I have really big doubts about my last meeting

[Laurik]

First of all i want to tell you that i'll try to make this post as little as i can not to become boring for the one who is reading it.

Three weeks have past since my gf broke up with me mainly because of arguing like two childs(we are 21 both)and because we were high and mighty.I begged her,acted needy and finally revenged like a moron(nothing very big) and no result.After the waters cooled she asked me to remain friends and i accepted mainly because i thought that was a chance to reunite with her.

Last week i discovered the ex2 system of Matt Houston and read it twice and applied the NC method,this is something like ignore your gf and she'll come back to you.After 4 days of not contacting her she called me and asked me a meeting because it was her birthday last week and wanted to give me a drink,i accepted and today i've met her.

I applied most of the advices found on that book and i was very cool,confident and cheerful and i didnt acted needy,disperate or sad.We laughed a lot and talked anything but nothing about our past relationship.Before i left her home he hugged me for about 3 minutes ,kissed me on the cheek and said to me "i was very happy to spend that time with you,i really missed you very much"and she had little tears in her eyes.After that she got out of the car and left.At that moment i was thinking...wow it's been a very good meeting,i progressed a lot in trying to get my girl back.Some other things happened during the meeting that maked me think like that and those are:She chilled of my hands because i was very cold,she teased me very much,she acted almost like we were together but with no kisses,hugs and touches.And to return at what happened after that.She called me and asked me if i was dating someone else because it was something weird about me all that happines and smiling,i told her no,asked her the same and got the same answer.After that i asked why asking and she told me because some time from now on i cant imagine that you date another girl and i told her thats my feeling too,i never imagine you would date another guy.After a break she told me well once and once one of us will meet another guy/girl and one of us will have to accept this.I said ok and thats all.

Now the bolded thing really destroyed me...i had so much hopes in getting her back and she dispelled all of it with only one phrase.

Now after reading all that please can you give me some advices what to do next?Try to contact her after some days and go to another meet or stick to NC method and let her contact me,if she will ever do that.I have really big doubts and i really dont know what to do from this point.

Excuse me if there is bad language,english is not my native language.Thank you very much in advance.

[bl22]

Trust me when i say....by her saying that, she already has someone in mind, or is going to look for someone else.

 

You dont say **** like that if you are planning to make up with the person you say you love, you only say that if you are planning something else. Sorry to say, stick to NC, it seems like youve gone out on a high here so she will rememebr you in a good way but it feels like she wants to try other options and you cant do a thing about it im afraid .

 

best chance is staying NC and keeping cool, dont carry on being friends with her it will only ease her guilt and will kill you deep down in the long run, specially when you find out shes dating someone else.

[Laurik]

Pff..i was affraid of an answer like that...i think i already knowed what u told me but i didnt want to see it for real...Thank you for the reply,waiting for another ones as well.

[Laurik]

Update:Today she called me and we talked for about 20 minutes only as friends just as i expected.Tho i didnt expect her to call me so soon i didn't had the guts to tell her not to contact me anymore because i'm scared of losing her entirely.

I really cant understand how a women can ignore all the good and bad moments that we had together and talk only about nonsense..like her friends,relatives and what she did today etc

I think i really need to man the f.. up but i CANT :| And i cant describe my feelings..its so damn...

If any other advices on your mind please shoot!

[shayan]

laurik if it feels bad it probably is. My advice (and I'm studying for an exam right now so it might be a little off is) talk to her be honest tell her that you want her back, don't be a depserate clingy though just be honest. This whole game you're playing seems like it works sometimes but in your situation or in any situation I'd say if someone wants to be with you'll they'll come back. That's what true love is. It seems like she misses you in her life and need's that old input however she is looking towards new oppurtunities in the future. That's why she is so friendly.

[Laurik]

Atm i think i will not contact her anymore and if she does i'll mirror her 100%.

After a while when i think its the right moment i'll meet her again and tell my feelings again without being needy/disperate.If then i will not make any progress i'm going to let her alone and life goes on!

Anyway i'll update any news if i need further advices

Thank you again for all the things you said.

[Laurik]

Another update:Today she called me again and we talked about her driver license exam,her fights with her parents and irelevant other things for about half an hour.I can't support anymore her acting..ffs only friends it drives me crazy,anyway didnt showed that.At the end of the conversation i asked her a meet on Friday or Saturday night and told her i need to talk to her and she accepted.

Thats my plan:I'm going to hang out with her,maybe in a park or smth like that,we'll talk about her things and if i dont get any sign of giving her guard down i'm going to ask her politely after a month of separation another chance.If i get a yes that's done and my hard work here begins,if not in going to smile and tell her ok,i respect your decision so be it.And before leaving her home im going to give her a little gift,a framed photo with us and i'll tell her,I respected your decision please take this gift in our memory and i want to ask you to respect my decision too.I want some time to heal myself and not to contact me anymore(Here i really want her to see the life without me because atm i think she's using me only to have another friend for complains)

I think thats the best thing i can do right now,right?

If you can give me another advices about the meeting,about the signs i could look for to know she lets her guard down please help me.And if u have suggestions about what should i do with her write here.

Thank you in advance

[bl22]

Trust me when i say, she's just using you to ease her feelings of guilt, she'll drop you when she has someone else!!!

 

Dont be used like this! If she doesnt want to be with you then she doesnt want to be with you, she shouldnt have the right to know whats going on with you and you talking to her about stuff you dont care about right now.

You cant be friends with her if you stil have feelings for her trust me. You need to say to her 'look I dont want to be just friends with you, I cant be just friends with you and if were not going to be together then stop contacting me, I deserve more than that, take the space you need but I cant gurantee Ill be here when you're ready cause im not waiting'

 

Make sure you say that last part, Then dissapear!!!

 

It might feel like you will lose her, but you are already losing her, and you'll lose her and she'll THINK shes done a good thing by slowly being friends with you then edging out slowly, until BAM, shes gone...and shes ditched you with no hard feelings.

 

If you disapear now, making sure you said what I said about deserving better and not waiting around. You'll have the best chance of her missing you and the relationship you had. Otherwise she'll keep calling you when she feels like it , giving you false hope and you'll be gutted when she leaves you for someone else.

 

Dont make the mistakes alot of us have made already here.

[cerridwen]

 

You cant be friends with her if you stil have feelings for her trust me. You need to say to her 'look I dont want to be just friends with you, I cant be just friends with you and if were not going to be together then stop contacting me, I deserve more than that, take the space you need but I cant gurantee Ill be here when you're ready cause im not waiting'...

 

It might feel like you will lose her, but you are already losing her, and you'll lose her and she'll THINK shes done a good thing by slowly being friends with you then edging out slowly, until BAM, shes gone...and shes ditched you with no hard feelings.

 

If you disapear now, making sure you said what I said about deserving better and not waiting around. You'll have the best chance of her missing you and the relationship you had.

 

Such such good advice. 100% agree. Say what you need to say, what's honest and true so you don't have regrets later, then walk away. Unfortunately, you don't have control in this situation and playing games (like that book suggests) gives you a false sense that you do.

 

I'm rooting for you Laurik.

Edited November 18, 2010 by cerridwen

[Laurik]

Good things that i need to know.Thank you for sharing and facing me the truth that I CANT SEE.Or i dont wanna see.It feels so good when ppl are trying to help you and see someone is really reading your problems.

After the meeting i'll update one last time this topic and will tell you what happened.

Ty again

[darran]

Yea man...don't be clingy, don't give her a framed pic and blab all that nonsense you were gonna blab...honestly mate...it WONT change a thing.

 

Man up and be straight with her and if she plays around walk away...if you both genuinely love each other mate, at least if she GENUINELY loves you in a way she wants to be with you you'll not have long before you start getting what you want.

 

Just don't be bloody clingy, desperate or pressure or talk like "so are we or are we not"... remember when you first met her? Ok then be like that.

 

If you cant then you need to get a bit of strength back so go no contact.

 

Goodluck dude, its not all bad and it does get better.

[Chance_taker]

Im stuck in the same situation as you my friend. We were together 3 years then bam out of seemingly nowhere she's gone. I was NC for 2 months and moving on with my life and gave in and met her about a month ago. Big mistake. I thought maybe we would get back together because we were doing a lot of the same things we used to do. Come to find out she was basically using me to get over me completely and I lost all chances of a future with this girl because I didn't stick with my NC until I was completely over her. Guess what Im saying is be gone from her life. That is your ONLY way of having any chance of a future with this girl. Don't be her crutch to get over the relationship. And whatever you do, do not give her that picture. And to be honest with you man I would cancel on her this weekend by saying something came up because you are not ready for her to reject you which will most likely happen from the sounds of it. If you cancel it may even intrigue her curiosity a little anyways in my opinion. Anyhow good luck and keep us posted.

[Laurik]

Damn...you are saying not to give her the photo...and not to meet her...and thats the only thing i've thought since yesterday...

I would like to yeeellll soooo hard bleahhh...ffs i cant recognize myself

I think only a last meeting and doing what i wanted to do will open my eyes and help me get over this.About the photo.. i want her to see every time she looks at it that SHE lost me and when she'll have a bad mood about anything in her life i want to remember that i could have been there to help her but she didnt accepted me.

But...i think i'm not going to give her the photo and i'm not going to ask another chance.I'll meet her and after bla bla bla...nothing happens i'll tell her what bl22 told me "look I dont want to be just friends with you, I cant be just friends with you and if were not going to be together then stop contacting me, I deserve more than that, take the space you need but I cant gurantee Ill be here when you're ready cause im not waiting" and that's all.

Thank you again:)

[bl22]

Damn...you are saying not to give her the photo...and not to meet her...and thats the only thing i've thought since yesterday...

I would like to yeeellll soooo hard bleahhh...ffs i cant recognize myself

I think only a last meeting and doing what i wanted to do will open my eyes and help me get over this.About the photo.. i want her to see every time she looks at it that SHE lost me and when she'll have a bad mood about anything in her life i want to remember that i could have been there to help her but she didnt accepted me.

But...i think i'm not going to give her the photo and i'm not going to ask another chance.I'll meet her and after bla bla bla...nothing happens i'll tell her what bl22 told me "look I dont want to be just friends with you, I cant be just friends with you and if were not going to be together then stop contacting me, I deserve more than that, take the space you need but I cant gurantee Ill be here when you're ready cause im not waiting" and that's all.

Thank you again:)

 

I know the feeling here, I had a picture of me and my ex which was taken when we were together and i got the film developed when we broke up, i felt like sending the picture with 'remember the good times' on the back...but im glad i didnt.

 

Anything you do, will make things worse...just remember that. No matter how nice or affectionate or anything , it will just make matters worse. She doesnt want to think of you right now, so if you try and do something like sending her a picture i gurantee it will ONLY piss her off. She wont look at it and think 'ohh what have i done' she'll look at it and think 'god what a desperate guy im glad i got rid'

 

BUT....let me tell you that you dont need a picture for her to cherish the relationship. She has a milion pictures in her head of your relationship providing its a good 1, and they wont be going away anytime soon. Memories will stay forever and she needs to cherish what you had IN HER OWN TIME.

It needs to come from her , not you. Only when she thinks you are well and truly gone will she ever think 'what have i done' then she will start to reminiss. This could be way off though yet, i dont know what kind of relationship you guys had but Im guessing it was a nice loving 1. Its hard to take, im in your situation but a month and half of no contact now. I miss her like crazy but whatever I did only made things worse.

 

If you want any chance of getting her back you have to think long term, there is no way it will happen soon. You need to work on yourself, become a better person, and she'll see you ina new light when that time comes, and then guess what ...You'll be the 1 in control...but trust me when i say, dont contact her, dont give her the satisfaction of her knowing your thinking about her.

[darran]

Anything you do, will make things worse...

 

Brilliant...!

 

Laurik, as hard as it is to take and it may hurt like hell but really man...don't do anything. There are umpteen reasons why someone breaks up and there are things you do and don't do depending on what happened...ya know what I mean mate? Honestly, for your situation the best thing to do is just vanish...don't be a prick about it, if she calls just say..."hey, would you just gimme some time so the dust can settle. Can you just leave me alone for a bit? No hard feelings."

 

I remember I hung on for about 9 months. I was in the same position...I also did all her dirty work like filling out resumes for work while she went to Thailand with her mate...ya know, doing everything for her "thinking" it would get her back...guess what...she didn't come back. I've also sent flowers in the past, letters, you name it man, even travelled 130 miles by train and bus just to be rejected all over again! this s**t just doesn't work. It just makes you look like a fool and makes everything harder for you to get yourself together.

 

It will get better, honestly and you'll feel bloody great when you realise what all the fuss was about. There are stages of grief...read up about it. I mean, I used to play a track by Strapping Young Lad, called "SYL"... dude... playing this loud and really hearing it helped me get over it!!!

 

I dunno what you did but when you make someone your life, and yes its normal when you do actually love them...but when they become the centre of your happiness the loss it greater. That's why having a life outside of your partner is important.

 

Do the things you did before you met her mate. Get out and have a good social life, if you don't have one already that is...just ride it through mate and realise that there are women out there who will want to be with you. Not everyone is compatible and for one reason or another we always tend to make mistakes...that is, getting with someone for all the wrong reasons...she may have done that but you wont know while you're still an emotional mess!!!!!

 

I hate to sound patronising man, its sore as hell being dumped...I honestly feel for you but do yourself a favour and start looking out for yourself and man up!!!

[Laurik]

Good advices,ty again friends!!!

Today i'm going to meet her.No clingy,no needy,no photo,no another chance,no nothing.

Cool,confident and a movie at the cinema and if nothing happens from her,bye bye my lover,bye bye my friend:)

Updates coming soon

[Laurik]

I feel so good my friends!!!! And i didnt get her back at all!!!

What happened today?

Well..i got to the mall to see the movie and at the entrance she told me...we can watch the movie here or at my place,u choose.Ofc i choose at her place.

We arrived at hers and ordered some food and watched grown ups,a comedy.Untill at that point all thigs were doing great..half of the movie i didnt touched her and after i really couldnt control my self i got freaky emotionaly and very easy i tooked her hand and after 10 minutes she was in my arms.Again at this point i was....weeeee:)) Ofc in my head.

The movie ended and i because all things i thought were ok i tried to kiss her but she said NO.Ffs at that point i was i cant believe this,she's playing games with me!!!I couldnt control myself and burst into tears like a little child but in 3 seconds i remembered MAN UP DUDE,MAN UP!!! And i smiled and told her...yea ure right we shouldnt do this because we are only friends.After that i went to a mirror and i speaked in my head Gather up,be a man and tell her what you want to do(at this time she was behind me watching me).I tooked her hand and i said to her i respect your decision,but we cant be friends anymore because i love you so much and i cant wait untill you are ready to give me another chance.I need some time to gather myself and to live my life without you.At this point she bursted into tears and cried for about half an hour and begged me only to remain friends.I told her..i cant see you anymore and she told me pleeease only once a month i want to speak with you only at the phone,thats all im asking.In my head i had only an answer and that was NO and that's the answer she got from me.Before i left she told me...i love you soooooo much baby thats why i what only to remain friends and i was thinking...yea yea ofc only till u bang another guy and then u will forget about me.

That was the first time when i saw her DISPERATE,i was wooooow i cant believe my eyes.

I left her place and standed in frot of her building in the car for about 5 minutes and she was on the window and looked at me.After i started the engine she called me instant and again begged me to remain friends,i told her no and after that she asked me are you sure is a no?and i told her yes i'm very sure its a no.And she told me ok then you'll never get a sign from me your entire life.Good night/Good night and thats was all.

Now... my last hope with her is gone and even if i really want to get back with her i feeeeeel so gooood that all the things some of you told me were so freakin RIGHT!!!

THANK YOU GUYS,THANK YOU FROM THE DEEP OF MY HEART!You really helped me a lot!

Now im asking some of your opinions about what happened tonight and i need again some advices what to do next because i'm not really in the mood to meet another girls and stuff like that.

Thank you again,again and again

[Chance_taker]

Good job on turning the friendship down man. That was only for her own selfish reasons and had nothing to do with you. She sounds like she's confused and frankly a bit immature. You need to keep far away from this girl at least until you are completely over her and then it will be on your terms as to whether you will give her another chance if she wants to . That will make you much more attractive in her eyes if you are able to walk away from her friendship trap now. She says you will never hear from her again but the way she acted tonight, I can almost guarantee she will reach out when you aren't there and you'e moving on. Just make sure you maintain your word of not being friends with her and try and get on with your life. Good luck and post if anything changes

[bl22]

Well done dude

 

Youve done all you can, now she will probably try and contact you again sometime, DO NOT ANSWER IT, DONT CHECK HER FACEBOOK!!!

 

Your going out on a high here if you dont feed her ego when she tries to contact you. You 2 wont be getting back together anytime soon, but youve given yourself a chance at 1 possible reconcilation LONG TERM down the future, meaning if you try again anytime soon, over the next few months it will FAIL big time.

 

You both need time apart, it will hurt like hell but you've done all you can.

[Wilie]

Your at the stage i am.. except i am married and going through divorce, and she eeps stringing me along almost every week. This time i vow to have no contact, today is my first day AGAIN!! Keep strong and busy, and DONT answer ANYTHING she sends or pic up when she calls.. trust me, it sets you back to square 1 everytime..

 

wilie

[Laurik]

I've deleted her as a friend on facebook,erased all telephone numbers,yahoo/skype etc and i'll not contact her no matter what happens.

As you said bl22 i've done all i could do!!

 

You're not the first person that tells me she's immature but i liked her the way she was,now its gone and thats it.

 

I don't think she'll ever contact me because she's a very stubborn person and when she says something she keeps her promise but i don't care anyway,her behaviour in this night really made me saw she's selfish and only used me as an emotional tampon.

[Laurik]

Today on yahoo messenger i got an offline message from her:

" I saw you erased me on facebook,nice!It seems the persons that wish you only the best things you dont want to keep them as friends.Nvm i saw u kept another person,maybe it was enough(here was talking about my ex-ex).Now im going to delete you from my yahoo messenger list.Thank you anyway.Only one thing i've asked to be friends and you didnt wanted and you didnt care at all if its bad for me or not."

You know my position so i'll stick to it whatever she does.

I really cant understand her behaviour its like a seismic chart with ups and downs...here she's judgind me,after 2 sec she tells me she'll delete me on her ym,after another 2 she's telling her last wish of being friends..

Anyway this offline gived me a lot more power because before sleep last night i had a feeling of remorse and in my head were all her tears begging..begging and i was a little nervous during the day till now.

Edited November 21, 2010 by Laurik

[Laurik]

It feels very awkward till now with this NC and that remorse feeling is being so frequently present in my head but i keep myself busy and try not to think about nonsense again.

I'll update any news when i get something new.

[SeriousBob12]

Stop feeling bad dude. You're putting her on a pedestal, as if she's this high and mighty being that god-forbid might be upset...*gasp*

 

What about you dude? What about the agony and hurt that you've experienced? In devil's advocate terms, has she been putting as much thought into the emotional hell that you've been going through?

 

She's a girl who dumped you, so probably not.

 

You come first, she comes last. If she's upset, so be it she'll learn to get over it. If she tries to make you feel bad or guilty, so be it she's just one person in this world of 8 billion people.

 

You have nothing to be ashamed for regretful about. You've conducted yourself in a good manner, don't fall for her attempts to drag you down a notch.

[Laurik]

Hmmm the big difference between us is that she's a more,more active person than me and maybe stronger and she filled her time with many other activities that helped her to get over this at a certain point.

She saw a period of time after the break up that i was hurt,messed up bla bla and the only things she told me were...we'll never be together again,deal with it.

I dont think she ever thought about me and felt sorry about my pain because so many times imediately after the break up she ignored me as well.

You are for sure right i shouldnt feel guilty or bad about what i did but she is she,i am i:) We are two different persons that react different.

Tho when i see a post like yours that encourages me and really opens my eyes i feel...hmmm cant find the word...i think relieved is the best word,relieved because i've done all i could do to get her back..And after the night falls and i wake up in the morning..bleahh the ugly picture of her tears printed in my head appears.But i know it will be gone sometime soon

Thank you for the heads up