No contact or stay friends?

[czen]

Sorry, if it’s a lot to read:

About two years ago, I met this girl at my school. I wasn’t really that interested in her, as I didn’t really find her attractive, unlike all my friends who did find her attractive.

 

But as time progressed she and I sort of became friends. I’m a pretty intelligent guy and she always seemed pretty insecure about herself, so she asked me for my help a lot. I didn’t mind, as we became friends during that period, she became someone I really began to like.

 

I also began to develop these feelings for this girl, but I wasn’t really interested in having a girlfriend at the time. Also I found at she already had a boyfriend.

 

Well, after I found out she didn’t have a boyfriend anymore, I flirted with her a bit, but she never really flirted back. I still spend a lot of time with her, mostly for making school work together and we always had a good time. And I fell in love with her.

 

I didn’t really know what to do at the time (now I think back, I really can’t understand why I just didn’t ask her out or something like that). So things just continued like normal, We spend time together, mostly school-related.

 

But it was prom year, so I decided to ask her to prom. I also was kind of her best friend, so I kind of expected her to say yes. But she didn’t. I asked her, but she didn’t immediately gave me an answer. We just continued to spend time together and every time I asked her about it, she replied that “She didn’t know yet” .

 

But some time after that, my best friend told me that she was going with another friend of her (a girl). I confronted her with this and her reply was that she simply forgot. I knew she was lying as she told my best friend a week before I confronted her about it, so she had ample opportunity to tell me. So after that, I was kind of heart-broken, as I was convinced she wouldn’t do this to me, if she felt anything for me.

 

I opted for a form of NC, which worked well as school was over the following week, so I didn’t have to see her anymore.

 

But after a while, my contact with her started to get better. I even told her I loved her as a last ditch-effort. We both were going to different universities, so this was the last chance in my eyes and if she rejected me, I would finally find closure and go on with my life. It was a good plan in theory.

 

She rejected me (well she never said no, she just was really quiet when I told her, so yeah, she wasn’t really jumping from joy about it). We just stayed friends with each other.

 

But that closure actually never came. Even after a whole summer vacation in which she went to another country fort vacation and I spent a lot of time with friends hoping I’d forget her.

 

She and I still spent a lot of time talking on msn and I still helped her with her studies and she sometimes helped me with mine (even though we have completely different studies, yeah I know that’s really strange). Still, I did it because I wanted to spend time with her.

 

But all of this isn’t really helping me move on. I really like being her friend and it always makes my day if I can help her and make her happy. But the fact remains that I still love a girl who doesn’t love me.

 

So tomorrow she is coming to my hometown to give something back to me which she borrowed from me and we’re going to spend some time together and I’m going to try to convince to give me a chance or at least find out why she didn’t want me as nearly everybody I know thought we would make good couple.

 

But now I would like a bit of advice. Let’s say the worst case scenario (and most probable) scenario happens and she tells me she still doesn’t want me. Should I just continue being her friend or should I break off all contact? Lately things have been getting better as I don’t think about her that much, but still, there’s no one I know who I want more than her, so it’s kind of holding me back in the dating department as nobody can measure up to her. Also, the only times I’m really happy is when I’m conversing with her. I’m also really afraid of losing her as a friend since she means so much to me. But on the other hand, I’m really scared for what will happen when she gets a boyfriend. I’m afraid I just might totally lose it, especially if the guy’s a douche.

 

So should I break off all contact or continue to just be her friend?

[Trovador]

She doesn't want you in her life... why are you still wondering what to do?

 

Don't lose the rest of your dignity begging her or staying around like a sick puppy...

 

Don't go the friendly way... you'll suffer more than breaking contact just now...

[shayan]

let her go bro, let her go. No friendship

[czen]

I saw her and we had a fun time...until I started talking about why she didn't want me. Her reason:

I'm too young for her, I'm 10 months younger than her. I got pretty mad at that, especially when I asked her if she would've given me a chance if I'd been older than her to which she replied that that might have worked out.

I really can't believe that the only reason I've went to so much pain and can't be with her is because I was born 10 months after she was born.

 

After that she started to to talk about that she couldn't help it and that I shouldn't see it as my fault, as the whole age thing is just something she places a lot of value on. She did tell me she really valued our frienship and that she probably will come back to see me in januari, but I'm not really sure I still want that. I really love her and I believe her when she says it's because of the age difference, but I instantly become depressed just thinking about that reason. I even cried three times about it (and normally I never cry, not even when relatives die).

 

Does the rest agree that I should just cut off all contactor have an opinion about this latest development? I'm really having a difficult time thinking about what to do now...

[Cee]

Cut off all contact and heal. It's not healthy for you to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. Grieve the loss and move on.

 

There are no buts about this.

 

You aren't alone. I've been in your exact situation before- so I'm giving you advice that I have taken myself.

[Don Ho]

Bro you shouldn't have told her you loved her, especially when you she gave you reason to believe she did not feel that way about you. Remember: it's all about how they feel about YOU, not how YOU feel about them. Professing your love and all that will not do anything to increase or change their feelings about you if they're not there. I think you're being a bit immature about the whole situation; you should be able to accept she doesn't have romantic feelings for you and continue the friendship. No harm, no foul. That said, if you really can't get past your feelings for her, then go NC and discontinue the friendship. But if you do that, then I would have to say you really weren't a true friend and really only concerned about becoming romantically involved.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you're wasting quality time you can be spending looking for the girl that IS gonna jump for joy when you say you love her. Her line of a 10 month difference in your age is a BS excuse to spare your feelings and giving you the big BUT. " I could have totally seen us together, BUT your just a few months younger than me."...Weak....

 

Time to find the girl you're supposed to be with, dude!

[thatsonlyme]

I just woke up so I'm not sure if I understood everything correctly in your thread. From what I figured, you guys never dated, right?

 

In this case, I don't see a reason why you should be so hurt, she never gave you any false hope or anything, you are just friends. Why go NC and lose a friend if you don't have to

 

I know you have feelings but you should accept her decision, and move on, stop telling her how much you love her. Maybe I'm wrong, but it should be a lot easier to move on since you were never romantically involved, she never cheated on you or anything, she is just not sexually attracted to you. I've been sexually attracted to many girls I met in my life but still managed to maintain platonic relationship.

 

Just my 2 cents

[SeriousBob12]

Ahhh the dreaded friends zone...

 

I think we've all been there at one stage or another in our lives. It sucks.

 

One thing you have to understand is that you're a friend but only a friend.

The age excuse and how it could have worked is total BS. Come on 10 months? That's ludacris, and a complete cop out. Bottom line? You're a good friend that she doesn't want to hurt. The awkward response, the uncertainty, the lack of confrontation, those are all signs that she doesn't want to hurt you and doesn't know how to tell you that she doesn't feel it for you.

 

It's an awful situation to be in. Don't bother telling her you love her or any of that jazz because it won't change her mind and you'll just come across foolish. You're eternally trapped into friends zone; an area once in, few make it out of. Accept it.

 

So here lies your options. Option 1 (unlikely) - If you can accept that you're only going to be a friend (since from my understanding that's all you guys have been) then continue with super-awesome-guy-friend, but accept that it will be nothing more. But be warned my friend, this will be hard. Don't bluff yourself. You will have to put up with her being sweet and caring like a good female friend usually is, but learn to interpret it as nothing more than friendly-natured kindness and NOT signs of her desire for you. You'll even have to live with her flirting with other dudes and eventually getting a boyfriend...This IS NOT an easy route, but it is possible if you're mature about it.

 

Option 2 (I think the more likely) You're nuts over this girl and you can only see her being your girlfriend. The way you two jive and kick it off, has painted this potentially wonderful relationship in your head, and all you can see is you two dating and it being spectacular. If that's the case, you gotta keep your distance, but still be a friend. You don't have any reason to be mad at her, as she was never anything more. For your sake, just keep a little distance and stop getting your hopes up.

 

Girls have this skill where they are comfortable with being good friends with someone that's nuts over them. In fact they enjoy it; the gesture is flattering in there books. I've been through it and seen it so many times.

Even worse is they'll play a good game of doing JUST enough to keep you intrigued and happy, almost leading you on but that's not there intention at all. In they're eyes they're just a good caring friend....it sucks, because you the one that has the feelings start to feel like you're getting bombarded with signals and with proof of why it should work! Reality is, they aren't looking at it like that at all. Furthermore you get strung along for the ride. It's extremely difficult to lose feelings for someone when you see them all the time...it's EVEN WORSE when that person is doing sweet and affectionate things to you.

 

As I said before, once you're in the friends zone, or start off there it's hard to get out. That not to say it doesn't happen, but from what you've told us I couldn't see this girl changing her mind anytime soon, if at all. You have to decide if you can handle being around this girl, while you get over her. If you can't then use the distance to your advantage and start doing your own thing to get over her. Once you're at that stage, you can probably go back to being friends.

Edited November 15, 2010 by SeriousBob12

[Coolsbreeze]

My ex wants to be friends with me, and at the beginning of the breakup I thought that it would be good. Why? because i valued having her in my life and the breakup was as bad as it could've been. However in the end i realized that it was just words. Because a week after ending things with me she was already in a new relationship with another guy that she met while she was involved with me. She did this even after telling me that it would be a long time before she jumps into another relationship. This entire experience has been heartbreaking but made me realize that if there's ever going to be a friendship I need some time to pass in order for me to heal and maybe forgive her one day. So I guess the best solution would be to give yourself some time after the breakup to get better and actually put the romantic relationship in the past and maybe in the future you can build up a new friendship from the ground up. But if you believe the person is worth having as your friend then you should go for it.

[coltsfan1]

Cut her loose, you are the person she spends time with ie USES. Just stop talking to her!!

[iamawesome]

If you have more than "friend" feelings for her, you cannot be her friend. Friendship has boundaries. In your mind you will constantly struggle with those boundaries until it erodes what is left of the friendship and your sanity.

 

My advice to you is to forget relationship hopes. You need to NC until you no longer harbor those feelings. Once those feelings are "neutral" and you are confident they will not come back, only then, can you be friends again. If you have the slightest hunch they may come back don't even go there.

[iamawesome]

My post got cut off, heres the rest:

 

I'm good friends with most of my ex's. I went a year NC with them on average before I was able to step in as a friend. If this is a person that treated you well and respects you, I really think friendship is worth preserving. Just today, I was talking with one of my ex's about my recent breakup. We're good friends and I couldn't be happier that she is getting married soon. Her being there for me as a friend and her encouragement lifted my spirits in a way I didn't think was possible.

 

So don't take friendship lightly. It is very valuable. Think about how your inability to let go may be damaging something that is otherwise an asset to your life.

 

Forget telling her you love her. If you do go friendship route, apologize to her. Tell her you really value her as a friend and that you didn't mean to cross the line and you need time to get a grip on yourself and that it won't happen again. Then make the changes necessary to follow through with that sentiment.

[czen]

Just to correct a mistake-I'm 16 months younger not 10. But that doesn't really make the reason any more viable in my book, especially since we're both in the same stage of our lives (first year at a university). Or does anyone disagree?

 

From what I figured, you guys never dated, right?

In this case, I don't see a reason why you should be so hurt, she never gave you any false hope or anything, you are just friends.

That's correct, but I always sort of felt like I had a relationship with her. I couldn't really date other girls because I only wanted her, I spend most of time thinking about her. A lot of my free time was spent on me making her happy by helping her with things in her life, as seeing her happy also made me happy. And this went on for about a year. I always hoped that we would be together if I just wouldn't give up on a relationship with her, even though she never really seemed like she wanted one.

 

But as she never really gave me any false hope, that also makes me believe I shouldn't give up on our friendship. I also really value our frienship. I'm probably going to have one last conversation with her about my feelings, just to get closure so I can really move on. After that I'll try to still be a friend to her. Not as good as a friend as I was (so no more hours of helping her with her studies, etc.). I hope I'll be able to start seeing her as just a friend this way and lose all my romantic feelings for her. It could work, now all my hopes for having a relationshiop with her have been squashed. If that doesn't happen, I'll probably just go for the total NC until I'm ready for just being her friend.

 

One more question though:

I think I can get over my romantic feelings for her and give up on desiring a relationship with her, but is it also necessary to stop caring so much for her? She is the only person I actually really loved and I could really imagine having a really longlasting relationship with her. So she will always hold a very special place in my heart. Hell, I'm pretty sure that I won't care nearly as much for the next girlfriend I'm going to have, as I do for her. Is it also necessary to lose those feelings? Or is normal that I will always really care for her and shouldn't that be be a problem for keeping the friendship?

Edited November 17, 2010 by czen

[SeriousBob12]

The age thing is an excuse, in reality it doesn't matter as I said before she's just using it to let you down softly.

 

 

Stop saying you love her, because you don't. You just think you do.

YOu haven't dated this girl, you haven't lived with her, you haven't made plans to spend the rest of your future with her...

 

You're just basing LOVE on the fact that you care for her a lot. Going from what you've told us I don't think you're old enough to know what love is. It's one thing to care/like someone a lot, but it's a totally different ballpark in actually starting a relationship and making it work. A real test comes with moving in with them, and spending all of your time together. For all you know, you could work great as friends but awful as partners. I've seen it and experienced it. You look kind of like an idiot saying you love this girl, and I'm not trying to be rude.

 

Look at what you're asking: is it necessary for me to lose my feelings for her? DUH! Accept it man, it's probably not going to happen. Girls just don't wake up one day after months of attempts and go "oh wow, I'm nuts over him! lets do this!"

You need to get over her for your benefit. You're young, what 18 or 19? To say you won't like your next girlfriend as much as her is foolish. You don't even know who your next girlfriend is! Stop basing everything right now speculation! Let alone off of feelings you have for a friend.

 

Don't kill the friendship, but realize that it's probably not in your best interest to be as buddy-buddy and close with her given your feelings. Now you said that there is distance between you two, use that to your advantage and just keep some space without cutting her off completely. The problem would be if you were talking to her 24/7 on skype/msn/fb or you saw her every day or second day. I would say definitely stop that if that's the case. The only way you'll be a good friend and the friendship will work is you can be just a friend and not what you are right now.

 

You're trying to deceive yourself. You say you're sure you can get over your feelings for her, and then ask if you need to stop caring for her so much...Two notions that conflict with each other. Gotta get it straight man.

[D-Lish]

You're pouring all of your time and energy into someone that doesn't feel the same way. How is that ever going to work out for you?

[czen]

Okay, I had a talk with her and I feel much better now. I apologised about everything and for pushing the whole "I want to be your boyfriend" thing, as she really wants us to stay friends. It's going to take some time and adjusting, but I think I'll be able to just be a normal friend to her and move on. I also explained that I can't still be as a great of a friend I was to her (at least for the time being) and she understood that. I'm still kind of depressed and sad that I can't have a relationship with her, but there's no point in keeping on trying, I'll probably only lose her as a friend and become even more depressed if I keep that up.

 

So, thanks for everybody's contributions here, it really was a big help.