TomerT Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Dear all, Your opinion very appreciated... How would you react in this situation... You going to the dancing bar with your good looking girlfriend... Your girlfriend is very friendly, easy going, very communicable person... She also likes to feel wanted and admired by other males (she admits it) She spends and dances some time with you, but also talk, flirt and dance (sometimes really sexy) with other male (and female) strangers in the club. One time, I was commented by friend of one of those male strangers: "Look.., your gf all over my friend ! Who are you ? Are you sure she is your gf ?" When I told her, that this bahaviour seems to me a little bit inconsiderable, she says to me, that she is "only having fun", she knows what she do, that I'm controlling her, jelous for no reason and have no reason to be upset ("it's jelousy eating your mind") How would you react ? I do understand that she is free person (even when we are going out together) and she free to do whatever she wants. But, is it acceptable behaviour ? On the one hand it is better than she would do it behind my back (seems to me that there is no trust issues here). On the other had it is a HUGE "opportunity" for her to be "stolen" by some other guy..or even worse to be taken adventage by her naiviity and some times light-mindedness (especially when she drinks) Your input very appreciated.
PegNosePete Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 After behaving like that, she would be my ex. Instant dump.
Author TomerT Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Why ? You not possess anyone ! Also, although she dancing with other guys, eventually she is going home to bed with you !
ducknrun Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 You deal with a lot and you seem to not get in her way, but I think she needs to be more considerate when you’re getting comments like that from other guys in the bar. I feel as though you’re trying to avoid something worse from happening that could kill the relationship. I hope that she would at listen you and not blow it off. I think you need to video tape her at the bar so she could she how she acts... maybe she doesn't realize how "wild" she gets???
Bryanp Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 How do you think she would be feeling if the roles were reversed and you were dancing all over some other girl in front of her? It is a question of respect and maturity. How do you think she would respond if you told her I like to dance sexy and be all over other girls, but it is all right because I am coming home to bed with you?
Author TomerT Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Isn't it true that people who controlling, insecure and clingy eventually also getting dumped ? (by 'also' I mean - people who can not set boundaries) I don't want to control her, be her "dad" and say her what to do...the fact she came with me and leaving with me shouldn't be enough that she wants to be with me ? To be frank, my first instinct was to dump her...Thinking a little bit in depth, I would like to find another solution that she would stop the behavior by her own will, without me pushing her to do so. Dancing and flirting with other girls is not an option for two reasons - (1) I don't feel comfortable to do it; (2) actually she likes (get aroused) seeing me with other girls. So this would not work. Any other creative suggestions ?
wicar1 Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 After behaving like that, she would be my ex. Instant dump. lol.... I agree
PegNosePete Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Why ? You not possess anyone ! Also, although she dancing with other guys, eventually she is going home to bed with you ! So where does this end? It's OK for her to kiss other guys because she comes home with you? It's OK for her to have sex in the toilets with other guys as long as she comes home with you? It's OK for her to go back to other guys places as long as she comes back to yours afterwards? It's OK if she goes on a dirty weekend to Amsterdam with 5 random guys as long as she comes back to you afterwards? I don't want to control her, be her "dad" and say her what to do...the fact she came with me and leaving with me shouldn't be enough that she wants to be with me ? This time, she did come home with you. What about next time? Have you seen Firefly? Here's a quote... Mal: How come you didn't turn on me, Jayne? Jayne: Money wasn't good enough. Mal: What happens when it is? Jayne: Well... that'll be an interesting day. So what happens when she dances with some guy who she wants to bang? I'll tell you what, she'll just "nip to the toilet for 10 minutes" and next morning you'll wake up with gonorrhoea. To be frank, my first instinct was to dump her... Trust your instincts dude. They are seldom wrong. Thinking a little bit in depth, I would like to find another solution that she would stop the behavior by her own will, without me pushing her to do so. She doesn't want to stop this behaviour. If you don't force her then she won't. You've let her get away with it, therefore told her that it is allowed and you're OK with it. Even if you've told her that you're not OK with it (have you??), your actions don't back that up, so she will just carry on doing whatever the f**k she likes. You seriously need to take Mr. T's advice and GET SOME NUTS. Dump this slutty wench immediately.
Chi townD Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 It's not controlling her. It's asking her to respect you AND your relationship. If she can't respect you or the relationship, then it's time to find someone that will.
Author TomerT Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 It's not controlling her. It's asking her to respect you AND your relationship. If she can't respect you or the relationship, then it's time to find someone that will. I do agree, but for the sake of discussion - where is a line between "self-respect" and "controlling" ?...Actually you can justify any controlling behavior with mask of "self-respect"...Isn't it so ? I do not want be her "dad" and tell her what to do. I expect to be with a grown person.
Chi townD Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 If she flirting with strange men in front of you, that's disrespectful. If she's on the dance floor grinding her ass against strange men in front of you, that's disrespectful. if strangers are coming up to you and QUESTIONING if that's your girlfriend because they're having a hard time believing it, that's disrespectful. And she's doing this in front of you! My question is, if she's so bold to do this in front of you, what is she doing when you're not there! How would she feel if you did all of this in front of her? Chances are she'd ditch you. There's no such thing as harmless flirting, someone always gets hurt.
Author TomerT Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 How would she feel if you did all of this in front of her? Chances are she'd ditch you. Actually she told me on some occasions that she likes to see me with other girls and even suggested once to involve a couple into our bedroom. I think this is some kind of "kink" rather than disrespect.
Andy_K Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I do agree, but for the sake of discussion - where is a line between "self-respect" and "controlling" ?...Actually you can justify any controlling behavior with mask of "self-respect"...Isn't it so ? I do not want be her "dad" and tell her what to do. I expect to be with a grown person. Easy. Being controlling is telling her what she can and can't do. Having self respect is not allowing a girlfriend to treat you that way. You don't demand she change. You tell her you're not willing to be with someone who acts in that way, that if she wants to behave that way it is fine, but you want no part of a relationship with that dynamic. You split up with her.
PegNosePete Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Actually she told me on some occasions that she likes to see me with other girls and even suggested once to involve a couple into our bedroom. I think this is some kind of "kink" rather than disrespect. No, I think it's a blatant lie. Haven't you figured out yet, that what a woman says and what she does are two completely different things? If you acted like she does, you would be in so much trouble. And I'm guessing you'd just sit there and apologise. She is totally disrespecting you dude, and you're just sitting there, inviting her to do it more. It doesn't really matter where the line between controlling and self-respect is. She is quite clearly a very long way on the wrong side of that line. You say you don't want to be like her dad, but that is exactly what you are being. You aren't her boyfriend, you're her chaperone. You are looking out for her while she is off with other guys, you are giving her a lift home if she doesn't find someone she likes, you are providing all the safety and security and I bet you're paying for her as well. You are her sugar daddy and her pimp. Come on man, grow some balls and ditch this b!tch.
Shadowpanda Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 Wow! I got the excact same problem with my girlfriend. It's just friggin' hard to break up with someone just because they're flirtatious and a bit disrespectfull. I mean where is the smoking gun? I would say that as long as she is faithfull it's worth working on the relationship if you're generally happy with eachother... The main point in finding a solution to this problem is not to give her any ammo; a "if you dance with girls why can't I dance with guys"-sort of thing... Lead by example and tell her how you feel, not how she should act. If she's a reasonable person she will eventually become more considerate...
PegNosePete Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 a bit disrespectfull This is a good nomination for understatement of the decade This guy's girl is sexy dancing with other guys! The other guys friends are questioning whether he is really her BF or not! This woman is seriously disrespecting him and the entire relationship. TomerT is so far in De Nile he's reached Aswan. If she's a reasonable person she will eventually become more considerate... Yes but I think it's well established in this thread that she is not a reasonable person. The only thing she's going to become more of, is infected!
Author TomerT Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 Thank you all for your valuable insight
Pleco Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 (edited) Wow, I'm so glad I'm not in a relationship with any of you guys! This woman is not out of line, or unreasonable, or a slut (at least not just based on what the OP has told us). However, she does seem incompatible with OP, because what she is doing is making him uncomfortable. IMO, she's not doing anything wrong. But since it makes him uncomfortable, then maybe they are not compatible. Neither is a bad person, neither is wrong. Just incompatible. My boyfriend and I love to dance, go to clubs, listen to live music, etc. with all of our friends. While there, we love to dance with each other because we are good dancers. But I also LOVE to dance with my friends and sometimes friendly or attractive strangers - male and female. It's just fun. It's just dancing. Sometimes we get a little out of hand with it, but it's never a big deal. If I see him with another woman, it truly doesn't bother me at all. I'd hardly bat an eye, except maybe to admire them. And when I dance with other people, he hardly cares no matter how flirty and heated it gets. Because as soon as the song is over, I'm usually making my way back toward him. And I'm always going to come home with him. He is my partner, whether we are across the room from one another, dancing with other people for the moment, or right beside each other. It's a confidence in that bond that makes us comfortable with the things the we do. This is normal for us, but not for others. I realize that. I'm just pointing out that just because someone has a different idea of what's acceptable doesn't mean they are wrong, or unreasonable, or slutty, or whatever else this girl has been called in this thread. Just offering a different perspective. Edited November 17, 2010 by Pleco
Author TomerT Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Pleco, thanks for somewhat "encouraging" answer to my post. My following question is: what is the "line" for you ? I mean if you kiss another guy and "still going to come home with your bf" or have sex in the bar toilet with other guy and "still going to come home with your bf" (or he will do the same with other girl). Where is a line between You told: "Because as soon as the song is over, I'm usually making my way back toward him"...It's like "song" is an excuse to your actions...By the same analogy you can say "When I drunk I can't control myself and it can happen that some guy will take advantage of me, but the moment the alcohol effect is gone, I am under control and making my way back toward my beloved bf'...Where is the line ? why to put yourself in this situation in the first place ?
Pleco Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 Pleco, thanks for somewhat "encouraging" answer to my post. My following question is: what is the "line" for you ? I mean if you kiss another guy and "still going to come home with your bf" or have sex in the bar toilet with other guy and "still going to come home with your bf" (or he will do the same with other girl). Where is a line between You told: "Because as soon as the song is over, I'm usually making my way back toward him"...It's like "song" is an excuse to your actions...By the same analogy you can say "When I drunk I can't control myself and it can happen that some guy will take advantage of me, but the moment the alcohol effect is gone, I am under control and making my way back toward my beloved bf'...Where is the line ? why to put yourself in this situation in the first place ? It doesn't follow that dancing leads to cheating. Also, the song is not an "excuse for my actions" because there is nothing inherently WRONG with my actions, therefore they do not need an excuse. I'm also not putting myself in any dangerous situation. I'm just dancing. No thoughts of sex, or cheating ever cross my mind. The "line" for you and her should be dancing. It shouldn't go pass that. If it does, then NEXT. The point of my post was not to say that just because she is coming home to you at the end of the night, whatever she does in the mean time is ok. In my relationship, we don't see how dancing with someone else disrespects the relationship in any way, shape, or form. Me dancing with another guy does not make me love my boyfriend less. It doesn't make me want to sleep with that guy. It doesn't make me want to date that guy. It's just a dance. Your problem here is that you're thinking that it will lead to something else, or just in general view it as disrespectful. I don't see it that way. If you seriously think that just dancing with a guy will lead your girlfriend down the slippery slope to kissing other guys and having sex in a toilet, yall have got SERIOUS issues that have nothing to do with dancing! But once again, if it makes you uncomfortable, you two are just incompatible in this area. It doesn't make her a slut, nor does it mean she is secretly dreaming of taking her dance partners into the club toilet stall and f*cking them. You thought that up ALL by yourself!
Author TomerT Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Thanks, make sense....In the "perferct world" though...the problem is that as much as I trust my gf - (1) I really don't know what really deeply in her mind (even in denial or unconscious level) and (2) we all human and can make mistake that we will regret later on...My point is, why to put yourself in this kind of situation in the first place ?.. But generally I agree with you, I wish my gf was thinking the same...I can never know...
Pleco Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I don't understand what you mean by "put yourself in this kind of situation." What kind of terrible situation is she putting herself in by dancing with someone else while you are right there with her? What could possibly happen? If she were going to guys houses alone and drinking, I would agree with you. But she's not. She's not putting herself in a situation that anyone with an ounce of self control wouldn't be able to handle. Do you really think that she is gonna run off to the bathroom with her dance partner? If she does want to cheat on you, she will cheat. And it will NOT be because of the dancing.
Author TomerT Posted November 18, 2010 Author Posted November 18, 2010 Yeah, your right....I drifted a little bit in another direction...drinking and then using it as an excuse for her actions...
gisellefromhell Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 I think the issue here is basically about boundaries. If you make it known to her that it makes you feel uncomfortable when she dances the way she does with strangers, and she disregards your feelings, then you don't have to put up with it. It's all about respect for boundaries within the relationship. What is "just fine" with other relationships doesn't have to be fine with yours. And it goes both ways, if she thinks that you're being too uptight, then she can just leave you. A person posted previously that maybe you guys just don't match up well. Have you considered that?
TheLoveAdvisor Posted November 20, 2010 Posted November 20, 2010 Everyone has a wild side, fun side...Dancing is a great way to let lose, but its also a place where a person can connect if they can throw some moves on the floor...Seen it before.... Anyways, this all seems innocent, she is dancing, having fun, letting lose.... Drinking, partying, going to clubs, bars will always create drama, sometime somewhere.... I am married older man, but me and wife go out, have a great time, she drinks, might dance, but she always respects me, knows her boundaries as I do to...But its a learned thing, something you do together.... She wouldnt slow dance with anybody but her dad, she wouldnt grind with anybody, she loves the electric slide... Somethings you only do together, somethings you allow for some negotiation, but its always good to keep reality in mix...To much of one thing is not a great thing! Mix it up, one night hit the clubs, next night go out to eat, or sit at home rent a movie, go to the park....
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