Probably going to break NC

[Kura77]

Hey folks, first post here, let me just say that this site is a godsend. I'm 32, and broke up with my gf at the end of February, after 6 years together. She's the same age & has a son. She was pretty much the dumper in this situation, although it was kind of mutual in that I didn't try & stop her, mostly because we were still planning on staying friends.

 

I should mention that this was my first serious relationship, lost my virginity to her, and thus my first break-up, so not too experienced.

 

So we've been friends since, hanging out 1-3 times a week, my place or hers, or with her family, and were planning on going halves in a deposit on a house together next year, which I'd said she & the boy could live in. More on that later. I've also lent/given her a decent sum of money over this year, approx $11,000, to help with her credit card bills. She's paid some back, but I've never pursued it, because honestly I don't really give a sh*t about the money, all I want is her.

 

Off & on throughout this period of friendship she'd said I need to move on, didn't want to give me false hope, and suggested I try internet dating sites or get out more. I'm pretty introverted & usually just kick it at home. She'd also said she "didn't think" we'd be getting back together. Anyway last Sat 6 Nov she comes to my house, and I get the dreaded words "we need to talk". She says she wants to make sure I'm not going halves on the house just as a way to get her back, because "we're not getting back together". Well, that was really the reason I was doing it, and while I didn't tell her this, I didn't deny it either, and started tearing up a bit. It became kind of awkward after that, I was just trying to fight the tears & couldn't really speak, and she left soon after. Then I get a text about half an hour later, saying "I'm sorry but I think it's best I stay away so you can move on". I started to reply with some huge emotion-filled rant, then thought better of it, and didn't reply at all.

 

And thats it - its now been one week & two days of no contact. The pain is unbearable, I'm living my life one hour at a time.

 

She's never really given a proper reason why she broke up with me, but did say towards the end that I'd stopped trying to "woo her". Which is true, I was kind of taking her for granted. Which is why, despite her giving me no indication we can be together again, I've decided to try & woo her back. I'm planning on trying a single red rose, with a poem which is half sad, half funny coz I believe the way to a woman's heart is thru her funnybone, along with the usual letter explaining my feelings. TBH, I don't think this will work, and I don't want to break NC, but I have to try something. I HAVE TO TRY! I can't just leave it. I'm even planning on being friends again if nothing else.

 

The problem I have with no contact is that, sure, I might get over her (although I can't imagine that ever happening at the moment) but I don't actually want to get over her. I want (need?) her in my life, in some capacity. The thought of life without her, even if I'm over her, even if I'm with someone else, just makes me miserable. Any thoughts or advice anyone can give me would be hugely appreciated. Apologies for the length of this post, I've also tried to keep the tone kind of upbeat, but the truth is I'm dying inside, and need help.

[bl22]

You want the truth here?

 

She is playing you BIG TIME!!!!! She has no respect for you whatsoever, it seems all she cares about is herself and she has you wrapped around her little finger. She knows she has power over you right but you need to be strong for yourself and stand up to her. She isnt even being made to feel guilty for her actions because you're carrying on being friends with her and not showing her that the way shes treating you is disrespectful and wrong.

 

Once a woman loses respect for you, thats it, theyll treat you like you dont matter and you need to regain that respect. You need to show her what shes missing and dont do it for her, do it for you. All this woo'ing stuff isnt going to work. It will make her lose more respect for you. If I was you id say 'look, i aint taking this bs any longer its all or nothing, I aint being made to feel like a fool and I deserve to be with someone who respects me. If you dont want us to be together thats fine your decision, but you wont hear from me again' then go NC.

[AlisaMarie]

Hello!

I feel for you, I really do. I can't stand thet feeling of wanting someone so much and them not feeling the same. Please don't blame yourself. When you mentioned that you took her for granted, I feel like you trying to blame yourself. She ended it, she hurt you. she left. Keep the NC up! BUT don't wait to hear from her... I am almost at 2 weeks, the first week I thought for sure I would hear from him, but didn't. It just gets easier and easier every day. It's like giving up an addiction. Read some self help books and talk to someone! You are going to be fine.

[Am4Real]

So we've been friends since, hanging out 1-3 times a week, my place or hers, or with her family, and were planning on going halves in a deposit on a house together next year, which I'd said she & the boy could live in. More on that later. I've also lent/given her a decent sum of money over this year, approx $11,000, to help with her credit card bills. She's paid some back, but I've never pursued it, because honestly I don't really give a sh*t about the money, all I want is her.

 

 

Kura,

 

First loves and first break ups are tough – they don’t necessarily get easier when it happens again (and it will), it’s just that most are so inexperienced and unprepared emotionally when the first one occurs.

 

She may have given you a hint in saying that you were not giving her enough attention. Let’s go with that for a minute.

 

The most inappropriate action and certain to fail act on your part is to give her attention right now, presuming of course you are thinking this is what she wants and you should give to her. You need to leave her alone and let her think for however long it takes (days, weeks or months).

 

It is likely she has been feeling neglected for some time and possibly had/has emotionally checked out of the relationship long before the break up. In support of this idea she is trying to let you down slowly, hence the limited contact between you both for a few weeks before suggesting you break up and stay apart for the long term.

 

I really don’t think she is playing with you; I think she checked out of the relationship and has thought long and hard about the future without you and made her decision. Now she just wants you to be on the same page as her and due to her inexperience she is making it difficult for you both.

 

I know you don’t want to hear this but it is also very likely in the absence of attention and care from you she has received such attention from someone else. Don’t let that idea make you crazy – it may be nothing at all. However, you need to stay away from her and work on yourself and healing. If she realizes she made a mistake it WILL ONLY COME ABOUT because she has had long days without you.

 

If you attempt to “woo” her or suggest ideas or want to talk, it will only push her away. Much is written on the internet about the “push and pull” dynamics between couples experiencing a break up or having serious tensions within a relationship. Basically the more you push an idea or thought on her the more she will pull away.

 

By leaving her alone you are neither pushing nor pulling and if she wants you back it will be her who will push towards you. Don’t count on it though…just heal yourself, that’s the most important thing you can do at this stage.

 

Best wishes,

 

Am4Real

[Kura77]

Thanks for your replies all, much appreciated. Another 2 days of no contact go by, not getting any easier. I've written a letter for her, but holding off giving it for now. Thanks again.

[Kura77]

Probably nobody reading this thread anymore but I'm posting anyway. After writing & re-writing & AGONISING about this bloody letter for her I decided it wasn't a good idea and might push her further away.

But then - despite everyone's good advice - I go & text her. After 2 weeks & 2 days NC - not long compared to some folk but felt like a lifetime. I go "Hey u hows it goin" and she's like "Good how are you, you ok?" and I'm like "Yeh I'm gettin by". I then told her I was still keen on the house - why I don't know coz this won't make it any easier to get over her - and she's like "I've thought about it but no, thanks though". She was so keen before our little thing on Nov 6 and now she ain't keen no more. So I texted back I'd still like to catchup and no need for us to be strangers, and she said she didn't want to be strangers either, and that was ok.

And that was that. I can't handle not having her in my life - even as a friend. I know I should go NC - again - but it's just so depressing not seeing her, talking to her. I don't think I'm strong enough.

I joined the gym today, in an attempt to feel better about myself and get over her. But I don't know if I've got the motivation to go - or do anything - without her around. I'm contemplating suicide - the only thing stopping me is what it would do to my parents and there'd be nobody to look after my cat. Life is sh*t - the end.

[nea clementine]

Hey,

Don't do it. The thought of comitting suicide is something deep and usually stems from something bigger.

There are a lot of feelings involved and experienced post break-up, and one of these may be the trigger for the thought.

 

Whenever you are feeling down, come here to LS. We're all in the same boat and we might be able to help you get over these feelings. You can talk to us, ak questions, comments...but the real healing needs to come from you. All the right stuff is always inside, never outside.

In the meantime I suggest you talk to a therapist or someone in a similar line of profession, because the suicide thought indicates something more serious.

 

Hang in there, mate. We're all here. Drop by anytime.

[Am4Real]

Probably nobody reading this thread anymore but I'm posting anyway. After writing & re-writing & AGONISING about this bloody letter for her I decided it wasn't a good idea and might push her further away.

But then - despite everyone's good advice - I go & text her. After 2 weeks & 2 days NC - not long compared to some folk but felt like a lifetime. I go "Hey u hows it goin" and she's like "Good how are you, you ok?" and I'm like "Yeh I'm gettin by". I then told her I was still keen on the house - why I don't know coz this won't make it any easier to get over her - and she's like "I've thought about it but no, thanks though". She was so keen before our little thing on Nov 6 and now she ain't keen no more. So I texted back I'd still like to catchup and no need for us to be strangers, and she said she didn't want to be strangers either, and that was ok.

And that was that. I can't handle not having her in my life - even as a friend. I know I should go NC - again - but it's just so depressing not seeing her, talking to her. I don't think I'm strong enough.

I joined the gym today, in an attempt to feel better about myself and get over her. But I don't know if I've got the motivation to go - or do anything - without her around. I'm contemplating suicide - the only thing stopping me is what it would do to my parents and there'd be nobody to look after my cat. Life is sh*t - the end.

 

Do not send her a note or anymore texts -- leave her alone -- if she is meant to be in your life she will come to you. The more you PUSH towards her the further she will PULL away from you. This is whay things are not making sense to you right now. The house she wanted at one time she doesn't want now, for example. You are pushing the house and she is pulling away, etcetera.

 

You need to work on yourself. Joining the gym was a great idea and there are many others.

 

See if the methods described in this thread help you at all: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3113054&postcount=7