Why did he walk away just like that and still maintain contact?

[Katharin Clifton]

I have been carrying my anguish in my heart for the past 4 months. I need some clarity and I hope that I will be able to get some useful advice here. I hope I will be able to gain some perspective and move on from where I am because I have been suffering in silence all these months in utter confusion.

 

So here goes…

 

Last year, through Facebook, I reconnected with an old friend from school. Back when we were 17, we were good friends and hung out occasionally. When my boyfriend broke my heart, he’d be there to comfort me. He was also attached at that time and would talk to me about his girlfriend too. After graduation, he went abroad and we continued our friendship by writing letters to each other. However, as time passed, we lost contact. As far as I knew, our friendship was 100% Platonic on my side. I never considered anything beyond friendship with him.

 

That was about 16 years ago.

 

Last year, we reconnected through Facebook. We would send each other messages if we happened to be online at the same time. The online chats were usually brief and platonic.

 

Then this year, we finally found time to meet up for a quick dinner. That was our first meeting in 16 years. We had a nice time updating each other on what’s been happening in each others’ lives. He mentioned briefly without going into too much detail that his marriage of 5 years was a bit rocky. I listened sympathetically and told him perhaps it’s a just phase. I told him I was sure they’d be able to work things out.

 

At one point in the evening, I asked him: Why did we stop writing to each other?

 

He said: I didn’t. You did. You stopped writing to me. I’d never have stopped writing to you.

 

3 months later, he initiated dinner again. During our 2nd dinner, he told me just how unhappy he was in his marriage and how disconnected he felt from his wife. He told me that he had been rushed into his marriage at a time when he felt he wasn’t ready and that they were now living separate lives though they lived in the same apartment. He said that he has thought about divorcing his wife but sometimes worried about what would happen to her (they have no kids). Again, I comforted him by saying that Life did not just have 1 season and things will not always stay the same, for better or for worse.

 

Then later on, towards the end of the dinner, things started to get a little weird. He started to look at me in a strange way when I was in his car – it was one of those long, lingering looks that lasted more than 5 seconds. Also, at one point, he even put his finger on my neck to feel my pulse. When he did that, I immediately pulled myself away from him because it made me so uncomfortable.

 

When we said goodbye, he hugged me and held me so tight. He even kissed my shoulder.

 

5 days later, he asked me if I could meet him for dinner. I declined. I told him that I was busy. He looked me up again on 3 days later. Again, I told him I was busy. Finally, 4 days later, he asked me out for dinner and we met up. I suggested that we go out for pizza. But he said that he wanted it to be a picnic at the beach and that he’d get the food before picking me up. Alarm bells went off in my head. I mean, is it normal for a married man to prepare a picnic at the beach at night for someone who’s supposedly just a friend?

 

At the beach that night, he kissed me – tentatively at first, then deeply and passionately. I pushed him away.

 

I said: Stop, stop stop. What are we doing? You are married. I am married. I’ve got 2 kids. Are you in love with me?

 

He said: You wouldn’t be able to handle the truth.

 

(What does he mean by that?)

 

I went on to ask him: Are you sure we can make things work between us?

 

He said: I can. You can’t.

 

I said: But you’re married.

 

He said: Not for long.

 

I said: But I’ve got 2 kids.

 

He said: I’ve reached a point in my life where I feel ready to have kids.

 

I said: Have u always felt this way about me? Why didn’t you ever tell me?

 

He said: I always thought a girl like you would never be interested in a guy like me.

 

Well, that night when he sent me home, before I got out of his car, held me in his arms and said to me: Please don’t ignore me.

 

I nodded my headed and went home.

 

The next day, I felt very confused and scared. My initial reaction was to cut off all contact and run in the opposite direction away from him. But I remembered what I had promised him, so I did not.

 

We met up 2 more times after that and with each meeting, the physical chemistry between us grew stronger. I asked him if he's ever kissed anyone else or done anything like this before during his 5 year marriage and he said: No.

 

Then he asked me the same question and I said: No.

 

I looked at him and asked him: Why me then? Why now?

 

He said he did know and that it was something he couldn't explain.

 

He also asked me: Why me?

 

And i shook my head and said: I can't explain it either. But I have fallen for you.

 

During one of our meetings, I asked him: Why is it that you never ask me anything about my marriage?

 

He said: Because I am afraid of what I will find out.

 

(What does he mean by that?)

 

Well, a few days after that, he did ask. And I finally told him everything.

 

I told him that my husband and I had been having problems way before the both of us got reconnected, and that I have considered divorcing him. The only reason why I have not done so is because I was still assessing the situation to get the timing right. Then I asked him what his plans were.

 

Do you know what he said?

 

He said: Seriously, I do not have any plans for anything now. Why do you keep asking me for one?

 

I said: So you made a move on me without a plan? Knowing that I was married with 2 kids?

 

He said: You honestly thought that I had planned to kiss you that night at the beach?

 

I said: If that was a mistake then I suggest we stop everything right now. If you haven’t got a plan, I am not willing to walk down this path with you.

 

He said: I do not mean that it was a mistake. It’s just that our feelings carried us to where we are right now. That’s why I have no plan now.

 

I said: It’s been a month. If you did not have a plan, you should think about making one now. I am so done with you. Don’t call or text me anymore.

 

THEN, he said something that really really made me angry.

 

He said: But how well do you really know me? I’m not sure if you really know me to be sure that you are falling for me.

 

(What does he mean? Is he trying to push me away? Or does he just want me to affirm my feelings for him to feel more secure?)

 

Well, at that time, I just felt as if he was going back on everything that he had said to me before and that he was trying to push me away. I mean, after everything that we have been doing and saying to each other, how can he say something like that to me?

 

So I said this to him: I will never leave my husband for you or for any other guy. If I ever did, it would be because I was ready. And I am not, just yet.

 

I ended by saying: If you haven’t got a plan it’s ok, cos I haven’t got one either. But we still need to talk about where we stand in each other’s lives and how far we want to take this.

 

Well, that was 3 months ago and we haven’t talked about it at all. The 2 weeks immediately after our quarrel, we did not speak to each other at all. Then, he tried to make contact and even suggested that we meet. I agreed, hoping to talk things out. I waited and waited for him to confirm the time and place but he never got back to me.

 

Since then, we have been sending each other text messages like: “How are you?” “Thinking of you…”

 

But we haven’t met up. I tried asking him to meet me twice but each time he said he was too busy. But he would still keep in touch with me through text messages.

 

I am very confused. On the one hand, I think he is trying to avoid me. But he is still keeping in touch with me. I don’t know what he wants.

 

I know that he is hurting from the way he sounds in his text messages. I just wish that he would meet me so that we can talk things out. But I don’t think that’s what he wants. I am finding it difficult to move on because I need closure and I am not getting it.

 

The thing that I am trying to understand is this

Did he give up on us because I said I would never leave my husband for him?

Or did he give up on us because he cannot give me what I want – a plan for our future?

 

I know that I broke his heart and I feel bad about it. If only he knew the emotional anguish that I have been going through myself. But I cannot bring myself to tell him that. I miss him so much.

 

If he misses me as much as I miss him, why won’t he meet me to talk? I just don’t understand how he can just leave things like that can still communicate with me via text messages. I don’t know how to relate to him. It feels weird and tense at times.

 

Please, if anyone has any insights to share that will lessen my confusion and anguish, please come forward and share. I need to know what to do. I want this pain in my heart to end.

 

Thanks so much.

Edited November 14, 2010 by Katharin Clifton
To neaten it up.

[whichwayisup]

What about your husband? The vows and promises you said to him?

 

You've spent way too much time bonding and letting yourself get too emotionally attached to someone who you really don't know anymore. This guy is NO friend, he's a cancer to your marriage and already has manipulated you very easily.

 

You ignored your gut instincts. Why? You refused dinner 3 times!! KNEW something wasn't right. What made you say "yes" the 4th time of him asking?

 

Bottomline is this. This guy had you pegged from the beginning. Not malciously, but selfishly..He knew exactly what to say to you, read you like a book.

 

He wants an affair, sex, no strings attached. If he truly "loved" you, he wouldn't be treating you this way.

 

Time to say goodbye to him, not worry about hurting him (he's a GROWN MAN) and focus on fixing your marriage, reconnecting with your husband again.

 

Four months isn't that long, so don't make this into more than what it is/was.

 

This guy isn't worth your time or effort!

[whichwayisup]

The thing that I am trying to understand is this

Did he give up on us because I said I would never leave my husband for him?

Or did he give up on us because he cannot give me what I want – a plan for our future?

 

Uhmm, this makes no sense. One breath you say you won't leave your husband for him, then the next you say this guy can't give you what you want, a plan for the future?

 

What do YOU want? Divorce and breakup your family unit so you can go be with a guy you don't know anymore? Someone you recently reconnected with ON facebook from your past?

 

If you're having thoughts of leaving and divorcing your husband, do that first reguardless of what this other guy does or doesn't do. But I can tell you now, he isn't going to leave his wife of five years for you! His actions show you this.

[Katharin Clifton]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and for your sincere response.

 

Gosh.. I feel so stupid. I really cared for him. I should have just ignored him after he tried to kiss me. Instead I let it drag on and got myself deeper into it. I just find it so hard to believe that a friend who used to stand by me, someone with whom i share many mutual friends and a shared history, would do this to me. It is very painful to accept. And yet, you are right, it was only 4 months, so why am I making such a big deal out of it? We have not met since August, so the actual affair only lasted 24 days!

 

So I suppose I am to conclude that his guy doesn't care squat about me?

 

Well, in a way i should be thankful that he was honest in admitting that he had no plans, instead of stringing me along with lies. This will make it easier for me to walk away from him.

[Katharin Clifton]

Uhmm, this makes no sense. One breath you say you won't leave your husband for him, then the next you say this guy can't give you what you want, a plan for the future?

 

What do YOU want? Divorce and breakup your family unit so you can go be with a guy you don't know anymore? Someone you recently reconnected with ON facebook from your past?

 

If you're having thoughts of leaving and divorcing your husband, do that first reguardless of what this other guy does or doesn't do. But I can tell you now, he isn't going to leave his wife of five years for you! His actions show you this.

 

Yes, the reason why I told him I would never leave my husband for him or any guy is because if I did that, my kids would never accept the new guy in my life as they would view him as the reason for their parents' break up. I guess I never made that clear to him.

 

And I wanted to know if he had a plan for our future as I needed to know how serious he was about me. I need to be accountable to my kids. I cannot be running around and behaving so irresponsibly with this guy if he does not know what he's doing. And well, I found out soon enough that he really had no idea what he was doing and was merely allowing himself to get carried away by his feelings for me, whatever they may be. I guess, you could say it was a test. And he failed spectacularly.

 

24 days was all I could stand before the nonsense got to me. I have no regrets that it has ended but it sure does sadden me to know that he won't even take the time to talk things out with me. As far as he's concerned it's over. Period. Just like that?

[BB07]

Yes, the reason why I told him I would never leave my husband for him or any guy is because if I did that, my kids would never accept the new guy in my life as they would view him as the reason for their parents' break up. I guess I never made that clear to him.

 

And I wanted to know if he had a plan for our future as I needed to know how serious he was about me. I need to be accountable to my kids. I cannot be running around and behaving so irresponsibly with this guy if he does not know what he's doing. And well, I found out soon enough that he really had no idea what he was doing and was merely allowing himself to get carried away by his feelings for me, whatever they may be. I guess, you could say it was a test. And he failed spectacularly.

 

24 days was all I could stand before the nonsense got to me. I have no regrets that it has ended but it sure does sadden me to know that he won't even take the time to talk things out with me. As far as he's concerned it's over. Period. Just like that?

 

You should look at it differently, actually he did you a favor by it being over......just like that. Imagine how much worse and torn you would feel if the affair had carried on for a few more months and years. Read the stories here about how the waffling back and forth almost destroys some of the OW. It ain't a pretty picture!

 

Now you have the chance to get your life and marriage back on track or decide clear headed about if the marriage is what you want or not. Consider it a blessing.

 

BTW.......I suspect that "your friend" was living a little fantasy with you and he got scared when you starting talking about the realities. You need to think about the little fantasy that you were playing with also.

 

You need to prepare for a time down the road when he will contact you again, hoping to suck you back into the affair. He will tell you he missed you and how he got scared......blah, blah, blah and if you aren't careful you will be right back in it and opening yourself up to far worse down the road. I would advise you to do everything you can to block any means that he may contact you in the future.

[YellowShark]

24 days was all I could stand before the nonsense got to me. I have no regrets that it has ended but it sure does sadden me to know that he won't even take the time to talk things out with me. As far as he's concerned it's over. Period. Just like that?

 

Yup. Just like that. Why? Because you ruined his plans. His *real* plan was just to get you in the sack. His cover story to get you in the sack was to claim he wanted kids with you, and his marriage was in the crapper.

 

Since you torpedoed his *real* plan by bringing up logistics of your soon-to-be relationship, and realities of both of you divorcing he backed off 100% and dumped you. (Since all he really wanted was sex.)

 

I tried asking him to meet me twice but each time he said he was too busy.

 

So the man who professes his undying 16-year love for you, and who wants to have kids with you is now too busy to discuss the realities of your future together. Go figure.

 

You dodged a bullet Katharin, thank goodness you had the self-awareness and integrity to walk away from a toxic situation.

 

Best of luck.

[newpriorities]

You should look at it differently, actually he did you a favor by it being over......just like that. Imagine how much worse and torn you would feel if the affair had carried on for a few more months and years. Read the stories here about how the waffling back and forth almost destroys some of the OW. It ain't a pretty picture!

 

Now you have the chance to get your life and marriage back on track or decide clear headed about if the marriage is what you want or not. Consider it a blessing.

 

BTW.......I suspect that "your friend" was living a little fantasy with you and he got scared when you starting talking about the realities. You need to think about the little fantasy that you were playing with also.

 

You need to prepare for a time down the road when he will contact you again, hoping to suck you back into the affair. He will tell you he missed you and how he got scared......blah, blah, blah and if you aren't careful you will be right back in it and opening yourself up to far worse down the road. I would advise you to do everything you can to block any means that he may contact you in the future.

 

First off, I am sorry you are hurting; hopefully you are finding some support here and a path to healing. I completely agree with the bolded statements above...even though it hurts, this really is a good thing! You have dodged a bullet--just read all of the stories, you don't want to be here years from now lamenting the state of your affair, do you? Now you have the chance to look at your M and work on it. If you decide you want a divorce then you can do it with the clear knowledge it wasn't because of another man--this will help your children. Or you can stay in your marriage and focus on making it work. Either way, you will have a clear head and not become entangled in the mess of an A!

Be good to yourself:)

[jj33]

Sorry you are hurting. Obviously he holds a candle for you in his heart or he would not have reconnected.

 

But that does not translate to sweetheart thank God I found you again I am leaving my wife and want you to leave your husband. I want to marry you and be a family with you.

 

He sounds like a confused guy, who is having problems in his marriage, for whatever reason remembers the past between the 2 of you. You met up, the chemistry is still there and he took a chance and he got a response.

 

But he was being selfish and irresponsible. He must have felt some comfort from the fact that you are married too and also took a chance being with him.

 

Subconsciously he probably seemed like a soft landing for you. Its the perfect happy ending. You are unhappy, an old love comes back, the timing is now right and you walk off together into the sunset and live happily ever after. it makes the thought of ending your marriage much less scary.

 

But its not that simple. He isnt the KISA (knight in shining armor). At best, he is a confused soldier walking around looking for someone to distract him from the problems in his marriage while he figures out where he is going. Equally likely, he is a guy who is having a patchy period in his marriage, saw you, felt something for you and thought (subconsciously) we are both married, it will be a good thing for both of us, no strings go with the flow.

 

As the others said, be happy it ended. Its not going anywhere you want it to go.

[Katharin Clifton]

You should look at it differently, actually he did you a favor by it being over......just like that. Imagine how much worse and torn you would feel if the affair had carried on for a few more months and years. Read the stories here about how the waffling back and forth almost destroys some of the OW. It ain't a pretty picture!

 

BTW.......I suspect that "your friend" was living a little fantasy with you and he got scared when you starting talking about the realities. You need to think about the little fantasy that you were playing with also.

 

 

You need to prepare for a time down the road when he will contact you again, hoping to suck you back into the affair. He will tell you he missed you and how he got scared......blah, blah, blah and if you aren't careful you will be right back in it and opening yourself up to far worse down the road. I would advise you to do everything you can to block any means that he may contact you in the future.

 

Yes, you are right. I am thankful that he has chosen to maintain some distance from me and not trying to suck me back into the affair with more lies. I think he is busy focusing on helping himself get over our break-up and views himself as the victim here because I chose to walk away from it. But seriously, he initiated the entire affair from the start. That night when he kissed me for the first time, I remembered looking at him and saying: Why are you doing this? Why are you setting yourself up to get hurt?

 

Frankly speaking, I do not want to continue the affair either. I just want to be able to talk to him, to know what's on his mind. That's why I want to meet him. And hopefully, end things nicely, if that's even possible. Am I being silly and naive? I still consider him a friend, although i am aware that some people will consider him scum.

 

As for his "little fantasy", I think that despite his successful career (he has reached the pinnacle of his career and is quite influential in his field), his personal life is a lonely one. There is this great disconnect between himself and his wife. When he saw me again after all these years, I guess all the fond memories came rushing back. It must have been a great comfort to him.

 

He did allude to the days when we were 18 and so carefree a few times. Those were happy days for him and he might have been trying to recapture the past subconsciously through me. On my part, I was simply swept away by the force of his passion and apparent "sincerity" of feelings. I poured myself into every kiss that i gave him. That's what's making it so hard for me to forget him - the physical chemistry between us. It was so intense! It is an addiction I have to break.

 

Thanks for the heads up: I never would have thought that he'd try to contact me again. I would never have seen that coming if you had not mentioned it! As far as I am concerned, the affair is well and truly OVER. I certainly don't want to be hit by a curve ball a few months down the road. I am not sure if I will be strong enough to resist him.

 

Thanks so much for your love and advice. You have no idea how much hope and strength you have given me.

[Katharin Clifton]

Yup. Just like that. Why? Because you ruined his plans. His *real* plan was just to get you in the sack. His cover story to get you in the sack was to claim he wanted kids with you, and his marriage was in the crapper.

 

Since you torpedoed his *real* plan by bringing up logistics of your soon-to-be relationship, and realities of both of you divorcing he backed off 100% and dumped you. (Since all he really wanted was sex.)

 

So the man who professes his undying 16-year love for you, and who wants to have kids with you is now too busy to discuss the realities of your future together. Go figure.

 

You dodged a bullet Katharin, thank goodness you had the self-awareness and integrity to walk away from a toxic situation.

 

Best of luck.

 

Gee, you are brutal... but in a funny way . You put a smile on my face. I appreciate your taking the time to advice me.

 

He did not say he wanted kids with me though. What he said was he was happy to accept my 2 kids into his life. But, regardless of what he did or did not say, am I to understand that a guy will say or do whatever it takes to get a girl to sleep with him?

 

Well, in that case, I am really glad I never slept with him. I always knew in my heart that I'd never do that. I can only do that with someone with whom i am in a committed relationship and well, what we had was simply a clandestine affair which I did not like at all.

 

Who wants to be someone's dirty little secret, right? Not me. I want to be that girl in his life whom he can introduce to his friends and family. Not something to be hidden away from the light. My self-esteem will simply not tolerate this sort of treatment.

 

Phew... dodge a bullet I certainly did. I'm glad my affair did not last longer than it did. For that I have to thank my practical and impatient nature. I think he just doesn't want to meet me and talk because as far as he's concerned, it's pointless, since i've already stated that I will never leave my husband for him. I probably busted his ego to smithereens and he's just too preoccupied with licking his wounds to even care about how he has broken my heart.

 

I still do miss him very much and I think about him every day. But being part of this community has given me the will to stay strong in my convictions that he is not someone who will give me the happiness that I seek. Reading your advice has helped to drive home the reminder that I did the right thing by walking away. I just have to stay strong... .

[Katharin Clifton]

First off, I am sorry you are hurting; hopefully you are finding some support here and a path to healing. Be good to yourself:)

 

Thanks! Yes, I am getting a lot of love and support here which is helping me to stay strong. All of you are angels in disguise. Finally, all my months of lonely suffering is slowly coming to an end and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel once again.

[Katharin Clifton]

Sorry you are hurting. Obviously he holds a candle for you in his heart or he would not have reconnected.

 

He sounds like a confused guy, who is having problems in his marriage.

 

But he was being selfish and irresponsible.

 

Subconsciously he probably seemed like a soft landing for you. Its the perfect happy ending. You are unhappy, an old love comes back, the timing is now right and you walk off together into the sunset and live happily ever after. It makes the thought of ending your marriage much less scary.

 

But its not that simple. He isnt the KISA (knight in shining armor). At best, he is a confused soldier walking around looking for someone to distract him from the problems in his marriage while he figures out where he is going. Equally likely, he is a guy who is having a patchy period in his marriage, saw you, felt something for you and thought (subconsciously) we are both married, it will be a good thing for both of us, no strings go with the flow.

 

As the others said, be happy it ended. Its not going anywhere you want it to go.

 

Sigh...

Yes, i did find so much comfort being in his arms. I have always loved it whenever he held me in his big strong arms. Though it was probably just an illusion, he made me feel so safe and loved whenever he held me in his arms.

 

I miss that so much...

[BB07]

Frankly speaking, I do not want to continue the affair either. I just want to be able to talk to him, to know what's on his mind. That's why I want to meet him. And hopefully, end things nicely, if that's even possible. Am I being silly and naive? I still consider him a friend, although i am aware that some people will consider him scum.

 

That's good that you don't want to continue it and I would suggest and I think most other posters here will agree that it's best that you don't talk to him. Think about it, what will it accomplish? There is a chance you will get sucked back in and yes it is being naive to think that you can still consider him a friend. I don't mean that cruelly but the friendship can not go back to what it was before........it's just impossible. If you really want to move past it........then do and don't put yourself back into it in the guise of friendship.

[Katharin Clifton]

After going through what I have, and reading the stories here, I've come to realise that people can be so powerful and successful in their careers and still be so confused and messed up emotionally.

 

I thought that my MM, being who he was, would be someone I could believe and count on. I thought that he would have considered all his options and anticipated various future scenarios before making a move to pursue me.

 

That night after our first kiss, I laid everything out on the table: Look, I'm married... I've got kids... You are married... etc...

 

We talked things out. He assured me he knew what he was doing. I believed him. Then he subsequently back paddles and tells me he has no plan. I was so crushed... and felt so stupid for believing him.

 

Perhaps I was too impatient in expecting him to have a plan after only 24 days into our affair?

 

But I don't see how i could have handled the situation any other way. I was not comfortable with the illicit nature of our relationship and I needed to know where we were heading.

 

Some times, in my weaker moments, I plunge into self-blame and start berating myself for putting so much pressure on him so soon.

 

Do you think i did the right thing?

Edited November 15, 2010 by Katharin Clifton

[fooled once]

What about your husband? The vows and promises you said to him?

 

You've spent way too much time bonding and letting yourself get too emotionally attached to someone who you really don't know anymore. This guy is NO friend, he's a cancer to your marriage and already has manipulated you very easily.

 

You ignored your gut instincts. Why? You refused dinner 3 times!! KNEW something wasn't right. What made you say "yes" the 4th time of him asking?

 

Bottomline is this. This guy had you pegged from the beginning. Not malciously, but selfishly..He knew exactly what to say to you, read you like a book.

 

He wants an affair, sex, no strings attached. If he truly "loved" you, he wouldn't be treating you this way.

 

Time to say goodbye to him, not worry about hurting him (he's a GROWN MAN) and focus on fixing your marriage, reconnecting with your husband again.

 

Four months isn't that long, so don't make this into more than what it is/was.

 

This guy isn't worth your time or effort!

 

Uhmm, this makes no sense. One breath you say you won't leave your husband for him, then the next you say this guy can't give you what you want, a plan for the future?

 

What do YOU want? Divorce and breakup your family unit so you can go be with a guy you don't know anymore? Someone you recently reconnected with ON facebook from your past?

 

If you're having thoughts of leaving and divorcing your husband, do that first reguardless of what this other guy does or doesn't do. But I can tell you now, he isn't going to leave his wife of five years for you! His actions show you this.

 

I agree with both of these posts.

 

I am very confused by a lot of things...this guy wasn't even an old boyfriend.

 

YET, all of a sudden you are wanting plans from him for a future.

 

yet from what you posted, my impression was a Friends with Benefits thing.

 

Things are rocky between you and your H. You have 2 small kids. You want to feel romance and love. You want passion. I believe you are looking in the wrong place. This guy wants sex. You want love. Two totally different things.

 

And what was with his "I am ready for kids" comment. Does he think that he gets to be daddy to your two kids if you leave your marriage. Right or wrong, your kids have a dad. Are you wanting more kids?

 

I am sorry Kath, I just don't see anything "good" with this guy. He is giving you a small bit of attention, but I just don't see a future with him.

 

You do deserve happiness.

 

You do deserve love.

 

You do deserve passion.

 

See if you can find it with your H and if not, move on with life. But IMHO, not with this guy.

[Katharin Clifton]

Thank you for your words of affirmation. I find them very heartening, especially at this dark period of my life.

 

Was it so naive of me to believe the things he said to me that night at the beach? About how he saw his future with me? And how he would love to have my kids in his life? I feel so STUPID I can't stop beating myself up over it. Even now, when I think about how I believed him, I cringe.

 

Basically, I demanded to know what his plans were for us a month into the affair because I wanted to know exactly how serious he was about me. And well, that's when all the back-paddling began. I was devastated. I would not have allowed myself to fall for him if he had not said all those things to me that night at the beach. Given our history, I never thought that he would have lied to me just to get physically close to me.

 

A Friends-With-Benefits thing? Gosh, that never crossed my mind. I never thought that's how he saw me. It makes me so sad.

 

The thing is, right up to the point when he kissed me, he had the impression that all was well in my marriage. I did not divulge anything. In fact when he kissed me and told me how he felt about me, i actually said to him: Why are you doing this? Why are you setting yourself up to get hurt?

 

Also, I don't understand why he would choose me. He's a hot guy and ever so popular with the girls. There are many other girls who would gladly hook up with him. Why of all the women, would he want me? A mother of 2? Does he care so little for me that he would take that risk to mess up my marriage and family?

 

I remain as conflicted and confused as ever...

[YellowShark]

Was it so naive of me to believe the things he said to me that night at the beach? About how he saw his future with me? And how he would love to have my kids in his life? I feel so STUPID I can't stop beating myself up over it. Even now, when I think about how I believed him, I cringe.

 

Now you know the type of person it takes to cheat on their spouse.

 

I wanted to know exactly how serious he was about me. And well, that's when all the back-paddling began.

 

Of course it did.

 

Given our history, I never thought that he would have lied to me just to get physically close to me.

 

He a guy who is cheating. 9 times out of 10 married people who cheat are untrustworthy. So you've learned a great life lesson. People who cheat also have to lie. 9 times out of 10 married people who cheat are lying to their spouse and lying to their AP. Neither party is getting 100% of the truth 100% of the time.

 

Does he care so little for me that he would take that risk to mess up my marriage and family?

 

Sadly yes. When I see a wedding ring I think about the family that is somewhere out there behind it... I think about the bond, love, and trust those people may have... and I just don't want the responsibility being the one who torpedoes it for my sexual gratification, or to fill a hole in my life that I am not dealing with responsibly.

 

But that's just me.

Edited November 16, 2010 by YellowShark

[TiredSue]

The thing is, right up to the point when he kissed me, he had the impression that all was well in my marriage. (

 

No he didn't. He knew that you were willing to chat with him, have dinner with him, listen to him complain about his marriage, accept long, lingering hugs, and meet him on the beach for a romantic picnic. None of that exactly screams "happily married."

[Fieldsofgold]

Ok, I've just read your thread, and I'm going to be the devil's advocate.

 

Obviously, he had an old flame for you, or thought he did. You are in a marriage you were already thinking about leaving. He is unhappily married. You and he had your interactions. Reality dawned on him - "Hey, this woman is married. Has a husband. Children. We've only reconnected for just a very short time. We may have changed a lot over the years. We have spent practically no time together, to be talking about things so serious. Do we really know each other anymore, or are we reacting to an illusion

from the past?"

 

Maybe it dawned on him that you (and he) should not divorce *for* someone else; if you divorce it should be because your marriages are dead.

 

Now, maybe he is stepping back and giving you, (and himself) a chance to see if you (and he) are going to divorce for the right reasons - because your marriage(s) can't be salvaged, not because you have a crush on someone else.

 

Maybe he wants you both to determine the fates of your marriages before you are involved any further with each other. Then, if you do divorce, you can explore the possibilities of a relationship with each other, without undue pressure, obligation, guilt, or the ugly baggage of having left a marriage for another person.

 

At least, that would be the smart thing for you both to do.

[OpenBook]

Was it so naive of me to believe the things he said to me that night at the beach? About how he saw his future with me? And how he would love to have my kids in his life? I feel so STUPID I can't stop beating myself up over it. Even now, when I think about how I believed him, I cringe.

 

Katharin, go back and carefully re-read your OP (opening post; your first post in this thread) - especially where you described, word-for-word, your conversations with him. Notice HOW HE WORDED everything he said to you. He never made any promises or even declarations to you. It was all casting the hook out there and waiting for you to take the bait. You've been constantly guessing what he means ever since. That is the way he wants it. This guy is good. It made the hair on my arms stand straight up, reading it. He is a master manipulator. He's done this many times before. It's a little scary. If I were you, I wouldn't respond to any more of his text messages or other attempts to contact you. Creepy!!!

 

And I'm SO glad you didn't sleep with him! GOOD CALL!!! And an excellent reason to stop beating yourself up over this.

[jennie-jennie]

He a guy who is cheating. 9 times out of 10 married people who cheat are untrustworthy. So you've learned a great life lesson. People who cheat also have to lie. 9 times out of 10 married people who cheat are lying to their spouse and lying to their AP. Neither party is getting 100% of the truth 100% of the time.

 

I would be interested in seeing a study which backs up the statistics you have stated above. I have trouble believing it is anything but your own guesses.

[pureinheart]

Katharin, go back and carefully re-read your OP (opening post; your first post in this thread) - especially where you described, word-for-word, your conversations with him. Notice HOW HE WORDED everything he said to you. He never made any promises or even declarations to you. It was all casting the hook out there and waiting for you to take the bait. You've been constantly guessing what he means ever since. That is the way he wants it. This guy is good. It made the hair on my arms stand straight up, reading it. He is a master manipulator. He's done this many times before. It's a little scary. If I were you, I wouldn't respond to any more of his text messages or other attempts to contact you. Creepy!!!

 

And I'm SO glad you didn't sleep with him! GOOD CALL!!! And an excellent reason to stop beating yourself up over this.

 

This is excellent OB....

[pureinheart]

KC,

 

Our sitches are similar. Same game, different words. ExDM was a master at manipulation and I never felt my questions were ever really answered. He would twist my mind into a pretzel and that is why I only read 3/4 of the way through your post...it was too familiar.

 

The contradictions were evident, except if your in it...then it's easier to distort.

 

Most people do have some sort of a plan, especially if they initiate the things that he did...

 

People like this are masters at keeping people close to them off balance, the reason for this is they can go by "the anything goes" attitude, claiming they never meant anything by whatever, meaning it's hard to pin them down and they know it. The only thing you have after an encounter with him is frustration because they will never admit anything, they will throw the blame on you every time. They will never commit to anything either....with the exception of something that will further them and their agenda...they are usually harmless committments such as meeting places and such.

 

Hey KC, run for the hills girl! ExDM ran hot and cold and never changed...Lord have mercy, I am so glad I was delivered from that hell.

 

I don't hate him and do not regret the experience...unraveling my mind was a bit of a challenge, although what was meant for my destruction was turned for my good:D

 

If all of these responses were not enough for you to stay away from him, please don't sleep with him...you haven't as of yet and I hope you keep it that way...less complicated. I didn't sleep with exDM and it made the break (all of them lol...) easier.

Edited November 17, 2010 by pureinheart

[pureinheart]

After going through what I have, and reading the stories here, I've come to realise that people can be so powerful and successful in their careers and still be so confused and messed up emotionally.

 

I thought that my MM, being who he was, would be someone I could believe and count on. I thought that he would have considered all his options and anticipated various future scenarios before making a move to pursue me.

 

That night after our first kiss, I laid everything out on the table: Look, I'm married... I've got kids... You are married... etc...

 

We talked things out. He assured me he knew what he was doing. I believed him. Then he subsequently back paddles and tells me he has no plan. I was so crushed... and felt so stupid for believing him.

 

Perhaps I was too impatient in expecting him to have a plan after only 24 days into our affair?

 

But I don't see how i could have handled the situation any other way. I was not comfortable with the illicit nature of our relationship and I needed to know where we were heading.

 

Some times, in my weaker moments, I plunge into self-blame and start berating myself for putting so much pressure on him so soon.

 

Do you think i did the right thing?

 

KC *screaming*....he's not confused, he knew EXACTLY what he was doing...you called him on his game (of which you were completely unaware of, and innocently thought he was for real).

 

These guys are masters at keeping others off guard and off balance.

 

ExDM was brilliant, the MacGyver of our industry...he could have gone to the top, but was way too good at his job and lacked the "social graces" for management.

 

Wait a minute...if someone starts romancing me, I lay the cards out on the table, and that's exactly what you did...big deal if they get "scared off"...good riddance.

 

In your sitches the questions you asked and the plans were reasonable IMO...like me when I was younger, after about the third meeting I would communicate various things...such as, I had a hysterectomy very young...so I would let them know I can't have kids incase they wanted kids...this would let them know the facts so they could bail before things got too serious, you know?

 

It's always best to let the other person know where your coming from...it's being real...

 

IMO he is not real.