This Hurts Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Hey guys, it's been a while. I haven't spoken to my ex since early August. I told her I couldn't talk to her anymore, I canceled the email she used to contact me on and haven't spoken to her since. She didn't seem happy about it but I could tell she knew she wasn't going to change my mind. She hasn't emailed my other email, hasn't tried contacting my friends to get a hold of me, and same goes for me. I haven't heard ANY information on her, haven't tried fishing for information, nothing. With that being said, she could be dead for all I know. She could be in another country. I have no idea. September was generally a good month for me, I was a little hopeful for the future, the truly agonizing pain from the first few months post-breakup faded, and I was feeling alright. The thought of not talking to her didn't bother me anymore. School started, so I was busy, and in the past couple of months I've made friends (though no close friendships/relationships, at all), hung out with new people, etc etc. However, after September I slowly fell back into a depressive state and I've been floating around that since. I don't know where my depression, anxiety, mild (but noticeable) paranoia, and severe derealization comes from. I think it's foolish to say my ex caused it all, though I do believe she was the final "push". I think the years I was with her she was just like a bandage that covered the problem and when she left earlier this year as abruptly and ruthlessly as she did, it completely shoved me off the cliff I think I was destined to fall of eventually. For the first couple of months the idea of living my simple, introverted life consisting solely of reading lots of books I enjoy, running and yoga, school, volunteering, and the occasional outing with close friends seemed more than pleasant and it made me feel calm. However, the past few weeks-month, like I said before, have been rough. I've been feeling more down than usual, having at least one mental breakdown a week for reasons I really can't pinpoint, and for the first time in a while, questions regarding my ex have been flooding my head, predominantly when I feel depressed. During these days where I wonder how she's doing, what she's been up to, etc. I grow increasingly anxious at the thought that I don't know ANY of these things. The reason I came is because I was sincerely wondering if contacting her is a good idea. The thought of talking to her and having her say something hurtful or me finding out something I don't want to know really, really terrifies me because I know it WOULD push me back to square one, which makes me feel like I should just keep doing what I've been doing. However, part of me has been pondering whether ultimately it would be a good thing, because it might push me back on my road to recovery and guide me out of this sort of stagnant phase. The questions that flood my head won't leave me alone, even though I wish they would. It feels like piranhas are just picking at me. I promise I'll take all insight into consideration. This isn't one of those I'm-going-to-ask-for-advice-but-still-end-up-doing-what-I-want posts. By looking at the pros and cons, I don't think I'm going to contact her. However I really need some advice; I've been feeling pretty lost lately. Thank you.
NorthBound Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Difficult situation... Considering how short the amount of time has been and your depression, I highly suggest to keep on your routine which has been helping. Re-living the past and asking her questions that you know you don't want to hear, are only going to make you spiral into serious sadness. I've found out myself unfortunatley. Sounds like your trying hard to re-build your stability and happiness so don't let some unanswered questions risk all your progress... They questions will always be there but the more time that passes, the less you're going care and ultimatley will understand they don't matter. Good luck with everything, stay strong!
steelknife Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 dont. it will just open up all the wound, hurt and pain. not to mention the bitterness you feel. nothing she will say or do will make you feel better. nothing you will ask her will give you an answer that will satisfy you enough to move on. youve been at this a long time.. search with in yourself. the answer is not with her, or anyone. it is with in you. contacting her will break you apart. dont. for your sanity. hang in there. you have a lot of supporters here in LS. were all in the same boat. diff make and models. but same boat. cheers
muneeq Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 yes! i will suggest you contact her because it seems like the reason you are falling back into depression is because of the way things ended. sometimes we need closure to move on. don't stay with unanswered questions, they will haunt you forever. from my experience, i know as soon as you get answers you will be able to move on. the truth may hurt but you will find out why the other person moved on and maybe you'll realize it could be for your own good as well. try to contact her, seek closure and feel better. good luck
McGrupp Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 i think you should read your signature again also...if you got some time, check out some of my threads i started a year ago. i broke NC multiple times. believe its so much better to just not contact them. that urge will fad with time.
Author This Hurts Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Thanks everyone. I won't contact her, and just to clear this up a little bit—I don't have questions regarding the relationship I had with her or how things ended. If anything, that's the one thing above all others I wish I could completely forget. The questions I have are basically just regarding her currently. I've mentioned in my other posts that she has Bipolar disorder. Last I knew, she wasn't getting treated for it. She had depression, problems with self-harm, drug and alcohol abuse, and a bunch of other things and I guess deep down I just want to know if she's still dealing with that so at least I know things aren't so dandy on her side and I'm not alone, ha. Although, if we were to get in contact and she told me everything was going perfect, that would just make me feel terrible. I feel part of me just wants a friend and I automatically turn towards her because she's the one I've gotten the closest to and everybody else I've tried confiding in the past several months seem indifferent to everything I have to say. I didn't know this level of loneliness even existed.
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