JaneDoe35 Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I have been separated from my husband since August 2009. We had been together since 1996. One child. I am 35. Difficult time as anyone who has been through separation knows. Didn't think I would survive. I have only recently started going out and socialising. I have been lucky enough to attract some lovely men. But the problem is age. They have all been around 25. Ranging from 22 to 30. They have all been fit, good looking, successful men. Great people. But I have sabotaged any chance of a relationship from the beginning. Can this sort of age difference really work? It has been great for my damaged ego but will it only be damaged further by this age group?
LittleTiger Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I don't think there's any problem with you dating guys in their 20s if all you're after is a bit of fun. However, I do wonder, as a woman in her 30s, what you would find attractive about men in their early to mid 20s -apart from the obvious. Unless they are particularly mature I can't see how they will keep your interest in the long term. I suppose it all depends on what you're looking for in a partner.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 I am not sure. Perhaps it is the fun and energy they offer. I love to dance for hours and hours and they can keep up with me. Sounds quite shallow. Perhaps I am trying to reclaim my 20's? I feel a little bitter about my husband taking those from me. Maybe I am acting out because of months of pain? I want love and I want it now. I am not sure why. Maybe after 15 or so months 'alone' I am just over it. I do tell them that I am not great about intimacy without love and that I hope to find love and possibly have another child. Doesn't seem to scare them off! I really appreciate your response. I need help!
LittleTiger Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 If dating these men at this point in your life is making you feel better then enjoy it. It doesn't sound as though you are really ready for a committed relationship right now so just get out there and have fun. It's all part of the healing process. It seems to me that you're actually looking for validation of your self worth or your attractiveness, rather than 'love'. That's a pretty normal reaction after a separation from a long term partner. If casual sex isn't for you then wait for the right person - when you find him I'm guessing his age won't be an issue.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Thanks LittleTiger, really wise words. So I should just have fun with these lovely men? Or boys?!?!!??? What if there is nobody for me? I am scared. I feel an incredible amount of loneliness just recently. I have incredible family and friends but I still feel lost & alone.
LittleTiger Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Now, the fact that you call them boys speaks volumes! Or was it me that put the thought in your head? Yes, have fun, if it makes you happy. If it stops making you feel good, stop doing it. I completely understand your loneliness. My exH left me over two years ago and I thought my life was over. If you have a quick look through some of my most recent posts you will see that it's anything but. These days I'm probably one of happiest and least lonely people on LS (despite being in a long distance relationship). I would also recommend you posting again on the separation & divorce forum if you still need support. Everybody there knows exactly what you're going through and they are lovely people as I'm sure you already know .....and please, feel free to PM me whenever you like.
Eclypse Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Well I'm 20 so to me someone who's 28 is an old man. I'd say that's mature enough?
LittleTiger Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Well I'm 20 so to me someone who's 28 is an old man. I'd say that's mature enough? I would say it's all relative Eclypse but in a lot of ways it isn't. A 28 year old man may be mature, then again he may not - whether you're looking at it from your age or from mine (45). A woman like Jane, who is 35, may find a man that age mature enough, but it depends on both the individual man and on her own personality and her needs in a relationship. It's the 'age-old' thing of everybody thinking they're grown-up - until they really are - then they look back and realise how young and inexperienced they actually were. My father is 75. When he first met my new partner (who's 45) he called him 'young man'. Of course, by most people's standards, he's middle-aged. Wait until you're 28 before you call a 28 year old an 'old man'.
Eclypse Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Oh I know. It was all in jest! I do get what you mean though. When I look back on myself at 17 I think I know when I get to 30 or 40 I'll look at 20 and think "what the hell was I thinking?"
sanskrit Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 In your dating pool, you will likely meet men who are 20 with the maturity of a 50 y.o. and vice versa. Age is just a number in life, as I have learned in my own dating. 35, despite all the media fear messages directed at women, is just not that old to be single in this day and age. I dated a 38 y.o. woman when I was 28, and a 23 y.o. woman when I was 43, and they were normal experiences in which age did not factor though they did not last for other reasons. So have at it, and try to select people of quality to date no matter their age. Their are many other things to worry about out dating than age alone
LittleTiger Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Oh I know. It was all in jest! I do get what you mean though. When I look back on myself at 17 I think I know when I get to 30 or 40 I'll look at 20 and think "what the hell was I thinking?" Just enjoy being 20 for now.....you'll be my age before you know it.
Banker Chick Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I was 35 when I entered the dating scene again after being married for 13 years. I seemed to attract almost all considerably younger guys because I've always looked younger than my age and I imagine you do too. They were great fun to go dancing and there were one or two that seemed to have the maturity level I liked. However, I had a 13 yr old daughter and the guys at that age inevitably would tell me how they were anxious to get married and have kids and that wasn't exactly what I was looking for. It's one thing to go with the flow and have fun, but I actually found most of these guys weren't in it for the fun, they were starting to look for a long term partner. Now that I'm 42 and not remarried or in a relationship, I'm having a hard time finding guys my age that look and act 42 and not 52. Ugh.
Mellisa Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I am not sure. Perhaps it is the fun and energy they offer. I love to dance for hours and hours and they can keep up with me. Sounds quite shallow. Perhaps I am trying to reclaim my 20's? I feel a little bitter about my husband taking those from me. Maybe I am acting out because of months of pain? I want love and I want it now. I am not sure why. Maybe after 15 or so months 'alone' I am just over it. I do tell them that I am not great about intimacy without love and that I hope to find love and possibly have another child. Doesn't seem to scare them off! I really appreciate your response. I need help! It sounds you want a ego boost,you want the attention and you want to feel young in love again.There is nothing wrong in that when fun is all you look for. But if you want long term love and commitment, those younger guys might not be the best candidates.I know guys that go after cougars since they are curious and think the sex must be good.These are the guys that experiment in there younger years but when there comes a time they want to settle down which is most likely to be in their late 20s or early 30s,they go pick younger girls.Imagin yourself get involved with one of those guys for years, and when you in your late 30s and them in their prime,suddenly they get tired of you and find younger girls more attractive?Even if they dont, you may still constantly worry about younger girls as you grow old.There's just more risk for a woman to date younger guys.
that girl Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I really don't see the big deal about a 4 or 5 year age gap. That person could have gone to school with you, even if they would have been a freshman when you were a senior. Heck, my grandma was 5 years older than my grandpa and it was a complete non-issue But a 21-25 year old when you're 35? That's a big age gap. There's nothing wrong with it, but it is unlikely to be long term with someone so young.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 In your dating pool, you will likely meet men who are 20 with the maturity of a 50 y.o. and vice versa. Age is just a number in life, as I have learned in my own dating. 35, despite all the media fear messages directed at women, is just not that old to be single in this day and age. I dated a 38 y.o. woman when I was 28, and a 23 y.o. woman when I was 43, and they were normal experiences in which age did not factor though they did not last for other reasons. So have at it, and try to select people of quality to date no matter their age. Their are many other things to worry about out dating than age alone I feel too old to be single but I guess that is only because this is the first time I have been single since about 17!!! It appears that men in my age group are married. Will I just have to wait until they all get divorced? It really is the age old question of 'Is age just a number'? Thanks so much for your response.
sanskrit Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 It's a different world out there now, with a high divorce rate, and the men who -must- have a woman 20 years younger you don't want anyway. IMO you will be surprised that at a mere 35 you will have tons of opportunities with all types.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 I was 35 when I entered the dating scene again after being married for 13 years. I seemed to attract almost all considerably younger guys because I've always looked younger than my age and I imagine you do too. They were great fun to go dancing and there were one or two that seemed to have the maturity level I liked. However, I had a 13 yr old daughter and the guys at that age inevitably would tell me how they were anxious to get married and have kids and that wasn't exactly what I was looking for. It's one thing to go with the flow and have fun, but I actually found most of these guys weren't in it for the fun, they were starting to look for a long term partner. Now that I'm 42 and not remarried or in a relationship, I'm having a hard time finding guys my age that look and act 42 and not 52. Ugh. I am in a similar situation that you were in at 35. I have a 10 year old daughter. I am unsure about the having more children thing too. I do look younger than 35......on a good day!!!! My husband was one year younger. As we 'grew' together our interests and energy levels were in sync..... Perhaps I expect too much. Also I must say that I have seen many threads on loveshack about height. My husband was 6'2" - so pretty tall compared to my 5'3". But I honestly have no issue dating someone close to my own height. I just wear lower heels if he is not that tall. It certainly does not affect a man's sex appeal in any way. It is actually really nice to be able to look in someone's eyes without straining my neck.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 It's a different world out there now, with a high divorce rate, and the men who -must- have a woman 20 years younger you don't want anyway. IMO you will be surprised that at a mere 35 you will have tons of opportunities with all types. Thanks sanskrit - you are lovely to encourage me to be more positive. I need to be more open to the possibilities.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 It sounds you want a ego boost,you want the attention and you want to feel young in love again.There is nothing wrong in that when fun is all you look for. But if you want long term love and commitment, those younger guys might not be the best candidates.I know guys that go after cougars since they are curious and think the sex must be good.These are the guys that experiment in there younger years but when there comes a time they want to settle down which is most likely to be in their late 20s or early 30s,they go pick younger girls.Imagin yourself get involved with one of those guys for years, and when you in your late 30s and them in their prime,suddenly they get tired of you and find younger girls more attractive?Even if they dont, you may still constantly worry about younger girls as you grow old.There's just more risk for a woman to date younger guys. This is a definate concern of mine when dating younger. But then again my husband was the same age. I am not unattractive but he left for a 21 year old. Now he regrets it.
112233 Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 This is a definate concern of mine when dating younger. But then again my husband was the same age. I am not unattractive but he left for a 21 year old. Now he regrets it. Why would he regret it?
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Why would he regret it? Well, she didn't turn out to be the person he thought she was. She is very jealous and there are constant drama's. She doesn't cook and is very untidy. She doesn't like our daughter. She was perfect until they moved in together.
112233 Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 She was perfect until they moved in together. Well he probably won't make that mistake next time. Problem solved.
Author JaneDoe35 Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Well he probably won't make that mistake next time. Problem solved. Yes, I did suggest to him that maybe he should date other women to see what was around. And I also advised him that it might be a good idea to live alone for a period of time so he could have his freedom. Anyway that is all done now. I am more concerned about my own dating issues! Blaah.....
bac Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I am not sure. Perhaps it is the fun and energy they offer. I love to dance for hours and hours and they can keep up with me. Sounds quite shallow. Perhaps I am trying to reclaim my 20's? I feel a little bitter about my husband taking those from me. Maybe I am acting out because of months of pain? I want love and I want it now. I am not sure why. Maybe after 15 or so months 'alone' I am just over it. I do tell them that I am not great about intimacy without love and that I hope to find love and possibly have another child. Doesn't seem to scare them off! I really appreciate your response. I need help! Dating a man who is much younger than you is good mostly for sex. You will probably fall in love with him. But, he is probably with you only for sex. In other words, it is much easier to fall in love with young hot guys than with guys around your age or older. But, it is much more difficult to make a younger guy to fall for you. But, men who are older than 35 are very difficult in terms of experiencing love anyway.
kuma Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Yes, I did suggest to him that maybe he should date other women to see what was around. And I also advised him that it might be a good idea to live alone for a period of time so he could have his freedom. Anyway that is all done now. I am more concerned about my own dating issues! Blaah..... Are you sure you're over your ex?
Recommended Posts