Do you see the red flags in hindsight

[Woggle]

When people are in the fog of love they tend to ignore all the negative aspects of the person. Of course down the road they after everything goes wrong they see all the red flags and things they should have paid attention to. When I look my ex was covered in red flags but at the same I was too blind to notice. Looking back at bad relationships do you see things that should have made you pause?

[theBrokenMuse]

When people are in the fog of love they tend to ignore all the negative aspects of the person. Of course down the road they after everything goes wrong they see all the red flags and things they should have paid attention to. When I look my ex was covered in red flags but at the same I was too blind to notice. Looking back at bad relationships do you see things that should have made you pause?

Yes. I used to be far too trusting and naive to believe that someone I loved would ever contemplate doing something bad to me so I saw some red flags but ignored and the rest I didn't even realize were there until I was no longer in the tunnel vision of luuuurve.... but those guys to beat those silly notions out of me with emotional 2x4's over time.

Edited November 15, 2010 by theBrokenMuse

[dreamingoftigers]

Sigh, yes. At the time I even noticed them and thought, "I am so glad he isn't like most of these guys that have those red flags, he is really good to me."

 

I just look back at my 20 year old self and *facepalm*

Edited November 15, 2010 by dreamingoftigers
addtion of information

[omoge]

Yes and no. No, because in some of the relationships I was so young, inexperienced, and naive to know what certain red flags looked like. Part of the reason hindsight is 20/20 is because you grow and mature.

 

Yes, because in subsequent relationships, I clearly ignored issues because I wanted things to work. I think that ended a while ago though. I'm not in the business of wasting my time or anyone else's anymore.

[welikeincrowds]

in the fog of love

Hey Woggle, I like this! A direct comparison to the fog of war. It's inevitable, too. Good word choice, bro.

[Crazy Magnet]

At the time, with my exH I was still too naive to believe that what I saw was indeed red flags. I didn't know anyone was capable of the things he was capable of doing.

 

Looking back red flags were waving off big red elephants in a big red flag/elephant parade with red fireworks in the background. Yep...totally missed them because I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I had never had anyone lie like that to me before.

 

Now, I'm almost too quick to notice any problem and make it a red flag. My current SO has one or two, but rather than screaming "red flag" and bailing I'm sticking around, we are going to counseling to work on some of the issues, and both making individual efforts to improve ourselves. So far this seems to be working.

[Ruby Slippers]

To varying degrees, in every relationship I've been in, I was dating potential, and was not fully accepting of the guy as he was. I think I did this because I had weak self-esteem and thought it was the best I could do.

 

It's no easier to meet great guys than it ever was, but my self-esteem is quite a bit stronger now (always a work in progress), and I would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't do it for me.

[ReturnToSender]

Yes. I used to be far too trusting and naive to believe that someone I loved would ever contemplate doing something bad to me so I saw some red flags but ignored and the rest I didn't even realize were there until I was no longer in the tunnel vision of luuuurve.... but those guys to beat those silly notions out of me with emotional 2x4's over time.

 

Exactly this. He really had me fooled. And keeps playing me for one cause I allowed it, still thinking there was a part of the man who did at one time truly love me in there somewhere. There isnt.

[Woggle]

I look at some of the things that I was actually attracted to in her and they would make me run for my life today. Some people here think I am close minded for dismissing certain things as dealbreakers but I learned it the hard way through experience.

[skydiveaddict]

I honestly saw no red flags whatsoever. it was like a sledgehammer in the face.

[brainygirl]

I think there is a reason they say hindsight is 20/20. What seems like it could be a personality quark becomes a neon sign, later.

[shayan]

yes you always do, rarely do things ever end asymptomaticly, look at medicine for instance. There are always warning signs.

[tigressA]

yes you always do, rarely do things ever end asymptomaticly, look at medicine for instance. There are always warning signs.

 

Agreed. There are always warning signs. There were a bunch in my last relationship but I ignored them. Since I ended it, and now that I'm past it, I see everything clearly now.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I notice every red flag even if I am in the "fog". Things rarely surprise me. I look for hidden meanings behind words and things like body language and tone of voice. I am always hyper aware. It comes at the cost of never being able to relax though.

 

If my attraction to someone is too strong, I will deliberately ignore red flags, all the while being fully conscious of ignoring them.

[skydiveaddict]

yes you always do, rarely do things ever end asymptomaticly, look at medicine for instance. There are always warning signs.

 

 

That is flat wrong . I presume you are a medical student, which makes it even worse. Heart disease, diabetes, colon cancer, stroke and many other diseases may have no symptoms at all in the beginning.

[SadandConfusedWA]

That is flat wrong . I presume you are a medical student, which makes it even worse. Heart disease, diabetes, colon cancer, stroke and many other diseases may have no symptoms at all in the beginning.

 

Not true. Sure, there are exceptions and times when there literally are NO symptoms before say a heart attack or similar. But if you know your body well and are aware of how it works, you will get a warning of something feeling off.

[flying]

Not true. Sure, there are exceptions and times when there literally are NO symptoms before say a heart attack or similar. But if you know your body well and are aware of how it works, you will get a warning of something feeling off.

 

The issue, though, lies not in detecting that something is "off," but in properly interpreting it. Most things have a nonunique solution - there could be any number of possible explanations for why someone does XXX. Which is why websites like LS exist; we all want strangers to tell us what the heck is going on because we can't figure it out ourselves.

 

That's the allure of hindsight - when looked at in reverse, events may follow some obvious path leading up to the present. But in the middle of it, it's not usually so clear where that path is going.

[Pyro]

That is exactly why I have such a great relationship now. After every relationship in the past I stopped and thought about everything that went wrong and applied it to the next relationship. As time went on each relationship improved.

 

There is no trick or secret to having a great relationship. All you do is learn from past mistakes and apply it into what you have now.

[SadandConfusedWA]

That is exactly why I have such a great relationship now. After every relationship in the past I stopped and thought about everything that went wrong and applied it to the next relationship. As time went on each relationship improved.

 

There is no trick or secret to having a great relationship. All you do is learn from past mistakes and apply it into what you have now.

 

I think it's more to do with finding the right person....

[Pyro]

I think it's more to do with finding the right person....

 

that definitely helps but had I never learned anything from past relationships I wouldn't be as assertive, kind, and balanced as I am now. Had I met CE back when I was lacking relationship skills we probably would not have lasted long.

 

The same example can apply to just about anyone.

[SadandConfusedWA]

The issue, though, lies not in detecting that something is "off," but in properly interpreting it. Most things have a nonunique solution - there could be any number of possible explanations for why someone does XXX. Which is why websites like LS exist; we all want strangers to tell us what the heck is going on because we can't figure it out ourselves.

 

That's the allure of hindsight - when looked at in reverse, events may follow some obvious path leading up to the present. But in the middle of it, it's not usually so clear where that path is going.

 

This is true. In my past relationships, I could pretty much pinpoint the time I felt something was off. The problem was, I had no idea what or why. So I usually went over any number of possibilities in my head to see what fits best and watched the situation closely. Only afterwards I knew exactly what/when/why but it was usually one of the possibilities I thought of already. So post-resolution I never had a feeling of complete suprise or shock.

 

Nowdays, after some life experience I am even better at pinpointing and narrowing down the possibilities to the smaller subset. Finding hidden patterns behind events/actions is one of my natural interests and gifts. LS is a great resource for observation.

 

My point is though that some people are hyper-aware or perceptive and will pick up on things right away - while others will be completely oblivious. I can't tell if this is a blessing or a curse :S

[gypsy_nicky]

Looking back at bad relationships do you see things that should have made you pause?

 

yes. Although while in the relationship I didn't see it. Now I'm more careful due to experience.

[Tim The Enchanter]

I think we all tend to overlook bad signs when relationships are going well, but that's entirely natural. It's very easy to judge with hindsight, but in the heat of the moment it is not wise to make snap judgements on our relationships.

[ReturnToSender]

yes you always do, rarely do things ever end asymptomaticly, look at medicine for instance. There are always warning signs.

 

That is flat wrong . I presume you are a medical student, which makes it even worse. Heart disease, diabetes, colon cancer, stroke and many other diseases may have no symptoms at all in the beginning.

 

This is true. Some people are just really very good at compartmentalizing and living a double life. Not everyone is the same, or every relationship the same.

[phineas]

I saw a few signs.

 

The need to spend every waking moment with me.

She was a little high-strung & a little bit of an attention whore & sometimes a drama queen (but nothing compared to my friends wives or GF's so I thought I was good)

 

I never saw the affair.

Nobody did.

Not even her closest friends.