Brian Kent Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I've read a number of letters on this and other sites men are often shown as the unfaithful partner during their wife's or girlfriend's pregnancy. As you will read there are exceptions. The following event happened 20+ years ago ~ Nine years into our marriage and a few weeks prior to giving birth, my wife who was in her late 20's had an evening 'date' with someone who she barely knew. She said she was going out with some female friends and this would be her last opportunity to do so before having the baby. A couple of weeks after the birth and following a number of phone calls made to the house when I was at work (which I learned about later), to further woo her, she met-up again with her new male friend and they had a night of passion and unprotected sex. Several months later (on a Sunday evening, I remember like it was yesterday) in a sudden guilt attack she unloaded her bombshell. She pretty much insisted that her affair was all my fault... "as she had felt unhappy with me for some time". I honestly didn't think our marriage was in any problems. Personally I was too busy looking forward to the new baby, keeping my job and paying the bills. Whatever, I accepted her views (as her betrayal was done and I didn't want to inflict any unnecessary pain on her or on our young family). So after much heartache I/we carried on with our lives in wedded bliss! She insisted (as she still does) that this was her only sexual indiscretion in our marriage. I also forgave her because I loved her to bits, as I still do and she tells me likewise - but the problem is - every couple or more years (in the same months the affair took place) and without warning a dark cloud descends where my mind gets embroiled with the same painful memories and great anguish to that which I suffered when she told me about her affair. When under its spell I have an urgent need to revisit and mull over every part of her story. After a few days (sometimes weeks) I manage to snap myself out of it, but not before I’ve drowned myself in a lot of pain and negative thoughts. What's troubled me most is my wife blaming me for her affair and made to feel the guilty party. Alas still after all these years she still has problems telling me what happened by answering "my annoying questions". She tells me 'in her mind it was a stupid mistake' whereas in my mind the affair was an unmitigated disaster and her 'deception still continues to this day'. Also I can't help but think that our family and friends know what went on but they are keeping the lid on it! I have no evidence of this but this constantly racks my mind, as such these past years I have gradually distanced myself from everyone except my wife and children. With the passing years - and we aren't getting any younger - I look back and think that I must have been a doormat and a bloody fool for putting up with her cruel actions. That said, it would have been very wrong and callas of me if I had decided to throw the towel in and left my wife and young family in the circumstances that I have described. I'm a proud person and have never sought counselling. I also have never confided in anyone (other than my wife of course). Can any of you relate to my situation? Will these thoughts ever go away?
theBrokenMuse Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I'm a proud person and have never sought counselling.And how has that been working for you? It sounds like considering this happened over twenty years ago and it's still festering and causing you extreme grief that this has not worked for you. There is no shame in attending marriage counseling to help you be able to work past this as a couple. You've been bearing this on your own for too long. Take the steps to shed the pain... it's overdue.
Darth Vader Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 And how has that been working for you? It sounds like considering this happened over twenty years ago and it's still festering and causing you extreme grief that this has not worked for you. There is no shame in attending marriage counseling to help you be able to work past this as a couple. You've been bearing this on your own for too long. Take the steps to shed the pain... it's overdue. Who says that child's yours, get a Paternity test done, then Drop her ASS! BTW, I thought you said in another post that she screwed around after she had her baby?!
Mad Max Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Who says that child's yours, get a Paternity test done, then Drop her ASS! I was thinking the same thing. There's at least a decent chance your child isn't yours.
theBrokenMuse Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Who says that child's yours, get a Paternity test done, then Drop her ASS! This was over twenty years ago. Instead of worrying about what is water under the bridge (aka. testing a kid that is now 20 or so years old that he is going to see as his kid regardless now that he's done raising it) he needs to finally start working on healing himself so he can stop hurting over this like he has for nearly a quarter of a century. Dragging this out for any longer is serving only to delay the healing process at this point. He has done that long enough. It isn't going to help him. Let him get to a place where he isn't curling up into the fetal position every couple of months and THEN let him work on what he wants to do marriage wise.
Darth Vader Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 (edited) This was over twenty years ago. Instead of worrying about what is water under the bridge (aka. testing a kid that is now 20 or so years old that he is going to see as his kid regardless now that he's done raising it) he needs to finally start working on healing himself so he can stop hurting over this like he has for nearly a quarter of a century. Dragging this out for any longer is serving only to delay the healing process at this point. He has done that long enough. It isn't going to help him. Let him get to a place where he isn't curling up into the fetal position every couple of months and THEN let him work on what he wants to do marriage wise. True, however, it will expose the cheating wench to the world in all her glory, so to speak! She has to take accountability for her actions sometime! It's also called Paternity Fraud! He can sue her for that at the same time as Divorcing her! Edited November 15, 2010 by Darth Vader
dreamingoftigers Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I completely empathize with your position. If you are not willing to go to a counselor, I would strongly suggest the book After the Affair. Affairs are traumatizing for the betrayed spouse and often they will instinctively put things back together without having processed the whole thing. The WS on the other hand is able to drop it much quicker and recommit, depending on the circumstance. You haven't dealt with the trauma and your wife DOES NOT GET IT. And probably never will unless you cheat on her (I do not recommend this). If you are willing to go for therapy I would suggest EMDR. It takes away the record-tape that runs through your head and makes you miserable. I am so sorry to hear of your pain. The fact that you beat yourself up for taking her back is also common among spouses who have been betrayed, you aren't alone. It does not mean that you made the wrong decision.
Author Brian Kent Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Who says that child's yours, get a Paternity test done, then Drop her ASS! BTW, I thought you said in another post that she screwed around after she had her baby?! ------------- In my letter I never said/wrote that my wife screwed around after she had her baby.
Darth Vader Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 ------------- In my letter I never said/wrote that my wife screwed around after she had her baby. I saw it on another one of your Threads. A typo perhaps?
Author Brian Kent Posted November 19, 2010 Author Posted November 19, 2010 I saw it on another one of your Threads. A typo perhaps? Darth Vader - So that I am clear, there is no typo. I didn't write/imply that my wife 'screwed around' with other men. Sex happened on the one occasion.
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