If someone cheats and you actually had to see it (literally in the act) can it.....

[shatty]

still be worked out? If so how? How to get the images out?

 

Sadly this is what happened to me. My now ex fiance cheated with my friend and I had to walked in on it. He's been apologizing and plans to seek a counselor (I'll be seeking my own counselor as well too to find me recover from this terrible scene).

Anyways let's say he meant it and doesn't do it again and I were to choose to forgive him (off course there won't be any wedding as planned, we would have to get to the root of the problem and see if it's really worth giving it one last chance)is it possible to worked that out?

Lastly how would I get rid of those images of him and her together?

 

I heard of certain people who forgive, worked it out and the cheater learned, never did it again but I don't. Even if they don't cheat ever again isn't it still there in the back of your mind?

Ok I must be stupid for asking this question but give me some insights.

 

Please give me some detailed answer and not just a ''He's a scumbag, ditch him'' short replies. I'm asking for how can this be worked out (obviously I'm still too shocked) if forgiving came to mind and what are ways/the steps to help you get rid of what you saw not what he is.

Edited November 13, 2010 by shatty

[imagine]

There was a fellow on another site that walked in on his wife and someone else. She "apologized" but never actually "got it". Apparently he was a fill in while her husband was away. Just sex.

 

He hung out for a couple of years but his heart was not in the relationship. They were divorced two years ago.

 

Some have used the situation to build a brand new marriage and are doing better than they ever did.

 

In your case, there should not be this situation while you are engaged. He sounds like a cake eater.

[USCGAviator]

Its ok to forgive in my book, hell i forgave my ex for assaulting my heart.

 

However your ex and your friend committed the ultimate betrayal. I don't need a friend in my life to test the women I'm with by trying to sleep with them.

[shatty]

JoeAverage I'm a woman who saw my this horrible scene about 3 weeks ago. I did broke my friend's nose and punched my ex fiance in the jaw, drawing blood. Though I felt kind of bad for hitting him but he however, thinks it was fully deserved. This was still worth filing assault charges on me but he didn't.

Right now I'm still too shocked to even think about working it out. Even if I knew for sure he is remorseful (he seems to be and isn't making excuses of why he cheated, in his own words he said ''Even if we had problems it's no excuse for what I did to you, I'm a horrible loser, I'm so sorry baby, if you ever forgive me I won't ever cheat again'') those images would be hard to overlook.

[USCGAviator]

Thats a decision to be made entirely by you. We all have different levels of tolerance for our significant other.

 

For me I'm zero tolerance on infidelity.

[shatty]

I think anger is a common emotion to experience in put in that situation. You are very lucky they didn't file charges and turn this into a domestic violence incident. With that being said, he is saying all the classic things that a cheater says. Examine the relationship, try and figure out what went wrong. Were there changes in his behavior ? Did you notice anything suspicious. Has he cheated before with other past gf's ? Before you go forgiving him I would do my due diligence. What you witnessed can have long term effects on you and your self esteem.

Actually my ex is the one who stopped her (that bitch) from pressing charges against me. Wow I can't believe she had the nerve to even report me after what happened.

I didn't even noticed there were changes in his behavior (besides on certain ocassions telling me he was going to work double shift and cancelled a date). From what I know and heard from others, he hasn't cheated on any past gf's, it's only with me.

[RegardingMe]

I do know other's have gotten through this. It is hard to erase the visual images. Do you live together or did you? I would ask for transparency, with his phone, email and facebook. Was this the first time, or were there other times?

Did they have an ongoing affair?

[Bryanp]

Look at this situation realistically. You were engaged to be married to this man and he has no problem screwing your good friend behind your back. Why in the world would you be willing to settle for somebody like this? His actions indicate that deep down he has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You can do a lot better then settle for someone as low like this.

[USMCHokie]

The only question that has to be asked: why?!

[Sazerac]

Normally I would not even begin to offer advice in this scenario. It is unthinkable to me that a person would put someone they love through this kind of trauma.

 

The only thing I'd have to say is: there are couples who have been married for years who have experienced betrayals less traumatic than this and have split up over them. You're not even at the altar yet.

 

Consider it a tragic learning experience; cut your losses, and leave. I know it hurts, but truly, truly, it isn't worth salvaging. You don't have enough vested in the relationship yet to make it worth while saving.

[shatty]

It is your call. Think about how much you have invested in this relationship. Do you love him ? Get a piece of paper and write down the pro's and con's of staying and forgiving him and then write down the pro's and con's of leaving him. You need to get tested for STD's, I cannot stress that more. And I seriously think you need to talk to a neutral party, like a therapist on a one on one basis, then maybe bring him in if you feel comfortable. This is your life you have to life, so take the bull by the horns.

I will defnitely get myself tested by tomorrow. As stupid as it sounds I still love him and this sucks because it seems feelings don't go away.

 

There is definitely no excuse to cheat on someone you love but I don't know if this plays a roll in a relationship. I have done things, not cheating but other things many men would have dumped me long ago. I have to admit not really being the perfect girlfriend/fiancee.

 

I used to do the followings:

1) When we met I had a smoking addiction.

2) Flirted with his supervisor in his face and would act all trashy at a party. There were times I would exceeded on my drinks while he would tell me to stop. One time we had an argument and I clenched a fish near his face. To make matters worst his mother was present once and saw this episode. From then on she didn't liked me anymore.

3) Created an argument one time on Christmas when he gave me something worthy of only $25..... my gift was worth almost $250 so I expected the same or more

4) Nagged him into getting marrying (come to think of it, I think there was pressure on my part). Last year on September 2009 he wanted to surprise and I thought it was an engagement ring. To my surprise it was only a necklace (it was gold but still) and I got pissed. One month later I finally get my engagement ring and the date was set for March 2010.

 

He isn't my first boyfriend but rather 13 I would say. There was a time I was into FWB (friends with benefits) thing with two of my male friends. Though when I'm in love I just don't cheat, not even if I was super hammered.

Edited November 14, 2010 by shatty

[shatty]

Do you live together or did you?

I moved out of his house right on that day so yes we used to lived together since the starting of 2009.

I would ask for transparency, with his phone, email and facebook. Was this the first time, or were there other times?

Did they have an ongoing affair?

When we got a chance to talked, he said this was the 3rd time and it started 2 months ago.

I meant 2011. It was going to be the following year on March.

Edited November 14, 2010 by shatty

[Sazerac]

It sounds as though there has been considerable hurt from both sides. However, the final deal breaker for me would have been finding out that he had cheated not once, but three times, while with you. That smacks of him being a serial cheater; a life-long pattern, rather than a one-time indiscretion.

 

It is commendable that you have identified your contributions to the problem, but as JoeAverage said, that is no excuse for cheating. Continue to work on helping yourself with your issues, but I still say drop him...he is extremely damaged goods.

[BellaBellaBella]

Shatty, People do get over this. I think perhaps, you might look into why it happened. What is the status now? Has he been willing to let you have his facebook, email and phone passwords? Do you want this relationship at this point.

 

Has he sent her a no contact letter. What did he promise her to get her not to press charges?

[sally4sara]

A HazMat team would have to clean up after me if I walked in on that.

 

I'd never have to look at him or my friend again to try and get past it.

[shatty]

Shatty, People do get over this. I think perhaps, you might look into why it happened.

I would say he was being pressured too much by me during the whole relationship and sometimes I would make a fit over the following things just mentioned on my previous post. There were also times I would declined intimacy with him or several times (before living in his house) would set up a date for another day. This may answer the question as to why he would cheat on me but never on his past GF's though it's still not a excuse. Honestly it would have been better if he had gone right in my face and told me ''You know what, you're very inconsiderate and pressure me too much, you nagged me into marriage, let me go already''. I do admit that during the whole relationship it was me being the dominant one who would get upset if things didn't go as planned. What I'm trying to say is I used to take him for granted for a long time but I had no idea since he hardly ever spoke up.

What is the status now?

Currently I'm single but we have been talking. Obviously I won't be coming to his house anymore. How can I come to the place this happened? I would be reliving it all over again. However, today I haven't been answering his calls all day long. I'll talk to him again tomorrow (I'm really not in the mood now). We were suppose to meet up today but I purposely stood him up.

Has he been willing to let you have his facebook, email and phone passwords? Do you want this relationship at this point.

We're not a big fan when it comes to posting pictures nor adding friends online when you can talk to people in person and yes he gave me his 3 email accounts.

At this point I'm not sure if I'll continue this relationship. It's still too shocking for me so I need more time. Coming back to him right away won't help me at all but add more depression. I think I'll be leaving it as friends and then proceed from there if it's worth working this out.

Has he sent her a no contact letter. What did he promise her to get her not to press charges?

He's paying the bill for the physical damages but apart from that did promised me he'll have nothing to do with her anymore.

 

What happened to me? I always thought it was easy to just leave them if they cheat but now I'm finding out it's not. Why can I hate him instead of still loving him?

Edited November 15, 2010 by shatty

[fltc]

How to get the images out?

 

You can forgive but you'll never forget, the images will be with you forever, mine have lasted 50 years! They'll fade with time but if you stay with him, they'll be stronger.

 

You'll have to decide if you can live with the images or if they'll poison your relationship.

 

Getting some outside help may be of benefit.

[dreamingoftigers]

After an incident like this I would not recommend recovering the relationship to anyone who is not married and has no children in the situation.

 

Your man is a cheater and that is how he deals with conflict. He didn't speak up for two reasons 1) you get your way and you have an anger and expectation issue. Evidence: the Christmas gift 2) passive-agressive guys often end up with agressive/passive aggressive girls, they won't speak up, they'll just do something behind your back.

 

He isn't going to change overnight and he isn't going to have enough time to change before your wedding night.

 

EMDR therapy can reduce the trauma of the event to help you move on. Get into some IC and reduce your troubling behaviours.

 

Cheating sucks. I am so sorry that you had to go through that.

[wicar1]

still be worked out? If so how? How to get the images out?

 

Sadly this is what happened to me. My now ex fiance cheated with my friend and I had to walked in on it. He's been apologizing and plans to seek a counselor (I'll be seeking my own counselor as well too to find me recover from this terrible scene).

Anyways let's say he meant it and doesn't do it again and I were to choose to forgive him (off course there won't be any wedding as planned, we would have to get to the root of the problem and see if it's really worth giving it one last chance)is it possible to worked that out?

Lastly how would I get rid of those images of him and her together?

 

I heard of certain people who forgive, worked it out and the cheater learned, never did it again but I don't. Even if they don't cheat ever again isn't it still there in the back of your mind?

Ok I must be stupid for asking this question but give me some insights.

 

Please give me some detailed answer and not just a ''He's a scumbag, ditch him'' short replies. I'm asking for how can this be worked out (obviously I'm still too shocked) if forgiving came to mind and what are ways/the steps to help you get rid of what you saw not what he is.

 

I know how you feel, I had the same experience. We were together for 3 years, married for years. One day came early from work, she was having sex with a guy on our bed. I was so upset, furious anyway, without making any mess I left the scene, coz had I acted there it would have been bloody violent. They never knew I was there. Went to a motel gave some thought.. I loved her so much, she's my first .. still I cannot live with someone who's not trust worthy, phone home and left a message that I am leaving for a business trip for a week. I spoke with my lawyer and my private detective friend. Got enough evidance to confront her. After the some days...went home threw the pics taken of them together.....I told her I wanted a divorce. She begged ..she wanted to explain... but...that's it. It's all over. I dont forgive people who betrey.

 

Anyway, I am still suffering from the old wounds, still the picture hasnt gone. I tried several things but no use. I am glad I left her, coz had I lived with her it would have been a disaster, especialy after seeing her with another guy.

 

I donno what you think, but from my experience I probably saved lots of time, energy and money by leaving her. Coz it never would have worked, after what happened that day.

 

Anyway hope you'll find what you want. Good luck !!

[Darth Vader]

I know how you feel, I had the same experience. We were together for 3 years, married for years. One day came early from work, she was having sex with a guy on our bed. I was so upset, furious anyway, without making any mess I left the scene, coz had I acted there it would have been bloody violent. They never knew I was there. Went to a motel gave some thought.. I loved her so much, she's my first .. still I cannot live with someone who's not trust worthy, phone home and left a message that I am leaving for a business trip for a week. I spoke with my lawyer and my private detective friend. Got enough evidance to confront her. After the some days...went home threw the pics taken of them together.....I told her I wanted a divorce. She begged ..she wanted to explain... but...that's it. It's all over. I dont forgive people who betrey.

 

Anyway, I am still suffering from the old wounds, still the picture hasnt gone. I tried several things but no use. I am glad I left her, coz had I lived with her it would have been a disaster, especialy after seeing her with another guy.

 

I donno what you think, but from my experience I probably saved lots of time, energy and money by leaving her. Coz it never would have worked, after what happened that day.

 

Anyway hope you'll find what you want. Good luck !!

 

 

OMG! You saw her riding some other man in your bed!? OMG! Did you ever tell her what you saw, not that it mattered to her anyway? She wanted to explain, explain what? How could she ever try to explain screwing someone in YOUR bed to you? She dumped on you, the marriage, heck, even the maritial bed was dumped on, where you sleep, EWWW!!! Thing is, who knows how long that was going on until you stumbled onto them!

 

How did you talk with her so calmly about going on a business trip after what you saw, hearing her voice and all knowing what she did? That blows my mind.

 

I hope you took her ass to the cleaners, she needs to pay for hurting you like that, there's no reason or excuse for that!

Edited November 15, 2010 by Darth Vader

[shatty]

A man can only take so much, especially you denying him intimiacy. I may be wrong but did you use that as a tool because you didn't get your way somehow ?

Yes sometimes I would do that or simply stop it when I wanted to. I regret treating him like this though.

[shatty]

I know how you feel, I had the same experience. We were together for 3 years, married for years. One day came early from work, she was having sex with a guy on our bed. I was so upset, furious anyway, without making any mess I left the scene, coz had I acted there it would have been bloody violent. They never knew I was there. Went to a motel gave some thought.. I loved her so much, she's my first .. still I cannot live with someone who's not trust worthy, phone home and left a message that I am leaving for a business trip for a week. I spoke with my lawyer and my private detective friend. Got enough evidance to confront her. After the some days...went home threw the pics taken of them together.....I told her I wanted a divorce. She begged ..she wanted to explain... but...that's it. It's all over. I dont forgive people who betrey.

 

Anyway, I am still suffering from the old wounds, still the picture hasnt gone. I tried several things but no use. I am glad I left her, coz had I lived with her it would have been a disaster, especialy after seeing her with another guy.

 

I donno what you think, but from my experience I probably saved lots of time, energy and money by leaving her. Coz it never would have worked, after what happened that day.

 

Anyway hope you'll find what you want. Good luck !!

Wow how did you managed to keep your cool?

[e.clipse]

Although it was a terrible short sited decision to cheat, I do see clearly what drove him to cheat. Your behavior was abysmal, and I don't think you regret it, you consciously did what you did to punish him, all because you didn't get your way. This cannot be fixed, you need to some serious mental health counseling to figure out why you react the way you do and why you feel the need to use a man's manhood as leverage because you did not get your way. I am surprised he stuck with you so long.

 

this guy you are defending is no hero.

 

he cheated on her. her abusive behavior towards him does not excuse what he purposely chose to do. being a victim of her ill attitudes in the relationship does not give him leeway to cheat on her. if he felt her behavior was so "abysmal," why not have some self-respect and dignity and leave her? why continue to play the role of a victim and jump at the chance of turning the tables?

 

this relationship is unhealthy. it is one of those relationships where you are addicted to the drama and chose to remain in a cycle, alternatively victimizing one another. typical, really.

[BellaBellaBella]

Have you ever heard of an exit affair? Its what people do to get out of a situation when they can't confront their partner. Is it possible with the way you were behaving this is what happened? I am not defending him.

 

Bella

[wicar1]

OMG! You saw her riding some other man in your bed!? OMG! Did you ever tell her what you saw, not that it mattered to her anyway? She wanted to explain, explain what? How could she ever try to explain screwing someone in YOUR bed to you? She dumped on you, the marriage, heck, even the maritial bed was dumped on, where you sleep, EWWW!!! Thing is, who knows how long that was going on until you stumbled onto them!

 

How did you talk with her so calmly about going on a business trip after what you saw, hearing her voice and all knowing what she did? That blows my mind.

 

I hope you took her ass to the cleaners, she needs to pay for hurting you like that, there's no reason or excuse for that!

 

Did you ever tell her what you saw

- No I never told her, infact after confronting I never spoke to her for more than 5 mins... Everytime I had to speak I was not alone, I had a friend with me. I wanted to make sure, she can never explain, cause it was done .. then and there on D-day, but later she got to know that I saw them together from a mutual friend. According to the PD the PA was going for around a month, may be more... Donno how long she had EA.

 

-How did you talk with her so calmly about going on a business trip after what you saw, hearing her voice and all knowing what she did?

lol.... I never heard her voice, when I phoned, it went to voicemail.

probably she was still busy banging him....

 

-I hope you took her ass to the cleaners, she needs to pay for hurting you like that, there's no reason or excuse for that!

Divorced her, told her family what she was doing.( Her family supported my decision to divorce her)