WTRanger Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Over the weekend my grandfather passed away and it has caused me to severely rethink my current strategy. I feel like I'm meeting her silence with my silence and it's become the dumbest game I've ever played. To get those caught up, I knew her for over 2 years. I had to move away due to factors beyond my control, but we stayed in contact for the entire time. I was set to visit friends in the city, she moves to that city in a purely random series of events, so we make plans to meet up. She pulls a no-show, and I've never heard from her since. I have no reason, no rhyme, nothing. When it happened, I reached out and got nothing in return so I've been on more of the, "Okay, you want the silent treatment? I'll show you the silent treatment!" for 26 days. But with my grandfather passing away fairly suddenly, I've gone back to thinking that I really don't want to leave things like this between this girl and I. Even if it's to go our separate ways, wouldn't it be better if we just parted on decent terms? There's a large part of me that wants to reach out, admit my mistakes, and leave it at that. Say my peace. However, there's the equal and opposite side that tells me it's pointless to even try. I certainly can't tell her what happened, as that'd be a low move to use a death to get her to open up. I also know that I'm hurting from 2 losses already, and there's a large chance she won't respond and it'll set me back when I clearly don't need it. It just sucks. I never want to leave things like this between someone I actually cared about. It just seems so pointless, both in trying and not trying. I fully know I only have control over me and I can't control her reactions, and some people just react like gutless cowards. But death is so sudden and we never know when it's going to strike. Things just feel so unfinished and I really hate that.
Ajax Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Sorry for your loss WTRanger. My grandfather passed away three years ago, and I know what it's like. Hopefully you'll be able to move forward with some great memories. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have known their grandparents. As for breaking NC, I'm not sure this is the best time for that. I understand that you still care for her, but she desrespected you a few weeks ago when she stood you up. And since she hasn't contacted you about it, I think you need to give it some time and space. I'll cross my fingers for you and hope that she comes around. At the very least I think she owes you an explaination and appology for bailing on you.
Author WTRanger Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Thanks Ajax. I had the luck to have 2 sets of grandparents involved in my life. I lost the first set, on my mom's side, 11 years ago to cancer. But those were deaths that were looked at from a point of we're sad but at the same time they were no longer suffering. This one was a lot more sudden and unexpected. I know I need to stay away and work on resolving things inside myself. I just have this fear of not saying anything and if something were to happen to her, I'd regret it. But the messed up part is if she responds negatively or not at all, I'll regret saying something. It's like a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.
YellowShark Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 ....so we make plans to meet up. She pulls a no-show, and I've never heard from her since. I have no reason, no rhyme, nothing.... I just have this fear of not saying anything and if something were to happen to her, I'd regret it. But the messed up part is if she responds negatively or not at all, I'll regret saying something. It's like a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Ahhh... she pulled a no-show and has blown you off. I think you need to remain NC and give her the space she has telegraphed to you! - (by pulling a no-show and blowing you off.) Her no-show and following silence speaks volumes. As another poster so eloquently put it, "NC doesn't let you in the gates of Heaven, it let's you OUT the gates of Hell."
GrayClouds Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 With your grandfather passing away, your are experimenting a loss that is completely out of your control. It is natural for you to look for a way to manage those feeling of loss and while there is little can do in his case except go through the stages but your mind is still trying to find something more tangible. In that search it finds the EX and getting you to think this feeling of loss will change if you make contact with her. Likely it will not help and may even hurt more. Sorry about your loss.
havehope Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I'm sorry about your loss. It's hard to lose a loved one. I also agree that its not the best time to reach out. Yes you're hurting, and looking for comfort from someone that probably gave it to you in the past. But I don't think you should depend on someone that has let you down before, because if they aren't there this time, they've disappointed you during a hard time. They haven't proved they're worthy! If they weren't there for you during normal life, what have they done to show you they're Maybe you have friends or family you can turn to for support during this sad time. Don't give her another opportunity to disappoint. She's not worth it and you need to look out for your heart and your feelings right now because she obviously doesn't understand their value.
Author WTRanger Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 I guess I just wish I could know at least some reason. With this death it has put to the forefront of my mind the fact that this whole situation between her and I is so ungodly open ended. We were in normal contact all the way up to the point I got on the plane. When I landed in her city, that's when this all started. That's what I don't get. I guess I'm afraid that if something were to happen to her and it's left like this, I'd be completely torn in two. I know that's not something I can control or predict, but it's on my mind. I've never dealt with someone who pulled a disappearing act like this. I'm not the first person she's done this to, and she pulled something similar last year but under different circumstances and no where near this level. I've been stood up by a blind date once, and even she had the decency to own up to it the next day and I had only talked to her once before. I'd never expect this from someone I've known for 2 years, and someone I've been there for through rough times in her life. But nothing, over a month later not even a peep or a f*ck you. The silence, the open endedness, the questions all make it incredibly hard to accept. Maybe this whole recent events will finally help me start to accept her for who she is, not who she was. Because, I can tell you I'm hanging on to the was version of her. I don't want to lose 2 people I care about, but I need to let go of her. She's going to create this black hole that will keep pulling me back in. I admit I'm afraid to completely let go, but it's something I need to work on.
Ajax Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I've had similar thoughts and feelings. I've thought, "what if something happens to one of us and she doesn't know I love her?" The fact is in my case, and I suspect in yours, is that it doesn't matter. My girlfriend left, and yours bailed on you. Those aren't the actions of people who care that much that you care about them. If something were to happen to my ex, I doubt very much that she'd be wondering if I still care. And if something were to happen to me, I'm sure it would make it's way down the grapevine to her. There also the fact that I showed and told her how much I loved her when we were together. I was respectful of her when she was breaking my heart and told her my feelings then too. There should be no question as to whether or not I care. I'm sure your ex knows you care too. You tried to meet up when you were in town. You showed, she didn't. And you're right, it's time to start letting go. It's a process and it won't happen overnight, but understanding that you need to move forward is a good start.
Author WTRanger Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 Self closure is always a hard thing to initiate, but her actions speak volumes to who she is at this point. It's high time I stop seeing her as the happy go-lucky person I once knew, or at least thought I knew. I'm not reaching out. I wrote down what I wanted to say on paper, that way there was no risk of sending it. Unless I did it by pigeon. What I wrote was calm, thoughtful, and caring. Until I realized why waste that effort on her? She doesn't deserve that. Thursday will mark 30 days NC and I don't want to ruin the streak. Especially not now.
havehope Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Hey WTRanger - I'm glad you see her actions are defining her and you're really seeing who she IS and not who she was. I can relate to you in that I'm still holding on to the picture of who he WAS, not the person he's become. It's hard but at the same time, its what it is and we have to accept them for what they are. Not what we want them to be or what we thought they were. Good for you for writing it out on paper and not sending it. I can understand why you'd want to reach out, so to leave things on decent terms. Its similiar to why I can't seem to get angry at my ex because if something bad happens I don't want to be on bad terms. But we can't control external factors like that. And we can't adjust our life to that either. I'm glad you decided to keep NC - you can do this. She doesn't deserve a second thought from you.
Banker Chick Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I know how you're feeling. When my ex and I broke up back in August we tried LC and then basically started talking again normally & for all intents and purposes were back together. However, I wasn't seeing any change and when he did something that confirmed to me that he hadn't changed, I went NC. He texted me twice (both times apologizing and the second one asking if I wanted to talk or if I was still mad) and I've just never responded. For awhile, it drove me crazy wishing I had just told him then that it was for sure over and I was moving on because this way it seems weirdly open ended ... like he's still waiting for me to quit being mad and just call or text him. My friends reminded me that he wasn't asking for any closure or explanations so I shouldn't feel bad not giving it. Now it no longer matters to me. You just have to create your own closure and be satisfied with that.
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