bentnotbroken Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 We have two recent posts, where youngish women (30's) are in truly sexless marriages..... One never consummated after 4 years and the other 10X's in 8 years and we have back and forths that they are terrible people, breaking their marital vows, are strumpets with no regards to their spouses..... As I have said before I really have no respect for those that cheat in almost all situations...... But these are not normal situations and I only question why the husbands can be so obtuse, lost and do that to their spouse. Frankly I support their "cheating" or more so wonder what took them so long...... They've talked them to no avail and in any case no one can be so obtuse not to know there is a serious problem..... This is their husband's fault 100%....... I would agree that the husbands are at fault for not meeting their wives needs....100%. I also believe the wife's decision to cheat is theirs alone....100%. We all choose our reactions to situations. I chose mine, he chose his and the mentioned parties chose as well.
Chi townD Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Okay, how about getting a divorce instead of all this cake eating and all this further humiliation and pain?
waynebrady Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I'd be fully supportive if they divorced them, witholding sex is cruel. But I can't see how cheating is deserved, ever. When women do it, Yes. When Men do it, No then it's more like a favor to the woman if anything.
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Thank you thank you thank you for posting this. I was one of the posters you are referring to and I have to say I did not check my post after only a few responses. I'm not saying cheating is right but I came to this site for some advice not cruel hateful remarks. Don't people think I've begged and pleaded for him to go to a dr?!! Pleading for, sex especially by a women is embarrassing. I have had to "take care of my needs" myself for many many years and I finally broke after hearing I'll work on it one too many times from my husband. I know that I need to do something now whether get a divorce or try to resolve things. Like I said before the one good thing I learned is not to judge people so harshly because you never know what's going on behind the scenes And for the most part so do I, however there are gross exceptions to the rules.
wheelwright Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 strumpet = hussy look, at some point in a relationship, you're going to hit a wall when it comes to sex. A baby is born, finances have you stressed, family is driving you nuts, health issues lead to inability to perform ... it's all there, and the longer you stay in a relationship, the more likely you're gonna encounter these periods where sex ain't happening. It's normal. I wonder if this might be true for a 'bad' R? are you gonna whine about your rights, and start saying you deserve to have sex every night or it's not fair? Are you going to look outside the marriage to have that itch scratched? Are you going to just sit there and accept what's going on without figuring out a solution and just be miserable? Or are you going to address the issue with your spouse and figure out a way of dealing with this that leaves the both of you more or less satisfied? You probably try for a long time before you look elsewhere. I dislike infidelity - in fact I find even the considering of infidelity in a healthy R a head****. Once you consider it seriously, you are over the cliff. You already jumped. Talking to your spouse at that point rests on your set of morals surrounding the issue of compassion vs honesty once these are in conflict. cheating is NEVER the answer, because it doesn't address the base issue. You've only clouded the issue with unnecessary distractions. Even the poster mentioned above, the one whose husband never sexually approached her and who looked to someone outside the marriage to get her needs met, still had to deal with the fact that her husband wasn't interested in a sexual relationship, she still had to come up with a solution that both can agree to ... But it addresses one of the key base issues - you know, the one about sexual and other intimate needs. Directly, rather than in the indirect (if more morally acceptable) route of divorce and then you get it. It's very direct. Just painful and not very lasting (IME). because what it boils down to is that it's not solely about the wife or solely about the husband and who's not getting any, but about the couple and the relationship they built together. I responded in bold. I feel your last point is absolutely right. More than that, I think it is about the very essence of the R itself.
wicar1 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I agree it's not a normal situation. ut cheating is not an option. If they didnt have sex for years, what were those women doing for so long. May be their Hs might ba having some medical problem, Have they tried to do something about it. Have they talked about it. It's called masturbation and toys. He's too embarrassed to go to a Dr. Hell yeah we've talked about it. - Not having sex for years and not trying to find a fix in unacceptable. -If there is no fix then they should have left their Hs. -but I think if they say for years they didnt have sex and they couldnt find a fix or they havent left their H means, they might have had affairs in those years. I dont see why they would just start something after 8 years. I repeat this is my first and only affair. I have never cheated in any relationship period. Why would I lie in an anonymous forum that I was seeking to get advice from? -It's called masturbation and toys. He's too embarrassed to go to a Dr. Hell yeah we've talked about it. If he's too embarrassed to see a doc ??? Seriously is that an excuse to cheat??? If the guy's too embarrassed to see a doc, may he's not embarrassed with the fact his wife's been cheating behind his back. Force his to see a doc, or warn him that you would leave. Cheating is simply a selfish act....You are just trying to give an excuse. -It's called masturbation and toys. So for how long you ve been waiting for your H to change??? How long is it exactly? And all the time your excuse was "He's too embarrassed to go to a Dr. Hell yeah we've talked about it." ??? -I repeat this is my first and only affair. I have never cheated in any relationship period. That doesn’t make you any better from any other cheater. It's not that the cheater who has the least number of affairs will get an award. You cheated that is it. May be this is your first affair... ok, only affair?? Time can tell that. -Why would I lie in an anonymous forum that I was seeking to get advice from? I didn’t mean to say you lied. My opinion was general. Having said that, some people lie in such forums just to get some sympathy, it's just an attempt to justify their actions and swallow the guilt. Anyway if someone could cheat, then lying is not a difficult thing for them. Anyway I am not accusing you of anything, just an opinion in general. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] Once a cheater always a cheater
wicar1 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Thank you thank you thank you for posting this. I was one of the posters you are referring to and I have to say I did not check my post after only a few responses. I'm not saying cheating is right but I came to this site for some advice not cruel hateful remarks. Don't people think I've begged and pleaded for him to go to a dr?!! Pleading for, sex especially by a women is embarrassing. I have had to "take care of my needs" myself for many many years and I finally broke after hearing I'll work on it one too many times from my husband. I know that I need to do something now whether get a divorce or try to resolve things. Like I said before the one good thing I learned is not to judge people so harshly because you never know what's going on behind the scenes Divorce would have been a honourable decision, instead of cheating. Cheating is cheap.
wheelwright Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Divorce would have been a honourable decision, instead of cheating. Cheating is cheap. You know, I think anything done just for sex is cheap. And anything for love has a value. I think some people think all cheating is about sex. I think those people have no imaginations.
wicar1 Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 You know, I think anything done just for sex is cheap. And anything for love has a value. I think some people think all cheating is about sex. I think those people have no imaginations. I agree. Yes cheating is not only about sex but most people cheat for sex.
Molley Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Cheating is never the answer, even if you’re not getting laid. Case in point… my best friend was married 15 years, her husband didn’t like having sex, she did. She hated begging for it, but she did… he just wanted to play golf and video games. She wanted sex, normal regular sex, even once a month would have been nice. Several times during the marriage, she had a couple affairs to scratch that “itch”. So what did that do? Nothing except cause a rift between them. She slowly lost respect for her husband (he thought it was all ok, didn’t need to see a Dr) started seeing him as “dull”, they started leading separate lives and finally, when she couldn’t stand it any longer, she left him. Four years later, after a horrible divorce she’s free of him and getting ready to marry another guy, one who has a sex drive and loves to be with her. The one thing she finally did admit to me was that she should have left her husband long ago, she should have never had the affairs. The affairs only made things worse, made her disrespect herself, made her become a liar and covered up her marriage issues. In the end, she realized that he wasn’t the right person for her, but she was too scared to leave, thinking that a man who was there, even if he didn’t want her sexually and didn’t have an interest in her, was better than no man at all. She should have been honest with herself and him that the marriage wasn’t right. In the end, the affairs and then the awful, bitter divorce that dragged on for over 4 years totally destroyed them, family and friends. Be it the man or woman, when you marry, part of the deal is that you’ll have sex (on a normal basis, and you’ll enjoy each other, have fun with it, it’s a way to show your love.) If one partner doesn’t want to have sex, it’s not fair to the other partner and only causes problems within the marriage, leads to divorce and/or affairs or at the least to bitterness and resentment. So, if you’re married and not having sex, fix it (as in, go see a Dr.!) or get a divorce and find someone who will be happy with you, but don’t go having an affair because that only causes additional pain and wounds which end up lasting much longer a divorce.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I'd be fully supportive if they divorced them, witholding sex is cruel. But I can't see how cheating is deserved, ever. in the example to which Todd is referring, where this is the man's fault 100%, it isn't a matter of neglect because he wants to neglect his wife. It was clear he has either a medical/physical problem, or a psychological one. The cheating wife in question already admitted he had depression. And she eventually, yet with minimal effort, tried to get him help and he did, but it didn't work...but not before already cheating on him. So it was clearly, IMO, no fault through the H's own...he needed help. I can see if the H simply didn't want anything to do with his wife and it wasn't a medical matter that maybe it could be seen as 100% his fault that the wife is miserable....but in no way is responsible for the wife's DECISION to cheat and the cheating itself. Get a divorce, simple as that.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I'm with you on this one. I hate cheaters. But seriously. in these cases. All the power to the women. They deserve to get laid. with the case he was referring to....lets say you are married.....you have a problem that requires either intervention from a medical doctor, or psychiatrist, and the problem is no fault of your own.....would you still say she deserves to get laid in the absence of any real effort to help you? thats not love. I would only hope if I came down with a disease of some sort that a SO of mine would do all she could to help me rather than go out and screw other men.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I'd be fully supportive if they divorced them, witholding sex is cruel. But I can't see how cheating is deserved, ever. I agree with both points, withholding sex IS cruel (provided it was intentional withholding and not the result of a problem), and cheating is not deserved. if the situation is that one intentionally withholds sex(and is deemed cruel) and the other goes out and cheats....then both in the relationship are cruel and both are mentally abusing the other through their actions or non-actions. in that situation they are both pieces of crap. but if one isn't intentionally withholding sex due to some sort of problem that they need help with, then only the cheater is engaging in the cruelty and mental abuse.
eris23 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 why , exactly, would you make a thread about ME ??? Thats really lame, and kind of creepy and you guys only read the parts you want someone focuses on one part, someone else focuses on another what more could I do ? hmm ? He is a man, I cant hold his hand and make him get help obsess about something else, huh, this thread really creeps me out.
Green Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Say a beautiful young women married a man and he NEVER had sex with her. And she came to me and said WHAT should I do . Why in the heck would I tell her to cheat, now I've just multiplied her problems. I'd say have the marriage annuled if you can't live this way you didn't sign up for this.... is living a life where you are a dishonest cheater really going to make you happy... why even cheat... what the point of staying in the sexless mariage.. I mean other then comfort.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 why , exactly, would you make a thread about ME ??? Thats really lame, and kind of creepy and you guys only read the parts you want someone focuses on one part, someone else focuses on another what more could I do ? hmm ? He is a man, I cant hold his hand and make him get help obsess about something else, huh, this thread really creeps me out. what creeps me out is a situation where a man with some sort of problem, either psychological or medical, has no sex drive, and the wife uses this as an excuse for cheating......and gets him to agree to let her go out and have sex with various different men. again, I hope if I ever develop some sort of problem through no fault of my own, I have someone in my life with quite a different mindset.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Say a beautiful young women married a man and he NEVER had sex with her. And she came to me and said WHAT should I do . Why in the heck would I tell her to cheat, now I've just multiplied her problems. I'd say have the marriage annuled if you can't live this way you didn't sign up for this.... is living a life where you are a dishonest cheater really going to make you happy... why even cheat... what the point of staying in the sexless mariage.. I mean other then comfort. I agree 100%. not only that, the man, in the sitution where he needs some sort of help, only will fall deeper into his depression and now his problems are amplified by a wife that won't stand by him and feels justified in going out and boning other men. a man in that situation is much better off being divorced, whether he thinks so or not. In the long run he is much better off.
Silly_Girl Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 what creeps me out is a situation where a man with some sort of problem, either psychological or medical, has no sex drive, and the wife uses this as an excuse for cheating......and gets him to agree to let her go out and have sex with various different men. again, I hope if I ever develop some sort of problem through no fault of my own, I have someone in my life with quite a different mindset. I would hope you would care enough to address the issues and not bury them, hence working together, not against one another.
wicar1 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I would hope you would care enough to address the issues and not bury them, hence working together, not against one another. Even if that happens, it is not an excuse to cheat. Again, Divorce would have been a honourable decision, Cheating is a selfish cheap act.
Silly_Girl Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Even if that happens, it is not an excuse to cheat. Again, Divorce would have been a honourable decision, Cheating is a selfish cheap act. It mostly takes two to make (and break) a relationship. It's rare that one person is entirely at fault and the other is blameless. The cheating is inexcusable, yes, and so is the neglect that leads to it. Each are responsible for their part.
GorillaTheater Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 why , exactly, would you make a thread about ME ??? Thats really lame, and kind of creepy and you guys only read the parts you want someone focuses on one part, someone else focuses on another what more could I do ? hmm ? He is a man, I cant hold his hand and make him get help obsess about something else, huh, this thread really creeps me out. I understand your finding this thread to be creepy, but I wouldn't take it personally. I think your situation provides an interesting case in examining whether cheating is always wrong, and whether some instances are less "morally objectionable" than others. I hope your situation is getting better.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 why , exactly, would you make a thread about ME ??? Thats really lame, and kind of creepy and you guys only read the parts you want someone focuses on one part, someone else focuses on another what more could I do ? hmm ? He is a man, I cant hold his hand and make him get help obsess about something else, huh, this thread really creeps me out. I think that this thread was debating whether there was exceptions to the rule, for example in a sexless marriage. Yours was simply a popular example because of the unusual nature of the circumstance. How are things working out for you guys anyways?
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 why , exactly, would you make a thread about ME ??? Thats really lame, and kind of creepy and you guys only read the parts you want someone focuses on one part, someone else focuses on another what more could I do ? hmm ? He is a man, I cant hold his hand and make him get help obsess about something else, huh, this thread really creeps me out. And frankly were not interested in listening to much of the advice and just argued that we were all wrong and do not understand the love for your husband and that there is nothing "wrong" with him. When your post was followed shortly by another post discussing another sexless marriage, I frankly was amazed that two young, supposedly intelligent women (you are a teacher), could live and rationalize the situations they find themselves in. I look at it as a Florence Nightingale complex that you two exhibit that is unique only to women. While I in no way support your decision and resolution to the situation, I do understand the need for physical closeness and sex and at some level understand the need to have sex with a human being.
InternationalPlayboy Posted November 19, 2010 Posted November 19, 2010 It mostly takes two to make (and break) a relationship. It's rare that one person is entirely at fault and the other is blameless. In my few months here, this is the most concise and helpful advice I've read anywhere on Loveshack. Bravo!
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