Thinking engagement one day, breaking up next

[jmargel]

It could be. But unless he's willing to goto counciling to even determine if that's the problem, then that's his problem. It's not a very secure relationship when he wants to bail at everytime there is something stressful going on. That'll make you like walking on eggshells. Just praying everyday that nothing stressful or bad happens, otherwise you lose the person you are suppose to be able to lean on in these bad or stressful times. I was there myself. Unless my ex was happy 24/7 I paid the price. I had the ring given back to me so many times, it made my heart numb. I had the world on my shoulders just praying nothing would happen today to make her upset.

 

I became her emotional punching bag. Sounds like you were in the same boat. Sounds to me like you are a 'fixer', yet at what price does trying to fix this really hurt you as an individual? He has to realize the stuff he has been doing and to take steps to correct them if he wants to have a successful and loving relationship with you, or anybody else. But at his age, it sounds like he may never discover this.

[shopgrl]

Gosh jmargel you are a wise man! He's older and he is set in his ways so I don't know if he'll ever realize the things he's done and how to correct them. And if he does realize, I think it may be too late. A part of me thinks that someday he will have a rude awakening.

 

I don't know for sure if he bails at stressful times I was just speculating and just angry yesterday when I typed that post.

 

So he called me yesterday afternoon about the financial paperwork that I was working on for him prior to the break up. (I never did mailed it out- whoops.). He was kind and asked me what he should do and if I could finish the work on the papers.

 

I never really answered him b/c I didn't want to be rude but I just explained the work I had done and said that I've been meaning to mail them to him and I would do so today and he could finish the work. He said he would stop at my work to pick them up and I just didn't even answer. If he does I'm going to give them to one of the ladies at the front desk. I don't know why he called me when he could've handled it via my mother. I was pleasant to him and the conversation was short and to the point. I'm pretty proud of myself for not trying to "talk".

[jmargel]

Glad you stood up for yourself. Don't look too much into why he called you and not your mom. If he wanted to have talked about it, he would. Just keep doing what you are doing, and then you can start the true healing process. It probably hasn't sunk into him yet, but it will.

 

Go out and have fun this weekend, do everything you wanted to do before that you couldn't.

[shopgrl]

I'm guilty of overanyalyzing everything. I guess who knows and who cares why he called me, it makes no difference anymore. I'm glad I stood up for myself too. As stupid as it may sound, I feel as though I'm taking some control back, or at least a sense of myself back. You're probably right, I'm sure everything hasn't sunk into his thick, thick head yet.

 

I will be out having fun this weekend and hopefully all goes well.

 

Hope you guys have a great weekend too.

[shopgrl]

So I went out on Friday night with a few guy and girl friends. Believe it or not, I had a really good time. I didn't run into my ex but I did see one of his friend's girlfriends. She wasn't aware of our break up and I didn't really get into it because that's just not me. She said that her boyfriend saw my ring, yeah, the ring my ex got for me (which I was unaware of) in mid- February! What the f***!

 

Apparentely, my ex went out last night and stopped at a bar where one of my good friends works. Funny, because I was supposed to go there last night. Good thing I didn't. This is a place where I have been hanging out at the past few months on Saturday nights waiting for my friend to get out of work. Anyway, she said that he acted surprised to see her working there, asked her if she knew about us and was trying to get information out of her, which she didn't give. She said that he seemed really, really confused and said that he just didn't know and wasn't sure if this time was going to be forever, meaning our break up. Whatever!

 

Gosh I'm frustrated today. Thanks for reading, I just needed to vent.

[jmargel]

Glad you had a good time. Don't pay attention to what really anyone else has to say. Friends or people you know might word things so that it may give you some hope. They have good intentions, but unless he talks directly to you I wouldn't put much into what others have to say.

 

Also some people outside the situation like the drama. My fiancee & me went out the other week, and a bunch of her ex's friends tried starting crap with us. This one chick who Brandy (my fiancee) doesn't even know said she had a 'right' to stick her nose into the situation because she was friends with him. Needless to say, I put her in her place.

 

People who do this really don't care because it doesn't affect their lives, and it only gives them something to talk about because they don't have lives of their own.

 

Just don't read into too much on where he goes, etc.. Don't get sucked into the head games and the rumors. If he contacts you just tell him that you would like to keep anything that has happened between the two of you to stay that way, and any communication that needs to be done should be done only between the two of you.

[shopgrl]

Thanks for your response jmargel. I agree with you about friends and people in general. Alot of my friends like drama, I know that. But my friend who my ex spoke with is not a "drama person" and she doesn't like to get involved. I know that she'd tell me exactly what he said, good or bad. Who knows though, maybe I'm looking for some hope, I don't know.

 

It's strange because it seems as though it's getting harder and harder as the days go by. A guy friend of mine told me that the longer you go without talking to someone, the easier it gets but it's totally opposite for me.

 

I'm hurting pretty bad today and I cannot quit thinking about him. I know that I have to, can and will continue to move on. I'm trying my hardest to let go because I know that I cannot hold on to something that I'm probably never going to have.

 

It's not that I couldn't live my life without my ex because of course I could, anyone could. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I truly know that he is the one for me. Funny but I'm more sure now than I was when we were together. My love for him feels so deep, it's not that "oh I can't live without him or can't wait to see him love" it's something so different that I can't explain, it's on a much deeper level.

 

Regardless of what happens between him and I, I think that I will always feel this way and I hate that.

[jmargel]

You'll have your good and bad days.. Holidays suck big time when you aren't with the person you are in love with. My ex-fiancee of five years left me for my now ex-best friend of 15 years. I grew up with him and our parents live next door to each other. So I got to see them in front of his house on that first xmas that year without her, which was only three months after our breakup (in september). Then you have birthdays, anniversaries, etc..

 

Its going to take more than just a week to feel better. It could take months, or even years. It took me about 1 1/2 years to fully get over my ex, which I determine by getting over in that I didn't think about her at all for a whole day.

 

The behavior you are showing is totally normal for someone who's been through a breakup. What you have to keep doing though is talking about it. Don't keep it inside. Like I said before, he will call. I'm sure he's going through alot of emotions himself right now. Just hang in there

[shopgrl]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't imagine the pain you felt seeing your ex-fiance with your now ex-bestfriend. That's horrible. When I was in high school my "high school sweetheart" dumped me for my now ex-bestfriend. Low and behold, he came crying back after a few months but I refused to take him back. That was just puppy love though.

 

I'm trying to talk about it as much as I can but I really don't have many people to talk with. I mean, a few good friends but that's about it. Family--- it's pointless, I hide my feelings from them b/c these things are just supposed to disappear. But plus I get the same old "get over him" story.

 

I hate feeling so many emotions and so vulnerable. Oh well. I hope you're right, I hope he calls me.

 

Thanks for being here for me. I don't even know you, yet you've been here for me the most out of anyone. I really, really appreciate it.

[jmargel]

Sure shopgrl, not a problem I'm just some drifter that's wondered onto this site. Most people don't understand the pain you go through so they really can't relate. They aren't living the hurt you are so sometimes people can be ignorant to those things until it happens to them.

 

He will call, but like I said before it may or may not be about getting back together, etc.. Right now you need to start concentrating more on yourself than him. He has his own problems that he needs to sort out, and you need time to heal your wounds. It's a greiving process like I posted earlier on the steps you'll go through.

 

I was through alot of pain, and at first the ex would contact me but she only wanted to be friends. I couldn't do that, knowing what I had with her, and that she was still with him. She ended up marrying him.

 

I then didn't talk to her for about 3 years when one day last summer she came over. She wanted to apologize for all the hurt she put me through. That she felt guilty all these years and she wanted to let me know she had a lot of growing up to do back then. When she left she blamed it all on me, which I thought it was all my fault for months. I became suicidal. Putting everything on my shoulders. The only thing that stopped me was a friend who would listen to me anytime I needed to talk. Love didn't mean much to me back then, but having someone just to talk to did. Over the months of no contact with her I realize how much verbal and emotional abuse she put me through. Constantly threatening to leave if things didn't go her way all the time had me a nervous wreck. It was like walking on eggshells, just hoping she didn't have a bad day or I didn't do something to upset her. I based my self-worth on her, because I loved her so much.

 

What I realized is that over time people change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. I did alot of soul searching and thought about the things I did wrong (which was ignoring her towards the end because that was the only way not to upset her) but more importantly realize that it wasn't all my fault. I really had to think back, and when those thoughts came to me, it hurt. There were so many of them that I now know of, I didn't realize it back then. The hurt still came that day when she came over. When she left, she took my 20 week old german shepherd puppy and sold him on me. When she left I asked about Thunder (that's his name), and she just gave me a sad look saying 'Oh, you don't know? He was hit and killed by a car a couple of years ago'. I'm a huge animal lover and adored that dog. Which is kinda ironic, my ex-best friend, back in '96 his house caught fire. I ran in to find the kitchen in total flames. I couldn't see or breath well but tripped over his rottweiler's water dish. I used that to help stop the flames spreading some until we heard the fire dept. We then searched for his dog. I carried him out and gave him CPR until the paramedics came, but he still didn't make it. I felt so guilty and had nightmares for a few weeks, just remembering walking upto him with tears in my eyes telling him I couldn't save his dog.

 

Anyway, through all of this and the time that went by, I realized alot about myself. I learned never to get too comfortable with someone to the point of taking them for granted. To love them like it's the last day you'll see them. Cherish the time you spend with them because you never know when it may be the last. Your ex is about to lose one of life's most precious gifts. But that decision is upto him. Whether he realizes it before it's too late, only time will tell..

 

In the meantime feel free to post here as long as you like. There are quite a few other members that could probably tell you the hurt they've been through. One thing you aren't right now, is alone

[shopgrl]

jmargel-- Wow, I can't believe your ex came over and apologized after 3 years! I'd have to commend her for that. She must have been feeling pretty, pretty guilty.

 

I came across this site last year when my ex and I first broke up and it helped me a lot, especially when members told me to cut the contact. Since then, I've read a lot of other members' stories and found that most are hurting just as bad, if not more, than I am. Most of the posts bring tears to my eyes b/c it saddens me to see others hurting.

 

I'm not counting on my ex calling me, especially to get back together, because I know he's such a stubborn ass. I'm trying my hardest to concentrate on myself but it's so unbelievably difficult when he's constantly on my mind. I wonder... is this easy for him???

 

I'm guessing that I'll probably run into him on St. Patrick's Day b/c there's not too many bars to go to around here. I want to see him. Not to profess my undying love but just to see him and show him (or at least fake) that I'm ok and moving on. I can't even believe that I still love this man..... a man who told me that he doesn't know if he wants to marry me. I'm so pathetic.

[shopgrl]

I'm stupid, very, very stupid. So, yesterday, being St. Pat's Day and all, my friend and I went out after work and had a little too much to drink. I never drink so even a little is a lot for me. My friend ends up wasted and leaves. I should've gone home at that point but it was only 8:00pm and I wanted to stay out. So I ran into a friend of my ex's whom I've known for quite some time. He's married, kid, the whole nine yards so it's nothing like that.

 

Anyway, he brings up my ex and I became obviously upset, you know how it is with drinking and all. So he said, lets go for a ride and talk about it. Thinking nothing of it, I went because I was very upset at that point and needed to get out of there. Obviously, the topic of our conversation was my ex and I ended up shedding some tears. Despite my tears, I did say I was done with him and moving on. He told me that my ex still loves me, wants to be with me but was jealous of me because I'm successful and attractive (WTF, does that make any sense?).

 

So we return to the bar and guess who is there, no one other than the ex. We end up talking (stupid, I know). He was pissed because I was hanging out with his friend and told me that it was weird. I understood that he thought it was weird, but come on now. I explained that we just talked about him. Thinking back, I did not owe him any sort of explanation. He ended up leaving the bar and I stayed.

 

Later in the night, I went to another bar looking for my cousin to get a ride home. Who was there---- the ex. He said hello, I said hello and asked him if he saw my cousin. He and I exchanged some words and he kept telling me that I make him feel unfortable being around because this break up is hard for him. I told him that it's hard for me too but we're going to run into one another every now and then. He told me that I don't care how he feels and only care about my feelings. On my way out of the bar, I saw him and said bye, he said bye and gave me a friendly hug. I must have said something about he and I talking and he said we've been drinking all day, now is not the time or place, look what your doing to me. I was f'en pissed and said you'll regret it and he said you will, look what you're doing to us. I just turned and walked away and left (The only smart thing I did all night).

 

I feel so f'en stupid today, so stupid. What I did last night was so unlike me. I guess I had a break down. I wish I would've never talked with his friend, I wish I would've never talked with him or even saw him for that matter. I was having a good time before all this.

 

I've been beating myself up all night over everything that happened.

[jmargel]

Don't beat yourself up over it, just take a step back and see what he is doing. He's playing head games and being very selfish. He's too immature to even acknowledge that any of this is his fault. His stubborness and his lack of commitment towards you is what caused this.

 

If you were to go back with him I can guarantee it wouldn't last. Not until he wakes up and realizes what he's done. And it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. The only way he could get to this point is by going to counciling. Like I said before don't let his friends try to nose in. Its none of their business.

 

If your ex tries to approach you next time tell him he needs to mature and there is a reason why you aren't going back with him. Tell him he should really think about what that reason is and then just leave.

[shopgrl]

Thanks for your response jmargel. Speaking of head games.....to complicate things even more, my ex called me this morning to apologize about the way he acted last night. He said that he was out looking around for me and wanted to see me but just didn't want to get into it like we did. He said he wanted to see me to see how I was doing and so fourth. He told me how pretty I looked last night and he was glad to see me.

 

We ended up talking for about an hour about different things. I never brought up "us" and just responded to his "us" related comments. One thing I did tell him though is that we are over, I've accepted that, and now we both have to move on and find someone else. He said that he doesn't want a girlfriend. I continued with the attitude that I was fine with the break-up, all is well in my life and I was moving on.

 

I know I shouldn't have talked to him for so long but I guess I'm still a little weak. He said that he still wanted to be friends, meaning friendly with one another and I told him that I've always wanted that. It's funny though because he was very down on himself.

 

He told me that he's been depressed since we broke up and he was saying how he's old, fat and basically undesirable. He said the break up is difficult for him whether or not it was the right decision. He said that his self confidence is low which may be b/c of our failed relationship. Yet, he was almost putting me up on a pedestal, saying that I was beautiful, smart, sucessful and financially well off. He said I'd probably start dating someone right away and if I were happy then he'd be happy--- I'd have to call that Bull****! I told him that I do a pretty good job healing up after a relationships and only time will tell.

 

He never said anything about reconcilliation and neither did I. Like I said, I stuck with the attitude that I'm already gone. He confuses me. Is there reason for me to be confused?

 

Oh yeah, and he asked me if I went to see the condo he just bought. He almost died when I told him that I didn't and asked him why I would. I told him that I haven't really cared to see it but maybe someday I would.

 

As for the maturity thing-- you're right, he needs to grow up and I told him that on the phone. He was saying how scared he is about buying this condo and I told him that there's nothing to be scared of, (obviously, he's scared of everything). I told him that I thought it was a great idea for him to buy it because he needs to grow up and get with reality. I was very kind when I said it but I think he knows what I meant.

 

As for friends, we talked about that too. Both he and I have been hearing "he said, she said" things from our friends. I told him I was sick of it and if he or I need to say something to one another we should do just that to avoid this crap. He agreed.

 

He went on to say how my friends must be happy I'm single and my friends and I will probably going to go out partying this summer and I should b/c I'm young. Bologna!!

 

The way the conversation played out this time is very similar to the way it played out last time we broke up. I mean he basically said the same things to me.

 

The conversation finally ended and he asked if we were cool. Of course I said yes and he said well I'll probably see you out and about sometime. Then we said bye.

 

I don't know jmargel. What do you think?

 

By the way, I have to give you credit............. he did call.

 

Sorry this turned into a novel!

[jmargel]

He told me that he's been depressed since we broke up and he was saying how he's old, fat and basically undesirable. He said the break up is difficult for him whether or not it was the right decision. He said that his self confidence is low which may be b/c of our failed relationship. Yet, he was almost putting me up on a pedestal, saying that I was beautiful, smart, sucessful and financially well off. He said I'd probably start dating someone right away and if I were happy then he'd be happy--- I'd have to call that Bull****! I told him that I do a pretty good job healing up after a relationships and only time will tell.

 

Trying to make you feel guilty. He still doesnt see it as his fault.

 

He never said anything about reconcilliation and neither did I. Like I said, I stuck with the attitude that I'm already gone. He confuses me. Is there reason for me to be confused?

 

Nothing to be confused about. He thinks he's right, which he's not. Also this is good closure for you.

 

He went on to say how my friends must be happy I'm single and my friends and I will probably going to go out partying this summer and I should b/c I'm young. Bologna!!

 

Reverse psychology. If he were to tell you 'No you can't go out and have fun' he knows you'll get very upset and have just that much better of a time. Once he sees you enjoying your time with someone else, let's see how he acts then, shall we?

 

The way the conversation played out this time is very similar to the way it played out last time we broke up. I mean he basically said the same things to me.

 

The conversation finally ended and he asked if we were cool. Of course I said yes and he said well I'll probably see you out and about sometime. Then we said bye.

 

He got you back once before so why not use the same tactics? Also the last part of this statement, he's still counting on having contact with you and continue to play his head games on you. If you really want to get over him, get your closure and break all ties from him.

[shopgrl]

I really DO want to get over this guy regardless of what the future holds for "us". I say this because no one is certain of what their future holds. I DO NOT intend on there being an "us" in the future but who knows. Either way, I want to be passed these feelings because I will never allow him or any other guy to have such a hold on me again.

 

My heart is finally beginning to close to him, if you know what I mean. I am moving on, definitely. If a guy should ask me out on a date, I'm going. I'm not going to worry about what he will think or how he will feel. I'm going to protect myself, not him.

 

I saw him yesterday afternoon by accident on both parts. I was with my parents going to visit a relative in the hospital and my mom had to unlock the door to his new condo to let an inspector in. Anyway, freaky thing--- he was doing a drive by to show his mother the condo and saw my mom's car there and stopped by. We were actually still in the car but there's no way he could've seen me before he got out of his car. He wouldn't have had any clue that we were there.

 

It was weird, I mean being there with his mother and my parents. But we all knew it wasn't on purpose and I think I handled the situation very well. I didn't speak with him unless he spoke to me. I appeared happy, in a hurry, yet pleasant to both him and his mother. He kept asking me for my opinion and showing me different things around the place. Nothing about us ever came up and we were only there for like 15 minutes. Weird, very weird, yet comfortable.

 

I can't remember if I wrote this before but it actually eases my mind to have heard him say that he's depressed and hurting. I think that's why I always want to appear very happy to him.

 

jmargel, don't think I'm crazy but, wait, how should I explain this...... I've accepted that he and I are over and I'm ok with that. Seriously, I am. My heart is still achy but like I said, I'm moving on. The strange thing is that deep in my heart, my mind wherever, I know that everything is going to be ok with us. I have this sense of comfort that he and I will be happily together again. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. Maybe I'm misinterpreting what is really telling me. Maybe it's not saying he and I will be happy again but just that I will be happy again. Gee, this feeling is so certain though. Does that make sense to you? Gosh, maybe I am crazy.

[jmargel]

I've accepted that he and I are over and I'm ok with that. Seriously, I am. My heart is still achy but like I said, I'm moving on. The strange thing is that deep in my heart, my mind wherever, I know that everything is going to be ok with us. I have this sense of comfort that he and I will be happily together again.

 

Read that and tell me if those two statements don't conflict with one another. Sometimes the mind will do things like this to help with the pain of losing someone. Thinking sometime down the road you two might get together again. If this helps you cope then fine. As long as you don't prohibit yourself from meeting new people. Also keeping the contact limited with him is probably for the best. He's not going to really know its over until you have found someone else. Then you'll get the groveling from him, the I'm sorry and I'll change routine.

 

Go out and have fun this weekend. If you run into him it's probably best to just tell him that you would rather keep contact very limited. Last thing you want to take a step back, which he is waiting for you to do.

[shopgrl]

I know, I know... they were conflicting sentences. I don't know what's going on in my head, maybe it is a healing mechanism. I think sometimes I get carried away thinking I have ESP!!!

 

I guess you hit the nail on the head.... I am not going to let it prohibit me from meeting new people. I'm single now and I have to remember that. I'm so used to being someone's "girl" so it's hard to be, I guess.... just me.

 

This is his weekend to work the 8pm-4am shift so I know I won't see him out which is probably a good thing.

 

No way am I taking a step back for him. If anything, he has to be the one to take a step forward for me.

 

Thanks for your input. Have a great weekend!

[jmargel]

No way am I taking a step back for him. If anything, he has to be the one to take a step forward for me.

 

Remember that.. Keep repeating that to yourself when you feel down and you'll be ok

[shopgrl]

jmargel--- I am trying to tell myself that over and over, it helped for awhile but..... Today has been a very difficult day for me, the worst yet I think. I miss him so much and want to talk to him but I know I can't and I guess that's why I'm here typing. There's some evil voice in me telling me to call him and it won't go away!!!!!!! But I'm not going to call, no way. I wish he'd call.

 

This weekend I saw a mutual friend out and apparently he had been helping my ex look for a ring for me about 1 1/2 months ago. This friend has been out of town so he wasn't aware of our break-up and said the usual "you guys will work it out". I didn't get into the reasons my ex and I broke up (per your advise) and just said that I'm done and moving on, no more second chances. It makes it ten times worse hearing stuff from (mutual) friends. I know I shouldn't pay attention but I can't help it. You know what I mean?

 

Today really really really sucks! I don't know why I just typed all that junk, I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

[Ms. E]

We are going through very similar situations.

 

But one question that I have, my ex fiancee is being mean to me. Every time I come around, he blames me for the break-up/separation, raises his voice with me.....he just blames me for everything. One minute, he is some what civil, but then the next he is raising his voice again, and I guess you can say, preaching to me. Telling me how it is instead of asking me (I think that is a good way to explain it.) We have been together 7 years. We were to be married May 15th, this year. The wedding has been totally cancelled. All the vendors have been called off. We did live together, we had a new house built 3 years ago. But we moved in together 6 months after our relationship. We started with nothing, and now we have everything we need plus a couple luxuries, because we have earned it all by ourselves. Together! I moved out last Tuesday. This is the first time that I have ever been on my own.

 

But anyway, I am trying to reconcile with him, but he is just keeps pushing me away. He can you be ready to marry someone one day, and be totally done with them the next.

[shopgrl]

Ms. E-- That is the question that has been running through my head since the day my ex and I called it quits-- "How can you be ready to marry someone one day and be totally done with them the next?" Do you think it's cold feet or what?

 

I'm really glad that you found my post because for awhile there I thought I was the only one in this situaton. I totally understand what youre going through, it sucks.

 

You wrote that you're trying to reconcile with your ex--- what are you doing and how is he pushing you away?

 

I refuse to try to reconcile with my ex. The next move is his. Right now I'm concentrating on myself and my life, not his. I'm trying my best to move on. Each day is a struggle but I guess that's normal. The way I look at it is if he and I are meant to be together, he'll be back, and if not then that just means there's someone better out there for me. Who knows, only time will tell.

[toots307]

Just a suggestion - I have been reading some info about committment phobics (on another website) and a lot of the posters there recommend a book called 'Men Who Can't Love' by Steven Carter. I have the book but have not had a chance to read it but it is written by a guy who has gone through 10 yrs of therapy to deal with his committment phobia. The website is riddled with people suffering heartbreaks because of people who can't commit. It's really quite sad.

 

The one thing that seemed to keep coming up was that the people that were able to move on and get away from their committment phobic mate are so glad they did - they urge others to do what it takes to move on.

 

Keep in mind, you are 25 - you have sooooo much time (God willing) to find the person that's right for you. I have read the book 'Are you the one for me' by Barbara DeAngelis and I highly recommend reading it - it helped me to learn alot about me.

 

Whatever you do, be good to yourself and don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

[Ms. E]

Well, I just moved out of OUR house last Tuesday. I have made my new home free of memories, besides I did bring him over to my new appartment. Which is fine, so now when he is ready to reconcile, he will know where I am at. I also made the mistake of calling him, and now he knows my phone number. But that is fine, becuase he has not yet tried to contact me besides once. He told me he had too many coffee cups, he wanted me to come and get some of them sometime soon, because I was at work, and I got the message around 11:00 at night. I called anyway, and he made the comment that he did not want me coming over right then and there because it was too late.

 

I have been over there to see him several times. Friday he came over to my appt. He did end up spending the night, bad mistake, because we did make love. He was very cooperative before we made love. We even made the agreement that we were going to go to dinner tonight, because I was off work. We were starting to figure out what we were going to do to straighten out or problems. Even after we made love we held each other tight, and fell asleep. He had to be up at 5:30 and by that time it was 3:30. It reminded me of when we met 7 years ago. We didn't worry about how much sleep we got, as long as we had each other, and we always had great conversations.

 

Like I said, he had to work that night, he mentioned that he did not have a vacuum because I did take it. His family was coming down on Sunday, so I took the vacuum over to help straighten up a bit on Saturday. As soon as he answered the door, I could tell that he did not want me thier. He seen that I had the vacuum, he said he didn't need it because he is going to buy another one. He offered me something to eat and something to drink. I told him no, and turned around to leave and he shut the door. I knocked again and asked him if I could come in. He did let me in, offering me something to eat and drink again. Of course I told him no again. I sat down on the couch. I sat there probably 3 or 4 minutes then he asked me what I wanted/why was I there. He was trying to sleep. I realized that he did not want me there, but I wanted to be there so bad. We started talking again about what we were going to do when I moved back in, but he was in a totally different state of mind now. He told me that we shold has done what we did the night before. I asked him why, he said it wasn't right. Anyway, everything that we had come to an aggreement on the night before, he was totally disagreeing. Somethings remainded the same, but very few. One of our problems was money. I told him, "I don't care if I marry Bill Gates, I will never combine my finances with anyone again". And that is the truth. So I left. I did not talk to him until I had a breakdown early Monday morning, about 1:30 in the morning. I called him and of course he was upset at me calling because he was trying to sleep. I did keep calling until he turned the ringer off. I left him a big sobbing message. Then yesturday, I kept taxt messaging him. Telling him how much I missed him, and explaining to him how much I need him, and how much I love hime, and how I want to move back in with him and hold him at night when we go to bed. Of course, no response. I had to work last night. After work, we all went out and had some drinks. I had a few to many, I left the restaurant and went to see him. This was around 1:00 in the morning. He did open the door and let me in. He was griping asking why I was there, saying I am trying to sleep and your not keeping me up again tonight. Go home, is all he kept saying. I asked if he got my messages, he said no, but I did look at his phone and he had gotten them. I put my arm around him, and he shoved me away. I asked him if we were still going to go to dinner, he said NO!! I laid there, he tossed and turned. Never to once touch me like he use too. After I laid there and sobbered up a bit, I realized, that everytime that I came over or spoke to him. He was always being mean to me. Even before I moved out, he gave me the cold sholder and made mean comments. Not saying I was innocent, because I said things in return directed towards him.

 

I have been reading a lot of peoples stories, and a lot of people have given me thier advice. I am now starting to pull away. As of around, 2:00 today. I am trying to make a difference in our relationship, because I was the last straw, before it all toppled over. (Will explain later.) I have done all that I can. I have come to peace with myself, and there is nothing left that I can do, besides keep pestering him, and that will eventually drive him away. So now, I am going to leave him alone. Like I said he knows where I am, and he knows my phone number. When, and if, he wants to make it work, I have made the effort to prove to him that I do what to reconcile, he will come forward when he is ready, and he has excepted himself, if he ever does.

 

I now understand that we were not ready to be married. Which our wedding date is less than 2 months away. May 15th. After doing a lot of research, and talking to a lot of people. We still has a lot of problems that we were not aware about. The last straw was, he went to buy a truck, I co-signed for him, he happen to see my credit report, after I told the sales guy not to let him see (privacy act law) (not only did he show my ex my credit report, the sales guy also told him that I told him not to show him....make sense?) Anyway, I am really glad to get this all out in the open. I have a $4,200 debit, on 10 different credit cards. He is very money oriented. Very funny about our (or should I say his, because he says that since he makes more money then me, that he is entitled to spend more of it, in a round about way.) Then he has issues about my 7 year old son that lives with my parents, because I had him when I was 16, I had to finish highschool. When I moved out with my ex, we had absolutely nothing. I mean nothing. All we had was the clothes on our back. We lived in a cheap/run down hotel for about 4 months. It was absolutely terrible. Well, then within those four months, my parents moved to Alabama. It was a very sudden, unexpected move. (Has to do with my son's father.) Anyway, by the time we were financially stable, he was 5 years old. I did bring him up to live with us, but he was very unhappy. My parents are retired, so he was free. My ex and I both worked 1st shift, so we had to put him in daycare. He hated it. He was miserable, and so were my parents. My mother cut the cord in the delivery room. He is my parents everything. So since he wanted to go back with my parents to Alabama to live, I respected him, and understood where he was coming from so, even at 5 years old, I let him go back. He is SO happy down there. You can look at him, here verses there and see a totally different child. He is happy. I do see him on a regular basis, and we have talked about him living with us. He slips up sometimes, and calls my ex daddy. Of course, he is excellent with him. At our house, he had his own room, his own bed, and toys. That is his house too. My son knows that when he is ready to come live with us/me, that the door is open. I miss him everyday, and it breaks my heart to hear that little voice on the phone tell me, "I Love You Mommy!" My heart has never felt the same since I moved out of my parents house, and he is the reason why. But anyway...........that is the reason why he stays with my parents. Not with us. My ex feels as though, I am going to give up our child/children like I did mine, as he would put it. I am 24 and my ex is 27. It is a bit different now. We have/had a mortgage, good stable jobs and what I thought was a good realtionship.

 

The $4,200 debt that he was unaware of was and is a big issue. Plus, we are not totally honest with each other, which now that I am out on my own, I see that. We communicated great at first, but where he has issues with me spending any kind of money, I did go behind his back and get the credit cards. Which I was paying for them from a hidden savings account, which was suppose to be for emergencies like this; being out on my own. But I chose to use it to pay for a part of our wedding, and then I was paying the minimum payment on my credit cards. That is all I could afford until after the wedding.

 

Another issue that we had was that he like to run with his buddies all the time. He never made time to come home and see me. And when he was home, all he did was sleep, so then I would keep him up which would piss him off even worse. So then we fought about stupid stuff. Pretty much just to have what then we called a conversation, which now I see that.

 

I had to wait a week and a half to get into my apartment. Which I had to stay in my house, so he would either stay out all night until around midnight to avaoid me, which would just make me sit and wonder were he was all night long. Or he would stay home, and sit on the couch and ignore me, or pick a fight. He would call me, "Ms. Plastic"! Oh, I forgot to say, that after he seen my credit report, that is when he called me at work and broke off the wedding.

 

Now that I have been out by myself, I have realized that our communication was terrible. That is one thing that I am trying to improve on. Evn the little white lies that you think is OK at the momnet. I promise to myself, that will do my best not to lie to my partner again. Whom ever that me turn out to be. Also, I am going to make it a point for the rest of my life, to always watch what I say. Even though you may say something when your mad, and apologize later. It was still a thought, that was brought out into the open, and your partner/whom ever you said it to, heard it and absorbed it.

 

I feel that I have already learned a lot out of this situation, but I also know that Istill have a lot to learn. I have come to peace with myself.

 

I do love him, I will always love him. He is my best friend, and I will always consider him part of my family. He means the world to me. And even of he decides to move on to someone else, I have learned a lot from him and have experienced a lot of hurtles through our relationship. At first I could never see us as just friends. But now I can. We became friends before our relationship began.

 

If nothing else, I have learned what I want in a relationship, and how to treat someone. And I think, my next relationship will benefit from this one.

 

Sorry to ramble on, but 7 years is a long time. And we have been through a lot......together!!

[jmargel]

Ms. E, I don't want to sound harsh but I am going to put this bluntly. Your ex no longer wants anything to do with you. When he said it was a 'mistake' that you two slept together, that just shows that he felt guilty for using you for sex. Sounds like he doesn't love you anymore, even though I know that hurts. You need to pull away from him and start the five stages of grief that I mentioned about earlier in this thread.

 

What you were doing to him was harassment. Your instinct is to try to grab onto what you are losing, but as long as you do that you are pushing him away. It could be he already has somebody else. And even if he does, no matter what you do it's not going to change the situation.

 

As long as he knows you still want him he's not going to bother with you, or just use you. He might regain some interest once he knows you are truly happy in life (usually with someone else) but all that amounts to is jealousy. Not love.

 

Stop calling, stop text messaging and stop coming over to his place, even if he wants you to. The relationship is now in a power struggle mode, and it's not about to work. I was in a long term relationship and engaged before. One of the things that I learned was that people change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. This doesn't sound like he is a commitment phobe, just that there were too many issues between you two. You two got into a rut you couldn't get out of. You didn't communicate well at all! He probably took you for granted as well.

 

Anyway, it is time to move on. The right one out there for you is waiting.