Im baaaaaack....come what may...

[dazedandconfused2008]

Well its been almost a year since i have been here. I had been on LS on and off for the past couple years. Im the single mom of 6 separated for about 3 years off and on. Ex didnt just cheat on just one other but a slew of them. Hes been with one particular girl 12 years younger than him for the past couple years off and on. Supposedly they also have a child.

 

I wish i could say that things worked out and that we lived happily ever after. But that is not the case. Well i guess it depends on how you look at it i guess. To make long story short he finally got caught selling drugs and was sentenced to 26 months. Hes out on full parole now. While he was in jail (9 months) I continued to move forward in my life and left him alone. He sent messages to me through his cousins and sent me letters. He really had me going with the God has helped me see the errors of my ways crap. (Ya right i found out later he was still seeing the gf the whole time in jail). I allowed myself to get pulled in again despite all that he has done to me and to my kids. He got out of jail end of August and was transferred to a halfway house here. He got his old job back and seemed to be doing what he said he was going to do. We started seeing each other and I really thought that maybe he had changed. It seemed like it. Only to find out 3 weeks ago that he was STILL calling her the whole time. Not just to talk either because she was going around telling people over there that they are planning to move together end of November. So obviously he is leading her on too and making her believe that he is with her. Same ol same ol. Thats when i realized that if jail couldnt change him nothing will. I went NC after writing one last email to him. Will be a month next week. Found out the past weekend he applied for travel pass and used his whole paycheck to go and spend few days with her in her home. He came back and told my dad basically I was too controlling and didnt want to get back because all i do is kick him out. (geeze i wonder why ) He says gf made the effort to visit him (she lives over there where he was in jail in..im in another province) He doesnt take into account that i left him because of his cheating and that after he sucked me back in i sent him money in jail and pictures and letters and took his calls. That he was even lucky that i even came back into his life after everything hes done. I didnt even fight with him anymore. I was trying to focus on the future not the past. I could go on and on and on but I realized that no matter what I do for him, nothing will be good enough for him.

I also realized that now 99% of my being, i truly believe that he has BPD (borderline personality disorder) whereas last year i merely suspected it. Reading up on it he fits the description and symptoms completely down to the last letter. The thing with this disorder is that its hard to diagnose until your life is already falling and fallen apart and the damage is done to those all involved. I was with him since we were kids and it took me almost 20 years to see our relationship for what it is. Its so gradual and when an event triggers it big (like an affair) it escalates and thats what I been witnessing and experiencing the past 3 years. They say its not personal because the issues were never about me but with him but it still is devastating nonetheless to everyone involved...especially the children.

 

As much as it hurts, like a huge slap to the face, i find myself not entirely devastated. Not like how i was last year, where i could barely find the strength to get out of bed. I still taste my food, i can still enjoy certain moments and even laugh. As a matter of fact I even started going back to the gym. Perhaps im just used to it? Or numb? Or maybe i knew deep down it was going to happen sooner or later? I dont really know, maybe all of the above. All i know because of this, I have looked deeper within myself to see what it is that i want and am looking for out of this "marriage" and out of my life. I have been in the process of leaving the whole time, but i believe this last time i had to do one last "check-in" to make sure I did all that I could before i took the final walk. Despite the cruelty this guy did to me, my heart still hurts and it still aches, and it will take some time to unhook myself emotionally from this nightmare, this user, this shell of a person. I go from hurt to rage to acceptance to old ways to new ways.

I started taking a financial literacy course geared towards women leaving unhealthy abusive relationships and have already learned so much. One of the lessons was about how we see money and what our values are about it whether negative or positive. After figuring out that it got me thinking about my other values in my life and could barely think of any. I was so focused on HIM and gave up so much of myself to "help" him that i became lost along the way. So now im writing up a list of values that i have, that i want and wanting similar in others. The more i look at my own values the more i realize the ex didnt have the same. I even started doing bible study once a week and the stories i read up on as a child have more meaning to me now as it is only now im getting the messages. Bible teaches INTEGRITY, RESPECT, FORGIVENESS, ETC and most of all..SURRENDERING TO A HIGHER POWER. I need to let go of the old ways of my thinking and learning to let life do its job and how i react to it. I cant control my feelings but i can control my thoughts and my actions. So that im working on and it begins with me leaving the nightmare and starting to work on ME. I cannot change the past but i can help shape my future...and its going to start with HEALING...so thanks for listening and i will post my thoughts and feelings as I continue along. Just want to say that my thinking will go back and forth as i go through this so bear with me.

Edited November 13, 2010 by dazedandconfused2008

[imagine]

Hi Dazed, I know the Lord has always been on your side. I'm glad you're on HIS.

 

Welcome back.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Thank you imagine. I believe so too.

 

Got up early this morning and drove my daughter to pick up the kids she was babysitting today...which was fine by me because i didnt sleep much anyways (still dream about him all the time )...but as i was driving along in this gloomy chilly weather that matched my mood this song came on the radio and it was the perfect song that expressed how i feel at the moment:

 

I Still Miss You

by Keith Anderson

 

I've changed the presets in my truck

so those old songs don't sneak up

they still find me and remind me

yeah you come back that easy

try restaurants I've never been to

order new things off the menu

that I never tried cause you didn't like

two drinks in and you were by my side

 

I've talked to friends

Talked to myself

I've talked to God

I've prayed liked hell but I still miss you

I've tried sober I've tried drinking

I've been strong and I've been weak

and I still miss you

I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to

I'd give anything for one more minute with you

I still miss you

I still miss you babe

 

I never knew til you were gone

how many pages you were on

it never ends I keep turning

line after line youre there again

I dont know how to let you go

you are so deep down in my soul

I feel helpless so hopeless

its a door that never closes

no I don't know how to do this

 

I've talked to friends

Talked to myself

I've talked to God

I've prayed liked hell but I still miss you

I've tried sober I've tried drinking

I've been strong and I've been weak

and I still miss you

I've done everything

to move on like I'm supposed to

but I'd give anything for one more minute with you

I still miss you yeah

 

I've talked to friends

Talked to myself

Talked to God

Prayed liked hell but I still miss you

I've tried sober I've tried drinking

I've been strong and I've been weak

and I still miss you

I've done everything

to move on like I'm supposed to

I'd give anything for one more minute with you

I still miss you yeah

 

I still miss you

I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

 

 

it makes me sad because its so true, ive done it all to try and "move on". If i hear that one more time from someone im seriously going to blow up. Like WOW...i never thought of that one before. I dont talk about it anymore to anyone cuz i dont want people to get sick of me...cuz IM sick of me sometimes.

 

No matter what he has done to me i still miss him...and sometimes i think it would be way easier to just get back with him and accept the way it is between us and just live for the good times when we do have them even if its far and fewer between. Its just hard to still love someone that treats you like crap and hates me. I am a loving person at heart...i care A LOT...and i know i dont deserve this but it hurts so much to be hated and be snubbed and left behind like i was nothing. I know i have so many issues to deal with...its just a hard time for me right now. I put on this front that i have it together and that im strong but really i dont feel like it at all. People say it takes time and im still here 3 years later.This time around i HAVE to leave and stay away from him and im hoping that this time around it will be different. Maybe it will stick now because NOW i realize he hasnt changed one bit. Not one bit. All i want is to not care anymore...thats all i want.

 

Going to clean my place and make my kids some brunch and make my way to the gym later. Needed to vent and cry. Thx.

[tobydog]

I think you are doing great! I know you are sad but you seem so positive about the future, good for you! I wish I did. Take care and keep being strong x

[worlybear]

:bunny:Hey I think you're doing great too! I read your thread with interest 'cos it reminded me of how I feel. "Moving on" is sooooo difficult especially when you get hung up on the good times from the past.

Doing the right thing- making a life without him is never going to be easy but you owe it to yourself and your kids to do just that.

Keep posting and I hope life gets better for you.

[trippi1432]

Dazed!! I'm so happy to hear from you, not that things are the way they are for you, but happy to get an update. Been wondering how you have been.

 

You sound like you have been working hard on what you want out of life...that is very freeing for you for where you have been. You are doing great!! Happily ever after begins with you and those beautiful children.

 

Use this time for you, keep learning...heck, that never ends, we learn something new everyday...even if it's just quiet appreciation at what has passed.

 

Keep posting and keep up the good work...working on you. Hugs!! :bunny:

[dazedandconfused2008]

Thx everyone! and Trippi if i could jump thru the internet and give you a big hug i would! Im sure a lot of people have benefited from your experiences and wisdom. amongst a few others around here .

 

This past weekend was very hard for me for some reason. Maybe because the week is busy and full of things to do and the weekend gives a lot more "thinking" time. I fell into this "black hole" feeling and its a very dark scary place. Its the type of feeling where you feel out of control, your emotions are all over the place, and you have this feeling of not caring whether you lived or died. The pain and hurt is pretty intense. Back in the day i wouldve distracted from it and went out drinking or withdrawing into a deep deep depression. This time around...i am facing it all head on and it scares me because i dont know how far down and deep i can take. But its over...for now and im still here living...so that has to count for something. It means i still have a will to live inside of me. Its in this "black hole" feeling that i want to call him...have that need to "know" what he is doing and what she is doing and just wanting something to make this pain end. I go over things and of the situation over and over again. obsessed a little? Its the way i learned of trying to control the situation...to protect myself from getting hurt if i can stop or prevent it from happening and trying to manipulate the situation to my advantage. Its a coping system that i had "learned" how to do over the years with my ex subconsiously. I have to "unlearn" it now. It will take time to do that and it took 20 years at least for my brain to wire this way. Gonna definately take some time to rewire that old way of thinking to a healthier one. This time around my motto is "LET IT BE". If i have learned anything from this experience is that we cannot "control" anyone else or change the way they are or how they think. We can only change ourselves and how we react or behave to what is being done. I think its only when we surrender to a higher power and truly let go can true healing begin. But hey...im getting there...its truly a process.

 

Messages are everywhere...answers can be right under our noses...we just have to be open to receiving them. What was it that got me out of the dark hole on the weekend? Was sunday afternoon...skies were gray and rain was drizzling down (totally matched my mood) made myself some fresh coffee and sat down sippin it on my favorite chair and my older girls were sitting with me and we turned on the tv. Just at that moment LEGALLY BLONDE came on and we watched it together. In the movie I loved how she did everything for this guy after he dumped her for someone else...followed him trying to win him back...and how everyone was mean to her because she was different than everyone in harvard law..but how she kept going anyways..and stayed true to herself...in the end becoming successful and when he came back to her and told her all the things shes been waiting to hear for how long only to realize she didnt want him anymore and more importantly she found herself and what she was really capable of. Maybe it was just a fun movie on a rainy sunday afternoon...or maybe the universe was trying to tell me something....i guess it depends on how we look at it. I choose the latter because after that movie i felt more lifted and i dont feel like giving up right now. I have accomplished a lot already that i dont give myself credit for. And theres more to come around the corner...just gotta keep going...

[dazedandconfused2008]

oh and i wanted to clarify that NO...Legally Blonde didnt change my life for the better and that is the answer to all my problems..LOL . It was just a reminder to me to NOT GIVE UP. And that was my answer from up there to get me out of that black hole moment.

[trippi1432]

Hi Dazed! Legally Blonde...great movie, I loved it!

 

I go over things and of the situation over and over again. obsessed a little? Its the way i learned of trying to control the situation...to protect myself from getting hurt if i can stop or prevent it from happening and trying to manipulate the situation to my advantage. Its a coping system that i had "learned" how to do over the years with my ex subconsiously. I have to "unlearn" it now. It will take time to do that and it took 20 years at least for my brain to wire this way. Gonna definately take some time to rewire that old way of thinking to a healthier one. This time around my motto is "LET IT BE". If i have learned anything from this experience is that we cannot "control" anyone else or change the way they are or how they think. We can only change ourselves and how we react or behave to what is being done. I think its only when we surrender to a higher power and truly let go can true healing begin. But hey...im getting there...its truly a process.

 

This is great Dazed, thinking in the right direction. You are truly onto something there, I had a similar realization a while back....I had become hard wired in my reactions with my ex, my kids, my work. Sometimes it's good to slow down and take a look at how you would typically react to something and how you could react differently. We went through this in my therapy sessions, it's all in the reaction....you can't control other people's actions.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Soooo...its been almost a month since ive communicated with the ex. Seriously having ups and downs. The week has kept me busy with workshops i attend weekly to help communicate better with my 3 yr old son that has a speech delay. As well as my financial literacy course. Going to the gym every second day...case conferences with the kids schools...cleaning and all the things a mommy needs to do throughout the week. Just been tired...emotionally, physically, mentally...Came down with a cold few days ago and winter finally hit with full force. Roads are terrible and takes me like an hour just to get the kids bundled up and buckled into their seats...theres me scraping ice and snow off my vehicle and shoveling the walk. One minute im fine and another minute im bursting into tears and my heart aches...and then another minute im full of anger.

 

Talked to my dad couple days ago and he told me my ex had called him to see how kids were and if they got their winter stuff yet. For some reason that filled me with instant rage. I told my dad dont tell him anything about us...its none of his business anymore. If he was so concerned i guess he wouldnt have blown his last paycheck 2 weeks ago to go visit his whore in another province for a lay and to visit a kid he doesnt even know is his...well thats what he tells everyone here. Maybe he should get another job and start paying his child support to MEP already...he owes so much backpay already its sick. I am so angry..and hurt...and lost..and tired...i feel so lonely and im friggin crying writing this and making my already sore runny nose worse than ever. It hurts to think that he calls her everyday and at least he has somebody to love and care about him. I cant help but think if he even misses me at all the way that i miss him. I hate him for not loving me the way i want and deserve to be. It shouldnt matter but right now it seems to...a lot. And i know i have to let go and believe me im working on it as best as i can...but those thoughts always manage to find their way in my head. It hurts to do it all alone...but there just has to be something better than this for me. Maybe its my cold..or the weather...thats bumming me out today...but i think im going to pray for some peace of mind tonight.

 

On a more positive note im buying a punching bag w/ gloves for cheap tomorrow. Maybe i can vent some anger on that. I used to do some kickboxing back in the day...before kids and hubby...maybe i can get back in eventually when im in better shape. Well got a long day tomorrow... Lots to do...gnight everyone.

[goingstrong]

DG,

 

You're a winner...keep doing what your doing.

[Too Much]

Soooo...its been almost a month since ive communicated with the ex. Seriously having ups and downs. The week has kept me busy with workshops i attend weekly to help communicate better with my 3 yr old son that has a speech delay. As well as my financial literacy course. Going to the gym every second day...case conferences with the kids schools...cleaning and all the things a mommy needs to do throughout the week. Just been tired...emotionally, physically, mentally...Came down with a cold few days ago and winter finally hit with full force. Roads are terrible and takes me like an hour just to get the kids bundled up and buckled into their seats...theres me scraping ice and snow off my vehicle and shoveling the walk. One minute im fine and another minute im bursting into tears and my heart aches...and then another minute im full of anger.

 

Talked to my dad couple days ago and he told me my ex had called him to see how kids were and if they got their winter stuff yet. For some reason that filled me with instant rage. I told my dad dont tell him anything about us...its none of his business anymore. If he was so concerned i guess he wouldnt have blown his last paycheck 2 weeks ago to go visit his whore in another province for a lay and to visit a kid he doesnt even know is his...well thats what he tells everyone here. Maybe he should get another job and start paying his child support to MEP already...he owes so much backpay already its sick. I am so angry..and hurt...and lost..and tired...i feel so lonely and im friggin crying writing this and making my already sore runny nose worse than ever. It hurts to think that he calls her everyday and at least he has somebody to love and care about him. I cant help but think if he even misses me at all the way that i miss him. I hate him for not loving me the way i want and deserve to be. It shouldnt matter but right now it seems to...a lot. And i know i have to let go and believe me im working on it as best as i can...but those thoughts always manage to find their way in my head. It hurts to do it all alone...but there just has to be something better than this for me. Maybe its my cold..or the weather...thats bumming me out today...but i think im going to pray for some peace of mind tonight.

 

On a more positive note im buying a punching bag w/ gloves for cheap tomorrow. Maybe i can vent some anger on that. I used to do some kickboxing back in the day...before kids and hubby...maybe i can get back in eventually when im in better shape. Well got a long day tomorrow... Lots to do...gnight everyone.

 

I completely understand the difficulty of wondering why he doesn't miss you the same way you miss him. It stinks, but hang in there. You have more power over him than you think.

[dazedandconfused2008]

thx u guys some days i dont feel like it...i feel like a loser to be honest. I feel like the most rejected..most abandoned...most unlovable..most unwanted...most unappreciated...ok i think ill end the list before i really get down .

 

So i been going to this one workshop on weds to help better communicate with my 3 year old son who has a bit of a speech delay. Been going for over a couple months now. Anyways...i participate with group discussions and partnering up with others and when it comes to breaktime i feel a little out of the circle. No one talks to me and they arent rude or anything but i feel a little out of place. I figured maybe its just me and so tonight i decided that i was going to try and hang out and "mingle" so to speak. So im standing with this group at breaktime having coffee and they are discussing their kids...i start talking and after like a couple sentences they cut me off and start talking about the cookies. I felt a little dumb talking to nobody so i just stopped and stood for a lil bit then went back to the class and sat at my table and chatted with the facilator for a bit. (and no she wasnt obligated too...we had a good chat ). There was a part of me that felt hurt inside because it brought up some memories of my childhood...i have some issues of feeling like a freak (another long story altogether) but on the other hand i was ok with it all and still enjoyed my time there. That is how i know i changed over time. Back in the day...something like this wouldve brought me right down to depression...but today...i was able to handle it and accept that some people are for me...and some are not...and that acceptance and being ok with it all itself is very liberating.

 

I guess the point im trying to make here from this story is that I feel like im 2 people sometime. What happened from my workshop is the part that is ok with life and has a lot going because its a good state of mind....then theres this other side...that is still STUCK...in the old way of thinking...and its quite a battle trying not to let that old way of thinking bring me down into that BLACK HOLE. The past week i feel like im teetering on the edge of it. Just triggers all over the place. And tonight i almost had a breakdown. Came home from my workshop to find my teen daughters gone and they left their cell phones and laundry half folded and the place was dark. Of course i thought the worst and called around asking if anyone seen or heard from them and their cousin said ya just a lil while ago. So i knew they were ok...but then i started thinking but its still not like them to just take off like this and maybe their dad came by and took em out cuz he knew i go to these workshops every weds and i started getting all anxious and MAD. Thinking all these thoughts and to make long story short they came home...they had just gone with a friend to the grocery store to grab some snacks and a bite to eat at wendys and all the stress made me kind of lose it on them. I was suppose to go to the gym too and i didnt make it cuz of all this and as i was getting mad they were sitting there smirking and trying not to laugh (friend was there )which of course made me even more mad and finally i just broke down crying and sent them to their rooms and everything just came pouring out. Hence the feeling list above. And of course it all stems from the ex and the issues i still struggle with inside.

This is the side that has the potential to destroy me...if i fall deep into that black hole feeling. When im leaning more on that side...i want to know what hes doing...who hes with...i think like the WORST ***** ever...and it consumed me to the point of deep depression and not caring whether i lived or died. This half feels so....unwanted...worthless...because he doesnt love me or want me anymore....and deep down wants to throw myself at his feet and beg him to care about me. Then the other better side...the side with dignity and with worth....deep down wants to kick him in the face and balls for the pain hes caused before i forgive him and move on.

 

When it comes to me and the ex i feel like an addict trying to stop. I really believe im in the process of withdrawing....and really i am. I truly understand why an addict keeps using. It seems easier to just get the high ( for me thinking I need his "love" and being with him) and will give up any value or boundary just to get that little feeling of "happiness" or "freedom" from the pain and hurt....but like all addictions...the high is cheap and short lived and gets fewer and farther between each time. coming down gets harder each time but at the same time i get more used to it. But the craving is the hardest...cuz over the past 3 years i have given up a lot of myself to give into my craving. Vicious i tell you. I have put up with so much cheating, with all types of abuse, with so much i never thought i wouldve ever took. The thing with addiction is that its so gradual...sneaks up on you and you only notice (or choose to notice) when your life turns to crap. Whittles away at your self esteem little at a time...parts of you that at one time meant something.

 

Sometimes i wonder if theres any hope for me...out of this hell im crawling through...but someone up there must think so because im still here...and every morning i get up and i still breathe....and once in awhile i get those moments of peace...where i can appreciate and be grateful for what i DO have in my life...those moments where he doesnt cross my mind...or how badly i feel...or things i still need to do. Moments like a good hot cup of coffee in a comfortable spot as the sun is starting to show its face and the kids are still sleeping.

 

I dont know what to expect in the next while. This will be the longest so far we havent communicated and this is going to be unchartered territory for either of us. My psychologist figures even though he is "with" someone else he will try and get back with me down the road. Half of me is scared that he will try...the other half is scared that he wont. Hows that for going crazy. So as much as I want to move forward it scares me a little but all i can do is take it one day at a time...as i have been. Well better get to bed...tomorrow awaits.

 

P.s. got that punching bag and gloves...just gotta set it up this week