brainygirl Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Ok, so I was seeing this man who was wrong wrong wrong for me. He is funny and smart, but he's also unemployed, a high school drop out (which I found out later) and uses a LOT of alcahol ( and I think other illicti substances like pills too). We saw each other for about six months, but he saw the relationship as a FWB thing, while I wanted a bf/gf relationship. I have to admit that I continued to see him after it became clear that's all he wanted. But I finally stopped seeing him three weeks ago after his having blown me off several times. I didn't email him or call him and tell him I was done, I just stopped calling. I figured he got the hint, or that he felt like I had gotten his, because I didn't hear from him. Until tonight, when he called me and acted like he just wanted to chat. No "where you been" or "Why haven't I heard from you". I let him small talk for a bit and then I told him that I was glad he was doing ok (he says he was in the hospital earlier this week) but that I wasn't sure I was glad to hear from him. I told him that when you have feelings for someone and they only call when they want something (sex, someone to tell them it'll be ok) it hurts. He muttered something like he guessed he shouldn't have called and hung up fast. I know he wasn't right for me. I know that a 30 year old man who ends up in the hospital with liver swelling due to alcohol use is a man with serious problems. I know that continuing to see and sleep with a man who has those problems and treats me like I am disposable unless he's wanting laid is not the relationship I want and not good for me. So why do I feel bad now after thinking I had pretty much gotten over him? And, was I unreasonable?
welikeincrowds Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 "A disappointing thing happened. Why do I feel disappointed?" I believe in you brainygirl
Els Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 No, you certainly weren't unreasonable. You probably feel bad because you developed an emotional attachment to him previously after seeing him for so long and having sex with him. It's normal.
Sabali Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 (edited) I know he wasn't right for me. I know that a 30 year old man who ends up in the hospital with liver swelling due to alcohol use is a man with serious problems. I know that continuing to see and sleep with a man who has those problems and treats me like I am disposable unless he's wanting laid is not the relationship I want and not good for me. So why do I feel bad now after thinking I had pretty much gotten over him? And, was I unreasonable? No. You was not unreasonable at all. Stay strong and be confident in your decision. You are right. A guy that goes into the hospital for alcoholic hepatitis has very serious issue with alcohol dependence. You would expect this in someone a bit older. For someone his age, it suggest that he is doing a hell of a lot of drinking and will be in and out of the hospital for many medical issues. Avoid this man! I would lose all contact with him. You got this far and you can get further! He can potentially screw you up real well. Edited November 14, 2010 by Sabali
Author brainygirl Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 "A disappointing thing happened. Why do I feel disappointed?" I believe in you brainygirl Thanks. Sometimes the whole dating thing feels so hopeless that I wonder if its even worth the drama it brings into my life.
zengirl Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 You entered into something, realized it was wrong for you (but you were already attached), did the healthy, painful-at-present but better-for-longterm-happiness thing you needed to do and feel some natural residual disappointment and loneliness. You're not unreasonable. He isn't right for you. That's perfectly reasonable. Unreasonable would be trying to make him something he isn't.
Author brainygirl Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 The only conclusion must be that you felt that an uneducated, unemployed, alcoholic "user" is the best you could do, but you were wrong. I really don't know what this mean. Are you insulting me? the details about him were revealed to me very slowly over time and by then I had feelings for him that were hard for me to walk away from.
Author brainygirl Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Ok, I get what you'r saying now. I have a tendency to see people in terms of "what could be" or "what they could do" and not in terms of where they are at the moment. The result is I tell myself "well, he has this or that problem, but he's working on it and could do better and isn't a bad person so . . . " And, I'm not perfect, and I would hope that someone would look past my own imperfections to see who I am, I feel like I should be willing to do the same. But there is a difference between not being the prettiest woman in the room and having drug and alcohol issues. There's a difference between being always busy with work and school and quitting a job because unemployment benefits are worth more. I know this. I also know that I am not good at dealing with people and tend to feel like I've been really mean if I have any sort of confrontation that isn't positive, even if I was perfectly justified.
carhill Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Fixers always fall in love with the potential. Thanks to TheMENemy for a cogent explanation of the process. I was a fixer for many years. IMO, based on the OP, you've presented the classic signs. Here's something to think about. When you 'fix' someone with your love, what are you getting out of it? I'll give you a bit of advice that an expensive divorce paid for. Look for a man of equivalent health and psychology and status to yourself. Accept that men will lie and deceive about aspects of themselves which would cause them to be incompatible in such ways. Time and *appropriate* attachment and investment facilitates the revelation of truth. People reveal a lot about themselves. All we need to do is take it in and accept it. You loved. You grieve the loss of who you were when and while you loved. You will love again. It's a renewable resource. Pretty cool
hydorclops Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Based on your many posts that I've read, including this thread, I'd say that you come off as a pretty good person that's had some bad luck. You'll be a good catch and I think you should look forward to things working out the way you want them to.
theBrokenMuse Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I know this. I also know that I am not good at dealing with people and tend to feel like I've been really mean if I have any sort of confrontation that isn't positive, even if I was perfectly justified. Even though I enjoy light banter and debating people on the net I HATE confronting people in real life too. It's uncomfortable and I get ultra aware of how I word things and come across so I know if they get all bent out of shape it's probably not because I stepped over the line in terms of how I approached and handled the situation but all in all, yeah it's a sucky, unpleasant experience.
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