex as a tool to feel better about herself. She doesn't go around thinking, "If I have sex with him, he will then like me" or even "If he has sex with me, that must mean he cares about me."
northern_sky Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 The way I think about it is, if a guy dismisses me for doing something I felt like doing when I felt like doing it, they're not worth my time. Sure, I get a little bummed because we got along well and it would've been nice to see them more, but nothing more than that. This was actually the part of his post I was most unsure about. What I did agree with was that you have a pattern of early sex that leads to short term relationships. I'm not sure why this is, but it's something you might want to think about for your own self exploration. I agree that sex can be great in its own right, and sometimes a fling is even preferable to something more serious. But you should figure out what you're really looking for. If you are looking for a meaningful relationship, it's probably wise to hold off on sex, even if you feel like it in the moment. It seems like right now you're not really sure what you want, especially since you just got out of that relationship. I realize this seems to contradict what I wrote in my anti-LS-rules thread, so I'll explain. I don't think early sex always kills any relationship potential (as some LSers seem to think), but I do think it often makes the development of a long term relationship less likely for several reasons. Unfortunately a lot of guys will judge a girl for giving it up too soon, whether they'll willing to admit it to themselves or not. Then there are guys who don't (like C, for example). The problem is, early sex can sort of blind you to other incompatibilities because it's faux intimacy. Also, to a degree guys will take your lead in setting the tone of a relationship. If you seem serious-minded, then they are more likely to view you as long term girlfriend material. If you seem like you're more into just having fun, then that will change how they view you. I think you may send guys mixed signals because you're often living in the moment and not really in tune with what you're looking for.
northern_sky Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Meh. I disagree that she uses sex for validation and love. But fine. Take her out of the equation. My point still stands. There are those who use sex as a replacement for love and validation of their self worth (you obviously know who I'm talking about) and there are those who, plainly stated, just really like to f**k and will have a good time whenever it presents itself and for as long as it lasts without harboring any negative feelings about it. TA has sometimes presented herself as selfish, sometimes stopping her feet in a little bratty way (you know I love ya, TA! ), but she doesn't use sex as a tool to feel better about herself. She doesn't go around thinking, "If I have sex with him, he will then like me" or even "If he has sex with me, that must mean he cares about me." I agree that TA enjoys sex for its own sake, but I get the sense she sometimes impulsively indulges that need at the expense of developing something more meaningful. In other words, I think she enjoys living in the moment, but may be sort of out of touch with what she wants on a deeper level.
Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I agree that TA enjoys sex for its own sake, but I get the sense she sometimes impulsively indulges that need at the expense of developing something more meaningful. In other words, I think she enjoys living in the moment, but may be sort of out of touch with what she wants on a deeper level. Sure. I don't disagree with that at all.
Author tigressA Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 Sure. I don't disagree with that at all. I don't disagree with it at all either. I think she hit the nail on the head. I know I have no idea what I want. But I don't think I should let that keep me from doing what I want.
Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I don't disagree with it at all either. I think she hit the nail on the head. I know I have no idea what I want. But I don't think I should let that keep me from doing what I want. The thing you have to be careful with though is developing engrained patterns (e.g., sex too soon), because then when you figure out what you DO want, it'll be hard to break those patterns, which would be necessary to find something meaningful and long-term. But you're so young. At your age I really wasn't thinking long-term either. Then again, I WAS in the "sex as a replacement for love" camp, which is a LIT harder to break out of.
Author tigressA Posted November 24, 2010 Author Posted November 24, 2010 (edited) The thing you have to be careful with though is developing engrained patterns (e.g., sex too soon), because then when you figure out what you DO want, it'll be hard to break those patterns, which would be necessary to find something meaningful and long-term. But you're so young. At your age I really wasn't thinking long-term either. Then again, I WAS in the "sex as a replacement for love" camp, which is a LIT harder to break out of. Right. I was in an LTR for almost 2 years; it was serious. I was basically a part of the guy's family, I broke up with him a year ago in September. I had also cheated on him. There's absolutely no excuse for it, but at the time I was feeling "trapped". In between him and C there was also a guy I dated on and off for 6 months. He was all about making me his one and only, but I didn't want that. When C came around, I definitely think I was turned on by his mixed signals--the same I tend to give out. And as soon as things took a turn for the worse I just bailed, or threatened to bail. I never actively "worked on" a relationship. The idealist in me likes to think that I just haven't met a person to make me want to commit. The pessimist in me likes to think that I just don't have it in me to commit, so I shouldn't even bother trying. I know I'm only 23; I still have a lot of years left...but when I think of being one of those people who's still having egg-timer relationships 10+ years from now, it does get me down a little. I don't know what that means for me right now. Edited November 24, 2010 by tigressA
northern_sky Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Right. I was in an LTR for almost 2 years; it was serious. I was basically a part of the guy's family, I broke up with him a year ago in September. I had also cheated on him. There's absolutely no excuse for it, but at the time I was feeling "trapped". There was also a guy I dated on and off for 6 months. He was all about making me his one and only, but I didn't want that. When C came around, I definitely think I was turned on by his mixed signals--the same I tend to give out. And as soon as things took a turn for the worse I just bailed, or threatened to bail. I never actively "worked on" a relationship. The idealist in me likes to think that I just haven't met a person to make me want to commit. The pessimist in me likes to think that I just don't have it in me to commit, so I shouldn't even bother trying. I know I'm only 23; I still have a lot of years left...but when I think of being one of those people who's still having egg-timer relationships 10+ years from now, it does get me down a little. I don't know what that means for me right now. I think like me you're somewhat emotionally unavailable. This fits with you being turned on by emotionally unavailable guys (C and his mixed signals). Btw, I don't think you bailed too soon on C. He wasn't holding up his end.
Author tigressA Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Oh I agree with you about C...he was (still is, may always be) a selfish, spoiled man-child. I think we're more alike than I would prefer to admit, though. :laugh: If there was anyone who I would've loved to commit to, it would've been the guy I dated before C...we were like best friends. Peas in a pod. We just understood each other. We had ridiculous inside jokes and pet names, liked a lot of the same things/activities. In that way, I thought he was my person. Ultimately, he didn't "do it" for me--not enough of a sexual spark to keep me faithful. I hated ending it because I knew I was something like the end-all-be-all for him; I wanted him to be that for me but I couldn't go on pretending. I like to think that there are men out there who would fill out the whole bill for me, and that the timing will be right, et cetera. It's a bit difficult, even at my young age, to not already feel jaded.
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