AgeOfUninnocence Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Yesterday, one of my best friends found out that her boyfriend of 4 months had sex with another girl. Now, if I was in her situation, that would have been a done deal. I've only known you for four months, and you chose to have sex with someone else? You're getting dumped. However, this is not the case for my friend. She has reconciled in about 12 hours, and is already back to nearly acting like it didn't happen at all, being all lovey dovey with him on facebook again and whatnot. I know it's her life and none of my business, but I just can't believe my friend is being so, in my opinion, stupid about this. She says it's not worth holding a grudge and being angry and yelling at him, because he's not worth that much energy, but I feel like it's just easier for her to ignore it and hold onto him. I really don't want to be the one who has to tell my friend "I told you so" in a couple of months. Apparently though, he feels really bad about what he did and is dead-set on making it work with her. Which just makes me feel really crummy about my situation. Even my best friend can have her guy cheat on her and still beg for forgiveness and try to continue planning out their lives together, but my ex on the other hand still doesn't even show any remorse about letting me go, especially since the girl he left me for dumped him after a few weeks, and he got dumped by his short-lived relationship after that too. I showed nothing but love and kindness to my ex, we never had any cheating problems, and here I am still alone. My friend gets cheated on, and she's still in a relationship that's apparently stronger than ever. I'm so tired of losing.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 So, asides from being disgusted by your friend, do you not deny you're also slightly jealous that her outcome is completely different from yours? Actually, I wouldn't press her luck that her relationship will last any longer than the near future. Eventually the matter of trust will arise. Some people are easy to forgive. Except in your friend's case I think her forgiveness arose out of a moment's weakness.
Author AgeOfUninnocence Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 So, asides from being disgusted by your friend, do you not deny you're also slightly jealous that her outcome is completely different from yours? Actually, I wouldn't press her luck that her relationship will last any longer than the near future. Eventually the matter of trust will arise. Some people are easy to forgive. Except in your friend's case I think her forgiveness arose out of a moment's weakness. Of course not. I'm obviously jealous that despite my friend's boyfriend sticking his junk in some other girl, he still wants to be with her. Whereas my ex and I stayed physically faithful to each other, and when the girl he had a slight crush on decided to dump him, he still didn't think that he'd wasted his time and wanted to come back to me. Plus, I just feel like my friend is staying with him out of desperation. And I know if my ex ever came back, I would make him work for it. I know it's two different situations, two different lives, but I guess I'm just feeling kind of down lately because everyone I know is getting into new relationships, and aside from healing myself, I've had no new romantic developments since the breakup. Sigh.
Sonolumino Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Sorry to insult your friend, but she is incredibly weak. Hers is not a situation to be envied or even thought twice about. You said if this had happened to you you would've dumped his ass, and that's the correct reaction for anyone with any self-respect. Her boyfriend decided to go and have sex with another girl, and he only "feels bad" that he got caught. If he felt so bad and loves your friend so much why cheat? Actions talk, bull**** walks. He is "lucky" because now he gets to have his cake and eat it too, because your friend is lacking the most basic of self-respect to dump him. Some people are just deathly afraid of being alone, because they either have nothing else going on in their lives, or are too immature or stupid to be willing to grow and discover who they are. People like that become co-dependent in relationships and don't think of their long-term well-being at all. It's natural to say, "well if they can survive cheating, how come mine didn't work when he nor I ever cheated?!?". But stop and think, don't rationalize. Do they really have a relationship based on trust anymore? She isn't forgiving him out of the goodness of her heart or because they're soulmates (etc.), she's forgiving him because she is literally too weak to dump him right now. Don't ever envy something like that. You got knocked down, and I'm sure your ex did some significant emotional damage that you're still recovering from, but you need to have much more respect for yourself and your well-being than your friend if you want to get through this and come out better on the other side.
collegeguy_24 Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Let me be blunt and upfront here: Your friend is an idiot. Staying with a guy after he cheated, and they had only been dating for 4 months, smells of desperation and idiocy. Don't start to question yourself over your friends issues, but live your own life separably.
Author AgeOfUninnocence Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Sorry to insult your friend, but she is incredibly weak. Hers is not a situation to be envied or even thought twice about. You said if this had happened to you you would've dumped his ass, and that's the correct reaction for anyone with any self-respect. Her boyfriend decided to go and have sex with another girl, and he only "feels bad" that he got caught. If he felt so bad and loves your friend so much why cheat? Actions talk, bull**** walks. He is "lucky" because now he gets to have his cake and eat it too, because your friend is lacking the most basic of self-respect to dump him. Some people are just deathly afraid of being alone, because they either have nothing else going on in their lives, or are too immature or stupid to be willing to grow and discover who they are. People like that become co-dependent in relationships and don't think of their long-term well-being at all. It's natural to say, "well if they can survive cheating, how come mine didn't work when he nor I ever cheated?!?". But stop and think, don't rationalize. Do they really have a relationship based on trust anymore? She isn't forgiving him out of the goodness of her heart or because they're soulmates (etc.), she's forgiving him because she is literally too weak to dump him right now. Don't ever envy something like that. You got knocked down, and I'm sure your ex did some significant emotional damage that you're still recovering from, but you need to have much more respect for yourself and your well-being than your friend if you want to get through this and come out better on the other side. Thanks, Sonolumnio. I'd say for the most part I'm already on the other side and doing better, but perhaps now because I still haven't had any new guys walking into my life, I'm looking at my friend's situation and being envious at their ability to "survive" cheating. To be fair though, I think her boyfriend actually feels bad because she had no idea about it until he texted her and told her himself. On the other hand, I definitely feel like she's grown to be very co-dependent in this relationship, something I always strove to not be (thanks Mom!). Just for reference, I see as of yesterday they're already back to saying "I love you." I know that it's still not a situation that I should want to be in at all, and I know deep on the inside my friend has always been afraid of him leaving her, but she also once upon a time before they started sleeping together would tell her boyfriend that he was free to go have sex with other girls if he wanted, since she wasn't going to give him any until they were married (whoops, that lasted less than two months). So I feel that maybe she's just prepared to stick it through because she actually does believe they're soulmates, and so does he. They're kind of extremely nauseating to look at their conversations on facebook, luckily I don't really have to anymore because I just deleted him, since no friend who cheats on my best friend is a friend of mine. Uggh. I really don't understand why I'm still so upset that she gets to be with her man, and I don't get to be with any man for the last several months. The choice going on is really just him choosing to have sex with another girl and still promise his girlfriend he loves her and that it was totally a mistake, and my friend choosing to totally ignore this and stay with him, and what kind of a choice is that? And even if they don't, I know that 4 months is way to short of a time to be positive that you're destined to be with someone forever. Now that I've done some therapeutic writing, I think what's going on is that I feel like I always tried to do the smart things in a relationship (i.e. not making long-term future plans because in college that's unrealistic, not cheating, not becoming co-dependent) and yet here I am left for someone else, not even attempted by the ex at giving it another shot when his two subsequent relationships failed, and alone with no romantic prospects.
Sonolumino Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 No problem, but look at the actions. Actions determine who people truly are and what they truly think. Fact is, he cheated, a definite action and a choice. Just because your friend is too co-dependent as you said to dump him doesn't mean this situation should be envied at all. You're lucky that you're not this way, as it would hurt you in every relationship you had in the future. I think you're a bit jealous that she gets to "keep her man" after this and you're left without one in a very unfair situation. Be patient and wait for something real, something worthwhile. Don't sacrifice who you are or your ethics just to not be alone in this difficult time. Your friend has no standards, as was proven by her actions of forgiving her boyfriend's cheating. We can start a full existential debate if you cheat on someone you love, but after 4 months, and he cheated 2 months ago, sorry but he doesn't love her. Actions talk, bull**** walks. In short, don't be envious because you don't want to be alone. Laugh at this ridiculous situation that your friend has put herself in, how embarrassing it is for her and him, and wait for inevitable crash and burn when either he does it again, or it ends for some other reason. Don't idealize here, there is nothing good about this.
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