fun2bewith Posted November 15, 2010 Share Posted November 15, 2010 THE TRUTH ABOUT THE 5 STAGES OF GRIEF 1) The stage 1-4 might not feel linear. 2) Stage 5: “Truly Acceptance” is always the last phase. 3) Once you have gone through stage 5 you could successfully continue life (if grief of the relationship was the hold back to your life). If you feel that you are still sad, it might not be because of the relationship it might be because of something unrelated to the relationship. 4) The speed of going through the stages of grief will be accelerated depending on what you do with your time. 5) Planning revenge at any stage will make you think more about the person and delay your recovery time. 6) Only after you have successfully completed stage 5 would you be able to make friends with the person (EX) again. 7) Anything is possible. The steps to follow would be to heal yourself before you go back into any relationship especially going back into the same one. IMO I think when a relationship did not work out it should either never be reattempted or only be reattempted once you realized that you can live without that person and that person has no effect on you what so ever. You can only open the same door when it is closed…You must get closure first! THE 5 STAGES OF GRIEF. 1) DENIAL It is not really happening; He/she will realize her/his mistake and will call me after a few days. He/She loves me so much we did so many things together; he/she is just having a bad day stress at work. A few weeks go by and still no phone calls, FB, Email, but he/she said she loved me… You still believe you have control over what happened. 2) ANGER How could he/she do this to me? Doesn’t he/she care? Did I mean nothing to him? He/she wasted my time!! Obviously with a few swear words in between. He/she is so selfish! He/she is such a *********. Thoughts of revenge appear and thoughts of hurting him/her or yourself may surface. Angry because of all the time invested. You have many questions unanswered. You feel like you want to call and shout at them, telling them it’s their fault! 3) NEGOTIATION Okay maybe I have over reacted. If I/he/she would just call it would be okay. I can convince them to stay. I am just going to go NC for a few months and then he/she will call and everything will be okay. Maybe he/she is also posting on LS and he/she could read my posts and everything would be fine. You start to regret some of the things you said and wish you could have another phone call or e-mail to sort things out. You make plans to gain more control. You might even think of manipulating the situation to get your way. Some people draft plans. 4) SADNESS This is where places and things bring back memories (sometimes the smallest thing), where every memory of him/her makes you sad. Where you realize it is over but are grieving the final goodbye. Some people get stuck in this stage for a long time. 5) ACCEPTANCE This is where you do not go back and forth through stage 1-4 anymore. You have accepted and moved on to a new relationship or new life. You still have the memories, but it is not affecting your life or your happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I think that this is decent advice. Link to post Share on other sites
BlindRage Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I'm in stage #4. Yesterday just the thought of this one mole I loved on her made me cry and wish for happier days Link to post Share on other sites
AC06 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I'm mainly 4 with a bit of 2 rearing it's head at points. I'm definitely not 3 or 5. I wouldn't say I'm in denial, either, I know what I'm going through and why, but I do expect to hear off her again, but the timeframe of when could be anything from next week to next year. Link to post Share on other sites
bestrong Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I am in stage 4 and it has been quite a while. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I feel both 2 and 4 now. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I'm not getting to 5 anytime soon.. Link to post Share on other sites
TheUnthoughtKnown Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I'm at 4 too. And I have been at four for a long, long time. Around 9 months by my count. I know there's no specifics as to how long any of the phases will last but surely 9 months is a little overkill? I have no control over it anyway, I'm living my life and doing separate things from her, haven't spoken to her in 9 months, have started dating other girls. I mean, Jesus, what does a guy need to do?! I'm getting weary of all this angst and torment, I'd like it to go away now. Link to post Share on other sites
J0N Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I too am in stage four as well. I kinda feel deflated, defeated, & at a loss. I miss her, and I know she's never coming back. I am just going to focus on me for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Jdw_Icequeen Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Its been a little over a month since the break up but for the last week even though he was saying we might get back together, I have been feeling alot of greif about everything. Yesterday after breaking things off completley because of the situation being to painful I felt better for a while.. I have been definetly stuck in 4 there.. and a bit of 2... I am still kind of in denial hoping he will realize he made a mistake.. I just can't wait for 5.. Now doing mostly NC but LC when needed because we have a son, I am definetly hoping things will start to pick up in the right direction.. Link to post Share on other sites
workingonit Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I'm knee deep in all four. Happened a few hours ago. I keep sitting down, standing up, walking in circles, crying, throwing up, getting pissed. Lorazepam starting to kick in. At least I can stay still now. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 With my first bf, we kept occasionally getting back together and I yo-yoed between happiness and then through all five stages of grief repeatedly for over a decade. With the last ex who dumped me, I was stuck in stage 4 for about two years before I stopped crying and felt ready to properly move on. You really can get stuck in the sadness stage for a very long time Link to post Share on other sites
melenkurion Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I'm in #2 and #4 I would say. I'm certainly not progressing through the stages linearly. I actually think I went pretty quickly to #3 from #1 with a brief explosion of #2. None of those lasted long, I think. I think then #2 and #4 followed kind of mixed together. Also: I think I had two kinds of anger? The first came very quickly (a week after D-day), I raged, raged, raged at the Other Guy in my head. I vomited an (unposted) 11 page letter to him detailing how much I hated him, and the various ways in which I wanted to ruin his life, and then kill him (he was a former friend). At that stage, I still wanted my ex back, and I wasn't angry with him. Recently (about two months after D-day), I got angry with my ex (he has pretty much been a tw*t since leaving), and I have a sort of righteous slow-burning anger with him, "how dare you do this to me!" Although there may be elements of #3 in my main fantasy (He begs for me back. I tell him to f**k right off). Link to post Share on other sites
Buzzkillington Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Eugh, the mixture of 2 and 4 is toxic and keeps going round and round for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Jake99 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Eugh, the mixture of 2 and 4 is toxic and keeps going round and round for me! These stages were revolutionized by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who pioneered methods in the support and counselling of personal trauma, grief and grieving, associated with death and dying in the 1960s. The stages of grief are excellent to look at but a word of advice for everyone to consider. The stages of grief are never to be taken in order and many of them you may not really feel happened. Link to post Share on other sites
comethemorning Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 The stages of grief are excellent to look at but a word of advice for everyone to consider. The stages of grief are never to be taken in order and many of them you may not really feel happened. Exactly. And you WILL cycle between the stages. Often, repeatedly. There is no set time for any of the stages. We all go through them at different speeds, and with different intensities. You cannot rush any of the stages, else you will delay your healing. Accept that the end of a relationship, especially one that has has a major impact on your life, is like a death. And let NO ONE invalidate your feelings. Such people are toxic in and of themselves, and until you are far enough along in your healing, avoid them like the plague. You feel what YOU feel. And it is OK. Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 For me there was no set pattern, I just felt everything horrible all in one for 7 months, but acceptance was the last one, that's the only thing I agree with in the 5 stages of grief. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggotface Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I'm in a horrible combination of 1 and 3. I'm not mad, just desperate and lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Exactly. And you WILL cycle between the stages. Often, repeatedly. There is no set time for any of the stages. We all go through them at different speeds, and with different intensities. You cannot rush any of the stages, else you will delay your healing. Accept that the end of a relationship, especially one that has has a major impact on your life, is like a death. And let NO ONE invalidate your feelings. Such people are toxic in and of themselves, and until you are far enough along in your healing, avoid them like the plague. You feel what YOU feel. And it is OK. Peace. You know what's funny? Lately I have been feeling disbelief again. Because of the nature of the r/l itself (it was great for both of us, I know she loved me, I know she wanted to get married, etc) and the b/u (pretty out of the blue, she made her decision to b/u in a matter of weeks, not months). I keep asking "Why did she do this? How could she do this?" Link to post Share on other sites
hanging on for now Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 THE TRUTH ABOUT THE 5 STAGES OF GRIEF 1) The stage 1-4 might not feel linear. 2) Stage 5: “Truly Acceptance” is always the last phase. 3) Once you have gone through stage 5 you could successfully continue life (if grief of the relationship was the hold back to your life). If you feel that you are still sad, it might not be because of the relationship it might be because of something unrelated to the relationship. 4) The speed of going through the stages of grief will be accelerated depending on what you do with your time. 5) Planning revenge at any stage will make you think more about the person and delay your recovery time. 6) Only after you have successfully completed stage 5 would you be able to make friends with the person (EX) again. 7) Anything is possible. The steps to follow would be to heal yourself before you go back into any relationship especially going back into the same one. IMO I think when a relationship did not work out it should either never be reattempted or only be reattempted once you realized that you can live without that person and that person has no effect on you what so ever. You can only open the same door when it is closed…You must get closure first! THE 5 STAGES OF GRIEF. 1) DENIAL It is not really happening; He/she will realize her/his mistake and will call me after a few days. He/She loves me so much we did so many things together; he/she is just having a bad day stress at work. A few weeks go by and still no phone calls, FB, Email, but he/she said she loved me… You still believe you have control over what happened. 2) ANGER How could he/she do this to me? Doesn’t he/she care? Did I mean nothing to him? He/she wasted my time!! Obviously with a few swear words in between. He/she is so selfish! He/she is such a *********. Thoughts of revenge appear and thoughts of hurting him/her or yourself may surface. Angry because of all the time invested. You have many questions unanswered. You feel like you want to call and shout at them, telling them it’s their fault! 3) NEGOTIATION Okay maybe I have over reacted. If I/he/she would just call it would be okay. I can convince them to stay. I am just going to go NC for a few months and then he/she will call and everything will be okay. Maybe he/she is also posting on LS and he/she could read my posts and everything would be fine. You start to regret some of the things you said and wish you could have another phone call or e-mail to sort things out. You make plans to gain more control. You might even think of manipulating the situation to get your way. Some people draft plans. 4) SADNESS This is where places and things bring back memories (sometimes the smallest thing), where every memory of him/her makes you sad. Where you realize it is over but are grieving the final goodbye. Some people get stuck in this stage for a long time. 5) ACCEPTANCE This is where you do not go back and forth through stage 1-4 anymore. You have accepted and moved on to a new relationship or new life. You still have the memories, but it is not affecting your life or your happiness. What is strange is my stages of grief were not in the order. I never had the denial stage. First for me was sadness, then anger. Negotiation and a little obsessive behavior and then acceptance. Denial wasn't possible with the emails I read. Guess I should say that with the recent court decision that sent the poor guy to prison for reading his cheating wives email. What to do? I'm trying to save my marriage. How? by bettering myself, correcting the things which were wrong toward her and to be more the man I should have been. She has to make peace within her soul about the affair and only then can we try to an agreement regarding our marriage. Even though I was the one betrayed, I'm ahead of her. Still love her, that never ceased. Link to post Share on other sites
No Foolin Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 The Kubler-Ross stages mainly applied to trauma associated with death and dying............ That being said, unless your ex has come back from the dead and is now a zombie (which in a conventional sense would be major problem and most likely would need to be addressed on a board associated with the CDC or FEMA) he/she is pretty much alive and that throws a wrench in the Kubler-Ross stages mainly because the other person involved can rear their head at any time placing you anywhere on stages 1 to 5 at their leisure............. Wouldn't it be a better approach to look at your current situation as more of an "addiction" and view it from that perspective? One is passive the other is proactive. Focus on the only thing you can control, you! Everything else is b.s. No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
Owz600 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 2 and 4 for me atm, this sucks but has to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
comethemorning Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You do realize.... The Kubler-Ross stages mainly applied to trauma associated with death and dying............ That being said, unless your ex has come back from the dead and is now a zombie (which in a conventional sense would be major problem and most likely would need to be addressed on a board associated with the CDC or FEMA) he/she is pretty much alive and that throws a wrench in the Kubler-Ross stages mainly because the other person involved can rear their head at any time placing you anywhere on stages 1 to 5 at their leisure............. Wouldn't it be a better approach to look at your current situation as more of an "addiction" and view it from that perspective? One is passive the other is proactive. Focus on the only thing you can control, you! Everything else is b.s. No Foolin Sorry, I don't believe this. And neither does my therapist. I was married for 17 years and the way it ended, WAS a death (albeit not in the physical sense - but in every other way). And it seems odd then that most people who go through a severe emotional trauma (such as a break up, life changing illness, etc) seem to go through these stages. It is called mourning, and it is what you do when you lose something that is very important to you. Some people (believe it or not !) even go through these stages when they lose a job or their kids leave the nest for the last time! It is what it is, and acceptance of what it is, is the key to healing. The only stage that I did not, nor will I probably ever encounter regarding the end of my marriage, is Negotiation. Negotiating is NOT an option in my case. Stages 2 and 4 are a constant in my world, and will be for a very long time. Peace Link to post Share on other sites
comethemorning Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You know what's funny? Lately I have been feeling disbelief again. Because of the nature of the r/l itself (it was great for both of us, I know she loved me, I know she wanted to get married, etc) and the b/u (pretty out of the blue, she made her decision to b/u in a matter of weeks, not months). I keep asking "Why did she do this? How could she do this?" I think that MANY of us go through this stage repeatedly and intermittently. Actually, we go through them all like that, until we finally reach stage 5 - Acceptance. I cannot reiterate it enough - they are feelings, and feelings are never wrong. You, and only you, know what you are feeling, and no one has the right to tell you to feel differently. Any of the people who have tried to tell me how to feel, I have deemed toxic, and for the moment have removed them from my life. The main thing is my healing, and the healing of my children. The same goes for everyone else here who is suffering. Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
No Foolin Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 truly?....... Well then your therapist would know that there has been never any specific evidence that these stages exist, or account for people who don't go through these stages. Keep in mind it is called "stage theory" and it is just that, a theory. Also people tend to look at this model for "death and dying" as some sort of step system or form of advancement (just look at the thread were on and you'll see people waiting to advance.) It's not a catch all for every personal life trauma. Not to be arguementitive, but my take is this: Any theory that involves way to much individuation, wiggle room, exceptions and is way to short on "what do I need to do to move forward"; doesn't sound like a theory for people trying to recover and actually sounds like a theory based on people waiting to die............ Oh wait a minute it is a theory based on people waiting to die!!!!!!!!! Good thing y'all are alive and breathing. No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts