Thinking engagement one day, breaking up next

[shopgrl]

So this is rather strange....... My boyfriend and I broke up last night... that's not the strange part though.... Rewind two months...he told my sister he was going to get me a ring in Feb or March, he was out looking for one, I mean the whole nine yards. I was happy, excited, yet a little scared for the big the step b/c I was questioning him, me and us. I just figured it was "cold feet" so to say, because I truly do love him.

 

So within this one month period, a house was up for sale that we put in offer in on. (we are both still living at home and he really wants to get out on his own again.) Not the smartest thing to do, however, we figured if we put our money together, we'd have a nice size down payment and lower monthly payments. Note, I wasn't going to move in with him until later in the engagement. There was a good chance that we were going to get the house and this is when I started to feel really indifferent about things but it was due to the way he was acting.

Our offer got refused and that was that.

 

I still had a funny feeling though cause he hadn't given me a ring. So last night, on our way to dinner, I don't know why but I just decided to talk to him about the house, marriage and so fourth just to see where we stood. Mind you, we've been over all this stuff plenty of times and we've always been on the same page.

 

So he tells me that he was thinking about getting me a ring but now reality has hit him with the house and all and he is not certain that he is ready for a commitment and doesn't know when he will be ready!! Hello... we've been together for 3 years, he's 34 years old, I'm 25 and he's even told my own mother that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and get married within the next year or two! I don't get it. He said that if it was up to him we'd continue dating for awhile and see what happens. I have to give him credit though because he did say that he knew it wasn't fair to me b/c I want a committment in the next few years and he cannot guarantee that. At this point I was just so frustrated. We talked things through and decided to go out separate ways. We didn't end up going to dinner, he just took me home and when we got closer to my house he said," I think we may have made the wrong decision". I just kinda blew it off and didn't respond. So then we said goodbye, I didn't hug him, kiss him or anything, just plain old goodbye. I could see the pain on his face and he probably could see my pain too.

 

I don't know how I feel right now. I'm confused, yet, I think deep down, I've sensed this coming for quite some time. I love him to death but if he won't commit, what am I supposed to do? It's crazy though because despite how much I love him and miss him, I don't think I want him back, I'm just so so scared of moving on. Is it really difficult to get back into the dating scene and adjust to being single?

[jmargel]

He's 34 and living with his parents? Why? Did he have a divorce? Three years is quite awhile to not living together, considering the ages you are. Don't contact him, he's the one who made the decision. You are still quite young and probably have alot to offer. Meanwhile at his age his options are getting quite slim. There is also the age difference as well. Could be alot of the stuff you haven't experienced yet, he has.

 

Start doing things that make you happy, don't live your life for anyone else but yourself.

[shopgrl]

Thanks for your response jmargel. The reason he lives at home is because he switched jobs and took a major pay cut last year. We thought it was a good idea for him to move home for one year to get back on his feet and figured by that time, we'd be ready to take the next step, meaning getting engaged and buying our own place.

As far as he and I living together, I wouldn't live with him unless we were engaged. My family is pretty strict and doesn't approve of it. For the past few years he and I have been trying to save money for "us".

I'm not going to contact him and your absolutely right, basically, he did make the decision, not me.

My mother has told me since day one that he would never committ. I guess mothers can sense these things. I wish I would've listened to her way back when.

He and I both know his options are quite slim, especially since he wouldn't date anyone with kids or anyone who's been through a divorce. But honestly, I don't think it'd bother him to be alone the rest of his life. I think it all boils down to him being afraid of committment. I don't understand, why are some guys so afraid???

Thanks for your words, they were very uplifting.

[jmargel]

You're welcome shopgrl.

 

I'd say he's expecting the impossible, with him being 34 and won't date anyone who's not been divorced or has kids. If he's not willing to commit, that could be just his lifestyle. Do you think he's cheated on you in the past? DId you two actually spend quality time together?

 

I have a friend who has this beautiful gf, who would do anything for him. This chick is gorgeous as well. They've been together for 3 years, and he still lives with his parents, not looking at any sort of future with her. I've talked to him quite a few times about marriage and he would laugh. Saying 'My racing and my pool shooting comes first and if she doesnt like it, she can leave'. Well guess what, she will leave one day & he'll once again try coming to me to cry about what went wrong.

 

Some guys just don't have their priorities straight. They are the selfish ones, who only think of themselves. The women who do actually get them to commit, is a commitment only on paper. They'll still continue to do the same things they've done before which includes putting their mate down on their priority list. One day he'll wake up and realize all of the chances he's blown with you. Don't live your life trying to 'help' him, or make him see a certain 'point'. Because by this time in his life he shouldve come to his senses.

 

Your best way of making a point is to start enjoying life yourself. Show him how much he has lost, and that you aren't going to sit around feeling sorry for yourself or him. He's probably expecting you to come to him crying. He's comfortable with what he has, which isn't enough for you (and wouldnt be for me nor anyone else).

 

So, let him contact you & be straight with him. If he doesnt like it, then you are ready to move on.

[shopgrl]

jmargel-

 

I'm so glad that you're responding to my posts. It's nice to get an unbiased guy's perspective on things.

 

To answer your questions...No, he has not cheated on me and I am positive of that. As far as spending quality time together-- yes we do, all the time. You see, he works swing shifts so we see each other every opportunity we get. We've vacationed together and everything. We had a great relationship. He was my best friend. Last night, before we called it off he had the nerve to tell me that he loves me, wants to be with me and is still my best friend.

 

It's just so difficult for me to comprehend why some guys don't want to get married. I was raised believing that you find someone, date for some time then get married and start a family. I guess you're right, it probably is all about being selfish and not having their priorities straight. I can see that in my boyfriend. He is all about himself most of the time.

 

I don't think it's me or will be any other girl for that matter, like I said before, I think it all boils down to him being scared of commitment and I guess he was just comfortable with us being "us". I asked him yesterday if he was scared of commitment and he said no but I don't believe him for one second, or, maybe he's just so confused that he doesn't even know he's scared. I wish I knew.

 

I spoke with a friend today who is in a similar boat. She has been with her bf for 5 years, no ring, nothing, only empty promises. She gives me inspiration to stick to my ground and move on b/c I never want to be in her shoes. Yet there's another side of me hurting so bad right now and wishing all this never happened. I'm so torn.

 

I'm going to take your advise and not contact him. Maybe he will come around some day and realize the mistake we've made. Part of me wants him to, part of me doesn't. He's so stubborn though, I don't really see that happening but I guess if you really want something you go after it no matter how stubborn you are. Hopefully, I will have moved on by then for my own good.

 

I know that I can find someone else and someday I will. I think I'm just really scared of being alone.

[shopgrl]

and I forgot to write that you are absolutely correct, I'm sure he does expect me to come crying back to him b/c we had a minor break up last year and initially I called him trying to get back together and he was rather cold. Once he saw me going out enjoying myself, he wanted back into my life. The thing that kills me though is when we got back together last year, I told him that I didn't want to get back together if we weren't working toward a commitment. He said he wanted a commitment, missed me so much, realized the mistake and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Whatever.

[jmargel]

Good chance he said those things is because he wanted the comfort of 'you'. Sounds like he's been taking you for granted. Alot of times people get so comfortable with each other, they have a tendency of forgetting the other person's feelings. Sometimes this comfortable level will turn into selfishness & neglect.

 

I don't understand why he would be so scared to commit. He was supposedly in a commited relationship with you, and marrying is not that big of a drastic change from that. Even if you take the marriage thing out, and had the opportunity to just live together, I wonder what his reaction would be.

 

Anyway, don't let this relationship turn into a power struggle because down the road, it'll end. A relationship does consists of sacrafices at times and if he's not willing to give his complete heart & trust to you then you are better off without him.

 

You don't get any bonus points for staying with a guy who doesn't show meaning behind his words when he says he 'loves' you. Actions speak louder than words, and most people don't realize that until it's too late.

 

BTW, you're welcome, anything I can do, just hollar.

[shopgrl]

Thanks jmargel--

 

Last evening and this morning have been pretty rough so far. I can't eat, sleep or do anything. I feel so devestated and almost betrayed. I guess I still cannot believe it's over. I miss him so much. Yet, I honestly still don't think I'd ever take him back.

 

I know I have to be strong but it's so tough to be strong when you're hurting so deeply. I wonder, is he hurting too? I wonder, will he be back? Is he regretting what he's done?

 

It's driving me crazy to think that he was "commited" enough to stay with me for 3 years, shop for rings 1 1/2 months ago by himself, tell my mother he is going to marry me but then second guess everything when it comes down to the "true commitment".

 

I'm starting to blame myself and think that it's me. So I'm good enough to date but not good enough to marry? He loves me, has a great time with me and wants to be with me but doesn't know if he wants to marry me? Essentially, he threw away our hole relationship because he just "doesn't know". What an a**h***.

[jmargel]

Three years is a long investment and after something like this it's hard to trust again. I was there once myself. I was previously engaged and while she was making wedding plans she was also flirting it up with my best friend of 15 years. That and along with the verbal abuse & mixed messages I got from her really spun me for a loop. She left & I was in a world of hurt.

 

I would imagine he's feeling regret and hurt. However now is the important time not to contact him. Otherwise he'll just suck you back into the same routine. He'll then have the upper hand, knowing he can continue doing this and if you were to voice your concern all he has to do is threaten to leave. That's not how a relationship is suppose to work.

 

Don't blame yourself, and don't base your own self-worth on the mistreatment from him. Nothing you could have done would've changed his mind. No woman out there would have been able to. He's 34 years old and needs to grow up. If he never intended to marry you, he should've said something way before. Not give you false hopes. You also have to ask yourself, do you want to marry someone who is this unsure about himself and relationships in general? I would probably think it would be a rocky marriage if you did tie the knot with him.

 

Don't think of it as wasted time with him. Learn from the experiences you've had. Alot of others have gone through the samething as you. When my ex left I had a passive-dependency on her. My life was nothing without her (so I thought). It took 2 years to fix myself again. Now I know what 'true' love really is, I'm getting married in August.

 

There is someone out there for you, someone who would make you truly happy and not make you feel like the relationship is more work than pleasure.

 

In the meantime here are something you will go through. Trust me when I say this will make you more wiser, and make the next guy in your life one of the luckiest guys in the world..

 

Death of a spouse or breakup of a marriage or long-term relationship can trigger similar responses in a person. Each person mourns a loss differently. However, there are 5 common stages of grief a person goes through when mourning the loss of a relationship. These were adapted from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, 'On Death and Dying'

 

You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. Sometimes an event will trigger you to experience one of these stages again. For instance, cleaning out the basement and finding an old shirt of your deceased spouse or hearing your ex-partner is to remarry might cause reoccurrence of certain stages. The five stages of grief are:

 

1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage.

 

This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she will change her mind.

 

2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage.

 

Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain. You might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying. You may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family.

 

3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.

 

You try to negotiate to change the situation. If you’ve lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I’ll be a better person if you’d just bring him back". You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you’ll stay I’ll change".

 

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

 

You realize the situation isn’t going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgement of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.

 

5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.

 

Though you haven’t forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.

 

Suggestions when you find yourself suddenly single

 

Avoid long term legal decisions. If you are in an emotional state its better to put off long term legal decisions until your thinking is less cloudy.

 

Drive carefully. It’s easy to become distracted when you are grieving so use care when you get behind the wheel.

 

Seek support for your kids and yourself. If you have kids, your kids are grieving along with you and will need support. It might be wise at this point to have separate grief sessions apart from your children if you're experiencing anger and resentment.

 

Maintain rituals. The children most likely will feel insecure and abandoned at first. Maintaining the same patterns of holidays, birthdays, Saturday outings, etc. will give them a sense of normalcy and consistency.

 

Nurture yourself. You need to care for your spiritual, emotional and physical health. No one else will do it but you. Take care of yourself as well as you take care of your child. Eat healthy, exercise and take vitamins. Allow yourself to grieve and give yourself as much time as you need to adjust to what has happened.

[shopgrl]

jmargel-- I want to express my appreciation again to you for responding to me. You must be a great guy. I really don't have anyone to talk to that's not biased. I mean, my family just says that my ex was a great guy but this is probably the best thing for us, and my friends, who for the most part are single, just want me to be single again to hang out all the time. My mother says to forget about him and move on.....easier said than done. I asked her today if she thought he was hurting and she said "No, if he was hurting he'd be calling." Do you think that's true in all cases?

 

Geez- I think I'm going through all those stages at the same time, I mean, depending on the hour or minute. What am I talking about, I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.

 

My head is telling me to move on but my heart is still with him. You see, he was my first intimate relationship. He was the first guy that I ever dated with whom I shared everything, everything I had. I never gave so much before in my life. Before him, I always had the "I just don't care attitude" when it came to guys. I had a wall so thick around me that noone could hurt me. Then he came along and taught me that it was Ok to love and Ok to care. I thanked him for it before but now I hate him for it. If I still had the "I don't care attitude" I wouldn't be hurting like this.

 

A part of me feels that he did have some intention on marrying me and now just got "cold feet" when it came down to it. My brother recently married. I spoke with him at great length last night. He said that when he was in the process of buying an engagement ring he was doubting things with his now wife. He said that he just worked through the doubts and went for it. Now, he couldn't be happier. I wonder if my ex is misinterpreting cold feet for doubts since he's never been close to marriage before. That would suck for him.

 

Did you have doubts before you proposed either time? Or were you 100% sure that this was it? By the way, I'm glad to hear that you are happy again and preparing for marriage, how exciting!!! Do you have any doubts whatsoever?

[jmargel]

Hi Shopgrl,

 

You're welcome. I know what you are going through, since I went through it myself. As for doubts, my first engagement I did have alot of doubts, but was excited. We were arguing quite a bit, and felt like I had to make alot of changes to accomidate her. If she wasn't happy 24/7 then I got the brunt of it. It was like walking on eggshells. When we moved in together it just got worse.

 

With my current fiancee, I knew her a year, but only with her for 5 months before proposing. I had no doubts, and actually asked her a week before v-tines day, which was my birthday. She hasn't moved in yet, and this is the first time she would be living with a man. So I know we are going to have to overcome some hurdles.

 

Everyone has doubts, that's normal. Its not because of the other person, its just alot to take in. Then some people panic, thinking 'OMG my life is completely going to be changed', or in a sense in someways 'My life is over'. That's blowing things out of proportion when they think that. Those people have a tendency to forget all the great things a marriage has to offer. He is missing out on so much because of his attitude towards this.

 

I'm sure he's kinda in the dumps, but he is still being stubborn expecting you to call him. By not calling or crying to him, you are standing up for yourself, and showing him how important this is to you. I know its hard not to have contact with him, since it's your natural instinct to. Trust me, he'll call. When he does make it clear on what you want, but then listen to him on why he doesn't want to pursue this next step. If he commited to you in the least, then he would have no problem going to couple's counciling with you.

 

You sound like someone with a big heart and know what you want out of life. Just take things day by day. I know this sounds cliche, but time does help sort things out. Right now your head is clouded which is normal. He needs to start respecting you and now is the time for him to learn this if you two are to become a couple again. In the mean time keep taking care of yourself. When you start to romanticize him, force yourself to think about the things he did in the past to hurt you. We're all here for you.

[shopgrl]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I do have a big heart that's filled with love for him. Your right, I do know what I want in life but I've wanted to share it with him for so long that it's impossible to think that I could share it with anyone else. Actually, I don't want to share it with anyone else right now.

 

Like I wrote earlier, I do not intend on calling him. In my deepest of hearts, I hope that you're right, I hope he calls me. I don't know why, I just do.

 

We both work downtown and I was driving to lunch and saw him with a few coworkers walking on the sidewalk. I don't know whether or not he saw me but I'm sure he at least recognized my car when I passed by. I didn't beep to get his attention to wave. I just looked over, saw him, looked ahead and continued driving. It sounds so stupid but now I'm thinking that maybe I should have. What's my problem, I'm questioning every move I make!!

 

It's difficult to focus on things that he's done in the past to hurt me because there are so few. I can only think of 1 or 2 other times that he's hurt me besides this one. All in all he was a good boyfriend and someone I was willing to spend the rest of my life with.

 

I do have one question for you......I have some important financial papers of his that he will someday need. I know I cannot call him so would you suggest just holding onto them until he remembers I have them or should I just mail the papers to him?

[jmargel]

Personally I would probably mail him the papers. Holding onto them is holding onto a hope in some sort of way. Like I said before he will call sooner or later, but how the outcome of the call is hard for me to say. Do you think he may have some interest in someone else? What were the other things he's done to hurt you? One or two might not be much in quanity, but depending on how he hurt you it could mean other things.

 

You will question every move you make, but no matter what YOU do, its upto him to make the decision on committing himself to you. I can guanatee he's starting to do some thinking, wondering why you haven't called or bargained your way back into his life. Its upto him to decide whether his love for you is more powerful than his pride, selfishness, and the inability to commit 100% to you.

 

Hang in there. I might be a complete stranger to you, but things will work themselves out for the better.

[shopgrl]

I think I am going to mail the papers. I have to construct some sort of letter to him explaining the work I've done on them. I promise, I'll stick to the facts of the documents and no lovey dovey things (ha ha)! You're right though, holding onto them is like holding onto some sort of hope. I also have a CD of his which I think I'm going to stick in the mail along with the paperwork. Maybe that will wake him up a little and show him that I don't want to hold onto anything of his. Maybe he'll take it as a sign of me being done with him.

 

There is no concern in my mind that he is interested in someone else. If he was, I know he would've told me and if he hadn't told me, someone else would've. We live in a very small city, everyone knows everyone and he works with some of my relatives.

 

You see, he is very, very picky about girls he dates. Before me, he had been single since he was like 25. I mean, he'd date every now and then but he hadn't had a real relationship in quite some time before me. I know that he has always been very particular about who he dates ie... attractive, smart, domesticated, someone who hasn't been around the block, no kids, no ex-spouses. I think he likes to be the "strong man with the attractive girl on his shoulder".

 

He grew up with an old fashioned mother who cooked every night and who "took care of him" which is what he wants in a woman. Ironically enough, I am very old fashioned and I love doing those things which is hard to come by nowadays.

 

As far as him hurting me in the past...... As you probably can tell by my posts, I'm a very emotional person and get hurt very easily. But besides the small relationship arguments he has only hurt me deeply once in the past. That one time was when he and I broke up last year. I'm the one who suggested the break up but he is the one who said "Yeah, we need some time apart. " Deep down inside, I didn't want to lose him. I was devestated, lost 10lbs and felt like I couldn't go on without him. Initially, after the break up, I called him trying to get back together but he thought we needed some more time apart. From that date on, I went out and (pretended) to have a good time with my friends. Apparently, (I found out later on) his friends would call him and give him a report on me everytime I was out (immature!!) It wasn't until he saw me out having fun that he wanted to get back together. We were broken up for one-two months, got back together and everything has been great since.

 

I think he did get too comfortable with me and in our relationship and probably did take me for granted. He knew I'd be there, he knew I wasn't going anywere, he knew I was a

good girl and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize "us".

 

You're right, the decision is up to him now. I know things will work out for the best but I hate the stage I'm in right now. I don't know if I want to be over him or be engaged to him.

[DonTomaso]

Just wanted to let you know that I read through the post and I think you are handling yourself wonderfully.

 

Cheers!

[clearingclouds]

I don't know if I want to be over him or be engaged to him.

 

You are not the only one with the same dilemma, well in my case him is her. It is not at all a fun place to be. Hang in there - I'm trying the best I can.

[shopgrl]

Thanks for your responses guys. I feel as though I'm about to break and call him. I know that would be stupid though. I thought it's supposed to get easier as the days go by but it's not, it's getting more difficult for me. So the saga continues....

[shopgrl]

So I goofed, I gave in and called him last night. My intentions were not to talk about us though. I called to thank him for still buying a condo from my mother.

 

He invited me over to see it once it's actually his to see if I like it. I was thinking, what the hell does it matter if I like it now. But I didn't say anything and there was a slight pause and then he says "well we're still going to be friends right" and I said, "yes, of course, I told you that when we broke up." Weird, because he's always told me throughout our relationship that he's never been friends with an ex b/c once he's done with someone he's just done. I recall this same thing happening last time we broke up where he wanted to remain friendly.

 

He went on asking how everything is going with me, what I've been doing, what he's been doing and so fourth. So I should've gotten off the phone right then and there but stupid me didn't.

 

Stupid me asked him how he was doing with everything. He said that he was having a difficult time. He said that he can't sleep through the night. I never said anything about me being hurt. I just said that it was confusing and weird for me and he said that it is a confusing time. He also said that we've been a part of each others life for so long... I thought Dahhhh. That basically sums up our conversation.

 

At the end of the conversation I told him that my intentions were not to discuss us, but at least I got some more closure ( I don't know why I said that b/c there was no "closure" in the conversation) and I hope he finds all that he's looking for and wished him luck with everything. I didn't give him a chance to respond and just said goodbye.

 

The minute I hung up I regretted calling him and felt so stupid. I hope that when he moves into this big condo he will see what if feels like to be alone again. The sick thing is is that I felt better knowing that he's hurting too. Is that normal?

[DonTomaso]

H Shopgrl... Sorry that you broke down and called him. It probably won't be the last time it happens though. It just takes a while to get over something like this. Of course it's normal to feel good that he is hurting too. I'm sure you are mad at yourself for having these negative feelings, but it can not be avoided.

[jmargel]

Most friendships with an ex don't work out. Its hard to take a step back like that. If you try you'll just get hurt all over again. Part of you would be wishing something more will come of it, and when it doesn't then resentment kicks in.

 

Him buying your mom a condo? Why is she accepting this when you two are no longer together? Before calling him, you had him at the vantage point you wanted. Now he knows you called and its just a matter of time before you give back into him again. Then a few months will go by, you'll want more and he'll give you the same line as he did the other week. Don't you see it will become a vicious circle?

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but I can almost predict what is going to happen. What got him coming back to you before? Calling, etc.. won't. Going out and having fun with friends (both male and female) will get him to think what he's about to lose for good. He has this power over you that you need to break. He's the one who is confused, not you. Let him take this time to find out what he really wants in life. Don't go over & see that condo, and the friends thing.. Trust me, don't do it.

[shopgrl]

jmargel- My post was probably confusing. My mother is a real estate agent and he purchased a condo from her (she sold it to him).

 

I know it was a mistake to call him and trust me, I am not going to do it again. I realized it was a mistake during the conversation and that is why I ended it the way that I did--- to try and gain back the position that I was moving on and wished him the best. I in no way portrayed that I wanted to get back together with him or that I was hurt. He can speculate but I never said it. I was not whiny or crying at all, my voice was strong and happy.

 

I seriously just wanted to thank him for purchasing the condo from my mother despite our break up. I thought that was very respectful of him, rather than switching to another real estate agent and my mother would have lost the commission. A similar thing happened after we broke up the first time where he called and thanked me for still sending his grandmother a 90th birthday gift (even though I didn't go to the party b/c we were broken up).

 

I already have plans on going out with my friends this weekend and having a good time, I promise. What do you suggest to do if I see him, just ignore him or say hello and keep walking? I'm not sure if I'll see him out but I know that I'll at least bump into a few of his friends.

 

I do not intend on going over to see his new condo - I don't see a point since we're not together, what the hell do I care where he lives? I was shocked when he asked me to see it once he moves in. That's strange.

 

I hate to admit it but you're right, he does have a sense of power of me that I have to break and I know the only way to do that is to listen to your advise. Part of that power I think comes from him being my first and I just have to get over that.

 

As far as the friends thing-- I know from his standpoint it is to keep the door open, otherwise, why would he want to be friends when he's never been friends with any other ex before? I am friends with virtually all my exs (and he just doesn't understand why) but when I say friends I don't mean going over to see their new place, I just mean being pleasant when you bump into one another. I know that you cannot be friends with someone you are trying to get over.

 

Thanks for being honest with me and I know that you're not trying to be mean. I deserved it for being so stupid!

[jmargel]

Nah, its not being stupid. You just had a weak moment. Everyone does. When you are caught up in the moment, it's hard to take a look at the bigger picture. If you run into him in person this weekend, there's nothing wrong with you saying hi, but don't let him drag you down, or put a damper on any fun you might have this weekend. Have fun, and let him see it. And don't be afraid to talk to other guys in front of him. He would like nothing better than for you to flock to him if you see him in public. He should come upto you. Some guys only want to get back with their girl, or stay with him for the simple reason of her not getting with any other man.

 

My fiancee's ex is like that. Even after she ended it, he still acted like they never broke up. We went to a club on Sat. night and ran into him for the first time. Actually he was too much of a wuss to come upto me, but had his friends do it. Some people think they 'own' someone else. Don't let him have this power over you. Sounds like you may need a little self-confidence as well through this issue. My self-confidence was very low after my breakup with my ex. I based my self-worth on her approval and her love. What helped me was actually taking kickboxing. Martial arts is a good self-confidence builder. Not only physically but mentally. You don't have to necessarily take those, but other programs out there help as well. So when you do see your ex in public and he tries to pull on your heartstrings you can show him aren't going to be his puppet anymore.

 

You set the boundaries, and stick with them. Make sure he respects those as well.

[shopgrl]

Thanks for your words jmargel. I do need a self confidence boost. My self confidence has been pretty low lately and I don't know why. Maybe I based it on him, I don't even know anymore. He has some sort of hold on me and I don't want him to have it anymore. And, I think he knows he has this hold on me.

 

Your words have made me realize that this is not my fault. He's the one with the problem so I'm going to quit blaming myself. He's the one who's 34 and in limbo. Actually, everyone I speak with thinks I'm right for not letting him "date" me anymore.

 

I work out doing kick boxing at my house which makes me feel better. I think I just need to get out there and start meeting new people. In the 3 years we have been dating, I really haven't been out too much seeing and meeting people. I guess I was comfortable in our relationship and became more of a homebody. Actually, we were both homebodies together mostly b/c we were trying to save money for "us"--- what a joke!!

 

Deep down I'm truly hurt but on the surface I think I'm starting to handle it well. I'm kinda excited to go out this weekend and at least try to have fun with my friends. If I see him, I will say a friendly hello but nothing more. And.... I know... I'll talk with other guys in front of him. Today was the first day I could eat and concentrate at work so I think moving forward. Actually, at this moment I'm quite happy (note, I said at this moment).

 

I'm really, really going to try to focus on myself and get over my ex. My biggest fear is that I'll run back to him if he calls or if we see each other out. Hopefully, if that ever happens, I'll be strong enough to walk away or hang up the phone. I admire the strength of anyone in a similar situation who is able to turn away an ex whom they are still in love with.

 

I believe that what's meant to be will happen and only time will tell.

[shopgrl]

One thing that I've been thinking about that's been bothering me is that it seems like whenever there's stress somewhere in our relationship he needs to bail.

 

For instance, last time when we broke up it was during a stressful time with his job, my job and I was buying and selling a house and he and I had been doing alot of work on the houses. Now, this time we broke up during a stressful time with his job, trying to buy a house and him getting me a ring.

 

Does this guy just not know how to handle stress or what? Sorry for the stupid post, I just had to vent for a minute. I think I'm currently in the anger stage!

[DonTomaso]

If you are already at the anger stage then you are a VERY fast healer... nice work.