kristinpea1979 Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Hello everyone! Well, here I am. I find myself in a situation where I am not sure what to make of it, and would love some advice or just some words of encouragement. I wrote "inexperienced dater" in my title, not because I haven't dated. I have. I am 31 with many long term relationships and countless dates (blind and otherwise) under my belt. My inexperience actually comes in the way of actual dating, or the period of time leading into a long term relationship. Apparently, I have been skipping that step and going right into the LTR (yes, I somehow had managed to find several guys who were just as willing as I was to jump right in head-first). The problem with that is, now that I am older and single and dating men who are more mature, know what they want and don't want to settle, I find myself confused and almost a little anxious about the dating process. I met a guy exactly 16 days ago. Well we had our first amazing date 16 days ago. We technically "met" online, however after facebooking and talking via text, we learned that we had many mutual friends and spend some time in the same circle, so there's a chance we'd already met in the past. We share MANY things in common, right down to our summer vacation spot. We've had a few great dates over the last 2 weeks, and we're in contact in one way or another every day. I've spent the night, and we've been "intimate" many times already. He's very affectionate, always wanting to be holding my hand, kissing me, touching me in some way, even if it just cuddling. After sex, he holds me, and does the same in the morning when we wake up. When we are physically together, I feel so happy and so sure. It's when we're not together that I begin to wonder and doubt his feelings and intentions, and wonder where this is going. Although, from what I am hearing, THIS is what dating is! How do I resist the urge to have the "where is this going?" conversation?! So far, I have played it very cool. I don't make myself too available, I let him initiate the plans, too. I don't text him back right away, I don't seem to eager, too desperate or too clingy. He seems really interested, and is always in touch, usually via text. Over the course of the day he will check in to say hi, and usually once every couple hours, even though he's very busy, he will often just send me a ":-)" face, or a kiss face or a wink. These things seem very promising in my eyes, and he seems interested in continuing our "relationship." I guess I am just wondering if I should keep things going as they are, and if this is the normal way a relationship should progress. We will go a few days without hanging out (which I know is normal, but in my twisted relationship past, it is much more normal to dive right in and spend every waking moment together, lol). I have heard that the "where is this going?" conversation is unnecessary, and that I should let things progress naturally. I can't help wondering where I stand though, if he is hanging out with anyone else in the same capacity, etc. It's just hard when you haven't discussed exclusivity, yet act like a couple when you are physically together. Any perspective on this would be appreciated. I think it's a little sad that we've lost sight of what it actually means to date, and to get to know a person, and how we start to doubt things when they don't happen at lightning speed. In actuality, I'd love for my future relationship, whether it be this one or the next, to begin this way - I guess it is just a little foreign to me and it freaks me out a little when a guy has a life and isn't going to give it all up for a woman he's known for under 3 weeks. On a side note, he did show up to my birthday dinner last week with my family :-) Thanks in advance for the insight!
welikeincrowds Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 The only reason you wouldn't ask "where is this going" is because it's not the right question. No one can predict the future, after all. By the way, **** "normal." Asking about normalcy is only rarely helpful. What really matters here is what is specifically going on with you, and between you and him. If I'm reading you right, this is about exclusivity. Also, from "skipping that step" I suppose that means that you're used to the guy you're dating taking the initiative in asking about exclusivity before you have the chance to wonder much about it. So this time, you may be the one be bringing it up first. If you think you're ready to be exclusive, then there's no reason not to bring it up with him; be prepared to hear either answer. If you're not ready, then I suppose there's nothing to bring up.
BobSacamento Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 It's been 16 days, do you think that is a long time to be dating?
sanskrit Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 It seems that you are not really changing your formula of the past, and are moving into a relationship very quickly. Is it his hesitance to enter a full-blown relationship that makes you think otherwise? Having sex so early is usually a mistake, one I have made several times in life. Sex adds pheromones and hormones into the equation that can cloud our judgment. My best advice for dating, should this one not turn out well, is to actually date and keep several options at once. Go out with several men 2-5 times over a period of months before settling into a relationship with one.
AverageJoe Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Having sex so early is usually a mistake, one I have made several times in life. In your own personal experience.
sanskrit Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 In your own personal experience. No, based on mine and my friends' experiences, and general learning about relationships, I can say fairly surely that having sex very early is a mistake for most situations.
AverageJoe Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 No, based on mine and my friends' experiences, and general learning about relationships, I can say fairly surely that having sex very early is a mistake for most situations. Disagree. Having sex is a success for both parties regardless of when. Having sex and then adding the element of expectations afterwards is the mistake.
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