Sanman Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 So, this is a bit of a complicated story. I have been seeing my gf for just over 4 mths. The first 3mths were amazing, but this last month has been very rocky. Some background...she is a med student and applying for residency, so she is stressed right now. To add to that, her family(living in another part of the country) have been stressing her out with their problems. I am a few years ahead of her career-wise, but I am currently at home helping out as my father has been ill since a stroke a while back and my parents need help around the house. She lives 45-60min away. Three weeks ago, went away to a wedding 8hrs away (I drove as she cannot), we got stressed on the car ride and had a big fight. The fight carried on through the weekend. The following Wednesday, she had to work late finishing applications. So, I brought her dinner, stayed with her, and drove her home (instead of her taking the subway). That weekend, she hosted a halloween party, I was there, helped out, went and bought wine, pizza, dropped people at the subway, etc. By her own admission, she really enjoyed and appreciated the taking care of her during applications and helping out at the party. The following Wednesday, I went over to her place and dropped off a book she needed for a test and got into an argument before dinner (stupid stuff). This past weekend we had a conference/romantic weekend planned. We were fighting on the way up to the conference and were kind of bickering all weekend, we both had fires to put out with family/friends. By Sunday, I was exhausted a bit and burnt out with bickering. She was angry at me for not asking about/supporting her with the stuff she was putting out, but I was just too tired to care. After a rocky sunday, I had a surprise planned (and considered canceling) sunday evening where I took her to a nice bakery to pick up dessert and went back to the B&B. There I had arranged for a room covered in rose petals, candles, and a bottle of champagne. I offered to setup a bath for her and then give her a massage. She responded that it was really sweet and she wished she had time to enjoy it, but had to study. We ate for 10-15 min and she wanted to study. This was at 8:45, I previously asked her to clear until 9:30 for a surprise and she agreed. I was pissed and told I was going to go out and entertain myself so I would not bother her while she studied (visibly angry/disappointed). I came back around 11pm after having a few drinks at the bar around the corner. She was really in a rage I had left and we had a blowout. I apologized and we went to bed. The past week has been fine and we have been nice to each other, but I was in her area last night and had planned to sleep over after meeting up with some friends. I invited her, but she was busy and needed to rest to work today. I said it was fine and I would see her at home. All of a sudden 3 hrs later (around 9pm) I get a text saying that she doesn't want to see me that night, that she needs some space, and that she will talk to me in a week. I'm really not sure how to take all of this. I feel like while I haven't been perfect, I have been pretty good. Additionally, I don't feel as if she is making much effort anymore to meet my friends or come out to me. She did buy a gift for my mother last weekend and stop at the pharmacy to pump me full of drugs when I was sick. I know she wants me to be closer to her friends/family and involve myself, but sometimes I am just burnt out with my own career family. I want to have more fun and intimacy, which I feel have been missing for the last month. I know she will be this stressed for the next 2-3mths. If we can get things together and communicate better, I know that she is someone I can see myself with in a serious relationship. However, I don't know if I can wait 2-3mths to sort out this stuff when we are only 4mths into a relationship. Should I launch? Should I try to wait chill out for a couple of mths? Or should I let her know that she needs to be a part of this tell her this needs to be a priority if we are going continue?
TouchedByViolet Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Sounds like she has already moved on from the relationship. The fights she instigated were most likely her trying to push you away. Find someone who smiles when she sees you
Author Sanman Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Sounds like she has already moved on from the relationship. The fights she instigated were most likely her trying to push you away. Find someone who smiles when she sees you In one sentence you summed up the fears/concerns I have had the past couple of weeks. These are my concerns as well.
that girl Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 This is tough. It sounds like she is legitimately stressed and over worked, which sucks for both of you. I'm not sure what you're fighting about, but the weekend thing sounds less than good. She felt the need to study, which sucks for you, but it sounds like you didn't handle it well and kind of started a fight. Then you wandered off thinking "Well, I had my say" not thinking she might be really annoyed with you. I get wanting quality time, but I think in that situation I would have handled it more like "Okay, so why don't I give you the room for two hours to study and then we'll hang out?" rather than getting pissed. I don't think she's moved on, I think she is really stressed and possibly you might not be dealing with her stress well. It isn't fair for you to ask for priority over her career when she's spent years getting to this point and you've been dating 4 months. For it to work, she needs to be able to communicate when she needs to study without you getting pissed. It really depends on how much you like her and whether or not you can deal with her high stress.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 She's not pushing you away, she's too stressed with school to have to worry about her boyfriend and relationship. I'm sure she understands your gestures. I'm ever sure she appreciates them. But you're going overboard if you expect her to be constantly available when you expect her to be. She has priorities. As do you outside of a relationship. If you cannot handle being second place right now, you should just break up with her.
Author Sanman Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 I'm not sure what you're fighting about, but the weekend thing sounds less than good. She felt the need to study, which sucks for you, but it sounds like you didn't handle it well and kind of started a fight. Then you wandered off thinking "Well, I had my say" not thinking she might be really annoyed with you. I get wanting quality time, but I think in that situation I would have handled it more like "Okay, so why don't I give you the room for two hours to study and then we'll hang out?" rather than getting pissed. It really depends on how much you like her and whether or not you can deal with her high stress. I just wanted to clarify a few things about the weekend. The first is that the entire conference was not mandatory, we both chose to go as we are in the field and wanted enjoy the conference. She did study on friday night a bit and I let her to study on saturday night as well while I did my own work. Prior to the weekend I asked her to take off sunday and she agreed. Come sunday, I saw she was stressed, so I asked her to set aside time in the evening from 7:30-9:30pm after dinner for us. After that, I would go out and entertain myself so she could study. We got back at 8:15 and I was in my car talking to my best friend about the situation by 8:45. She was mad because she saw me drink 3 flutes of champagne and leave, so she thought I was driving (I didn't; rather I spoke to my best friend and then went to a bar in walking distance). Now, I agree we both have busy lives and other things to focus on, but at 4 mths in I feel as if we should have more intimacy/alone time. Part of this is that I am also busy and driving an hour to her after dealing with my life means I am also mentally and somewhat physically exhausted by the time I get there. I don't always have the patience I would like to deal with the problems in her life (especially since she can't deal with the problems in mine directly). I am working on oulling back and taking better care of myself. The issue here is that she will be this busy for the next 3 mths and my life does not stop. I think a new relationship needs more attention. She feels we are settled in and our relationship can be put on the back burner while she deals with work. I'm not sure whether I can wait another 3 mths for any progress in this relationship on her end.
that girl Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 She was mad because she saw me drink 3 flutes of champagne and leave, so she thought I was driving (I didn't; rather I spoke to my best friend and then went to a bar in walking distance). But you can't have left well if she though this. What stands out to me in all of this is that you talk about relationships progressing, but you don't talk about her. No "I love her" No "She is so amazing." You sound lukewarm, which means she isn't the girl for you.
sugarmomma Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I don't think you're being fair in asking for more time than she can give. She is studying for med school for christ's sake. Give her her space and let her ask you to hang out when she knows she has the time. Why are you starting fights with her knowing she's stressed out?? You should be trying to make her life peaceful and adding to it in a productive way. Seems really immature. If my man was studying to be a doctor I would give him as much peace and space as he needs. If you're meant to be you will be. Don't try to sabotage her future. Give her some space and maybe you'll get a little initmacy. Yes you are wrong and you know it.
Author Sanman Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 But you can't have left well if she though this. What stands out to me in all of this is that you talk about relationships progressing, but you don't talk about her. No "I love her" No "She is so amazing." You sound lukewarm, which means she isn't the girl for you. I don't think you're being fair in asking for more time than she can give. She is studying for med school for christ's sake. Give her her space and let her ask you to hang out when she knows she has the time. Why are you starting fights with her knowing she's stressed out?? You should be trying to make her life peaceful and adding to it in a productive way. Seems really immature. If my man was studying to be a doctor I would give him as much peace and space as he needs. If you're meant to be you will be. Don't try to sabotage her future. Give her some space and maybe you'll get a little initmacy. Yes you are wrong and you know it. I didn't leave well, but this was my vacation as well and I wanted a couple of hours together in this whole weekend. When I didn't even get a kiss for my effort, I was a bit annoyed and needed to blow off some steam elsewhere. I told her I was leaving and gave her some tylenol for her back pain. I will admit I was distant. I do love her and she is amazing when things are good. That is the number one reason this is hard for me. It is because she is so amazing that I want to spend time with her. My concern is that with two hectic careers and crazy families, there is too much other stress for both of us. The thing you have to remember is that I am a doctor too. I have a tough career I need to build as well, a father who is sick, and a stressed out mother, and need to balance my life. She can't help out on my end as she does not drive/have a car and cannot easily reach me as I can her.
sagetalk Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 that she needs some space That is a very troubling statement from a women. Whenever I hear it, it makes me think there is another guy in the back of her mind and/or her interest has dropped almost to the point of no return. Be careful, those are dangerous words. I hope I'm wrong. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 That is a very troubling statement from a women. Whenever I hear it, it makes me think there is another guy in the back of her mind and/or her interest has dropped almost to the point of no return. Be careful, those are dangerous words. I hope I'm wrong. Or they truly feel suffocated that they really need space. There's no sign from her that says she's ready to cheat or is cheating in the process.
zengirl Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I do love her and she is amazing when things are good. That is the number one reason this is hard for me. It is because she is so amazing that I want to spend time with her. My concern is that with two hectic careers and crazy families, there is too much other stress for both of us. The thing you have to remember is that I am a doctor too. I have a tough career I need to build as well, a father who is sick, and a stressed out mother, and need to balance my life. She can't help out on my end as she does not drive/have a car and cannot easily reach me as I can her. This is a girl with other priorities. You know that and she's been clear on that, so you have to either accept it and work within those limitations or accept it and move on. An "easier" version of her doesn't exist. Is this version of her worth what you have? It sounds like she's experiencing the PUSH you're sending out and doing the natural PULL for more space. She's stressed and she needs it. It doesn't sound to me like she's pulling back from the relationship; just the additional stress. However, that doesn't mean she'll be available all the time or able to be as involved in your life as you want even once you de-stress it. That's your call.
Author Sanman Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 I don't think there is anyone else as she is not really the cheating type and I love that about her. I do believe she may need space as this is a stressful week for her. However, in light of our fighting, I also know that she has not had many relationships and tends to push others away if she is not comfortable. I am having trouble sorting out if she just needs space to get work done or if she is losing interest/tired of being in the relationship. I do hope it is the latter. This is a girl with other priorities. You know that and she's been clear on that, so you have to either accept it and work within those limitations or accept it and move on. An "easier" version of her doesn't exist. Is this version of her worth what you have? It sounds like she's experiencing the PUSH you're sending out and doing the natural PULL for more space. She's stressed and she needs it. It doesn't sound to me like she's pulling back from the relationship; just the additional stress. However, that doesn't mean she'll be available all the time or able to be as involved in your life as you want even once you de-stress it. That's your call. I know she has other priorities in the moment, but I am unsure if this distance is a temporary situation that will blow over or if this will happen whenever she is overwhelmed (which in our lives can be often given that we both take on too much). I know there is no easier version, but this decision is difficult because of the length of our relationship. One month and I would be out no matter what. Closer to one year and I would be invested for sure and I would have more history outside the honeymoon phase to judge this. The way I see this period is that it will either work out and this is the moment that I made the decision to be there and let that happen or it will fall apart anyway and I will kick myself for not leaving at the first sign of this.
zengirl Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I know she has other priorities in the moment, but I am unsure if this distance is a temporary situation that will blow over or if this will happen whenever she is overwhelmed (which in our lives can be often given that we both take on too much). I know there is no easier version, but this decision is difficult because of the length of our relationship. One month and I would be out no matter what. Closer to one year and I would be invested for sure and I would have more history outside the honeymoon phase to judge this. The way I see this period is that it will either work out and this is the moment that I made the decision to be there and let that happen or it will fall apart anyway and I will kick myself for not leaving at the first sign of this. I understand what you mean about the timing. Most relationships that get off the ground tend to get lucky in that time period, and yours isn't. I'm not sure lucky means better, but I understand the allure. Think about her actions in terms of the timing though----She's at the same place, so her other priorities and ways of dealing with stress aren't free from you --- you become an added stressor, hence the fighting and tension, because she cares to a degree --- but she can't neglect what she needs to do for her at this point because she can't fully invest yet either; it isn't that time yet. Communication is the key to get through such a thing, in my opinion. But before you can communicate, you have to communicate with yourself and know where you stand. She's communicating in her way by asking for space -- with a specific time frame even, so it doesn't sound like a blow off. Take that space and communicate with yourself.
daphne Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 If it's going to be another 2-3 months, and you really see her as relationship material, do you really want to break up and spend a lot longer finding someone you could see yourself with? It requires patience and vision to see that if you do know what you want and she may be it, going after greener grass may leave you with regret. There's no guarantee you'll find someone you like as much in a few months. Or years. Just ask yourself if you think she's worth it.
Author Sanman Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Hey Guys, I've appreciated the responses. The needing space is not about looking, but I am not sure if it is about needing to get work done for now (I know she has a very rough week/weekend ahead work wise) or if she has simply had enough of the relationship and wants out. Also, we definitely haven't figured out how to fight. Our styles of fighting are really incompatible and it is something that we need settle into, but the luxury of time is something we haven't had lately. Also, I am starting to realize that since the first fight at the wedding a few weeks ago, I have been very tense about all of our interactions. Adding to that, I know she has wanted me to fit in with her friends/family and I think I am so anxious about those two things that I haven't been able to relax and be myself around her. Every time another thing goes wrong or we have a fight, it just makes my anxiety worsen. I guess I will have to give her the week and wait to see if we can figure these things out.
Lucky555 Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I will say I am in a health profession studying. I pushed guys away when I had exams or big projects. School is number one. I did care about guys I was with but they couldn't take the fact that I only had certain times when I was available. You know your girlfriend does not dictate her life or her schedule! In med school if she wants to be top and if she wants to pass the final test she needs to be studying a alot! She is also working!! She probably is evacuated just like you. Communication. See what her schedule is like then compare with yours. Seiously it's the only way to make it work. I wish guys were more understanding when i having studies myself. Just give her some room for now to think and breathe. I understand you have things going on also but see what you can coordinate. I don't think she's moving on I just think she is overwhelmed. I know if I had a guy that was arguing with me before I study I can't focus! She probably needs to get a balance and piece of mind. Take the break for yourself to unwind. Be sweet maybe send a sweet message saying hope your studies are going well I can't wait to see you but I know we both need Some time to get some relaxation in too since were both exahusted. It sucks that life has to get in the way of potentially good realtionships. I know I never got understanding from guys because they never had to study medical stuff. They accused me of cheating when I was really spending time with a book or they just didn't believe the hours I needed to study or the hours of my day in classes! Ugh it's all in the past but you being a doctor need to recognize that maybe patience is the best thing right now. I think u need support and she needs support but you both are so overwhelmed With life that you get frustrated with eachothers problems. I suggest just be with the other person. If she's studying take a nap in the same room Or read up on your stuff then your in eachothers space but also doing different things.
that girl Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 When I didn't even get a kiss for my effort, I was a bit annoyed and needed to blow off some steam elsewhere. I told her I was leaving and gave her some tylenol for her back pain. I will admit I was distant. I'm not really buying this. If you were distant but nice as you implied, how did she think you were off drunk driving? I'm getting the feeling you stormed out. I do love her People who you can fall in love with don't fall off of trees. I'm kind of shocked that you love this girl and are so willing to walk away. My guess is that you are either freaking out over the idea of commitment or you're kind of selfish (yes, you can be very supportive of your family and selfish in relationships). Only you know which one.
zengirl Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Hey Guys, I've appreciated the responses. The needing space is not about looking, but I am not sure if it is about needing to get work done for now (I know she has a very rough week/weekend ahead work wise) or if she has simply had enough of the relationship and wants out. Also, we definitely haven't figured out how to fight. Our styles of fighting are really incompatible and it is something that we need settle into, but the luxury of time is something we haven't had lately. I guess what I see in your posts that leaps out at me is that I feel like you want her to change. This is part of it: It takes 2 people to fight badly and only one person to fix it. Really. If you decide you want to stop fights that become destructive (constructive fighting/disagreement really is a different thing and stopping it seems unhealthy to me) and steer them in a new direction, you can, all on your own, in most cases. If both partners know to consciously do this, it's better, but only one, aware partner is fully capable of doing it. If you realize your fighting styles are not compatible, you don't need time or anything from her to change it----all you have to do is change it in the moment, unless her style is truly abusive in some way, which seems doubtful with the information given. Just a thought.
dispatch3d Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 stop participating in drama. If a fight starts, you fill a sudden flash of anger, or it sounds like someone just insulted you then refuse to participate. Just take a step back and say "I'm not talking about this right now". Seriously never ever talk about problems in the moment ESPECIALLY if you are mad. Think on what just happened and why for a few days, and when you are calmed down completely several days later elect to either talk about it with them or leave it alone. Depends on the situation. When you revisit never ever accuse or blame the other person for x or y. It's pointless. Either (a) apologize for being wrong (b) say it's unfortunate this happened, and you have to agree to disagree or © find out exactly why they were offended. In no situation is the other person wrong, or even if they are don't tell/voice it. It's totally pointless. I would take route c if they were wrong fwiw. To them they were justified in their feelings at the time...
Author Sanman Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 I'm not really buying this. If you were distant but nice as you implied, how did she think you were off drunk driving? I'm getting the feeling you stormed out. People who you can fall in love with don't fall off of trees. I'm kind of shocked that you love this girl and are so willing to walk away. My guess is that you are either freaking out over the idea of commitment or you're kind of selfish (yes, you can be very supportive of your family and selfish in relationships). Only you know which one. I had planned to drive around and check out some tourist sites while she studied that night (after we had time together) and had told her so. When she got up, I asked if she was going to study. She replied that she was, so I told her I was leaving to get out of her way. She has a hard time talking to me when I get distant, but I get distant if I am angry or feel rejected. She likes to scream things out when we are fighting, which is something that I have a hard time dealing with. As for commitment issues, I am this isn't all in a vacuum. One of the big issues in here is the fact that we have racial/ethnic differences that neither of our parents are happy about. As her parents are out of state, she has no plans of telling them anytime soon (without a ring). As my parents are in the area, they know about the relationship and it has caused added stress in my life. She really wanted to get to know my mother and sent her a birthday card and gifts. While I was initially against this, but let her as I knew it meant a lot to her. I am glad she wants to know my mother, but it puts a lot more stress on the relationship. While I am waiting and supporting her, I also have to put out fires at home. All the while, I have to take it on faith that she will do the same when the time comes to tell her parents and not walk away. Yes, the relationship is moving a lot faster then I am used to (my parents are not usually aware of women I see until at least 6 mos in). I am willing to try to adjust and work through things, but I also know I have a blind-spot. That blind-spot is a tendency to fall in love with and do things for women who are not in love with me. This is what happened in my last relationship (which broke off about a month prior to meeting the current gf after 5 mos). I knew it was a bit too soon to be in another relationship, but she is an amazing woman and timing is not always perfect in life. I feel like I have been playing catch up ever since and find myself constantly a step behind where she wants me to be in this relationship.
Author Sanman Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 So guys, I thought I would update this thread as I need to vent a bit and I also need some advice. I have given her 1 week (and an extra day) of space that she has asked for. I asked her to contact me in a week when she as ready and she still has not done so. It has given me some time to reflect on the relationship and I am really not sure what I want to do. While I have not been perfect I have realized a few things: 1. In nearly 5 mths of seeing each other, she has not come out to meet me once. I have always come to her. 2. This is a big one...She has wanted me to me more involved with her friends and those close to her. I have and consistently talked to her best friends and close others (even throughout this break). Yet she has met all of my friends and does not even have a single phone number (yet she constantly befriends strangers after a single meeting) and has not tried to forge any relationships. 3. One of the things that I have struggled with, but am coming to terms with, is that her best friend is also her longest previous relationship (they were friends first). I am still concerned that I will always a backseat to the best friend (Best friends and gf live in the same apt building). I really do love her and believe that she love me, but in addition to these things I know she has serious intimacy/trust issues that get in the way and often she prefers to be alone. At this point, I really do want to be there for her, but I am starting to feel as if I may never get what I need out of this relationship. I feel as though her career, family problems, and close friends come before me, and then she will deal with us (if there is time/energy). I've decided to give her a few more days of space, but we definitely need to have a serious conversation (likely after the holiday and that stress is over). I just feel as if we could get through these initial issues (her trust issues, integration of friends/lives) we could have something special. However, I am beginning to doubt these issues will go away if she does not give this relationship the time it needs. Thoughts?
xpaperxcutx Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 So guys, I thought I would update this thread as I need to vent a bit and I also need some advice. I have given her 1 week (and an extra day) of space that she has asked for. I asked her to contact me in a week when she as ready and she still has not done so. It has given me some time to reflect on the relationship and I am really not sure what I want to do. While I have not been perfect I have realized a few things: 1. In nearly 5 mths of seeing each other, she has not come out to meet me once. I have always come to her. 2. This is a big one...She has wanted me to me more involved with her friends and those close to her. I have and consistently talked to her best friends and close others (even throughout this break). Yet she has met all of my friends and does not even have a single phone number (yet she constantly befriends strangers after a single meeting) and has not tried to forge any relationships. 3. One of the things that I have struggled with, but am coming to terms with, is that her best friend is also her longest previous relationship (they were friends first). I am still concerned that I will always a backseat to the best friend (Best friends and gf live in the same apt building). I really do love her and believe that she love me, but in addition to these things I know she has serious intimacy/trust issues that get in the way and often she prefers to be alone. At this point, I really do want to be there for her, but I am starting to feel as if I may never get what I need out of this relationship. I feel as though her career, family problems, and close friends come before me, and then she will deal with us (if there is time/energy). I've decided to give her a few more days of space, but we definitely need to have a serious conversation (likely after the holiday and that stress is over). I just feel as if we could get through these initial issues (her trust issues, integration of friends/lives) we could have something special. However, I am beginning to doubt these issues will go away if she does not give this relationship the time it needs. Thoughts? I wonder, if at any time in the future the two of you manage to settle all the problems that are hindering the relationship, would the bolded still remain an issue? Personally, I think a week is too short of a time for her to completely change; it's not logical for anyone to completely do a 180 degrees. But it does draw a red flag that she has remain so distant. 5 months time is pretty deep investment for you to jump ship. Although I do agree that you should have a talk with her. Stay strong and see what happens.
Author Sanman Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 I don't need her to completely change, but I need to know that she is willing to try and change these things as we go along. I think the issues of trust/intimacy will linger because the closer we get, the more she fears what would happen if I abandon her. As it is, this is her second or third longest relationship (not sure how long she was with her highschool bf) in 27 years. I wonder, if at any time in the future the two of you manage to settle all the problems that are hindering the relationship, would the bolded still remain an issue? Personally, I think a week is too short of a time for her to completely change; it's not logical for anyone to completely do a 180 degrees. But it does draw a red flag that she has remain so distant. 5 months time is pretty deep investment for you to jump ship. Although I do agree that you should have a talk with her. Stay strong and see what happens.
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