Sorry, I must politely decline the position of 'cuddle b*tch' -- She's back!!!

[durkadurka]

What a week. After being in a bitter feud for almost 2 months, my ex has a break from everything and pretty much confesses she regrets a lot of what she has done, and a lot of it has been motivated by her trying (and failing) to get over me.

 

She said no matter how hard she tried to hate me, she just couldn't stop thinking about me. Great, now I'm stuck in relationship purgatory. I don't want to be here.

 

This has got to be the down right craziest thing I've ever seen. It all started last Sunday.

Last Sunday

 

Okay so I thought I might post the entire story since I've been thinking about it a little bit, and I was hoping to get some feedback.

 

Last Sunday my ex called me. I was busy out for dinner with my grandparents because they are going on vacation for two months. I didn't pick up. She left a voice mail saying 'I've been thinking about you, I would really like to talk, I'm sure you're busy but call me back if you would like.'

 

She also sent me a text saying she's doing some reading, but to text her if I wanted to talk.

 

I didn't return her call for a little while, on Monday she sends me a text saying she put a bid on the company she is trying to buy.

 

I wasn't really interested in making contact with her, but I know she's having a hard time down there, so I sent her a bouquet of flowers, unsigned, just saying that she deserves something nice after all of her hard work.

 

Wednesday

 

She receives the flowers, and she texts me asking if they are from me. I don't admit it at first, but eventually cave. She starts freaking out because she's so excited and says she wants to talk to me on the phone tonight.

 

She calls me later on in the evening telling me how it made her day perfect, that she misses me so much, and that she really regrets some of the things that she's done. She was so angry the last time she saw me, that she did whatever she could to move on.

 

She said that she was really angry when I visited and I didn't say what she wanted to hear. I simply asked her, did it ever occur to you to ask what I meant instead of letting your imagination run wild?

 

She started saying that even before I sent the flowers she was looking at flights to come and visit me, and that she really just wants to spend time with me because she's been thinking about all the good times we've had together.

 

She also starts bashing the new guy she's seeing calling him a pansy and a worrier.

 

Anyways, she says that there's been a lot of stuff going on, that her dad was laid off and her brother is joining the army.

 

At this point she's in tears getting angry that we still aren't together, and says she just got sick of defending me to everyone. She really wishes things had worked out and that she didn't know what to do and that she wishes I could move down to be with her but she isn't sure if it would work.

 

I told her that if it was something she really wanted I would make it work.

 

She says she wishes she could run away with me and get some time away from her home, she doesn't want to explain it to anyone, she doesn't want to have to justify her actions of anyone.. she just wants to feel like someone isn't relying on her.

 

She suggests we go to Vegas.

 

At this point she seems really open to kind of seeing where things go, but it's in my heart that this is a big risk for me.

 

 

Thursday

 

I ask her to give me a call to sort out if she ACTUALLY wants to go or it this is another one of her shenanigans.

 

I told her that given what's happened between us, and the fact she's seeing someone else.. that we should take a day or two to think about what's going on.

 

She says she doesn't want to think about it too much, she just wants to go and see what happens.

 

I tell her that's what I did last time I came to visit and it didn't work out too well.

 

Friday

 

Friday I sent her a text just letting her know prices were going up. That I wish she was up here because I was doing one of her favorite things.

 

Mistake, I started encroaching.

 

Saturday

 

Saturday I get a text from her saying she's out wedding dress shopping with a friend of hers, she would call me later.

 

She calls me later on at night, I said I'm out at my grandparents place drinking a bottle of wine in front of the fire. She reminisces about how much fun that was and asks if I'm with anyone. I say no, I'm doing homework.

 

I start telling her about the trip, some ideas I had and she stops me cold.

 

She says 'I think I want to go as friends, I know you've worked really hard at moving on, I don't want you to get depressed when we go our separate ways, if you can do that, then we can go.'

 

My response was pretty simple, are you kidding? I told her I hadn't really thought about it, but that it's silly to go as friends. I tell her I'll call her back.

 

 

I never do. Instead, I send her a facebook message outlining what I think. It was pretty much, let's go down, have a wild time, I can't promise I'll be friends with her, I can't promise I won't make a pass at her, but I can promise it will be a memorable time.

 

She texts me asking where I disappeared to and why I haven't called her back.

 

I tell her to check her facebook, and that I'm going to sit in my hottub and have a glass of wine.

 

 

 

Annnnnnnnnnnd I haven't heard back from her. LOL.

 

 

Honestly, I wanted to make sure she'd meet me half way before I did anything with her. Like always, she comes up short.

 

I have no desire to be anyone's emotional tampon. I feel bad for her, and I wasn't asking her to get back into a relationship.

 

I was just asking her to say that this is something she really wanted to do.

 

What a headache.

[bl22]

Sounds like my ex, after we broke up for 2 weeks she would tell me how much she wants to make things work and for us to be good again, this was only when i was telling her to leave me alone, the minute i began to show any sort of sign i wanted her and us together, she backed off cold and made up excuses.

 

Same with yours, they want what they cant have, the minute they realise they can have it, they dont want it.

[durkadurka]

Sounds like my ex, after we broke up for 2 weeks she would tell me how much she wants to make things work and for us to be good again, this was only when i was telling her to leave me alone, the minute i began to show any sort of sign i wanted her and us together, she backed off cold and made up excuses.

 

Same with yours, they want what they cant have, the minute they realise they can have it, they dont want it.

 

I didn't exactly say I was going to give her what she wanted.

 

I can't deal with this crap though, life shouldn't be this complicated, if you have feelings for someone, why deny them?

 

Anyways, she's lost out on a relationship that would have been better for her than the one she's in.

 

She continues to disappoint.

 

Maybe I should have just taken the plunge, but last time that burned me. If she wants someone fun to escape with, she can escape with the new guy she's seeing, not me.

Edited November 15, 2010 by durkadurka

[Am4Real]

That’s quite the rollercoaster of a story. I like it!!

 

My take on this is that she is failing in her new relationship and she would like to know if there is still chemistry between you both. She didn’t really ask for anything except to talk and perhaps visit. When you pushed her into telling you something she was unsure of, it forced her to retreat.

 

If you really don’t want her back you should have just said NO THANKS.

 

It sounds like your ego got in the way a little bit. That’s okay, mine would have as well. But now that you know...you can either go ahead and tell her NO THANKS on the next contact (if there is one) or perhaps just take a meet and greet as what it is…a first date. After all you both took the first few dates pretty slowly didn’t you? Reconciliations normally take an equal slow time after a few weeks or months apart.

[durkadurka]

That’s quite the rollercoaster of a story. I like it!!

 

My take on this is that she is failing in her new relationship and she would like to know if there is still chemistry between you both. She didn’t really ask for anything except to talk and perhaps visit. When you pushed her into telling you something she was unsure of, it forced her to retreat.

 

If you really don’t want her back you should have just said NO THANKS.

 

It sounds like your ego got in the way a little bit. That’s okay, mine would have as well. But now that you know...you can either go ahead and tell her NO THANKS on the next contact (if there is one) or perhaps just take a meet and greet as what it is…a first date. After all you both took the first few dates pretty slowly didn’t you? Reconciliations normally take an equal slow time after a few weeks or months apart.

 

Yeah my ego did. The reality is I was afraid of overinvesting myself trying to get her back. I would have to pay for the flights for both of us, she's broke right now, and I'm worried about getting emotionally invested in her.

 

She's afraid of the same thing. But you're absolutely right, I took something that was impulsive and fun, and turned it into something serious, and that was a giant mistake.

 

The fact is, we both live in different cities now. I think that the glamour and glitz of making this giant effort to pull it back together when she was talking about it on Wednesday was attractive until a few days passed and she sobered up the the undertaking it would actually require.

 

I'm not sure if I should call her and follow up tomorrow, or just leave it up to her to get back to me.

 

The most important thing of what you said though is, you don't ask someone to visit or go on vacation, when you're seeing someone. It isn't innocent at all. I just asked her to come out and say it, and that was a mistake.

 

R

[durkadurka]

So this is the facebook message I sent her last night. From my point of view, it's ****ing hilarious, arrogant, and narcissistic. If she can't find the comedy in it that's her problem.

 

 

 

Talking to you on Wednesday night was fun. It has been a LONG time since I've heard you so excited! I've been concerned about you for a while, even though my pride wouldn't let me admit it.

 

Your suggestion of taking a detour from stress and taking a spontaneous trip and enjoying each others company is something that I think would be great. I mean really, who can't help but have fun in a 5 star hotel, on the Vegas strip with someone as fun as me?

 

On Thursday when we chatted you said you didn't like the idea of determining anything before it happens. Great , neither do I.

 

The reality is, I can't promise friendship, I can't promise I won't make a pass at you. You're hot. But I can promise that I will make the trip memorable. Certainly more memorable than your Halloween party where your friend was afraid to to drive after one drink.

 

This trip would be memorable for all the right reasons.

 

You and I have the chance to shelve our stress and escape from it all. What comes of it, I have no idea, and I'm not about to write a story that hasn't unfolded yet. You shouldn't try to either.

 

I'm not super interested in spending any more time deliberating about what's been said or done between the two of us. We each infer different things about what was said about Wednesday, maybe it's time to forget that conversation too. Maybe my excitement has scared you, I know, I'm a scary guy. (I kid I kid) I'll tone it down.

 

The fact is you want to escape with me. That brings me an immense amount of pleasure.

 

The only thing that is for certain is the more that we talk about it, the more we analyze everything on between us more and more of the glitz and glamor disappears from this trip. I don't want that to happen.

 

So answer me this Princess, do you want to have fun? Do you want to have a party that you will wish you could tell all of your friends about?

 

OR maybe most importantly, do you just want to hang out with a really awesome guy?

 

Talk to you soon.

 

[Am4Real]

From my point of view, it's ****ing hilarious, arrogant, and narcissistic. If she can't find the comedy in it that's her problem.

 

 

I agree that is a pretty good note.

 

There was a good amount of humor mixed with a hint or tone of seriousness; it was just enough to let her know she is dealing with one “smart cookie”. I mean that sincerely.

 

With a hint of mockery you let her know “what she was asking for” was not necessarily what you wanted in the long term but heck, if she wants to use you, you would return the favor.

 

It’s likely she was just expecting you to cave to her every whim. You did in a way, but you also let her know though this FaceBook message it was going to be on your term(s). Your terms was as simple as FUN (in the end)!

 

At this stage I’d let it go. If you continue to message her it’s only filling her ego and making you look weak.

 

I’d blow it off because right now you’re getting the better laugh and the last one at that….she is thinking of you all the time (as we know now) and she’s stuck with a guy who in every waking moment she is likely comparing with you. Seemingly you’re the one coming out first and foremost in her mind.

 

Touché my friend, touché from you to her!!!

 

This week you’re officially a WINNER!

[durkadurka]

I agree that is a pretty good note.

 

There was a good amount of humor mixed with a hint or tone of seriousness; it was just enough to let her know she is dealing with one “smart cookie”. I mean that sincerely.

 

With a hint of mockery you let her know “what she was asking for” was not necessarily what you wanted in the long term but heck, if she wants to use you, you would return the favor.

 

It’s likely she was just expecting you to cave to her every whim. You did in a way, but you also let her know though this FaceBook message it was going to be on your term(s). Your terms was as simple as FUN (in the end)!

 

At this stage I’d let it go. If you continue to message her it’s only filling her ego and making you look weak.

 

I’d blow it off because right now you’re getting the better laugh and the last one at that….she is thinking of you all the time (as we know now) and she’s stuck with a guy who in every waking moment she is likely comparing with you. Seemingly you’re the one coming out first and foremost in her mind.

 

Touché my friend, touché from you to her!!!

 

This week you’re officially a WINNER!

 

 

 

Bingo my friend, you got exactly what I was going for.

 

Now, if she'd only be like '**** it, let's go have fun.' I'd be as happy as a clam.

 

But I figure that even if she doesn't, I went out knowing I still have my balls.

[Am4Real]

 

Bingo my friend, you got exactly what I was going for.

 

Now, if she'd only be like '**** it, let's go have fun.' I'd be as happy as a clam.

 

But I figure that even if she doesn't, I went out knowing I still have my balls.

 

You’re in a better position now, more than ever perhaps, to heal. You now know the power you have over her and she now has nothing, not one single thing over you.

 

Go on and meet someone new now. You’re finally ready; you’re finally feeling good about YOU. Aren't you?

 

Make no more mistakes…if she contacts you let it go to “no man’s land” voicemail for it is NO MAN’S LAND where she is headed.

 

Believe me…she will be messing around on the new new guy in short order…it just will not be with you hopefully.

 

You’re FREE now…enjoy it….

[durkadurka]

You’re in a better position now, more than ever perhaps, to heal. You now know the power you have over her and she now has nothing, not one single thing over you.

 

Go on and meet someone new now. You’re finally ready; you’re finally feeling good about YOU. Aren't you?

 

Make no more mistakes…if she contacts you let it go to “no man’s land” voicemail for it is NO MAN’S LAND where she is headed.

 

Believe me…she will be messing around on the new new guy in short order…it just will not be with you hopefully.

 

You’re FREE now…enjoy it….

 

Well I'm not doing this for a position of dominance or anything, I was just trying to focus her on the idea that there is something good here for the both of us, if she will just grab it.

 

I've met other people, I didn't tell her that. I've kinda been messing around with two different girls.

 

The fact is the situations are what she makes them, and I'm sick of her ruining them. She had a great opportunity this week to just have some fun, instead of just saying.. let's have some fun... she would rather come down with the hammer.

 

Oh well.

[durkadurka]

Annnnnnnnnnnnd she calls.

 

She called me tonight because she didn't want me to think she was ignoring me. She said she had a really bad business meeting and she's starting to be really worn down by everything that has happened. She's thinking of walking away from it all. The problem is, with her dad recently being laid off and her mom being unemployed.. she doesn't know what to do.

 

I told her she should let someone that wants to have fun with her, take her to Vegas.

 

This is the 6th time her business plan has needed to be tweaked and she's running out of energy. She says she feels fat, unconfident, and dismayed.

 

Looks like I made the right move to break up with her I guess? I don't know. I will never take satisfaction from someone's misery.

 

She's broke, she's upset, and she's been exhausted of all of her energy.

 

She also said the message I sent her was fantastic, except for the party where I took a shot at the guy she's been seeing. She said that, for the most part, he's been great. She accidentally name dropped. It's hilarious. I don't know how I could have handled it better.

 

She said she typed a response a bunch to my message several different times, and she really wanted to send it. But the reality is that right now she's broke, she has no house, no apartment, and no money, and she just doesn't know what to do.

 

Every fiber of my body wants to be down there with her.

 

I told her that she has someone here the cares about her. But that I couldn't promise her my friendship, and that's that.

Edited November 15, 2010 by durkadurka

[durkadurka]

Today I woke up feeling kind of bad for her, but I can only be there for her if it's something she wants.

 

Gah.

[Am4Real]

I’m somewhat lost trying to follow your thinking or perhaps your emotions.

 

It seems you were once in a good emotional position since the break up; her recent contact with you has caused your state-of-heart to become one of turbulence and flamed old desires for her in these recent days.

 

Seemingly “she” does not know what she wants (other than it is not apparently you) and you want her. You've mentioned you are feeling sorry for her current state (she’s broke, she's upset, and she's been exhausted of all of her energy) and want to be with her in these times apparently even if you have to share her and her heart with another guy.

 

I presume you are thinking that once she revisits your arms she will not want to be anywhere else or with him. Is that it?

 

If it is you should read about the many, many posters on LoveShack who have had the same feelings and experimented with the same methods, all to no avail.

 

My friend this communication with your “confused EX” is not a healthy emotional place for you.

 

I believe you really need to make up your mind – do you want to work on healing yourself (again) and no longer let her tug at your hopes or desires without offering up a commitment to you -- or do you wish to continue being subservient to her games and confusing messages?

 

Perhaps you don’t realize how your words are being interpreted (by her).

 

For example considering you EX is still involved with another guy and eventually tells you “he is a pretty good person” after first complaining about him to justify contacting you, you tell her “she should let someone that wants to have fun with her, take her to Vegas”. I’m sure that sounded desperate to her. Give it your witty FaceBook post was designed to make you seem indifferent to her decision you’re really not are you?

 

In her mind she knows you still have feelings for her and she can come back to you as a last resort if her situation (financially, family, business, whatever...) become worse. You are in fact being established as her fallback plan.

 

Her contact with you has opened up old wounds that have you behaving in ways I’m sure would have you counsel others as not the best.

 

I really don’t think these continued conversations are healthy for your emotions or will bring about the end result you desire. What do you really want for yourself is my question to you?

[durkadurka]

I’m somewhat lost trying to follow your thinking or perhaps your emotions.

 

It seems you were once in a good emotional position since the break up; her recent contact with you has caused your state-of-heart to become one of turbulence and flamed old desires for her in these recent days.

 

Seemingly “she” does not know what she wants (other than it is not apparently you) and you want her. You've mentioned you are feeling sorry for her current state (she’s broke, she's upset, and she's been exhausted of all of her energy) and want to be with her in these times apparently even if you have to share her and her heart with another guy.

 

I presume you are thinking that once she revisits your arms she will not want to be anywhere else or with him. Is that it?

 

If it is you should read about the many, many posters on LoveShack who have had the same feelings and experimented with the same methods, all to no avail.

 

My friend this communication with your “confused EX” is not a healthy emotional place for you.

 

I believe you really need to make up your mind – do you want to work on healing yourself (again) and no longer let her tug at your hopes or desires without offering up a commitment to you -- or do you wish to continue being subservient to her games and confusing messages?

 

Perhaps you don’t realize how your words are being interpreted (by her).

 

For example considering you EX is still involved with another guy and eventually tells you “he is a pretty good person” after first complaining about him to justify contacting you, you tell her “she should let someone that wants to have fun with her, take her to Vegas”. I’m sure that sounded desperate to her. Give it your witty FaceBook post was designed to make you seem indifferent to her decision you’re really not are you?

 

In her mind she knows you still have feelings for her and she can come back to you as a last resort if her situation (financially, family, business, whatever...) become worse. You are in fact being established as her fallback plan.

 

Her contact with you has opened up old wounds that have you behaving in ways I’m sure would have you counsel others as not the best.

 

I really don’t think these continued conversations are healthy for your emotions or will bring about the end result you desire. What do you really want for yourself is my question to you?

 

No this situation has actually reminded me that I made the right move. I broke up with her because I knew this was coming.

 

I just feel terrible that she has to go through something like this.

[Am4Real]

No this situation has actually reminded me that I made the right move. I broke up with her because I knew this was coming.

 

I just feel terrible that she has to go through something like this.

 

Seemingly “she” does not know what she wants (other than it is not apparently you) and you want her. You've mentioned you are feeling sorry for her current state (she’s broke, she's upset, and she's been exhausted of all of her energy) and want to be with her in these times apparently even if you have to share her and her heart with another guy.

 

What is the right move you are referring to?

[durkadurka]

Seemingly “she” does not know what she wants (other than it is not apparently you) and you want her. You've mentioned you are feeling sorry for her current state (she’s broke, she's upset, and she's been exhausted of all of her energy) and want to be with her in these times apparently even if you have to share her and her heart with another guy.

 

What is the right move you are referring to?

 

Dumping her. From what you just quoted, how the f*** do you not grasp that?

[Am4Real]

how the f*** do you not grasp that?

 

 

 

There is no need to get nasty; I seem to be the only person following your thread so that might tell you something about the confusion.

 

I’m trying to be helpful and have you look hard at what you’re saying and possibly doing to yourself.

 

Believe me I write a lot in the forum and I have no intent of insulting you or causing any further grief. When I read a long list of posts that seemingly talk around the issue or sugar coast feelings (as is my hunch and not necessarily fact) I’m forcing upon you questions intended to bring about more conversation.

 

Perhaps in your case there is no more conversation and as you put it you’re glad you dumped her. Given that, let me put forward my perspective with the points, feelings and decisions you’ve mentioned in this two-page thread.

 

As I reference you’ve made several points throughout your posts so it is indeed difficult to determine which decision (or the “right move” as you put it) is the right one for you or the true heart-felt decision.

 

Let’s recap:

 

Decision One: in the beginning you made mention of your decision to respond to her attempt to contact you. You delayed and eventually responded.

 

Decision Two: rather than just respond to her you decide to anonymously send her a bouquet of flowers.

 

Decision Three: with a volley of messages and an invitation from your EX to meet-up in person, you decide NOT TO GO to Vegas with her because going “as friends is silly”. You used the words “are you kidding me” when talking with her as seemingly this would not meet your needs. I read this as your needs was a relationship reconciliation and your true desire making the original break up a mistake on your part.

 

Decision Four: in short order you reverse that decision and decide you do want to go to Vegas, even as friends and even though she is still with and attached to the new guy. I read this as you’ll take her any way you can right now and perhaps after a weekend in Vegas with you she will want you back as well.

 

Decision Five: you decide to communicate your decision not in person but on FaceBook.

 

NOTE: This can be considered (by the reader) as the second side-step of direct communications where the first was an anonymous bouquet of flowers and the second was a FaceBook message. Why would you not just pick up the phone and communicate directly; what’s with the indirect communications to such an important topic/issue?

 

Decision Six: in post #11 you were second guessing your decision to break up with her when you ended the thought with your words “Looks like I made the right move to break up with her I guess? I don't know”

 

In post #14 after back and forth messages you were asked “What do you really want for yourself is my question to you?” which was avoided,seemingly by decision, so that is still an open question. Let’s be straight in rephrasing the question:

 

1. Do you want to reconcile and are perhaps feeling set back since she does not show the same interest?
    
    
   
2. Do you not want to reconcile because of the flaws you insist make her imperfect for you and justify your original break-up decision? If this is so, then why are you pursuing her through all of these messages? Why not let her go? What does feeling sorry for her do not only for her but what does it really do for you?
   

 

All of the above decisions or “making the right moves” is documented in your thread. Understand again I’m not criticizing you but merely pointing out what we read often here on LoveShack as confusion or talk around the real issue when a person has not healed from the emotional turbulence with an EX. I sense this is your situation.

 

• I sense you were doing just fine healing until she called you.
   
   
  
• I sense when she opened the possibility of meeting up with you after bad mouthing her new boyfriend the thought of getting back together intrigued you.
   
   
  
• I sense when you found out she did not have similar interests, but rather was sending a very confusing suite of messages you were returned to feeling emotionally upset.
   
   
  
• I sense you are now questioning yourself and using your feelings of pity for her current condition as justification for continued communications while you hope she comes around to her senses and wants to get back with you.
  

 

I may be off base in this assessment but your back and forth feelings are a very common pattern we see in this forum and they’re fine, really, I’m sorry to have challenged you and perhaps irritated you, but I do it with the intent of bringing out whatever may be troubling so we can help you move past this stage.

 

Best wishes regardless,

 

Am4Real