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Why did he walk away just like that and still maintain contact?


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Posted
Ok, I've just read your thread, and I'm going to be the devil's advocate.

 

Bless you! :)

 

Thanks for taking the time in helping me to look at situation from a different perspective! I think you've made some valid points that are worth pondering over...

 

Reality dawned on him - "Hey, this woman is married. Has a husband. Children. We've only reconnected for just a very short time. We may have changed a lot over the years. We have spent practically no time together, to be talking about things so serious. Do we really know each other anymore, or are we reacting to an illusion from the past?"

 

Yes, i think you are right. I think he is so unhappy with his personal life that when he reconnected with me again, all the happy memories from 16 years ago came flooding back and he was swept away. And I allowed myself to get carried away too because I was at that point in my marriage where I was very angry with my H and was feeling very rebellious. I was fed up with being the dutiful wife. For once I just wanted to do what made me happy, place my needs first. Look where it landed me....

 

Do you know I am so confused? Some days i feel so angry with him for deceiving me. But on other days, I feel so angry with myself for not seeing things as they are. My biggest problem is self-blame. I am always beating myself up for the mistakes I think I made.

 

I honestly cannot decide if he's was trying to string me along for a fling or whether he truly cared for me. I mean, i find it so ironic that he suddenly came to his senses the moment i started asking him pertinent questions like: What's your plan? Have you got one?

 

He should have thought about all this BEFORE kissing me that night at the beach.

 

But my best friend says that it is unreasonable to expect so much from anyone. That sometimes people just can't help the way they feel. Honestly, I really don't know what to think...

 

Maybe it dawned on him that you (and he) should not divorce *for* someone else; if you divorce it should be because your marriages are dead.

 

Yes, that's how I feel too. Which is why I told him I'd never leave my husband for him and that i'd only do it when I was ready. My divorce, if and when it does happen, has to happen independent of a 3rd party. I feel strongly about this because I don't want my children to see the new guy in my life as the reason for their parents' break-up. It would make it so much harder for them to accept him. Guess I never did explain that clearly to him. My best friend feels that in telling him that, I probably broke his heart and made him think that I prefered my H to him, and that it was I who was stringing him along and not the other way around. Seriously? :eek:

 

Now, maybe he is stepping back and giving you, (and himself) a chance to see if you (and he) are going to divorce for the right reasons - because your marriage(s) can't be salvaged, not because you have a crush on someone else.

 

Maybe he wants you both to determine the fates of your marriages before you are involved any further with each other. Then, if you do divorce, you can explore the possibilities of a relationship with each other, without undue pressure, obligation, guilt, or the ugly baggage of having left a marriage for another person.

 

If that were so, why won't he even meet me to talk about things? It seems to me that he is prepared to walk away from this without even discussing anything with me.

 

If I know him well enough (which I am beginning to doubt these days...) I'd say that he refuses to see me bcos I have hurt his pride. As a high-ranking military officer who is used to issuing orders and having people look up to him, he is used to being in control all the time. He is also extremely guarded about his feelings. I think he found himself in a situation where he was unable to control me and the direction that the affair was taking, so he bolted.

 

I know that the 2 months after our quarrel, he suffered some degree of emotional anguish, though he tried hard not to show it. But he has staunchly refused to see me in person, though he sends me text messages from time to time telling me that he misses me.

 

But i think we are both fed up with all this nonsense and are each trying to figure out ways to move on. He has always struggled throughout our affair to make sure that he'd never get hurt by always being so guarded. So many times I got so fed up with him bcos i felt he was playing mind games with me. In the end, we both got hurt anyway. And now all he has to cling to is his stupid pride.

 

Anyway, thanks for your input, Fieldsofgold. You seem like a really wise and sensible person, and I really appreciated your thoughts on this matter.

 

Hope to hear from you again soon. :)

  • Author
Posted
Katharin, go back and carefully re-read your OP (opening post; your first post in this thread) - especially where you described, word-for-word, your conversations with him. Notice HOW HE WORDED everything he said to you. He never made any promises or even declarations to you. It was all casting the hook out there and waiting for you to take the bait. You've been constantly guessing what he means ever since. That is the way he wants it. This guy is good. It made the hair on my arms stand straight up, reading it. He is a master manipulator. He's done this many times before. It's a little scary. If I were you, I wouldn't respond to any more of his text messages or other attempts to contact you. Creepy!!!

 

And I'm SO glad you didn't sleep with him! GOOD CALL!!! And an excellent reason to stop beating yourself up over this.

 

Oh dear! I must have been so blind indeed! Sigh... :(

 

It is true that he played mind games with me and i was always left guessing as to where i stood in his life and what he meant by the things he said. It was his way of maintaing control over the situation and me. Then when he felt that he no longer had control over me or the affair, he just walked away like, leaving me with nothing but many unanswered questions.

 

This affair was my first (and hopefully last!). It has shaken my self-confidence a lot. I think I gave this guy too much credit based on our past friendship. I have reached a point where I feel as if i don't know myself well enough to trust my own instincts anymore. It's scary to live life this way.

 

We've not met since august and it's been 11 days since our last contact. We never really said the affair was over, neither did we say we should put in place NC. Perhaps we are simply allowing our affair to die a slow and natural death.

 

I know we stalk each other on Facebook and because I refuse to show my hurt, he seems to see himself as the victim here (Can you believe this??? :eek:), that i am the one who's played him, by saying that I've fallen for him and then turning around and saying i'd never leave my husband for him.

 

He seems more preoccupied with licking his own wounds and feeling sorry for himself than thinking about the heartache I may be going through.

 

I just don't understand why he had to pick me. There are so many other girls he could have picked. Why me?

Posted (edited)

Katharine,

 

From another view point, let's say, his intentions were true, he did want to follow through and be honest with the intent to leave his family for you, had some idea of a plan.

 

What lead you down the path of wanting to connect with this exMM to the point of opening your heart and lowering your defenses in hopes that he would have 'a plan', it sounds like you almost saw this as a potential way out of your marriage.

 

Are you in a bad marriage or is your H a good guy with some problems? And if your H doesn't have any real redeemable qualities, with real issues ask yourself would you have honestly left your situation, your family at all? Not *for* the xMM but in general, knowing that after the divorce he may possibly be around for you to try a relationship with? ( assuming he also divorced )

 

 

-FC

Edited by FightClub
  • Author
Posted

 

KC,

 

Our sitches are similar. Same game, different words. I never felt my questions were ever really answered. He would twist my mind into a pretzel and that is why I only read 3/4 of the way through your post...it was too familiar.

 

Yes, he did twist my mind into a preztel. He was always, always deliberately VAGUE when i asked him questions or when we discussed important aspects of our relationship. He totally messed me up and made me so miserable in the process. I always wondered why it was so difficult to get a straight answer out of him. I never understood why he always seemed to be playing mind games with me. Now I know I am not alone and that he was indeed messing with me...

 

Most people do have some sort of a plan, especially if they initiate the things that he did....

 

You have no idea how spot on you are! This is what I have always believed. Especially since scenario planning is a major aspect of his job! He is a high-ranking military officer in-charge of anti-terrorist high-security measures. He is constantly engaged in all sorts of scenario-planning exercises involving the army and special ops. There is no way a guy like him will be clueless and just blindly find himself walking into an affair. Whenever i was with him, i felt that he was always 3 steps ahead of me. But I allowed myself to fall for him and believe that he actually cared for me.

 

People like this are masters at keeping people close to them off balance, the reason for this is they can go by "the anything goes" attitude, claiming they never meant anything by whatever, meaning it's hard to pin them down and they know it. The only thing you have after an encounter with him is frustration because they will never admit anything, they will throw the blame on you every time. They will never commit to anything either....with the exception of something that will further them and their agenda...they are usually harmless committments such as meeting places and such.

 

Pureinheart, we are kindred spirits indeed. Can u imagine how off-balanced my life was throughout the duration of the affair? It was horrid! And just like u said, he back-paddled. When I pinned him to the things he had said to me (I have a knack for remembering details in conversations, and emailed word-for-word the things he said to me that night at beach), I think his face went pale when he read it.

 

In my email to him, I told him: "You said this... and you said this... and you said this... BUT now you turn around and say you don't have a plan? I'd say that's a major case of back-paddling."

 

He has not found the courage to face me ever since.

 

Though I tried (initially) to meet up with him to talk things over, he always claimed that he was too busy. Can u ever be too busy to see someone you claim to love or care about? YET, he will send me messages to tell me that he missed me, which of course, always mess with my heart.

 

Hey KC, run for the hills girl!

 

If all of these responses were not enough for you to stay away from him, please don't sleep with him...you haven't as of yet and I hope you keep it that way...less complicated.

 

Yes, am running as fast as my little itty bitty legs can carry me!!! And I'm never turning back now that I've seen the light!!!! For that I've got to thank you and all the wonderful people who have taken the time to respond to my post. I am really very touched by the sincere concern all of you have shown me.

 

Don't worry, after seeing his true colours, do you actually think I will let him touch me again?

 

I don't hate him and do not regret the experience...unraveling my mind was a bit of a challenge, although what was meant for my destruction was turned for my good:D

 

What specific Life lessons did you learn from your own experience, Pureinheart?

 

KC *screaming*....he's not confused, he knew EXACTLY what he was doing...you called him on his game (of which you were completely unaware of, and innocently thought he was for real).

 

Humph! So he's not confused?? To think that I was feeling sorry for him thinking that perhaps he was enduring the same degree of emotional anguish as me!

 

If someone starts romancing me, I lay the cards out on the table, and that's exactly what you did...the questions you asked and the plans were reasonable IMO...It's always best to let the other person know where your coming from...it's being real...

 

IMO he is not real.

 

Thanks for the affirmation. I really needed to hear that. I asked those questions of him because I felt very strongly that I had to be accountable to my chidren. If i were single, I don't think I would have minded waiting a bit longer to see how things went. But when I knew I was indeed falling for him, I had to know where we were headed. I simply could not run around with a MM with my kids in tow like that. That would have been too irresponsible.

 

My biggest challenge is ridding myself of self-blame. I need to believe in myself again and have confidence in the choices that I have made. I obviously thought more highly of him than he deserved. This affair has been one great big Life lesson for me. I am less naive but also less trusting now.

 

Some days, I have no regrets that it happened. But on other days, I totally regret it. I have not reached that stage where i have made peace with myself yet. Once I have, i know i will be able to move on. I am sure with everyone's help here, it will happen soon enough.

 

The most damaging aspect of illicit love affairs is the damage it inflicts on the woman's self-esteem. I could feel my sense of self-worth slip away when i was deep in the throes of my affair. Surely, Love should not be like that?

  • Author
Posted
Katharine,

 

From another view point, let's say, his intentions were true, he did want to follow through and be honest with the intent to leave his family for you, had some idea of a plan.

 

What lead you down the path of wanting to connect with this exMM to the point of opening your heart and lowering your defenses in hopes that he would have 'a plan', it sounds like you almost saw this as a potential way out of your marriage.

 

Are you in a bad marriage or is your H a good guy with some problems? And if your H doesn't have any real redeemable qualities, with real issues ask yourself would you have honestly left your situation, your family at all? Not *for* the xMM but in general, knowing that after the divorce he may possibly be around for you to try a relationship with? ( assuming he also divorced )

 

Oh wow... does it really look that way?

The truth is, even while I was in the midst of the affair, I knew if I were to leave my H, it'd never be for the guy i was having the affair with (MM).

 

Reason being, i did not want my kids to resent the new guy in my life. If my kids knew that I had left their dad for MM, it'll be hard for them to accept him into their lives as they'll forever view him as the reason for their parents' break-up even if in reality their parents ended their marriage for various other reasons.

 

In addition to this, I did not think it was sensible to jump out of my marriage and plunge straight into another relationship.

 

The truth is, my H and I have been some serious problems throughout our marriage. And they got worse this year. Can u imagine living with some who resents having to take care of his family? Who throws tantrums every single morning at breakfast time because he feels that everyone is in his way even though we all have a right to be in the kitchen cos the kids need to eat before they head for school and I am busy packing their lunch? It's a really awful way to live.

 

Before I even reconnected with MM with whom i subsequently had the affair, i mentioned a few times to my H (very calmly) that since he resented having to take care of the family (i.e. pay the bills) he was free to divorce me and live the life of a swinging bachelor if he so wished. But he never took me up on my offer. He stayed on, for whatever reason and continued to torture everyone.

 

H also used to hit me and physically abuse me by shoving me so hard (he is very much stronger than me and I am petite in size) that I'd slam against the wall and end up bruised. Once I even had to take a restraining order against him and had to appear in court.

 

You are probably asking: Then why did u stay on in the marriage in spite of all this?

 

I'll tell you why: My parents, my family, made me stay. I was a young wife and mother, who was unsure and insecure. They convinced me that it was in my children's best interest that they grow up in an intact family.

 

But as the years passed, I grow wiser and more confident. I was less willing to put up with the abuse. My re-connection with MM happened to take place at that time in my life when i was very angry with everyone. I was feeling very rebellious and wanted to turn my back on the values i had been raised. I was so sick of being the dutiful wife, always placing everybody's needs before mine. Just once, I wanted to do somethng that made me happy. So when MM romanced me and kissed me, i just let it happened.

 

Even though I found myself falling for him, I knew at the back of my mind that i'd never leave my husband for him. It was always very clear in my mind that my reasons for divorce would be independent of a 3rd party.

 

I am not 100% sure why I asked MM if he had a plan. It could be because my feelings for him were getting stronger and that scared me. I needed to know if he was serious about me, even if I was not ready to make any commitment to him. I only wanted to know if his feelings towards me were sincere. I did not need him to rescue me. But i suppose it did not come across that way huh?

 

Frankly, I am glad that he was honest enough to tell me that he did not have a plan, rather than lie to me and string me along on false hopes. I probably scared him off by asking him for "a plan". But i have no regrets. I did it because I had to be accountable to my kids. I did not want to end up falling for someone who did not see his future with me. Then i'd be heart-broken and stuck in a horrid marriage, having to deal with raising my kids as best as i can while being emotionally messed up. This was the scenario i wanted to avoid at all costs.

 

You gotta understand that it was MM who raised my hopes in the first place. That night at the beach when he kissed me, I laid out all my cards on the table and I voiced my concerns very frankly to him. If he hadn't said what he said, would i have come to expect some sort of plan from him?

Posted
He a guy who is cheating. 9 times out of 10 married people who cheat are untrustworthy. So you've learned a great life lesson. People who cheat also have to lie. 9 times out of 10 married people who cheat are lying to their spouse and lying to their AP. Neither party is getting 100% of the truth 100% of the time.

 

Sorry, YellowShark, but your statistics ARE wrong.

 

When a married person cheats, they are lying to, and deceiving their spouse 100% of the time - or it wouldn't be cheating - it would be an open relationship.

 

When a spouse cheats, they are being untrustworthy to their spouse 100% of the time. I don't see how you could figure that 10% of the time they weren't?

Posted

Katherin....so what's the status of your marriage at this point?

 

I've seen post after post about your MOM...and I don't see virtually any mention of your H, of your marriage, or your plans for the future here?

 

It's possible I missed them, and if so I apologize.

 

But you're so focused on what's going on with MOM, I don't see what's happening in YOUR life to rectify anything.

Posted
Katherin....so what's the status of your marriage at this point?

 

I've seen post after post about your MOM...and I don't see virtually any mention of your H, of your marriage, or your plans for the future here?

 

It's possible I missed them, and if so I apologize.

 

But you're so focused on what's going on with MOM, I don't see what's happening in YOUR life to rectify anything.

 

I was thinking the same thing. First things first. In this case, the first thing being - what about your marriage?

  • Author
Posted
Katherin....so what's the status of your marriage at this point?

 

I've seen post after post about your MOM...and I don't see virtually any mention of your H, of your marriage, or your plans for the future here?

 

But you're so focused on what's going on with MOM, I don't see what's happening in YOUR life to rectify anything.

 

My marriage was rocky way before I reconnected with MM. Throughout the 10 years i have been married, there have been men who expressed interest in me. But I never got involved with them despite being unhappy in my marriage. I always kept them at arm's length. These were men who have gotten to know me after I had gotten married, so I consider them mere acquaintances and never let them get close to me.

 

I never got involved them because I just did not think it would be right to pursue something of this nature. But when I reconnected with MM, my guard was down. This was someone who used to be my shoulder to cry on, my listening ear.

 

I have hesitated to talk about my marriage because it would involve my speaking ill of my H which I am reluctant to do. But since you asked, I will tell you. My husband used to abuse me physically. Then as the kids got older, he stopped (because they were old enough to be witnessses and he did not want them to judge him). However, the emotional and phsychological abuse continued.

 

I was never allowed to divorce him because my parents and extended family members all felt that it was in my children's best interest that they grew up in an intact family. Also, I loved my husband back then, very much. I was a young wife and mother back then. Insecure and unsure of herself. But over the years, I have grown wiser and more confident through my suffering. And last year, i actually seriously considered leaving my husband.

 

I started reading up on the Law and the effects the divorce might have on my kids. The only thing that held me back was money. I do not want to divorce my husband and expect alimony from him. I'd like to be able to support the kids myself. So I am working on that at the moment.

 

It was only last year that I suddenly realised that I no longer loved my husband. I cannot remember what led me to that realisation. But i remember confiding in my best friend and she asked: Are you sure? Or are you just saying it cos you're upset with him.

 

And I said: I really feel nothing for him.

 

The only reason why the affair was able to happen was because my guard was down. MM was an old friend - my guard was down. I'd never let any other guy get that close to me or allow myself to be in that kind of situation otherwise.

 

As with most things in Life, timing is everything.

 

MM re-entered my life at a point where i was very angry with everyone. I was fed up with being the dutiful wife and daugther - always placing everyone's needs before my own. I was feeling very rebellious and turned my back on the values I was raised on.

 

My husband sensed that I was withdrawing into myself and pulling away from him while my affair was going on (I was really into MM). I think it worried him. He's always taken me for granted, thinking that i'd never leave him.

 

Though he could never prove that I was having an affair, I am not sure if he suspects anything. In any case, since the affair, he's made an effort to be nicer to me. But i honestly feel nothing for him. It's really hard to me to open up my heart again after all that he's put me through. I just don't want to get hurt. You've no idea what kind of horrid stuff he's put me through.

 

I can tolerate living with him now cos he's making an effort to be a good father to our kids and that matters to me. But I feel nothing for him. I don't hate him or resent him. I just feel nothing. All that I can summon up is platonic affection on account of the fact that we've known each other for more than 10 years.

 

People say Love is an act of will. Well, I have been trying really hard to love him again. But it's just not there. And the fact of the matter is that, if i had a million bucks today, i'd leave him in a heart beat. What does this tell you?

 

As for MM, I am so done with him. For this I have to thank all of you for the support and encouragement you have given me. I no longer waste my time thinking about him.

Posted

I have hesitated to talk about my marriage because it would involve my speaking ill of my H which I am reluctant to do. But since you asked, I will tell you. My husband used to abuse me physically. Then as the kids got older, he stopped (because they were old enough to be witnessses and he did not want them to judge him). However, the emotional and phsychological abuse continued.

 

Just because he doesn't abuse you physically anymore shouldn't lesson the other kinds of abuse. It's just as damaging. He is still doing this? And what about the example that your children are being shown?

 

I was never allowed to divorce him because my parents and extended family members all felt that it was in my children's best interest that they grew up in an intact family.

 

Allowed???? :confused: You are a grown woman Katherin, you CAN make your own decisions. Also an intact family should not come at the price of suffering abuse nor letting your children witness abuse.

 

 

Also, I loved my husband back then, very much. I was a young wife and mother back then. Insecure and unsure of herself. But over the years, I have grown wiser and more confident through my suffering. And last year, i actually seriously considered leaving my husband.

 

I started reading up on the Law and the effects the divorce might have on my kids. The only thing that held me back was money. I do not want to divorce my husband and expect alimony from him. I'd like to be able to support the kids myself. So I am working on that at the moment.

 

Regarding the support....It happens everyday. A father is obligated to pay for HIS children and I don't get why you'd have a problem with this. :confused::confused:

 

It was only last year that I suddenly realised that I no longer loved my husband. I cannot remember what led me to that realisation. But i remember confiding in my best friend and she asked: Are you sure? Or are you just saying it cos you're upset with him.

 

And I said: I really feel nothing for him.

 

The only reason why the affair was able to happen was because my guard was down. MM was an old friend - my guard was down. I'd never let any other guy get that close to me or allow myself to be in that kind of situation otherwise.

 

As with most things in Life, timing is everything.

 

MM re-entered my life at a point where i was very angry with everyone. I was fed up with being the dutiful wife and daugther - always placing everyone's needs before my own. I was feeling very rebellious and turned my back on the values I was raised on.

 

My husband sensed that I was withdrawing into myself and pulling away from him while my affair was going on (I was really into MM). I think it worried him. He's always taken me for granted, thinking that i'd never leave him.

 

Though he could never prove that I was having an affair, I am not sure if he suspects anything. In any case, since the affair, he's made an effort to be nicer to me. But i honestly feel nothing for him. It's really hard to me to open up my heart again after all that he's put me through. I just don't want to get hurt. You've no idea what kind of horrid stuff he's put me through.

 

I can tolerate living with him now cos he's making an effort to be a good father to our kids and that matters to me. But I feel nothing for him. I don't hate him or resent him. I just feel nothing. All that I can summon up is platonic affection on account of the fact that we've known each other for more than 10 years.

 

People say Love is an act of will. Well, I have been trying really hard to love him again. But it's just not there. And the fact of the matter is that, if i had a million bucks today, i'd leave him in a heart beat. What does this tell you?

 

As for MM, I am so done with him. For this I have to thank all of you for the support and encouragement you have given me. I no longer waste my time thinking about him.

 

Hopefully this experience will help you to take charge of your own life and set a good example for your children by either having a loving relationship with your husband or removing yourself from a dysfunctional relationship and giving them the best role models. I'm not saying it's easy but you are clearly a very smart lady. :)

Posted

If you're truly in a bad marriage, or any bad relationship...you should end it.

 

I get that MM is out of your life now...good.

 

But that is actually only a side point to the real issue you're facing here, apparently.

 

I've given advice to any number of WS's (wayward spouses) on this site, telling them that they should end the marriage before they move on with their affair partner.

 

Even with MM gone, you're still in the same situation.

 

If your H is abusive...in any fashion...then you are NOT doing your kids any favors by remaining married to him. Kids learn relationship skills from the role models provided by their parents.

 

What are your kids learning from the two of you? What would a daughter learn about marriage from you...or a son from your H?

 

You don't need anyone's permission to divorce.

 

It's clear that you no longer feel love for your H like you should...and apparent that he's never treated you as a wife should be treated.

 

Why stay and let your kids learn these traits? Why stay and keep yourself (and possibly even your H) from finding someone to TRULY be happy with?

 

Just my thoughts. Had you said MM was still in the picture...my advice would have been the same. Divorce...then see where things are at. Even with him out...divorce, take care of yourself and your kids...then see where things are at with other people.

Posted

Katherine you sound like you have been brainwashed (for lack of a better word) by your family and the abuse you have suffered with your H.

 

As BB so wisely said he is required to support his children. Yes you would be costing him money and he will be angry about that. But thats too bad for him.

 

Its unfortunate you dont have the support of your extended family.

 

Do they know how abusive he has been to you? Perhaps you have abuse in your family of origin and they think you need to just stay?

 

There are lots of services for abused women. They could help you to safely leave your H with your children if that is an issue.

 

You need to leave as scary as that sounds to you right now. Emotional abuse is at least as damaging as physical abuse.

 

Maybe the MM was a godsend. It was a cry for help. You acknowledging that you really want to end your marriage.

 

Dont forget how happy you were with him. You can be that happy with someone else. You dont need to be a martyr for your children and as others have said its a misguided martyrdom. You arent showing them a positive example. Would you want your daughter to stay in an abusive relationship? No you wouldnt wish that on her. And she would never wish that on you.

Posted

BB07 - she said she doesn't expect/want alimony from him. That I understand.

 

She didn't say she didn't want/expect child support. Two totally different things. ;)

Posted

He a guy who is cheating. 9 times out of 10 married people who cheat are untrustworthy. So you've learned a great life lesson. People who cheat also have to lie. 9 times out of 10 married people who cheat are lying to their spouse and lying to their AP. Neither party is getting 100% of the truth 100% of the time.

 

Interesting statement, YellowShark. All married people who cheat are lying to the spouse if not also the AP. My MM and I are friends and we keep our affair "as close to the truth as possible," meaning that they know when we're on the phone or chatting online, or hanging out. But we're lying by omission. This is totally splitting hairs, but all cheaters are liars, just by the nature of what they're doing. But you have an excellent point, regardless...you always do :)

 

Katharin, you're in the right forum. I never knew this place existed, and happened upon it after my affair started and I was completely conflicted by the infidelity...I just started googling, looking for answers. Though I blundered around here at first, the responses I got to my posts were always insightful and thoughtful, and opened my eyes to a reality I never knew existed. I've learned so much just reading other posts here. The people posting here are truly awesome, brutally honest, and incredibly supportive.

 

You made the right call in questioning this guy, letting it end, and continuing to doubt his motives. He's not a friend to you, and you just need to move on and figure out what's right for you. Best of luck, and hugs to you.

Posted
Yes, he did twist my mind into a preztel. He was always, always deliberately VAGUE when i asked him questions or when we discussed important aspects of our relationship. He totally messed me up and made me so miserable in the process. I always wondered why it was so difficult to get a straight answer out of him. I never understood why he always seemed to be playing mind games with me. Now I know I am not alone and that he was indeed messing with me...

 

This is the thing I could not handle...so get this, after a fight (this was during the tail end of his divorce) of me not talking to him nor answering is persistant calls, I finally talked to him and asked him what it was he wanted, and "what were we", he would not give me a straight answer and said he would tell me the next day:rolleyes: (as usual). I asked him again the following day and got him to answer "friends"...I said ok, "friends " it is...so we go out to our usual spots and a guy picked up on me and I got his phone number (I never give mine out)....exDM got sooooo pissed...I told him, you picked "friends", so live with it.

 

 

 

You have no idea how spot on you are! This is what I have always believed. Especially since scenario planning is a major aspect of his job! He is a high-ranking military officer in-charge of anti-terrorist high-security measures. He is constantly engaged in all sorts of scenario-planning exercises involving the army and special ops. There is no way a guy like him will be clueless and just blindly find himself walking into an affair. Whenever i was with him, i felt that he was always 3 steps ahead of me. But I allowed myself to fall for him and believe that he actually cared for me.

 

ExDM was very calculated, he acted unaware, but I know...MM in your case has a high level of intelligence and stress that you or I would never understand. He thrives on stress, it is what drives him, it is instilled in him. What you described sounded very familiar.

 

Stress generates adrenalin, I noticed by your wording the same behaviors...addiction to adrenalin. They like new ways of releasing this high, or there are sure fire methods of it's release so they seek those...

 

LOL, he used to say "I don't know what I'm doing"...and I believed it for awhile until I saw the down to the minute calculated detailed planning...and the guy couldn't plan a future with me...oooookkkkay.

 

I have to say this, he mostlikely does care for you. He has known you for quite sometime, you are familiar and in his position trust is extremely important. He would be VERY STUPID in his position to befriend strangers...very stupid.

 

I personally think he wants the best of both worlds and found that you were not willing to play and in his position he cannot run around and hit on strangers...if he does I think he is playing with fire.

 

 

 

Pureinheart, we are kindred spirits indeed. Can u imagine how off-balanced my life was throughout the duration of the affair? It was horrid! And just like u said, he back-paddled. When I pinned him to the things he had said to me (I have a knack for remembering details in conversations, and emailed word-for-word the things he said to me that night at beach), I think his face went pale when he read it.

 

In my email to him, I told him: "You said this... and you said this... and you said this... BUT now you turn around and say you don't have a plan? I'd say that's a major case of back-paddling."

 

He has not found the courage to face me ever since.

 

Though I tried (initially) to meet up with him to talk things over, he always claimed that he was too busy. Can u ever be too busy to see someone you claim to love or care about? YET, he will send me messages to tell me that he missed me, which of course, always mess with my heart.

 

 

 

Yes, am running as fast as my little itty bitty legs can carry me!!! And I'm never turning back now that I've seen the light!!!! For that I've got to thank you and all the wonderful people who have taken the time to respond to my post. I am really very touched by the sincere concern all of you have shown me.

 

Don't worry, after seeing his true colours, do you actually think I will let him touch me again?

 

 

I just am so sorry for your pain....

 

 

 

What specific Life lessons did you learn from your own experience, Pureinheart?

 

I have to say, this is the most devastating relationship I've ever experienced. I was traumatised due to many happenings and was vulnerable...I normally don't do MM or men who have even platonic relationships with other females...I don't like to step on anyones toes or get into anyones space.

 

Like you, we were friends and it totally threw me off...it took a WHOLE lot of coaxing for me to have those types of feelings. I still kept things into perspective, but it was hard.

 

This was very humbling as I was chastising a really good friend for being in an affair, I have learned (again) that I am not above reproach and to never say "never" and that it can happen to anyone at anytime.

 

On the flipside, exDM was a good friend first, that is where it should have stayed, BUT it didn't, although on the friend part of it and our working relationship...well, I will always be grateful for that. He taught me a lot and did a lot for me and I appreciate it.

 

I go from hurt, to anger to forgiveness a lot (back and forth) and try to remind myself that anger and hatred don't work (for me). I wish him the best and hope he can overcome his committment phobia, and anything else that he needs to. If anything negative happens to him I hope I don't hear it and hope everything good happens....but I can never go back...

 

 

 

Humph! So he's not confused?? To think that I was feeling sorry for him thinking that perhaps he was enduring the same degree of emotional anguish as me!

 

This is a hard one...it's hard to tell what's up in his heart due to his military training. Every Officer/Enlisted is different concerning how the training (bootcamp and all of the A schools). I don't think he's confused though.

 

 

 

Thanks for the affirmation. I really needed to hear that. I asked those questions of him because I felt very strongly that I had to be accountable to my chidren. If i were single, I don't think I would have minded waiting a bit longer to see how things went. But when I knew I was indeed falling for him, I had to know where we were headed. I simply could not run around with a MM with my kids in tow like that. That would have been too irresponsible.

 

My biggest challenge is ridding myself of self-blame. I need to believe in myself again and have confidence in the choices that I have made. I obviously thought more highly of him than he deserved. This affair has been one great big Life lesson for me. I am less naive but also less trusting now.

 

Some days, I have no regrets that it happened. But on other days, I totally regret it. I have not reached that stage where i have made peace with myself yet. Once I have, i know i will be able to move on. I am sure with everyone's help here, it will happen soon enough.

 

The most damaging aspect of illicit love affairs is the damage it inflicts on the woman's self-esteem. I could feel my sense of self-worth slip away when i was deep in the throes of my affair. Surely, Love should not be like that?

 

Please don't blame yourself, he came off very cavalier, sure of what he wanted...especially with the fact that you knew him prior. It would have been different had he gone about things other than the way he did. The thing that bothers me is that he ceased to communicate with you when you put your feelings out there. That tells me he had a clear agenda.

 

Hey, thanks for responding to all of our posts to you KC, your a special person and should not have been messed with like this...I mean these are peoples feelings....well at least he didn't take this further after you spoke your mind...((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Posted

I felt as if I had messed up contact with him in some way you know. I kept googling the silliest stuff. Stuff I am too ashamed to even admit on an anonymous forum. LoL. But I have tapered that off too and I am getting to a place that doesn't revolve around my brain and emotions as much right now. I was just checking in on you. It seems as if you are seeing the light too. No matter how you get there, recovering your self esteem and self worth is a HUGE step. It feels horrid to be sunk to the level of needing reassurance so bad that you feel like a stalker almost. :eek: And to be able to get through that need to the other side and feel sanity return and a less intense desire to KNOW something is GREAT! I know there is still a desire there for SOME sort of knowledge, but it's no longer a driving need. And that gives us back some sense of strength as an independent person that doesn't sit around waiting on any contact from the other person.

 

I am happy that you have made it this far and happy for myself too. Now if I can just erase the desire all together... :o Slowly but surely!

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Posted

I never knew this place existed, and happened upon it after my affair started and I was completely conflicted by the infidelity...I just started googling, looking for answers. Though I blundered around here at first, the responses I got to my posts were always insightful and thoughtful, and opened my eyes to a reality I never knew existed. I've learned so much just reading other posts here. The people posting here are truly awesome, brutally honest, and incredibly supportive.

 

Are you still carrying on with your affair or have you ended it?

 

You made the right call in questioning this guy, letting it end, and continuing to doubt his motives. He's not a friend to you, and you just need to move on and figure out what's right for you. Best of luck, and hugs to you.

 

Thanks for your support. Before I joined this forum, I was lost in my own pain and anguish, unable to see things for what they were. I am feeling much better these days, though a few things remain unresolved.

 

Hope to hear from you soon.

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Posted

I just want to say that i benefitted greatly from you sharing your experience with me. All the advise and encouragement I have received in the last week has really emboldened me.

 

For the first time in such a long while, I feel as if I can actually cut the cord that has bound me to my MM for so long.

 

I now need to focus on what I should do with my H. I don't love him anymore and would like to leave him. But I am anxious about what that entails.

  • Author
Posted

I think I have moved on somewhat. The affirmation and words of encouragement I have been receiving from my kind friends at this forum have helped a great deal.

 

When I say I've moved on, I mean that I no longer hope to hear from him or even see him again (which is sad, considering that we were such good friends from before). Unfortunately, I have yet to have broken my very bad habit of stalking him on Facebook. This is something I am working on, and as of today, I plan to STOP this unconstructive and obsessive habit. It really does me no good at all. And I really hate myself for succumbing to the temptation.

 

Being part of this community has been a very positive experience for me. People always think that individuals who have extra-marital affairs are selfish and immoral. But if they were to take the time and read the stories here, they'll realise that Life is not purely black and white. There is an entire spectrum consisting of shades of grey that one has to consider.

 

Also, by reading the stories here, they will realise the pain and anguish that people in affairs endure. Surely then, they will understand that this is not something that we ask for. Sometimes, our hearts take us places we do not expect. And in doing so, we are challenged to make some hard choices. But it is in overcoming our adversity that we become stronger and more compassionate.

 

In retrospect, I do not regret that my affair happened. In spite of the emotional anguish, I view it as one of the good things that have happened in my life because it has forced me to take a good hard look at my marriage and forced me to ask myself: What kind of life do you really want for yourself?

 

I never intended to peg my future to my MM. Some of the people who read my thread will think that I did because I asked him if he had a plan. But it's not so simple. I asked him if he had a plan merely to challenge him to look inward. I needed to see for myself if this guy knew what he was doing or was simply allowing himself to get carried away by his emotions. I told him that if he did not have a plan, to me it meant that he did not know what he was doing. And if he did not know what he was doing, then he really should not be messing with me.

 

And we have not met since.

 

Hope all is well with you too, Jane. It's nice being friends with you.

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Posted

Katherine you sound like you have been brainwashed (for lack of a better word) by your family and the abuse you have suffered with your H.

 

As BB so wisely said he is required to support his children. Yes you would be costing him money and he will be angry about that. But thats too bad for him.

 

Its unfortunate you dont have the support of your extended family.

 

Do they know how abusive he has been to you? Perhaps you have abuse in your family of origin and they think you need to just stay?

 

There are lots of services for abused women. They could help you to safely leave your H with your children if that is an issue.

 

You need to leave as scary as that sounds to you right now. Emotional abuse is at least as damaging as physical abuse.

 

Sigh... You are right. Staying on in this marriage when H is simply being a poor role model is not benefitting my children at all. Yes, my family knows about what he's done. But they jsut want me to suck it up and stay on in the marriage. He does not physically abuse me anymore. But he has a very bad temper and i fear that my children are picking that up from him. Each time he has one of his outbursts, i feel more convinced that i must leave. The reason why I want to be financial independent is because I know he will default on child support / alimony. Yup, he's that kind of guy. Even now, when we are married to each other, it is already so difficult for me to get money from him to pay for stuff that the kids need for school. I often have to dip into my own savings (which aren't much cos i don't work full time) to pay for their stuff first , then wait for him to be in a good mood before asking him to reimburse me.

 

 

Maybe the MM was a godsend. It was a cry for help. You acknowledging that you really want to end your marriage.

 

Dont forget how happy you were with him. You can be that happy with someone else. You dont need to be a martyr for your children and as others have said its a misguided martyrdom. You arent showing them a positive example. Would you want your daughter to stay in an abusive relationship? No you wouldnt wish that on her. And she would never wish that on you.

 

You are right about that. I too feel that way about him. If anything, he might just be the catalyst that I need to jumpstart things in my life. He helped to awaken in me feelings that i though no longer existed. For such a long long time, i lived merely for my children. The idea of having love, passion and joy in my life was buried deep inside me. So deep that i had forgotten all about it. Until he came along. It was truly a wonderful feeling to be able to experience all those emotions again. Even the anguish. I can say that I have lived, because I have suffered for love.

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