halemeno Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I guess today would technically be considered my first day of NC. I decided a while ago that I was fed up with the guilt I felt and the way I was being treated, but I held on to his contact information because I wanted to have the NC discussion. Last night, though, my now-xMM sent me a text asking if I had found a girl for us to have a threesome with yet. I was hurt, offended, and outraged. He can't bother to ask how I am, but of course the possibility of a threesome is always on his mind. (I guess he saw me as his best bet for making that happen for himself, even though it was only mentioned in passing early in the A.) I'm fairly certain that's the only reason he kept in contact all this time, as he seems to be uninterested in being with me alone at this point -- not that the option was offered, but he used to request a meetup every other day. I replied, "I shouldn't be so surprised when your sole interest in me is my success in picking up chicks for you." He never responded, and I don't suspect he will. This was my last, angry straw. He doesn't deserve an explanation, and I no longer want to give one. I'm finished and exhausted, but afraid that if given time and distance I will succumb to any future attempts of his to contact me. I've deleted his number, changed my e-mail account, and deleted my online profile. What else do I need to do to get through this?
jj33 Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 So sorry you are hurting. Dont recall your position on 3 somes but sounds like he was being really disrespectful and disrespect is unacceptable in any relationship. You are a star! You have blocked all avenues of contact, now all you need to do is heal your heart. Be patient with yourself, be good to yourself. jj
endlessness Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 It is evident that you are there to enhance his life. Was he enhancing yours? I think you answered that question by ending the EMA. You don't need to explain anything. He knows very well what the problem is - after all, there is goddamn purple gorilla in the middle of your relationship. I suggest try to shift focus to you and start formulating very clearly what you want out of your life and future relationships. Once you discover what is truly possible, whatever the crumbs he might throw your way in the future will have absolutely no appeal to you. It certainly won't be easy. The withdrawal will be absolutely painful. It will require a clearly formulated intent and resoluteness to break free of this dysfunctional...whatever, not because you want to punish him, but because you want to create a life you deserve for YOU. His 15 minutes of fame in your life are over. Sooner or later he will understand that on his own - no explanation required on your part. It is you who really has to accept this fact in order to move forward. Talk to friends if possible, post here, cry, watch TV, write in a journal, go to new places, meet new people, do new things, read books, cry some more, set goals, achieve them. By becoming more involved in living your life on your terms, you will see clearly the extent to which you were stagnating by remaining in the EMA. For me, it was after reading the stories from other OWs that finally sobered me up. I was so convinced that my story was special and my MM was different, so it was both shocking and refreshing to realize that although the actors change, the roles and the script are pretty much invariably the same. I was protracting my own pain by staying and holding on to hope. It's been only five weeks of NC, but I honestly can't imagine what he could possibly say or do to make me fall back into his arms. But I acknowledge that, despite myself, I still have feelings for that person and so I remain cautious so as to not fall into the old trap (I broke NC once, which I will admit taught me a very valuable lesson and gave me the strength I needed to do it right this time around). That means NC under any circumstances. No matter how "over" him I may think I am.
maravilla Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Wow I too would be so hurt and angry if MM texted me that. And honestly MM could say some really callous jerk-ish things. But that would take the cake. I think you are being strong by writing him off and moving on. You deserve so much better and I'm glad you know that! I suggest blocking his phone calls and texts or changing your phone number. Good luck.
Author halemeno Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Thanks for your support, everyone. Today he called (which I ignored, of course) but left a message, crying and explaining that he's been really depressed and needs help. He said he's tried to talk to his wife about it but she writes him off, saying that he's just being lazy and can't get a job because he's not looking hard enough. I know that the reason he started things with me in the first place is because he felt this way and was looking for something/someone to fix the way he felt. Anyway, he concluded by saying that he knows he needs to go to IC to get help but he doesn't know where to go because he doesn't have insurance. I have connections that can help him with that. Do I break NC to help him? As badly as he's treated me, I still want him to be happy and want to help him if I can -- and getting into IC would definitely help him work out his issues.
siuys Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I wouldn't help. He is old enough and should put his finger out and do something. Maintain NC. You are more important. Helping him is now less important, for your own sake. Or if you really want to help, then give him the details he needs without breaking NC, like via some other person or something.
maravilla Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I agree with siuys, don't help him dig himself out of this hole, he made it himself and he's a big boy. Honestly I think he's just trying to buy more time with you and then he will end up treating you badly and disrespecting you again. Don't give him that chance. You cannot fix someone, they have to do it on their own. Tell yourself (not him -- stay NC!!) that you only want him if he is a healthy partner who is available to be with you and only you. Good luck, stay strong.
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